Need support to break free and move on (long)

[piranhamorgana]

Link here to some of back story.

I am due to return to work in April following a years Maternity Leave with my (very unplanned) dc5.

Thanks to MN,I woke up to the abusive "relationship" I was in with her "father",and there has been no contact since she was a week old.

I moved to this rural town with my dc shortly before becoming pg,2 yrs ago.Previously,we lived in an even more isolated,rural area where all my toxic family also live.Moving here was another attempt to distance us from them.

I am a regular on Stately Homes and the NPD thread.I thought I was fairly sorted re contact with my parents.

Over Christmas,so many things have gone wrong with the house- pipes,floods,electrics,boiler etc.Even after Insurance,I will need to find a lot of money to make the house good.I have a huge mortgage.I am up to my ears in dc.My salary barely covers our outgoings.

I have lots of unpaid bills.

If we moved 50 mile south,I could buy a house similar to ours for a third of the price,albeit in a slightly less "desirable" area (not an issue for me,btw)
I could commute to work on the motorway and aim to drop my hours to three days a week,thereby getting time at home with baby dd.

We would be on a train line to a major city,20 mins away.My eldest dd's are mixed race and want to live in a more culturally diverse part of the country.Also,they will be off to college in a few years.It would be good if the younger 3 dc and I were not too far away to support them.

I would like to research the possibility and practicalities of making this move.It would be convenient to sort it soon - before I am back at work,and before dd1 begins GCSE yr 11 in September.

I am considering cutting my losses with a quick sale.

It is very hard carrying all this alone.The logistics will be a nightmare.I do have friends here who will help as much as they can.I know people in the new area who will help.

I have just outlined some of the above in a phone call to my mother.Predictably,it became all about them,from the start:
How could I put my dc through another upheaval.

How can I deprive them of their g'dc.
Who am I to keep buying,selling,moving and messing around with my dc and parents' lives...

She then went on the "you have always been such a problem to this family,look what you've done to your brothers over the years"

I (uselessly)pointed out that my b's refuse contact with me as they "disapprove" of my "unconventional" life choice.

A tirade of nastiness poured down the phone,denying everything - it's all me,and she won't talk about it as I have hurt her so much already, apparently.

So,another good reason to get going.

Please can I ask for support - encouragement,advice -both for and against my plan ,and a place to put my thoughts and feelings during all this?

I am able to take it if you feel I am making the wrong decision,or should wait.

But I feel like I want to go tonight.....

you are shouldering SO much on your own and if the move makes your day to day life easier I think you should just get going with it.

They shouldn't figure at all in your decision making other than running in the opposite direction. They will never change. You will never get what you need from them.

Make your own family life as good as it can be. For you. For your kids.

WOW!

I have spent the last two days packing up all the clutter and House Dr-ing my dinning room and kitchen-- taking it one room at a time.

This morning,I was beginning to feel hopeless at the amount of hole-filling and painting to be done when the phone rang .

The FastMove people have got a figure for me.As I understand,it is a figure they will now guarantee to get for me,if I sign.
They will then sell to an investor.This buyer will not want to view,will be intending to get contractors to do up the house and then make a profit,and will be doing the same with any number of properties purchased in this way,at the same time.

Once I agree and sign,the details will be sent to likely investors and they say that in 85% of cases a deposit is payed within 5 days.With some,it is longer.

The figure they gave me is40k less than the marketing figure quoted by the local Agents,but only 15k less than the figure those agents said I would be likely to have to accept - before surveys,chains moving or not - not to mention viewings - or none...and no more painting,tidying,just packing!

I will think about it this morning.Am going to the shops.When I get back,the paperwork should be in my email inbox.

I can't see what I have to lose.I will be a cash buyer,I will clear my mortgage and have 15k to put down ona purchase/pay my purchase conveyancing fees (Fastmove pay all selling costs,legals etc)
The houses I am viewing on Saturday are all stupidly cheap (in relative terms- it's a low employment,post industrial area).

What do you think?

