condom in pocket. We're here again.

[worriedbee]

I found a condom in DP's pocket while doing the washing the yesterday. Done some snooping and came up with a text message in his phone "Yeah I had a great time x"

The rest of the texts are deleted.
Not great is it.

Possible mitigating factors:

• the condom is one of ours. We have just been away - perhaps he picked it to take away.

• there were some lying about (our room in a tip with stuff after returning after holiday!) perhaps he picked it up because it was lying about.

• he has lots of friends, male and female, the text could be innocent I guess

• he always deletes his texts every so often (phone old and crap so not much memory)

• he's not hiding his phone from me or acting suspicious in any other way

Still, really not great is it.

We've been getting on really well. I know that's no indication of fidelity.

We've been here before. Bugger.

Last time I suspected cheating, after much soul searching I challenged him, and ended up feeling completely reassured. I don't feel I can challenge him this time. If I'm going to challenge him again I would need solid proof I think.

OP
Yhe situation is really clear and doesn't warrant 8 pages.

Either you keep silent and meanwhile dig/pry and hope to find further evidence ( and you might or might not)

or, you confront him.
Your reasons behind delaying the latter seem to stem from insecurity- you don't want to look a "fool" , and be taken in by his lies if he really is guilty.

I think you really know how likely it is that the condom was in his pocket for innocent reasons.

What is worrying is that you seem afraid to ask the simplest question- such as "Oh when I picked up your trousers to wash them, look what I found." ( and show him the trousers and condom.)

You live with this man. You have female antenae. You should be able to suss out a lie at a mile.

Are you simply afraid of losing him? If so your fear may well become a self-fulfilling prophecy, as you dither.

I havn't read the whole thread but i do think you may be over reacting. Why don't you trust him? has he cheated before? What is a relationship without trust?

You either have to ask him about it or trust him.

If you can't trust him then maybe its time to give up on your relationship .

Hi Bee

I'm not normally impatient or unkind, but really, I think you need to look at the majority opinion here, and most especially look again at WWIFN said. Her wise words resonate.

Your partner is cheating on you Bee - and you are deluding yourself.

Whether you feel you can carry on ignoring it or not, for whatever convoluted emotional reason - maybe you feel guilt for your own behaviour in the past, I don't know, ( but kudos to you for explaining it) - this is NOT, it really is NOT either a healthy relationship for you OR a good atmosphere and male role model for your son.

I am astonished how many women here describe the most awful domestic situations and there is always a refrain - but he's a great Dad. It makes no sense.

You don't want to break up the family without reasonable cause. But you have it, and you are well palced financially it seems, to live independently.

We are all left wondering, giving the history, what on earth is stopping you from having the confrontation/discussion whatever - ideally facilitated by a third party that you so clearly must do.

What Cabbageroses said

You either need to actively seek out answers by 'digging' as per my previous post

or

Confront and deal with the fallout.

There will be then be three outcomes:

1. He proves, and you are 100% satisfied that there is no cheating

1. He is revealled to be a liar and a cheat

1. He lies and you still don't know where you stand.

Regardless of whether it is option 1 or 3 you will have to deal with the luck of trust/communication in your marraige.

If it is option 3, you will have to deal with another episode of uncertainty, his counter accusation of your jealousy and a decision as to whether to 'beleive him' yet again.

It's a lot to do, so please take action now because for every day you 'wonder what to do', another day of meaningless limbo is wasted.

Why not just say to him

'i left your condom that i found in your trousers for the wash on the drawers in the bedroom(or where you left them) did you get it?'

See what his reaction is?!

Thats what i would do, not pussy foot around, i 8knew something was going on between DH and a female ''friend'' they both asured me i was wrong and that they werent texting each other - i stuidply let it go and believed them both and then the phone bill arrived...... (although nothing went on because she was 9mths pregnant at the time cough slag cough*)

Luckily the 'bitch' is no longer a friend and me and DH are nw happier than we could be

Time for a cheeky wine so this woman is a bitch and a slag and you are now happier than ever with DH? Might I suggest that your DH is also a bitch and a slag then for texting said friend? >Some people astound me with their logic emoticon< meh!

'The first time I was right (basically he had considered it but not acted on it, if he's to be believed) and the other two times I was off the mark (again if he's to be believed).'

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice... Three times? He is taking the piss.

And playing with your mind. That baloney about being no good at talking about feelings is rubbish. He has checked out of the relationship and is enjoying the role of silent mystery man. If he cared he would talk. Nobody is that dumbstruck unless it's getting him something.

You keep on saying you have no proof, but what you have is lack of trust. If you're going to make this work you have to silence your gut feelings and stick your fingers in your ears and say lalala a lot. Can you live with lack of trust? Do you want to find proof? Are you ready for the truth? If not why not? Why are you willing to live with someone you don't trust? You are choosing one sort of unhappiness over another - why?

I am with worriedbee on this one. He has messed up in the past but not to the point of actual infidelity. It does look bad but I would not walk away from a relationship with the Father Of My Child(children in my case) without some definate proof.
As for going to Relate, worriedbee hasn't said that she won't go just that she won't go yet.
It annoys me that that on this forum and others like it as soon as someone posts that they have a problem with their relationship you seem to get a lot of people telling them they should end it. When a relationship has kids involved surely you should try everything to mend things before you give up (this does not apply in cases of mental/physical abuse!)
There is no happy ever after and relationships/people do not come in one size fits all packages!
Worriedbee I wish you the best of luck and even if you do find the answer you don't want, I hope that you and your other half at least try and work things through!

frid, I class infidelity and/or leaving someone in a state of mental anguish because you keep dangling "evidence" about it to be "mental abuse"

some people may not

Worriedbee- I know you don't feel you have enough evidence to throw your relationship away, but i really think you need to challenge him for your own sanity. He needs to recognise how suspicious his behaviour is and show he is totally above board (not deleting texts etc) and trustworthy or else I am afraid he does have something to hide.

