Need support to break free and move on (long)

[piranhamorgana]

Link here to some of back story.

I am due to return to work in April following a years Maternity Leave with my (very unplanned) dc5.

Thanks to MN,I woke up to the abusive "relationship" I was in with her "father",and there has been no contact since she was a week old.

I moved to this rural town with my dc shortly before becoming pg,2 yrs ago.Previously,we lived in an even more isolated,rural area where all my toxic family also live.Moving here was another attempt to distance us from them.

I am a regular on Stately Homes and the NPD thread.I thought I was fairly sorted re contact with my parents.

Over Christmas,so many things have gone wrong with the house- pipes,floods,electrics,boiler etc.Even after Insurance,I will need to find a lot of money to make the house good.I have a huge mortgage.I am up to my ears in dc.My salary barely covers our outgoings.

I have lots of unpaid bills.

If we moved 50 mile south,I could buy a house similar to ours for a third of the price,albeit in a slightly less "desirable" area (not an issue for me,btw)
I could commute to work on the motorway and aim to drop my hours to three days a week,thereby getting time at home with baby dd.

We would be on a train line to a major city,20 mins away.My eldest dd's are mixed race and want to live in a more culturally diverse part of the country.Also,they will be off to college in a few years.It would be good if the younger 3 dc and I were not too far away to support them.

I would like to research the possibility and practicalities of making this move.It would be convenient to sort it soon - before I am back at work,and before dd1 begins GCSE yr 11 in September.

I am considering cutting my losses with a quick sale.

It is very hard carrying all this alone.The logistics will be a nightmare.I do have friends here who will help as much as they can.I know people in the new area who will help.

I have just outlined some of the above in a phone call to my mother.Predictably,it became all about them,from the start:
How could I put my dc through another upheaval.

How can I deprive them of their g'dc.
Who am I to keep buying,selling,moving and messing around with my dc and parents' lives...

She then went on the "you have always been such a problem to this family,look what you've done to your brothers over the years"

I (uselessly)pointed out that my b's refuse contact with me as they "disapprove" of my "unconventional" life choice.

A tirade of nastiness poured down the phone,denying everything - it's all me,and she won't talk about it as I have hurt her so much already, apparently.

So,another good reason to get going.

Please can I ask for support - encouragement,advice -both for and against my plan ,and a place to put my thoughts and feelings during all this?

I am able to take it if you feel I am making the wrong decision,or should wait.

But I feel like I want to go tonight.....

wow how wonderful
yep I would pack all the soft furnishing that's hanging but to be honest it would not put me off
I would take it as the house has been loved enjoyed and taken great care off and that people living there had a fantastic time !

tomatoplant - that is good advice..but sooo difficult to get on with!

Lemon - I have just ordered boxes online...so I guess I will have to make a start when they arrive.I have got the number of a storage company from a neighbour,so I may get a unit and just load it up,bit by bit...

JustFor - thanks! that's a lovely way to see it!

I think I will try a subtle compromise!

I want Grace to come and have a look! Should I shout her,or wait til she sees the thread?

I love your house! It's beautiful, real, charming and fascinating :)

BUT you don't want fascinating for a quick sale. Only 20% of people have the ability to conceptualise in 3D. That means most people can't even imagine what an empty house would be like with their stuff in it. Ask them to imagine it without your stuff, then re-imagine it with their stuff, and you're making a tricky job even harder. (This is why I used to be able to buy very cheaply, and how 'house doctors' work.)

When the walls are covered with things, buyers assume you must be hiding defects. Also, your collections are distracting to a buyer. You're not selling your mirror collection, you're selling the pretty staircase. So pack them nicely, put them in your storage unit (good idea!) and picture how you'll arrange your new house ... while filling & painting the nail holes.

Your colours are lovely, but if you can manage the cost/ time/ effort/ find a painter, give it a fresh coat of paint. Aim for a more conventional arrangement, PM. You've obviously got style by the truckload, so I know you'll make it spacious, welcoming and special :)

From what you've siad before, XP will find out anyway. The important thing, surely, is to make sure he doesn't know your next address? Don't be afraid to call the cops again if he kicks off. I'm so HAPPY you're moving further away from the P&M! Are you going to bite the bullet and keep your new address & phone number to yourself?