I think if you can afford it, go for it. At the moment you're losing, or at least wasting, money staying where you are; how long would your house have to be on the market before you'd effectively spent that £15k you're dropping through a quick sale?

it's all jsut paper numbers isnt it? when it comes to houses....

if selling to the fastmove gives you enough money to buy the house you want and then some - then go for it.

is pointless holding out for better offer.

it is only money - so long as you got enough to buy your new place then why worry over a few thousands more? the amrketing figure from estate agent is no guarntee of getting a sale at that price is it?

what is most important here?
your and the DC new life....

i need to get joint owned property sold -frankly i would take low offer to g t rid...it just isnt worth the aggro..sadly i nee d exP's permission first tho and it all going slowly thru court proces - so am jealous you are in place to sell up adn go where the wind takes you.... go for it.

Well,I've signed the contract!!

Annie- who knows how long my house would be on the market - it is dead around here,nothing is even getting viewings,a friend has had no viewings for over a year.Another friend had been on the market for 5 years with no offers within 30k of her asking price.

cestlavie- I agree ,it's just numbers.None of the money actually exists.
And if I sell this way,I am walking away with no hassle.A big deal for me is not having to "show" the house,and to deal with the highs and lows of offers,chains etc..

Strangely,my eldest dd's are now starting to get cold feet...maybe because it has taken off so quickly.They have been moaning about this area since we got here,but suddenly claim they want to stay.I think it may be fear of another big change - they have had so many.They have refused to come house viewing with me tomorrow and are staying with friends.

The younger two are coming,and are very excited.
Both my exh's are happy about it and realise the sense of it all.We will be 50 miles nearer the eldest dd's dad,and exh 2 will move to the nearest city to where we are going (40 mins from us) as soon as he can - it will be easy to transfer his job,and he has good friends there.So no problems with contact - in fact,I should get more regular weekends with all away together again.

I am looking forward to a new start.I have big hopes pinned on one of the houses we are seeing tomorrow.I am taking a friend who is a builder,so will be well informed....

We could be there before Easter!

cestlavie,I am so sorry you are stuck.I hope the court process isn't too slow.

Hmmm if something looks too good to be true,it probably is...

Not so easy to find a cheaper house.The one's I saw at the weekend were cheap for good reasons,not surprisingly....

So,still looking,and feeling very anxious about where to go and why,all of a sudden.

Priorities are -

To be nearer the city so that my dd's can get in and out on the train/bus on the weekends/evenings.And so that I can,too,one day.

To "move on" from this house,the area and all it's memories.

To be in commuting distance back here for work.There are no external vacancies in my line of work due to restructuring of NHS.I am lucky if I keep my salary,and will hang on to it.

To try and reduce expenses - this is looking less likely,at least on the scale I had hoped.

For the dc's to be in a more culturally diverse school,for them to have the opportunity to learn to be a bit more streetwise.

But my doubts/fears now are to do with leaving a beautiful rural area where it is old fashioned and safe.The dc are all anxious about changing schools and dd2 doesn't want to leave her best friend.

We will be living in a more suburban area,on a street,where we can walk to town - a big town,not like the little country town we are near now.Are we going in the opposite way,I mean,don't other people downsize to safe ,rural areas?

What if I'm making a mistake?

If you're making a mistake, you've already made it ... Sorry, not that helpful! You'll be fine. House-hunting is a pain. Of course you'll be shown the worst buys first. Remember you're a cash buyer and be STROPPY!

I'd kill to be able to move back to the city. It's much harder to pull off the country->city move than the other way around, which is why the country is full of unhappy people who are stuck with it!

You've got cash. Be demanding :)

You are right,Grace!
don't think I have made a mistake...
but I am thinking about things in a different way than previously....listening to myself,where in the past,I have acted more impulsively - I do realise the irony in this,since this is going majorly fast!!!!

