Need support to break free and move on (long)

[piranhamorgana]

Link here to some of back story.

I am due to return to work in April following a years Maternity Leave with my (very unplanned) dc5.

Thanks to MN,I woke up to the abusive "relationship" I was in with her "father",and there has been no contact since she was a week old.

I moved to this rural town with my dc shortly before becoming pg,2 yrs ago.Previously,we lived in an even more isolated,rural area where all my toxic family also live.Moving here was another attempt to distance us from them.

I am a regular on Stately Homes and the NPD thread.I thought I was fairly sorted re contact with my parents.

Over Christmas,so many things have gone wrong with the house- pipes,floods,electrics,boiler etc.Even after Insurance,I will need to find a lot of money to make the house good.I have a huge mortgage.I am up to my ears in dc.My salary barely covers our outgoings.

I have lots of unpaid bills.

If we moved 50 mile south,I could buy a house similar to ours for a third of the price,albeit in a slightly less "desirable" area (not an issue for me,btw)
I could commute to work on the motorway and aim to drop my hours to three days a week,thereby getting time at home with baby dd.

We would be on a train line to a major city,20 mins away.My eldest dd's are mixed race and want to live in a more culturally diverse part of the country.Also,they will be off to college in a few years.It would be good if the younger 3 dc and I were not too far away to support them.

I would like to research the possibility and practicalities of making this move.It would be convenient to sort it soon - before I am back at work,and before dd1 begins GCSE yr 11 in September.

I am considering cutting my losses with a quick sale.

It is very hard carrying all this alone.The logistics will be a nightmare.I do have friends here who will help as much as they can.I know people in the new area who will help.

I have just outlined some of the above in a phone call to my mother.Predictably,it became all about them,from the start:
How could I put my dc through another upheaval.

How can I deprive them of their g'dc.
Who am I to keep buying,selling,moving and messing around with my dc and parents' lives...

She then went on the "you have always been such a problem to this family,look what you've done to your brothers over the years"

I (uselessly)pointed out that my b's refuse contact with me as they "disapprove" of my "unconventional" life choice.

A tirade of nastiness poured down the phone,denying everything - it's all me,and she won't talk about it as I have hurt her so much already, apparently.

So,another good reason to get going.

Please can I ask for support - encouragement,advice -both for and against my plan ,and a place to put my thoughts and feelings during all this?

I am able to take it if you feel I am making the wrong decision,or should wait.

But I feel like I want to go tonight.....

Thanks SnowyB

I really want to move away from here.

Renting is not an option.

The problems with waiting are :

It might take a very long time - I have no control at all over how long.There is no guarantee that it wont fall through any number of times along the way. My last move fell through twice the day before exchange,the second time the van was loaded.That was all down to chains breaking.I lost loads of money,and 3 purchases fell through.

DD1 is starting year 11 in Sept this year.I would like to get her settled in a new school as far ahead of this as I can due to her GCSE's.
After dd1's gcse's,dd2 starts year 11...

The whole packing,cleaning,living in a presentable house is very stressful,and hugely increases my workload,and adds stress points to family life - BIG ones.

The dc keep asking when? Lots of events,invites ,trips are subject to "if/when we move"

Once I am back in full time work,it will be soo difficult to organise a move.If I get it done now,we will just about be in before I start.I can settle the children into school while being at home in th new house - even if only for a few weeks.

I want to "move on".I feel stuck in limbo.Nothing within my control.

And the market is not exactly on the up.I would quite like to get the finances agreed before it all gets any worse - interest rates,etc.

This is not a desirable part of the country.It is a local market really.

The advantages of holding out for the best offer are:

More money - slightly smaller mortgage,

More time to consider options.

I know what life is like here - maybe that will make the return to work easier.

Maybe this offer will not come off,anyway.

I feel very alone with all this.I am scared I will do the wrong thing.
The dc are trusting me to make the right decisions.

Right...go and have a then come back and read your post above...

I think I can see what you want to do...maybe you will too.

Sometimes our want is our intuition talking to us...

I agree being the 'leader' in the family is scary...I am the 'leader' too...yes, I have a DH to discuss things with... but all major life decisions seem to fall on my shoulders...so for that reason I would say if you make a decision based on love for your family and you are ultimately trying to do the best that you can for everyone then there are no wrong decisions.

