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Relationships

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Original poster

Inappropriate touching or am I over-sensitive?

122 replies

picknmix100 · 09/01/2011 22:17

I recognised that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship 2 years ago and addressed it with DH 18 months ago. This resulted in him moving into the spare room and doing various things to help him with his difficult behaviour. Although his behaviour has improved a bit, it's not enough for me to want to emotionally committ to him again or share a bed. The comments he makes and the half-hearted way he has committed to counselling makes me realise he doesn't really accept that he has been EA, he just thinks he is depressed and I am accusing him unjustly.

Recently he has started to really pressure me into moving back into the bedroom, stating that it is embarrassing if people know and damaging the kids that we have separate rooms and blaimed me for his Dad not sleeping over Christmas night. He no longer respects the bedroom as my space and keeps coming in at night.

Alongside this he has started to touch me an awful lot. He keeps patting my bum and adjusting my clothing around that area, uninvited. He does this when I am doing something where it is hard to move away. He often stands in such a place that I have to squeeze past him. He did this on holiday and pushed his groin into me as I squeezed past. My DS noticed and was revolted.

Yesterday he deliberately brushed his hand past my top. I always move away when he does this type of touching. He knows I don't like it by my body language. I have told him I do not want him back in the bedroom as I do not feel things are sufficiently changed. This is happening in a relationship where we are not intimate anymore and he knows how I feel. I feel this touching is not right.

I know I will get blasted by MNs for still being in house with him but we have had very unusual circumstances this last 18 months death, illness, redundancy etc and the time has not been right.

I just want to know if he is behaving inapproriately given the circumstances or if he is just a normal husband frustrated at the situation. I made it clear I was not happy earlier when he touched me and he said its just that he finds me very attractive at the moment. He is now not talking to me. He's also started to make sexual references about me. Perhaps he thinks it will help get our relationship back on track.

OP posts:

FudgeGirl · 09/01/2011 22:40

How old is DS?

If things are still not right after all this time, death/illness/circumstances whatever - you need to end this farce.

Because although he has no right to touch you if you don't want him to, he obviously doesn't know what's going on and is making some cackhanded effort to get things back to some normality in your relationship. I'm not excusing his abuse, but he does sound confused and frustrated.

If the touching and/or resuming the relationship is not what you want, you need to send the message loud and clear that things are over and you both have to move on. This funny sort of limbo doesn't sound good for either of you.

BeerTricksPotter · 09/01/2011 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

picknmix100 · 09/01/2011 22:57

DS is 12.

I guess I guess I feel that if he wants us to get back together he should be making real efforts to change and develop our relationship. The thing he is most vocal about is our separate bedrooms. He has often blaimed this for him treating me badly and if we slept together again he would be OK. Part (but by no means all) of the reason our relationship has broken down was his excessive use of porn and a very particular type that correlated with some of the EA I had been getting over the years.

I think he does know that I don't like the touching, as he has made the occassional comment about me not liking him near me and me being frigid.

OP posts:

hairyfairylights · 09/01/2011 23:01

It will take more than just body language. You will need to be explicit with him. Tell him straight you are
separated, but living in the same house.

Heroine · 09/01/2011 23:01

I do think you sound like you are training a dog rather than dealing with a human - he might be cack-handed, but I think he may just trying to find away to express the fact he wants things to be warmer between you - you sound horribly like you are in punishing mode, and can't move out of it, which sounds like emotional abuse of him I'm afraid, and someone has to say it to you.

hairyfairylights · 09/01/2011 23:05

To counter the frigid comment, "no I'm not frigid. I don't fancy you and we are not in a relationship"

pozzled · 09/01/2011 23:05

What he is doing is completely inappropriate given that he knows you don't like it. Even if you were currently in a sexual relationship with him, that still doesn't give him the right to grope you whenever he wants to- not without your encouragement.

I agree with the other posters that you need to find a way to move on. If you think that you still have a future with him you could consider Relate or similar, and make it quite clear to him what needs to happen before you are willing to take things further (e.g. no more physical contact unless you initiate it). If you think the relationship is over then you really do need to separate properly. I can see why it has been difficult up to now, but you can't go on living together forever if you're not a couple.

chrysanthemum38 · 09/01/2011 23:06

Do you want your marriage to continue or not?

It's not inappropriate touching for a husband, but it is inappropriate touching for someone with whom you are separated from.

Do you see yourself as still being in a relationship with him/married to him or not? And does he think you are, or not?

I know sometimes financial circumstances make it difficult, but is there any way you can sell the house, split the equity and go your separate ways?

NoNamesNoPackDrill · 09/01/2011 23:06

Can you imagine ever having sex with him or wanting to kiss him or have him in your bed?

If not you should be honest and tell him so you can work out how to separate properly.

It sounds horrible for both of you and I hope you can find a solution

hairyfairylights · 09/01/2011 23:07

I am totally shocked that anyone would think the op is emotionally abusive to her ex!!!! She has been very clear about her boundaries by insisting on seperate rooms.

arentfanny · 09/01/2011 23:08

Why is he stil in the same house as you?

TheFarSide · 09/01/2011 23:09

OP I think Heroine has a point that it sounds like you are punishing him. Withholding sex is very controlling.