I'm not a cash buyer yet,not until the brokers get an investor for me.They need some interior photos ,so I am going to have to be a bit clever,quickly.It is chaos here - boxes everywhere,all the clutter half packed .Not easy to get good pictures.And a big challenge with my currently crawling and clambering 9mo.Will have a go tomorrow.

I saw a big,Edwardian semi today.Much more space than we have here - indoors at least.Totally unmodified since the 1960's - jazzy carpets and mad colour schemes.But also fab old plasterwork,panelling and doors.

In a smart part of a big town which has had a dodgy reputation,but is getting lots of regeneration funding.40 minutes from the city.But only a short walk to all the towns towny things- art centre,museum,library,cinema,theatre...shops!!!!!!!!!!!!!!People!!!!!!!!!

An hour and ten minutes commute back to my job. - Does that sound mad to anyone?

I may make an offer tomorrow.....

The commute is long. As I've worked so long in London, it seems acceptable to me but you need a major attitude shift to make it work. Plus, you've got young children and the travel will really eat into your family time.

Is it in Birmingham? I can ask my sister for a realistic update on your prospective area if so.

Shops & people! I know!!!! I'd settle for living in a drug-infested crime spot for the sake of city life, but those considerations are serious when you've got DCs.

Big Edwardian house, though ...

Just to add a positive - and a bit of thrust to your She-Ra! I sold my beautiful, gorgeous, painstakingly done up by craftsmen (and me) London flat for £300,000 less than the market price. The buyer had cash (from his Dad, bless) and I was being reposessed. Cash is King! And She-Ra!

Thanks Grace,have pm'ed you re location. It's not Birmingham.

The commute is the scariest bit.But I am hoping I may be able to afford to negotiate a flexible working contract within the parents policy for the next 2-3 yrs.Perhaps finishing at 3 instead of 5,or a 4 day week.Not sure which would be best.Or if work will agree.

I still have the tribunal to deal with,but have submitted a legal report and am awaiting their response.....If it goes in my favour,I will be in a strong position to negotiate favourable terms from the start.Plus a phased return...

I will break even ,if this house is the one.So no big reduction in outgoings.And an increase in expenditure with petrol and wear and tear.

But maybe I can make some other cut-backs...Satellite tv,mobile phone contract...

Have made an offer...will update...

Thanks for the PM, PM (I've been dying to write that )

Fingers crossed for you.

Do you need to buy somewhere else immediately? Moving is a pain and your DCs have shown they want security, but maybe you could rent for a short while until you find somewhere that suits for the right price. Worth considering?

Hour and ten minutes commute is nothing, I did it for 30 years. Mind you I wasn't a single parent at the time and only had four DCs .

Hi lovely. Why don't we come up and stay for a weekend and I will help you pack up? I absolutely LOVE the way your house looks. I would live (and almost do as you know ) exactly like that. Your stuff is nicer than mine though

I could take some boxes back home with me and put them in my big loft while yours is on the market.

I think you should think about a new career altogether - that 'junk' or 'delightful buys' shop iodea is a good one. Everyone is buying second hand stuff (look at Kirsty Allsop's whole series on it) With your amazing eye for gorgeous 'junk' you could oopen a shop selling such things and get away from those crappy people at work!

And I agree with whoever else (tomato?) said earlier - be ruthless now. Clear up, pack up, forget that it's your house anymore because you are moving and for all the right reasons. Get on with it. It is feck all to do with your parents or babby's twatty ex.

Will other ex still be able to see older dds though?

Whatever..

Get onto primelocation and start looking.

Once you have found your new place you can unpack all your clutter lovely things and hang 'em all up again! And wander into town for a coffee and paper.

Please can I have your aprons??

Also, anniegetyourgun is a wonderful mother. She has mothered me a bit in the distant past too and she is right
STOP TALKING TALKING TO YOUR HORRIBLE MOTHER!!!

I love you, UA And I'm sorry I was mean to you that time. Even mummies are only human and do get tetchy sometimes.

Thanks Annie - I wouldn't have considered an hour and a half as so bad when I lived near London,but round here,no one can believe I'd consider it.It's more common to work in the family business - on the farm,I guess.

