Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relate can't perform miracles, can they.

68 replies

myrubicon · 20/01/2011 09:09

I dont know where to start. I just need some help. DW admitted to an affair - emotional and physical. I am in agony. we have young children. There is so very much i want to write but I'm not capable of that now. i don't know why but i booked a telephone session with relate. Please, can someone tell me they will make it better.

OP posts:
londonartemis · 20/01/2011 09:14

They listen and they understand. It is a very good place to offload, and totally confidential.
You will also get a great deal of support and sympathy here on MN too. I know you don't feel like adding more here, but maybe in time. Lots of love..

Hassled · 20/01/2011 09:19

They won't undo what happened, but just being able to talk to someone objective will help how you're feeling. When I saw Relate with my first-DH, they couldn't make everything better (we were past that point) but they did help us to separate amicably, to the point that we salvaged a good friendship out of the mess. They helped with the forgive-and-forget bit; I realised that while I could forgive, the forgetting was a lot harder.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. What does your DW want to happen?

Original poster
myrubicon · 20/01/2011 09:25

thankyou. i am a mess. sorry. i have no one in real life i can talk to because it is not fair to my wife. i am angry and hurt in a way that makes me sick. she has ruined everything. i gave up a 150K job for her and now i have nothing. nothing but my children. i just want someone to hold me i think.

OP posts:
Original poster
myrubicon · 20/01/2011 09:26

hassled - she want the fairytale. she says she wants the marriage to work.

OP posts:
Hassled · 20/01/2011 09:29

I hope Relate helps you. And don't forget The Samaritans are there too.

You say you have nothing but your children - but your children are a lot, aren't they? You have a lot.

If there are real life people you could talk to (friends, siblings?) then talk to them regardless - you need some outlet and I'm sure they'd want to help.

Original poster
myrubicon · 20/01/2011 09:37

my children are everything. dw saying all the right things - utter remorse. gult, shame, foolish, the works. but you know what? I KNOW she feels all these things. I dont need to hear her say how fucking sorry she is any more.

I found out on monday morning. a stray text. it would take all day to write our story, and i dont want analysis. i am sitting here trying not to cry. i hate myself for crying. i am over 40 and need to tackle this, not wallow in self pity and anger.

i know this is disjointed.

OP posts:
1234ThumbScrew · 20/01/2011 09:45

Allow yourself to cry the pain and anguish you feel has to come out somehow, it's entirely understandable to feel as you do. Is your dw still around? Would it be worth having a little time by yourself just to clear your head and allow yourself to cry?

Original poster
myrubicon · 20/01/2011 09:48

i always looked at these threads and felt so bad for the people who discover an affair. You know what makes me so stupid? I also felt so fucking smug and relieved that i would never have to go through that pain. oh no, it would never be me, with my rock solid marriage and a certainty that whatever life throws at us we would get through it because we loved trusted and adored each other. our marriage was not perfect, but who's is.

OP posts:
Original poster
myrubicon · 20/01/2011 09:50

1234 she is at work. i am alone. in a big house. in a country i dont want to live in. very alone. as i now realise i have been for years.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 20/01/2011 09:54

Why would it not be fair to your wife for you to talk to someone? What logic is that? If you have someone you trust (in the country you're in, or in another) you should talk to them.

Hassled · 20/01/2011 10:00

Don't feel stupid for feeling smug - you believed at the time everything was solid. And that's a reasonable way to think - you had no evidence to the contrary then.

All I can say is that many couples do get through affairs and say they're stronger as a result; it does happen. But you'll need to be able to forgive and forget, and that takes time and patience - don't rush anything. If this means your DW has to stew for a while, while you decide what you want to happen, then that's tough. Take your time.

Original poster
myrubicon · 20/01/2011 10:02

its not logical. i just find it hard airing dirty laundry. all friends are mutual. IF we get through this, whoever I speak with will think badly of dw.

OP posts:
Roisinniamh · 20/01/2011 10:08

You are still in shock.I would advise choosing one person to confide in (at home or abroad).Perhaps someone who is a friend of you both (who will hopefully support you without being overally harsh on your wife). Let your wife know also. i did this when I first discovered my DH's affairs. It was the first step to coping.
Good Luck.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 20/01/2011 10:09

You made a good decision booking a telephone appointment with Relate, because you are still in shock and need to get the story out to someone, in order to make this horrible situation more real.

So many of us have been in your situation and we can empathise. However, many of us have also learned that decisions about the future cannot be made at this point. Take your time, ask as many questions as you need to (including the ones you might not want to ask) and be slow coming to a decision.