Just because he is staying with you does not mean he loves you. Someone I knew once who was a serial adulterer said he stayed with his wife 1. for the kids, 2. for the house, and 3. for her. I wouldn't want to stay with someone who put the house before me! Eventually they split up - it just should have happened a lot sooner for everyone's sakes.

Having looked back at your other old thread, you seem convinced that the last two times you confronted him you were in the wrong and he proved his innocence, so feel like it won't do you any favours to approach him again.

On one thread, I'm not so sure that you asking him where the missing condom has gone and him not knowing proves his innocence.

On the other, him declaring he loves you does not prove his innocent. The text was very suspicious to me - if he sent it to you in error and it was innocent he would have just said, "oh sorry, that was meant for my mate/work colleague/etc" but instead he tried to pretend it was for you even though 1. he NEVER asks you to text him EVER and 2. when you did call there was nothing he wanted to specifically talk about!

You say you don't think he's stupid enough to take condoms from your personal supply but seems to me like he might well buy his own supplies most of the time, but he might well run out and therefore need one in a hurry and just grab what he needs...

Sorry but i really feel that he is unfaithful. He may well love you, but his behaviour shows he doesn't respect you.

I just don't understand shy you seem ok with the anguish this is causing you. What part of your shock at finding the condoms does your H not understand? Do you feel this level of disrespect for your feelings is all right?

Is extremely hurtful behaviour tolerable, and only flagrant and undeniable infidelity will be the deal breaker? Because infidelity is very easy to hide, while hurt is right there under your nose all the time.

What is it you want people to say and what is the point of these threads?

To get posters to say "ohhhhhhhhh no, he is a lovely Dad, you must not consider leaving him, turn a blind eye, it will all be innocent".

The fact that most people would have kicked him out by now, must tell you something? Incident after incident he must be laughing his head off at you.

I don't know what you want people to say to you? That he is not cheating, do you want people to lie to you about how they see it?

Your thread reminds me of telling a child something they don't want to hear, so they stick their fingers in their ears and say "lalalala" selective hearing.

A relationship should not be this painful or hard.

There are people who love the thrill of living dangerously and gt their kicks out of thinking they are so much smarter than the person they are fooling. You may have one of these on your hands.

If, as you indicate, you feel he was tripped into marriage by you, you may be sending some sort of message that you are sorry to have forced him to be an adult before he was ready for it; he may well feel the same way and be blaming you for forcing him into a role he didn't want, and could get a lot of satisfaction out of seeing you as a mother figure and himself as a child, getting away with deception.

If so, it won't stop.

I've read this thread and come back to it again and again.

I'm a bit confused about you saying there's a 'lack of evidence' OP.

Unless you and H routinely have spontaneous sex (together, I mean) away from your home, why would he be carrying condoms around?

How many times have you found them on him now?

Even if he has never found anyone else to use them with, how can you stomach the idea that he is hoping or planning such a person might turn up?

Surely he is quite clearly at least thinking about opportunities for casual sex?

Or have I missed something?

Out of interest - a different scenario, but what would you say to this.

Imagine a friend tells you that she has found condoms on her partner not once, but three times - twice in his pockets (from their own supply) and then once she found several condoms in his work bag. The work bag ones were there for a few weeks.

When confronted he proclaimed his love and faithfulness to her. However as she knows he had been unfaithful in his major previous relationships she really didn't know whether she could trust him.

What would you say to that? Please indulge me on this, I'm interested.

I would say, why is he taking condoms to work? There is no possible innocent explanation that I can think of.

I would say who is he planning to shag whilst he is at work?!!

I'd say same as malinkey. There's no plausible explanation for taking condoms to work unless he was at least planning (hoping) to sleep with somebody that wasn't you.

Doubly worrying since he's got form from previous relationships. He has demonstrably got the capacity to be unfaithful.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

What would I say? Really?

What the FUCK have you got condoms in your work bag for?

WB...was that mean to be a different scenario than the one you have posted ?

You are asking the exact same question as in your OP (just summarised a bit more concisely)

Are you trying to get people to give a different answer than the virtually unanimous one you have already had because this time it's a "friend" ?

fgs, wake up

you can ask the same questions in as many slightly different ways as you like, it doesn't change anything

and it won't on your next identical thread either

pastapesto6
Yes i am happier than ever. She has a record of sleeping around and wouldnt have surprised me if the baby she was carrying and is carrying now is her blokes. My DH got what he deserved, he knows if ANYTHING Happens again then he is gone!! End of.

Worriedbee, my dh travels throughout the year for work, maybe a dozen times. If I ever, even once, found condoms in his work/washbag, i would have the divorce papers ready the next day. I wouldn't care that he hadn't used them, the fact that he went away with intent to be unfaithful would be proof enough for me. And most self respecting women I would imagine.

And as your title says, inaccurately, we're here again, well, we aren't, but you very much are.

How much more can you take?

And the person in that scenario should leave her DP then, you reckon, as you think I should leave mine?

I think you should have left him way back when you found the condoms in his workbag.