Inappropriate touching or am I over-sensitive?

[picknmix100]

I recognised that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship 2 years ago and addressed it with DH 18 months ago. This resulted in him moving into the spare room and doing various things to help him with his difficult behaviour. Although his behaviour has improved a bit, it's not enough for me to want to emotionally committ to him again or share a bed. The comments he makes and the half-hearted way he has committed to counselling makes me realise he doesn't really accept that he has been EA, he just thinks he is depressed and I am accusing him unjustly.

Recently he has started to really pressure me into moving back into the bedroom, stating that it is embarrassing if people know and damaging the kids that we have separate rooms and blaimed me for his Dad not sleeping over Christmas night. He no longer respects the bedroom as my space and keeps coming in at night.

Alongside this he has started to touch me an awful lot. He keeps patting my bum and adjusting my clothing around that area, uninvited. He does this when I am doing something where it is hard to move away. He often stands in such a place that I have to squeeze past him. He did this on holiday and pushed his groin into me as I squeezed past. My DS noticed and was revolted.

Yesterday he deliberately brushed his hand past my top. I always move away when he does this type of touching. He knows I don't like it by my body language. I have told him I do not want him back in the bedroom as I do not feel things are sufficiently changed. This is happening in a relationship where we are not intimate anymore and he knows how I feel. I feel this touching is not right.

I know I will get blasted by MNs for still being in house with him but we have had very unusual circumstances this last 18 months death, illness, redundancy etc and the time has not been right.

I just want to know if he is behaving inapproriately given the circumstances or if he is just a normal husband frustrated at the situation. I made it clear I was not happy earlier when he touched me and he said its just that he finds me very attractive at the moment. He is now not talking to me. He's also started to make sexual references about me. Perhaps he thinks it will help get our relationship back on track.

Thank you for all your support last week. I ended up really busy at work the last few days. I tried to contact DV support but no luck. Hope they haven't been axed to save money. Will try again on Monday.

DH upset me today and, again, he would say I can't take a joke. It was a simple little incident as we were in the car (no DC).

I was unwell over xmas - ladies troubles and lost a lot of blood. Found out today I am really very anaemic. I'm used to getting this condition but never this bad. DH had known I had a bad problem over xmas as I struggled to go out and needed to call a Dr. I told him one day I'd had a terrible night and he has never asked since how I am.

Today I told him how anaemic I am and said I was a bit worried with swine flu going round and if I might be more prone to bad infection. He said, "You might die from swine flu". I said hesitantly "nice...". He then said "Oh we'd be fine without you, me and the boys". I was so shocked I said no more. If I challenged him, I would not be able to take a joke, but I didn't see him laughing. Is this plain nasty or do I have no sense of humour. Would other H's react the same or might they show some concern that I was unwell? I find this behaviour so underhand, because he can so easily turn round a say he didn't mean it and was joking. He has not mentioned it since or shown any concern.

Later today he threatened to leave cos the house is a mess and he could find his special socks. I'd spent all morning tidying on my only day off, before starting to work again this afternoon, and his room is in a state. Ahhh!

Thanks for posting back picknmix... I was wondering how you were getting on.

I think you should focus on getting yourself well. You can sort out what your relationship is with your H when you're fully fit. I wouldn't be happy for mine to speak to me the way that yours speaks to you. It sounds 'jokey' but it isn't, it's nasty and 'meant' as well.

Keep on trying to get the support from DV, you need it. Good luck.

Thanks Ly - I'd better get some sleep.

Trust your instincts on this one; it is plain nasty. The hurtful "jokes" is classic behaviour, and so is turning it around on you, saying you have no sense of humour if you challenge him. Leaves you feeling you can't challenge him, whilst you both know he's just hurt you. This is a horrible way to treat someone.

Hope you're feeling better physically - are you taking iron? Being anaemic will be making you feel really tired and less able to cope with this creep.

Oh, and bin the rest of his socks and see if you can't get him to leave ;)

Yes, I am on iron, Was re-tested Friday so will see how much it has improved. I have felt very washed out and want to sleep a lot but too busy at work. I spent all Xmas sleeping just about. I'm working evenings and weekends for the next few weeks to get stuff cleared - this is normal at this time of year in my job. So I don't feel I have the strength to challenge him at the moment.

I got annoyed with him yesterday and ended up throwing a slice of bread at him! I have never done this before but he just pressed the wrong button. It happened because on Friday I was putting out all the bins and recycling. He likes to give stale bread to the birds and there was a bag of stale bread sitting around for 2 days. It was very out-of-date so I decided it was time to bin it as he often just leaves stale food sitting around in the kitchen meaning to give it to the birds but never does. On Saturday in front of DS1 he stood at the back door asking me to hand him a carrier bag and the bread. i got the bag and picked up some old bread to give him. He asked where the other pack was. I explained v. stale so binned friday. He said "You should not have binned the bread. I told you not to do it. You should not have done it. Go into the bin and get it out." i said I wasn;t going to, binned days ago. He repeated the order again aggressively. i said no and half threw (not at all hard)the other slide of bread at him. I felt so humiliated being ordered infornt of DS to go into the bin. He didn;t talk to me for the rest of the day and wouldn't have any tea. DS1 saw and DS2 heard. Both later commented on me being told to go into the bin.