Or are you saying that the relationship is over?

arentfanny · 09/01/2011 23:11

The Farside and Heroine are youa ctualy rading the OP?

JustForThisOne · 09/01/2011 23:12

Picnmix...this is so sad

I agree with BTP and Heroine ... you sound utterly disgusted by him. It is possibly a consequences of having put up with him and his sexual tastes for too long in the past.

Sound to me that you need individual therapy for yourself AND Relate

I feel also uncomfortable at the thought that you made it obvious in front of your DS that he makes you cringe

TheFarSide · 09/01/2011 23:16

I admit I find the post a bit confusing. It's not clear to me whether the relationship is definitely over or whether there is still a chance if the husband makes more of an effort. Sounds to me like he is also confused about whether the relationship is over or not.

pozzled · 09/01/2011 23:17

Agree with Hairy.

Why do people make excuses for men like this? He has been emotionally abusive, is unwilling to take responsibility for this, is putting pressure on the OP by arguing that their lack of a sexual relationship will affect the DC, and his Dad. He won't respect her personal boundaries and is making her feel very uncomfortable. Also this- "He's also started to make sexual references about me" OP, what kind of comments? To whom is he making these references?

And I HATE that comment about 'withholding sex'. As if everyone has a right to regular sex on demand, rather than sex being an act which two people engage in when they both desire it.

TheFarSide · 09/01/2011 23:22

But pozzled, I think some people do withhold sex as a form of control. I'm wondering why the OP's partner is not getting the message - it may well be that he is dense and abusive, but it may also be that he doesn't realise the relationship is over.

I am not making excuses for anyone, but offering a different perspective.

OP, is the relationship definitely 100% over?

Heroine · 09/01/2011 23:39

I'm sorry, but we don't know that 'he has been emotionally abusive' etc we have only been told that he is. If I 'banished' someone to a separate (not the main bedroom)this is clearly a humiliating action, unless you completely paid for the house yourself - it is a clear sign of humilation and shows that you are trying to get your own back rather than actually listen to him and work together on solutions - it sounds dreadful, and any move he makes is stamped on. I'm afraid this is emotional abuse and shouldn't be rewarded just because its a woman doing it. It must be awful to be made to shuffle around your own house like a whipped dog. Shame on you.

JustForThisOne · 09/01/2011 23:40

Same here
not making excuses for this guy what so ever and Im sorry if it came out that way
OP asked a specific question in her last paragraph which made me assume she does want to stay in this relationship
If that is what she wants the way she is going about it feels rather odd, dangerous and soul-destroying

scallopsrgreat · 09/01/2011 23:41

OP you are not being over-sensitive. If you don't want to be touched he shouldn't be doing it. No-one has the right to touch you if it makes you feel uncomfortable regardless of the state of your marriage.

The OP is not being controlling. She is trying to sort out her marriage. He is the one being controlling. He is being abusive. He knows the OP doesn't want him at this stage to touch her sexually yet carries on doing it.

She has set boundaries yet he is trying to get round them with unsubstantiated promises.

Counselling will not work for him. He is abusive and clearly has no interest in addressing that.

Some people do withhold sex as a form of control. The OP is not one of them. She doesn't want to have sex with him because of the way he has treated her.

Cannot really believe that people are advocating she sleep with him when she doesn't want to! When he is being a shit and making no effort.

OP read Lundy Bancroft. Stop any joint counselling. If you feel the need perhaps have counselling just for yourself. But tbh you would probably feel better getting rid of him.

Original poster

picknmix100 · 09/01/2011 23:43

Your posts have really made me think. I agree that the relationship needs to head 1 way or the other. I think in my mind it is over as I cannot return emotionally to where we were. He was severely emotionally abusive, controlling and manipulative - confirmed by WA, Nat DV helpline and local DV service. It was hard for me to recognise because it was so covert. Now he is on anti-d's, has recently increased his dose and is threatening to kill himself. His job is going badly too due to his behaviour and effort he puts in. I don't want to add any more to this.

I am really not punishing him. I feel sorry for him more than anything and sad that things have ended up like this. I am not withholding sex. We rarely did it anyway before this came to a head. I think he was too busy all day on the PC looking at porn to be interested in me. He used to withhold sex to punish me and then used to call me frigid. He often did this when we were sexually active. I always knew when he wanted sex when he would start to flick through the porn channels on TV in front of me.

He was rarely affectionate after we got married but still liked sex for quite a few years. Then that stopped too.

I really don't think I made it obvious to DS that I didn't like DH pushing groin into me. It was a very obvious move. DS saw it and commented on it to me afterwards. Even in a happy married relationship that move would be too obviously sexual in front of a child I feel..

OP posts:

Heroine · 09/01/2011 23:45

I'm sorry saying that the only rules in the house are about what I want and you have to guess and second guess how long that's for and when they are relaxed is INCREDIBLY controlling.

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/01/2011 23:46

This is just another example of his emotional abuse. He has found another way to abuse you.

JustForThisOne · 09/01/2011 23:49

right, this makes so much more sense
if you have already spoken to WA and the rest than you know already what you should be doing
You still feel you got to help him but you are not the person that can do so I fear...

scallopsrgreat · 09/01/2011 23:49

Heroine are you suggesting the OP is lying and he isn't emotionally abusive?

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