I'm so sorry you've had so many problems to deal with, straight after everything else. Congratulations on dealing with it all. You are a star, you know! I bet you're loving the thought of getting away from all that, to a saner & more enjoyable new start.

Annie is a lovely Mummy. Stick with her

Well done, girl. You go! xxx

Thanks Grace

What a lovely post.

I realise now ,that I have a big task to take on,and just when dd5 is crawling and climbing, too!

I also have to prepare and submit the tribunal hearing report and then negotiate a return to work.

My deadline is April - start of!

So...it could well work out easier to cut my losses with a quickmove at a "loss" (I really can't see it as a loss,since the profit is only potential)

The thing is,I have soooo much on my plate.And am only just beginning to feel like my old ,strong self again.

I had such a run of bad luck when selling my previous house. I really just want to "walk away" from this,without all the viewing,offers that come to nothing,surveys and renegotiations......

I will give it a go.But a short one.

And I will have to be realistic about how much de-cluttering I can do....in all likely-hood,not a great deal,due to time and dc commitments,written work and meetings...oh yes,and shopping ,cooking ,eating,sleeping - that sort of thing!

Piranha a "To Do" list would be your friend. You've had some lovely replies on this thread. We'll keep encouraging you!

Thanks Lemony. Yes this thread has really given me a lift!

I will post a to do list at some point today.

Any contributions,ideas - a start off - most welcome!

Nice to see you're getting your head around it. You sound like a real She-Ra

Since the (freshly-painted, more conventional) appearance of the house could make tens of thousands of pounds worth of difference ... it might be worth hiring someone to do this, if you can manage it. Ime, hiring a yoof for this sort of thing is a false economy but an older person can be a good one (they we tend to understand about treating "things" with respect). Plus, there's a very large pool of unemployed grown-ups right now. Put a notice in the post office? You don't have to say you're moving, just reworking your look.

My suggestion, to begin: Pack one collection (mirrors?) in boxes, using your antique fabrics as padding. Remember to dust them as you put them away, then you'll know they'll greet you with a shine when you reveal 'em to your new home :) Use boxes the right way up and mark them clearly in BIG MARKER on the top and two adjacent sides.

Are you still with your therapist? You seem to be doing ever so well!

Thanks Grace!

I think that one thing to be said for having had a pretty rough time as a child due to crap parents,and consequently making lots of not -so -good choices and decisions,and a fair bit of bad luck.....is that since I have, eventually ,got up and started again every time (- latterly for my dc's sake - )I have evidence that I can...and,well,I guess I will just have to keep doing it...
...and hope that this time I have a clearer sense of where to go next...what not to do...

Thanks to MN for sooo much,though...not least that I now know what the red flags are!!!!!
And so many Fabulous role models!

I had 4 sessions with a senior psychotherapist who happens to know the ins and outs of much of my work issue,from a different perspective.This has been hugely validating,and hopeful.

The parallels between what I was experiencing over a 3 year period from work,XP and my parents are as clear as day to me now.

Seeing and understanding this ,has enabled me to deal with all the attached emotional ,personal stuff in a similar healthy way...

...guess what? - It's "DON'T ENGAGE"!!!

(obviously there's more to it - how not to...and I am going to continue with Schema Therapy over this year, to nail that,if I can)

I will absolutely not let these bastards break me.
I will probably always feel an underlying deep sadness -seemingly irresolvable - at not having had/got parental love - at their betrayal of me;tricking me into believing that their abuse was/is love...

But if I can't have a Mummy,I can at least be the sort of Mummy to my dc's ,that I wish I had had.

So,I will pack up,tidy up and do what needs to be done...

By the Power of Grey skull and with the support of wonderful MN !

Piranha "But if I can't have a Mummy,I can at least be the sort of Mummy to my dc's ,that I wish I had had."

I have come to the conclusion that my mum will never be the kind of mum that I need. Instead, she's the kind of mum that I've got. My kids will not suffer the same....

You are so very strong, you'll do it!

