Need support to break free and move on (long)

[piranhamorgana]

Link here to some of back story.

I am due to return to work in April following a years Maternity Leave with my (very unplanned) dc5.

Thanks to MN,I woke up to the abusive "relationship" I was in with her "father",and there has been no contact since she was a week old.

I moved to this rural town with my dc shortly before becoming pg,2 yrs ago.Previously,we lived in an even more isolated,rural area where all my toxic family also live.Moving here was another attempt to distance us from them.

I am a regular on Stately Homes and the NPD thread.I thought I was fairly sorted re contact with my parents.

Over Christmas,so many things have gone wrong with the house- pipes,floods,electrics,boiler etc.Even after Insurance,I will need to find a lot of money to make the house good.I have a huge mortgage.I am up to my ears in dc.My salary barely covers our outgoings.

I have lots of unpaid bills.

If we moved 50 mile south,I could buy a house similar to ours for a third of the price,albeit in a slightly less "desirable" area (not an issue for me,btw)
I could commute to work on the motorway and aim to drop my hours to three days a week,thereby getting time at home with baby dd.

We would be on a train line to a major city,20 mins away.My eldest dd's are mixed race and want to live in a more culturally diverse part of the country.Also,they will be off to college in a few years.It would be good if the younger 3 dc and I were not too far away to support them.

I would like to research the possibility and practicalities of making this move.It would be convenient to sort it soon - before I am back at work,and before dd1 begins GCSE yr 11 in September.

I am considering cutting my losses with a quick sale.

It is very hard carrying all this alone.The logistics will be a nightmare.I do have friends here who will help as much as they can.I know people in the new area who will help.

I have just outlined some of the above in a phone call to my mother.Predictably,it became all about them,from the start:
How could I put my dc through another upheaval.

How can I deprive them of their g'dc.
Who am I to keep buying,selling,moving and messing around with my dc and parents' lives...

She then went on the "you have always been such a problem to this family,look what you've done to your brothers over the years"

I (uselessly)pointed out that my b's refuse contact with me as they "disapprove" of my "unconventional" life choice.

A tirade of nastiness poured down the phone,denying everything - it's all me,and she won't talk about it as I have hurt her so much already, apparently.

So,another good reason to get going.

Please can I ask for support - encouragement,advice -both for and against my plan ,and a place to put my thoughts and feelings during all this?

I am able to take it if you feel I am making the wrong decision,or should wait.

But I feel like I want to go tonight.....

I sound quite calm and in control,but ,following that phone call,I am howling my eyes out and want my mummy wish I had a caring,supportive family.

Oh, have a hug >

I say go, do it. Pluses, you are further away from toxic parents and bad memories, your kids are closer to college/cultural diversity and you have more money and time with your kids.

Negatives, none.

Do it!!

go forth woman. There is a whole MN family here to support you x

I am totally bias because I am about to do the same, I know it will be hard work, the practicality of it all, but it will be all well worthy in the end.
New house, new life, more money, more distance from it all
just get on the pill darling will you?

Ha ha !!!

Sorted already

Are you still here? Get on to rightmove, right now

don't have much time but really wanted to respond. you sound like you already know the answer to your question. Life will be much happier if you're far away from the stressful people. Only you know what's best for your kids - if your parents knew better than you then you wouldn't need to post on the stately homes thread :)

You know this already but remind yourself that you don't need their approval - toxics use approval as a currency to give themselves power as they are emotionally weak people. V sad for you and ok to feel sad about it but your kids love you to bits so bury youself in that positive love.

My life and kids much happier since distancing from my toxic family. selling house always stressful but not impossible (have just done it and well worth the effort - feel much happier in new place) - just prepare for all the hassle of viewings etc as best you can. Find an estate agent and solicitor that other people have used and have been happy with. Could you consider renting in new place for a bit to take pressure off? Kids will settle in new places - i moved school 6 times before age of 16 and always made new friends as everyone excited to meet the 'new girl'.

HTH and good luck. you sound like a great mum who is working out what best for dc (if only all parents were like that!).

Hear hear, you do sound like a great mum.

Has anyone ever sold their house via a quick-sale broker ?

The one I have contacted,find clients who want to invest and you then get all your legals paid,but have to accept an agreed price which will obviously be below open market value.

But they will get it done in weeks.

I don't want xp to know we are selling - he drives past often.This is a small,gossipy area where he will find out,even with no board up/publicity - and without those a sale wd take longer.

The market is slow and falling.I should have some equity even at 30% below what I paid for it.And the house I want is on for a third of that.

I cannot face the whole house Dr,showing people round business.
And my last sale fell through 4 times at very late stages,costing tens of thousands in the end before I sold at a loss ,anyway,after 5 yrs.

I don't really want to be bothered about money.Just to make a new start.

It sounds like we are in the same position. I have not told anyone the full extent of what I am doing except on here, my dc and the mortgage advisor at the bank. It is a huge pressure to be responsible for. I am not planning on telling people that I am moving away or where I am going.

Interested - lets make this a support thread ?

It is so difficult making all the decisions without talking them through - even though I am sure this is right for us.

It is the details and logistics - not to mention the emotional roller coaster - that is so difficult to carry alone.