I have considered renting,but as I will have little or no equity and have used my savings (almost all) on having the years maternity leave,I doubt I would ever get a foot back on.

Mortgages are not so easy to get right now.Maximum lend is 90% for a new customer.Even to transfer what I have ,I need a 5% deposit.

I can't imagine bothering to start all over again as a first time buyer.

Plus there is the HUGE amount of crap wondrous treasure that I carry about with me....Not to mention the pleasure of painting,putting things on walls,dog,careless dc....
No,I think I'd rather chance it.....

Eh?? When were you mean?

I have blocked it out if you were!

Oh good, you forgot. Er, I mean, never, of course!

OK, the renting thing was just a thought. The Edwardian semi sounds fab, and who cares what other people think is weird?

UA How fab! Please do come.I will pm you now!

Well, I made a realistic offer. The vendors were about to put the house into the Feb auction,apparently it's a probate sale,so more than one party needs to be consulted re sale.

The agents asked for confirmation that I am proceedable and I put them onto the Fastmovers.Unfortunately,as I am having such a struggle getting decent interior photos over to them,they could only confirm that they are " confident they will find a purchaser for me in a very short space of time"

So the vendors have agreed to hold off until the March auction and have accepted my offer pending my being able to proceed.But the house is still on the market.

Nail biting wait now.And it is soooo hard to get the rooms done.I managed the bathroom ,dining room ,conservatory and garden yesterday.This morning ,I have done the kitchen and the second reception room.
It all involves shifting half packed boxes and clutter out of shot,then back again after.From room to room.Whilst baby clings to my ankles moaning to be picked up,or clambers around pulling things onto her head.Or attacks the dog.

Plus I have to sort out paperwork for the mortgage.And for work.
And cook,wash,eat,sort homework/fights/orchestra/music practice etc,etc...

I will post the "after " pics on my profile.

You're doing amazingly well to have cleared up so much - the pictures look like a different place altogether.

Jolly lucky - for me - dd2 (13) has had flu this week and been unable to go to school.....

Still here,still in chaos.
No cash offers have materialized from the Fastmovers so far.

I have registered with 2 online estate agents who will circulate on all the right sites.Have priced "realistically low " to get interest,and will only accept viewings from proceedable buyers.

Am still struggling with clutter - particularly in dc's bedrooms.

I have an odd job man - on recommendation - coming to fill in holes and paint over everywhere for a price job.

After a weekend in our prospective destination,all dc are keen to get going.Bright lights ,big city stuff - leisure centres,bowling,cinemas,lots of cool looking young people.So that's good.

But time is ticking on.I am due back in work by April.I don't want to put baby dd into childcare here,only to disrupt her again,quickly.I can't imagine coordinating the logistics of moving when I am just back in work.After nearly 18 mo at home.

I want to get going.

A cash buying company rang today and offered me a very low offer,which -they say- will not reduce further once I sign.They would come out within 24hrs to look over the house and then give me the contract there and then.They are not agents like the others.They buy themselves ,pay my fees,and complete within 6 weeks.

But I will only just clear my mortgage.

But I would still be able to proceed on the Edwardian semi.And that will be going to auction in March,won't be an option for me ,then.

I have said I will sleep on it,do some figures and speak to them tomorrow.I could do it.With nothing to spare.I would have to do up the new place very slowly.

I could sit tight and wait for viewers.But I could be waiting a long time.Or I could be lucky.Time is putting me under pressure.

And I want to start our new life.I would rather go back to work from there than here.

Please give me some opinions and advice!

Hi piranhamorgana

My advice may not be of much use, because its not really based in logic...

I think it really comes down to making a decision that you can personally live with.

If you decide to wait for a regular buyer will you be happy waiting until you sell...can you cope with that regarding your family??

If you take the offer and it all falls through for whatever reason, can you rent in the area you want until you can buy??

If you stay and wait will you be tormenting yourself for not just going for it?

Underneath all the doubts and logic...what do you want to do??