I haven't read your back story but based on your post alone I'd say you need to do what is best for you and your children.

I think you know what that is...best of luck!

Thanks,Lemony and MrsLucas.

I am actually excited about the boxes arriving,and quite keen to make a start!

I have decided to try and sort out the shed and summer house ,so that they can be used as storage,instead of hiring a unit.They aren't very dry,but stuff in boxes should be ok with tarpaulins over it.

Plan so far -

1. I have contacted 2 estate agents and asked for valuations,which they will come to do next week.

2.I have registered with a fast sell broker - am under no obligation at this stage.They will give me a figure v soon.

3.I am finishing a report for work which I will finalise and submit tomorrow,pending a meeting next Tuesday.

1. I will allow my thoughts and ideas to "settle" over the weekend.Got some nice plans lined up

5.Hopefully,the boxes will have arrived by Tuesday or Wednesday,at which point I will make a plan for a room by room declutter, neutralising ,diy and clean-up exercise.

1. First job will then be organise the sheds......

watch this space!

Excellent!

Thanks for the introduction to schema theory, PM. I'm going to get the Young & Klosko book and Emotional Alchemy :)

Well done PM. I am feeling nervous, how do you feel today?

Hi,Interested.Well,I have noticed an increase in my night-time anxiety - finding I have so much to think about that I can't switch off easily.

Had a long chat with eldest dd's last night,which has made it all very real and a bit intense - they are concerned about schoolwork and exams,and sad at the thought of leaving friends.But they are keen to get going.

The younger 2 are excited and happy.

The trouble is,they all want the answers to impossible questions - when will we go,which house will we get,how long will it all take....that sort of thing.

Of course,I'd like to know too!
I have seen a house I like and will go for a viewing next week.
The boxes came today and are taking up all the hallway and passage.

I will do nothing about anything until Tuesday now...although I may be posting here!

your house is lvoely very kirstie allsopp!

but yes i say go for it - if the on-thetable-buyer is not too far offesate agents then take teh money and go.

and dont mention moving to your mother again - just dismiss with "oh will let you know if i decide" and move topic...til the day you move...

Thanks cestlavie.

I hung up on my mother.She has not rung us back,which is most unusual,since she generally rings all the time (we just don't pick up!)

I have no doubt that she had a screaming crying fit when I hung up,which will have led to my father cursing me and decreeing that no one speak to me again.My b and sil will have been summoned to give support and sympathy to them both and to discuss how appalling I am.

This has happened many ,many times.

They will be awaiting my apology for hanging up,and for upsetting mother.

When that doesn't happen,they will ring and wait until one of the dc answers the phone.They will ask dc not to tell me that they have called,but go on at length about how sorry they are that their mummy - me - is giving them such a terrible life and offering to come and collect them at any time.

My dc will be polite and distant and non-committal,then tell me what was said.
I will then confront my mother and she will deny having said this to dc,but tell me that yes,I am giving them a terrible life and that they - my p's - have a "right" to see my dc,and that I m obstructing this.....

The last time this happened,they ignored me for a year,whilst living in the same small village,but kept on "bumping into" my dc when I was not there,phoning them at their fathers' or at the childminders. They see this as reasonable.

I hope I can manage to move without giving them our address.

I suspect a hurt letter will arrive soon.

maybe let the older dc decide what if any relationship they have with the gps?

and dont even confront - dont engage - just ignore. much like with an ex...

You don't need to confront her. It won't achieve anything. You know and your dc know that she's not going to get them. The evil ones won't be able to bump into them by accident if you're at the other end of the country, especially if they don't know which end. This is going to be good.

Hi, how are you getting along?

I am seriously anxious, and I am a bit of a jeckel and hyde (sp?) and I am beginning to hate myself for it. I am going through loads of pre-sale jobs, and there are not enough hours in the day, I am not able to split myself in as many ways as I can, I have to shop for the things, spend time doing the jobs, and all that on top of normal life. I feel quite angry also feel unsupported in the home by the children who are not pulling their weight and I feel like they are lead weights around my neck, and it is my fault as I have always been one to carry the burdon of caring for the home. I have recruited help, I have a gardener coming later in the week to tidy up the edges of the lawn and jobs like that. I am also looking at getting a cleaner, as I don't know where I will get the time to give a deep clean to every room, it will take me a day to clean the oven alone! I have a dozen people coming to view the property on Saturday morning. Either the market has gone bonkers or the house is underpriced, that is a lot of people for the first day of viewings .