I could not agree more, the responsibility for the family and how the move works out is all on my shoulders too. The kids and I will know nobody when we move. There will be no support for us, not that there is here really, toxic Mother's help always comes at a cost and exp and his people have no involvment.

piranhamorgana I understand you may feel it is a lot to deal with the viewings the gossip and all sort of bother
but u have 5 dc so i would like you to think long and hard (but fast) and get quotes from a few estate agents, before you decide cause it easy to dismiss ''extra money''
still, even if it was 10k more do think what that mean in actual fact. A car, nice furniture, a treat family holiday
Unless you are in a real danger in case your x finds out for whatever reason I would try to get a fair price at least for the first attempt on the market

hi InterInMov I remember speaking to you, how is it going?

JustForThis - you are right.I am checking out the local agents for valuations.

The reality is,I have such a short window of time before I have to go back to full time work,and I know houses are not selling in this area.

I kind of think that money is not real until it is on the table ,ifswim?
The freedom I would get from a swift "walk away" could outweigh the hassle and potential loss of money that sitting on the market would cost.

Still,I will check it out.

You don't have to put up a "For Sale" sign so that sorts out your ex and nosey people. You can't hide viewer's coming in and out of your house so your neighbours will probably twig.

Where in the country are you now?

PM, you need a better class of Mummy. I'll be yours if you like. And the very first advice I'll give you, as your new mother, is to put yourself and your children before anyone else in the world, ever. That is both your right and your duty. I didn't give birth to you and bring you up as an insurance policy for my old age; I did it because I love you. Of course I'll miss you when you move, but seeing you happy is more important than seeing you, if that makes sense.

This is what you would say to one of your DDs who was moving away, wouldn't you? Because you really do care about her. You would support her choice, not make it all about you. You would manage to see her somehow, despite the logistics. She would know that wherever she was, the other side of the world even, you wouldn't stop loving her and would always be there for her if she turned up on the doorstep in need. Your DCs already know that because you are the Right Sort Of Mother.

ps Don't tell your horrible old mother any more details, because she's quite capable of tipping the ex off to your plans.

pps Government procurement guidelines always used to say get at least three quotes.

Aw thanks Annie

You are right,that is what I would say to my dd's.In fact,one of the reasons I want to move is so that I am more central and then when they do move,I will be able to travel to see them,or be near enough for a visit from them.And I will be able to build a life for myself that isn't too dependent on baby dd as she gets older.

I have the Estate Agents coming to value on Wednesday am.

I think this will be the beginning of no further contact with my mother.

Does anyone have any suggestions re this -

I have a house which is cluttered and full of "interesting" and bizarre stuff.

All my furniture is from junk/second hand/antique shops and I have way too much of everything.

We all paint and make stuff and glue,nail,tack it to the walls/furniture as we feel like it.

We paint walls/furniture and get fed up before finishing.

I have retro fabric everywhere - curtains,covers,cushions,on the wall,over chairs.

I have bizarre collections of random stuff - plates,cups,stuffed animals,kitsch paintings,1940's/50's plastic stuff,teatowels,baskets etc etc everywhere.

People tend to say how amazing it looks and how they love it...but they couldn't live like this.....

It took ages to pack ,move and unpack last time.

I imagine Anne House Dr woman would have a fit and demand I dismantle the whole lot.I guess the house would look a lot bigger if I did.

Where do I start?
How do I find the time?

Where do I put boxes of "stuff"?

Do I even have to do this?

Should I "free myself" from all this stuff?

I could open a three storey shop in Brighton and make a fortune

But I am the wild west back of beyond.

Any ideas?

Discuss with DCs which stuff you really couldn't bear to be without, ditch the rest (eBay is your friend), and look forward to individualising your new house with new junk purpose-made stuff again. Sorted?

It sounds fabulous actually... but I couldn't live like it...

send some pictures to your prilfe or link them and we can have a look to see if the things you worry about are off putting to buyers?!

There is a saying that goes something like this, is beautiful, usefull (last year) or something else (can't remember the third) get rid of it!

I will do that ,Interested.That's a funny idea.. I will post when they are up,but only leave them a short while,I think.

Pictures are on - I will make my profile public.......now!

Woah! Lovely - but I couldn't live like that

If you go online to a stationery company like Euroffice, you should be able to get loads of boxes which I would load up with your stuff treasure and put in the loft if you can. It's gorgeous stuff, but makes your house look small.

I'd be in two minds about the estate agent/property broker because if I were in your position, I'd want to get the hell out and quick, but then being pragmatic about it - I'd want the extra money - but then again, would you get it if you tried to sell through an estate agent - you say properties are very slow.

You need a new mum, by the way.....

Since you're going to move, make as much money as possible. You can either enjoy a nice holiday or have a smaller mortgage on your new house as a result.

You need to put personal feelings to one side and no longer think about this as your home.... so declutter, take most of your pictures down, put your aprons/cushions/treasure in boxes in the loft/storage/ebay, paint your walls white and fix all the little diy things you've been meaning to do for ages. Look through the eyes of a buyer and if your house looks big and bright they are more likely to buy it. And doing these jobs will make the difference between selling it quickly for a high price in a difficult market, or having it hanging around and then accepting a low offer just to be rid of it.

Your family should be giving you this advice and since they're rubbish we will tell you instead.