We are all capable of making decisions we believe to be right only to find they all go tits up...but if our motives are good they usually all come right in the end. xx

PS We bought a house and carried over a 10k negative equity situation to do so...why? Because it was the right choice at the time. We are still in that house...the plaster on our walls are held up by 20 layers of paint and our ceilings are still bubbled from the previous owners fish tank leak....we have been here 12 years now and it's still an ongoing project...but tiz our on going project!

I think what SnowyBriar2 says is very sensible. Have a cup of tea, then
read your post again and your answer will roll out. I think you want
to move: if you don't proceed with the Edwardian house that you want
you are back to square 1, not only that, you will have to do it while
(just) back at work.
I would say: if you can proceed, if the children are happy to move, go
for it.

I prayed for you that there would be some movement, some sign that it
was somehow right (or wrong) for you to move, if there is an opening
that has just turned up then I would say that might be an answer to
prayer.

Thank you SB and DO.

You are both right.It does read clearly now.
I think this is the start of a new life phase,another adventure.And I do think - I hope - that my motives are good.

I love the story of your house,SB.That will definitely be us if we get this house.White emulsion will be about my limit!

Thank you for your prayers,DO.I am very touched.I do hope this is an opening.

I will ring them back tomorrow.They will then want to view within 24hrs.LOADS to do to make it presentable before then.
I do hope this is a real offer,and not one that will evaporate as soon as I want to take it forward....

Well...if the offer isn't real...then the next one will be...

Glad you feel more 'sure' piranhamorgana...bliddy old houses eh ours just sprung a leak around the bath taps....all sealed with the kids fluorescent green plastercine now!

Looks fab' in a toddler kind of way!

It had to be fixed somehow ... I can't be doing with leaky baths and smelly kids!

I've SOLD !!!!!

After a day spent tidying and making tea for the decorator/odd job man,a rep from the Cash Offer agents arrived at teatime.

He offered the same figure we'd discussed over the phone.They will complete within 6 weeks or sooner.If I get a higher offer before they complete,I am not tied in and can accept,although I may owe them "up to £500 " - which won't matter if the higher offer is a lot more.

They already have an investor who has agreed to purchase my house.

They definitely have a bargain.I know I am giving it away....but,I'm not really.I do not have to worry about any more viewings.The offer is guaranteed and will now go ahead.They will pay all costs,and have their own solicitor who will now do all the conveyancing.

He also said I don't need to tidy or paint any more.So I have wasted several hundred on the odd job man.But then I guess I am still open to viewings for higher offers,so...

I have started the purchase of the Edwardian semi.

Woooo! we are on the move......gulp.......

Piranha.

Been lurking and just wanted to say fabulous news.

Up and up!

Congratulations

Congratulations !!

Fabulous news! Yahooo! New life here ya come...

[Grin][Grin][Grin]

Oh poo me didn't work...too much excitement!

Second time lucky??

fantastic news, you can now realax and look forward to your new home.

See?? congratulations. So v pleased for you!! xxx

I think your house is FAB! But I agree that it's maybe not to everyone's taste.

I'm also a hoarder of fabric and suchlike - Lemony's idea about the boxes is a good one. Ikea do v cheap big plastic boxes which you can fill up with fabric/ornaments and stack in the garage or something. I HATE moving (and have done it about 4 times in the last 4 years) - the trick is to have LOTS of boxes and start as early as you can.

I can see why you're tempted by a quick sale - could you maybe give the estate agents a deadline, and then sell it to one of the quick-buy companies if you haven't had any offers by then? That way you know the whole thing will be over one way or another at a set date, which will enable you to make plans for buying your new house and moving.

Ooh total X-post there!

CONGRATULATIONS!!

Oh No

This is all going wrong
I started the purchase.The agents wanted the details of my sale to confirm my offer.

The "cash offer" was presented to them as a "prospective" offer,subject to survey.

They ,of course,won't proceed on this.
I rang the man who I signed with.He was rude and shouted me down.In fact,he was an abusive bastard on the phone.

This morning,I had instructed the on line agents to reduce the price,on the chance that they might get a quick offer for a bit more,while the cash offer goes through - as I had been told that would be no problem.

Well ,the abusive man started shouting at me that I'd " put a spanner in the works and f-ed up my chances of a good deal"

I asked him not to speak to me like that and got a load of "listen sweetheart" crap.