Well,I had friends to stay at the weekend.We were sharing a few glasses of wine.
The phone rang,my ds walked in and gave me the cordless handset saying it's for you.don't know who,though.

It was my father - he almost never speaks on the phone and is ill,so ds had not recognised him.
I was a bit merry ,and the room was busy.I automatically went into my "bright,cheerful,like I'm someone else" mode.

He was gruff and mean-sounding.Said " we are bringing Auntie B over to meet the baby on Thursday,or had you forgotten? "

I had forgotten.Aunty B has downs syndrome and dotes on my dc.She is my Godmother and I rarely see her as she lives in London.She is desperate to see baby dd and has been writing to me about meeting her and has bought her a gold locket.

Aunty B is fetched from her accommodation by my mother -her sister.She is collected a few days later by their brother,who takes her for a stay with his family and then back home.This happens two or three times a year,but since my fathers illness,it has been greatly reduced.

I would like to see her and so would the dc.She would not understand a cancellation and would be upset.She doesn't have room for us all to stay with her,and couldn't have us anyway.I rarely get to London.

This visit was planned last year.

So,they have "got in" again.

I had a short, bright ,breezy "chat" about arrival times.Nothing else was mentioned.My father sounded surprised that I did not confront him.

They will come for tea on Thursday and behave as if the other stuff never took place.No one will mention moving.If I should ever refer to it,they will change the subject.They will deny that any unpleasantness ever took place.

sigh

I think that they did get in, and in that case I think there was little you could do about it as I am sure your Aunt needed them and the visit would have been a delight for her and the children, I think you are right to "pretend", have you got any plans for the future with the aunt? Could you go and visit her once a year?

How exciting to veiew the new properties.

Yes,that's it,Interested.

My Aunt is one of the reasons I have never managed no contact.

She is devoted to my mother.However,my mother does tell her details which are inappropriate about my life and her own.For example she will discuss how I have upset her.My Aunt will be very upset and write to me pleading with me to make everything better.

She is high functioning and lives alone with support,but is really vulnerable and doesn't understand why everyone can't just get along happily together.I do not discuss personal things with her;just have chatty catch -ups.

I did used to take the dc down to stay,but they were younger - and smaller - then.My Aunt is quite elderly now.Mothers' other sibs all take turns having her and she is greatly cherished.

She would not understand and would be heartbroken to hear that I had moved away with no forwarding address.Mother knows this,too.I think they know that it likely to be a step too far for me,due to these wider repercussions.

I really think my only way out is to "pretend",not to engage,not to share anything beyond superficial ,and to wait for my p's to die.

My stomach is fligging all over the place today. How are you PM?

Hi - I am stressing today,and really tired from not sleeping.

The estate agent valued my house at the same figure I paid 2 years ago,but says the market is flat and I will need to expect to accept a fair bit less.And it could take a few years ....a neighbours house,which is very similar,has been on for a year with NO viewings....

I have a meeting about work later today,and a therapy session tomorrow...plus it is Aunty B's visit teatime tomorrow.

My lovely Homestart lady helped me to strip the dining room ,and we filled 4 boxes.It looks very drab now,and there is tons of filling and painting to do...but it is a good start.

I am finding it impossible difficult not to feel totally overwhelmed by it all.

I have given the valuation to the Fastmove people.
They are going to get back to me by tomorrow with a figure that they will guarantee for a fast sale to one of their investors.This will be someone who can be sure of a profit,a portfolio builder r someone oversees investing in many fast sales, lots of small profits.

The figure will be much lower than the valuation,perhaps 40k less.

But,if it is guaranteed,I will probably take it and go. I don't want all the hassle and uncertainty.

Of course,they will have done their research and may not make a viable offer.Or any offer