It is possible to build a better relationship in the wake of this, but it will mean lots of changes and most of those will need to be made by your wife. This might be nothing to do with your marriage at all incidentally and infidelity is always about the person practising it, regardless of whether relational problems existed as well. What you must not do is blame yourself, because your DW had other choices that weren't taken.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 20/01/2011 10:14

Relate can't 'fix' it, but they can help you work through it to decide what you want to do about it - if you and DW can rebuild your marriage.

I take it you now live in the UK - where is home for you?

Original poster
myrubicon · 20/01/2011 10:28

we are british. we moved abroad for work.

whenwillifeelnormal, and others of course: Thank you so much.

there is someone i would like to speak with. a very close, wise friend - but i know she has similarly absolute views about fidelity as i have and i cant cope with idea that she may say the marriage is doomed :(

i want to stay online but i need to do some things. i will look later.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 20/01/2011 10:38

This is why I think that for you personally, you would be better off speaking to Relate at the moment and make a decision about talking to others, later. Adding to this thread will also help because you'll get lots of support.

If you're a regular poster, you will have seen lots of threads about the ways that people have coped - and what works best to build a new relationship and restore your own esteem.

I just hope your wife is being honest with herself, as well as you, about what led her to that choice. I hope she's not mired in justifications and is taking complete responsibility for her actions. I hope she's not sticking to a discourse that for a woman to be unfaithful, she must be unhappy in her marriage, because that often isn't true at all.

Keep posting, we can help.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 20/01/2011 11:43

myrubicon - my advice is that she would not be the best friend to confide in, for a couple of reasons.

When is your relate phone call scheduled for?

Original poster
myrubicon · 20/01/2011 12:02

Tuesday

OP posts:
maandpa · 20/01/2011 12:24

Your marriage is not necessarily doomed.

Don't talk to the friend with uncompromising views on infidelity!! There are a lot of myths about infidelity that are extremely unhelpful when trying to make sense of your situation, for the past, the present and the future.

Speak to Relate, or the Samaritans. You need someone who will listen and empathise for now.

Sorry you are going through this hateful time.

In your wife, to see remorse would be a good thing. And evidence of a complete change in behaviour too.

My DH said some terrible things after I found out about his affair with a colleague. So prepare for hearing a whole load of crap as well from your DW.

He blamed feeling miserable on me completely!!! Was not taking any responsibility at all.

Keep posting.

Original poster
myrubicon · 20/01/2011 12:32

DW is taking full responsibility. No blaming me so far. Not sure how to get through the next 4 days till relate call. Guess I'll just have to be rational. Or calm. Of any of these things that I have found difficult so far...

OP posts:
Roisinniamh · 20/01/2011 12:55

Well...Tuesday is not so far off. When I discovered my DH'S affair I had to go on a waiting list! And I was going completly mad(took up smoking again!)So, I confided in my 'friend of the marriage' friend and asked DH questions..(all calmly bizarrely, the anger came later!)

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 20/01/2011 13:08

Has she ended the relationship with the OM and was this in your presence?

Do you know when she was in first contact with this man and did this trigger her detachment from you, or is she saying that she was detached before he came on the scene?

Have you asked her what her permission-giving process was, for this?

It also might help us if you tell us whether you have posted before about any concerns you might have been having.

givemesomespace · 20/01/2011 13:19

Myrubicon, I really feel for you. Must be complete and utter turmoil for you (sorry for the understatement).

On the emotional side, I would really try and get over the feeling embarrassed about crying thing. Us men are usless at it I know, but it really is cathartic. I have been going through some really emotional stuff with my wife over the last few weeks (most traumatic time I have experienced). Last week I completely broke down in front of her. I mean uncontrollable crying, on my knees, reduced to a blubbering wreck. First time it has ever happened to me. It was a massive release. Made my wife realise things were probably worse than she thought too, though clearly this was not the intention.

I'm still a bit embarrassed to be honest, but it really was a 'floodgate' moment and will more than likely be hugely helpful. Hang in there mate. Keep posting.

maandpa · 20/01/2011 16:23

Yes it would be good if you could talk to 'a friend of your marriage friend'

Second what WWIFN said, you need to know that she has cut all communication with OM, before you can move on and try and make sense of what has happened together.

I went insane too, most horrible panicked feeling as well as hating him and feeling v suspicious of what he had been up to. I was VERY angry, most of the time. The rest of the time I was trying to piece together just what had been happening when.

Worst time was when I had just found out, and he said "well the marriage is fucked anyway" And I said "Does OW know its fucked?" DH: "yes". And I replied "thats niiiiiiice, so the OW knows my marriage is fucked, before I do!!!!!!

At that point I rang the Samaritans.

Keep posting