I couldn't get a word in.He threatened me that unless I pull the house off the market within an hour,he would not do business with me.So I said fine and hung up.

He then rang back and left a voicemail to say that they now own the land registry to my property and will only be getting me 75% of the figure we agreed yesterday "because of my behaviour"

I rang the solicitors and informed them that I was pulling out under the terms of the cooling off period of seven day s as stated in the contract.I informed them about the mans' behaviour.

I rang the company and spoke to a man that I have spoken to there before.He agreed to the termination,but said they would need to send out a letter to confirm which I would have to sign and return.I requested an email.This has not yet arrived.I have emailed them.

I will be doing all I can today to ensure that the contract is ended.

The online agents say they are confident that they will get a quick offer at such a low asking price.The woman I have been speaking to there today used to work for the other company and left because she felt they were unethical.

What a nightmare. I am mega stressed.

The arsy man is just being like that as he's lost the commission on doing the 'deal'. Pay no attention he's a bully...and you know all about them already...so are more than capable of recognizing what exactly he is.

As for the contract if necessary let your solicitors deal with the company if the verbal abuse gets too much.

..and keep plugging away with everything else. xx

Yes. Get your Solicitor to deal with them! And Good luck.

I spoke to the arsy mans' boss and made a formal complaint.She has scrapped the Agreement,so that is all sorted.

Except I don't actually have an offer after all.

So back to marketing and tidying.At least all the painting is sorted.

And I am now online at a ridiculously low price.The nice woman said she will eat her hat if it doesn't go very soon - she reckons there will be enquiries by tomorrow.

Just to increase my anxieties,my work are pushing ahead with a tribunal hearing,despite my solicitors report.They aren't able to do it until late March.I will be on half pay by then.I have requested to take all my annual leave for last year over April.Then I will have no choice but to return.To whatever I am offered after the hearing.(I am up against a small collection of NPD-like individuals who have built a case against me)

I would get legal advice to get you out of that deal you signed in the 7 days, I would not trust that firm to send you the paperwork!

I have MH.My solicitors have been communicating with them this afternoon.

I have to hand it to you; you certainly get straight on with things

Wow, what a dodgy company. Thank goodness you found out before any money changed hands. Nice try on knocking off a quarter of the "guaranteed" purchase price "because of your behaviour" - I don't think the law on property sales works that way! They have mistaken their pigeon if they reckon they can bounce you into handing over your house for peanuts. Wouldn't be surprised if you saw them on Watchdog (if that still exists) in the near future. And see, you didn't waste that money having the place done up!

It's early days though, very early days. Now you've worked out the absolute least you can afford to accept you are in a stronger position to move forward. Great to hear that the DCs are on board with moving now, too. Don't agonise about the Edwardian semi too much; it's kind of a symbol of freedom to you at the moment perhaps, but it is not the only prospect and if it doesn't work out despite your best efforts there will be somewhere else. Any place you do get will either be just as lovely, or will be once you and the DCs have had time to put your stamp on it. Stay focussed, but not too narrowly, else you'll be devastated if something prevents you from getting exactly that. The goal is moving, not moving to that one house. If it's meant to be, and all that. I really hope you do get the one you want, of course.

Your ex-managers sound like complete bastards.

I have an update....

The on-line estate agents got me a viewing.She came back twice and offered on Saturday.We have negotiated - upwards,as this is a quick sale agency, they start low to get interest,then see how far upwards buyers will go - and have agreed a sale figure.

That means I have agreed to sell to her.At a low price,but not quite as low as the scam brokers (nearly,though).

Soooooo.....I am cautiously this time.......announcing a possible manoeuvre .....

I have had a structural engineer out to view the Edwardian house,as it has some ominous cracks .His report suggests I can just afford to get the work done on this....everything else will have to wait...but,the vendors have agreed to drop another 5k from the price...

Soooo......I may also have a house to go to...

I have everything crossed.My buyer wants to exchange in 28 days.I have to exchange on my purchase before 28th March otherwise the Edwardian house is contracted to the auctioneers.

We could be in y April,if all goes well.

My return to work plans,however,are another story.
A nightmare.
It feels so scary and bad that I can't even post about it. I don't know what would help.

I feel as if I am being legally abused.

Are there any legal and/or HR experts around?