He mentioned it today and said he didn;t realise it was in the main dustbin. I said not the point. He told me off and ordered me around in front of DS and DS will think that is way to treat your wife. He said he hadn;t realised how he was coming across. He says he needs to learn how to change behaviour after years of being this way and he needs me to help. He said our kids are palying up because we live in a dysfunctional family cos he doesn;t sleep in the same room as me and that causes family problems. I pointed out that it is normal now for them and his yelling and criticising and arguing is more likely to cause problems.
He said would be a lot better if slept in same room. I said he makes a big issue of it and other problems need solving over that. The room is my haven away from his behaviour.

So we've moved a bit but not resolved.

I have been away for a couple of days, and I am confused to revisit your thread and see your posts detailing further shitty interactions between you (at length)

now I see that you are using MN to vent...but why why why are you continuing to engage with this man?

all this "he said, I said" stuff

really why

just stop engaging with him

you will never "resolve" anything...he will block it at every move

the only thing you need to "resolve" is that you are moving forwards in getting this fuckwit out of your life

everything else is just bullshit

and you are playing along with it

why ?

This marriage is over isn't it? What is he still doing there? Why are you still engaging with his bollocks?

For your own health and sanity, end this awful situation and start to move on.

AF - I'm trying to get clarification that he is a Fuckwit and it's not me being intolerant of normal marital behaviour. MN is a neutral place to get reactions from very good advice givers. The marriage is broken and the next step will be hard on me and DS's and I want to make sure I do the right thing. Lots will change and we will definitely have to move home. I know what is right to do, I'm just double checking. I have a cautious nature I guess - probably why I didn't leave a year ago.

I get that

but how much "clarification" do you need?

trust yourself

relying on strangers to validate your feelings is all well and good (and kudos to you for listening)

but at some point, all these little "incidents" are going to have to persuade you that there is no going back

or you will still be here in another year's time asking "does this sound ok to you?"

OP, everything you have told us in this thread confirms your own suspicions: i.e. that he is a massive cockend and will never, ever change.

Leave. Leave now, with our blessing and yours.

Look, everything he says is selfish, abusive bullshit. There is no relationship to save, you need to work on getting him out of the house (before he does something awful to you).

Clarification from 3 respected MN''s. Being like this in another year is unthinkable. It's down to me now.

yes, it is

you have to believe you are strong enough

find your anger, and your resolve

we all have it...yours has been suppressed by making damaging bargains with yourself to keep the status quo

that is exacly what he wants

don't give him what he wants, unless you want it too

and you don't, do you ?

AF - blunt but true. I need blunt. I have spent many years dissatisfied with the relationship but happy with everything else in life - great DC, great friends & family, finally comfortable lifestyle etc. So I've pushed the relationship issues to 1 side and put up with the treatment, accepting that bit wasn't good in life and built the rest of my life despite him. I've had to assert myself lots as he hasn't liked me developing a life outside. But I can't live life like this in terrible marriage. I'll need to plan a bit in case he flips. I think he will leave but can't be sure.

I was angry but for some reason the anger went a while ago and now I'm just sad.

gawd, what a waste

don't waste any more time

you have a right for all parts of your life to be how you want it

stop accepting second best in your relationship

a relationship should complement everything else, not drag it down

yes, have a plan and follow through

and sop giving him ammunition by geting dragged in to ridiculously-inconsequential petty dramas

your drama is over...maybe his has more to play

but you don't have to participate in it

detach, and do it properly

Thanks Just. That sounds very simple and nice. That is never the reaction I get.

To update, I've booked to see a local DV adviser next week. She's going to help me talk through next steps. I've been working my way through the Patricia Evans book too. It's very helpful but has a focus on changing the abusive P through your responses but I think I am way beyond bothering with that - been there and it hasn;t worked.

Hi pick, i'm really glad you are seeing a DV advisor, there is help out there, i have found that out.

i'm glad you are seeing sense regarding trying to change your H, as it wont work, well it didnt with mine, and as we have already said our H's are so simular, and like you said, you have already been there and tried.

Kepp us upto date with how things go ok.

Hugs

Pick think you're married to the twin of my exH.
There are just so many similarities I could be here all night.
And you sound like I did just over a year ago.
I could see the wrongness of what was happening, mostly resisted it and, like you, the rest of my life was pretty good which helped me to keep going.
But also like you I dithered about leaving, always trying to think about what I could do to make it work.
I think I wasn't so ground down I couldn't see it was wrong but my self-esteem and confidence had become too low to be sure I could make the move.
BUT I'm posting to say here I am a year on and life's so much better. Most of the things I'd worried about didn't materialise and the biggest surprise is how much better I felt almost literally the minute I was out of there and how much easier it is to cope myself than I thought it would be.
So my advice is stop worrying about whether it's the right thing to go (it definitely is) - just plan and do it.
As soon as you've gone and got a bit of distance you will wonder (and regret) that it took you so long.
Deep down you know this is what you've got to do and that your H will not change. Sad but that's how it is.
It has to get a little bit worse before it gets a whole lot better.
You have to be brave now and put your DCs first and get them out of this damaging situation. You CAN do it.

He could be my mother's son or twin - I'm with AF/SGB etc on this all the way.

Fwiw, I'm an adult survivor of child abuse, and his behaviour has horrible echoes for me of my dm's narcissistic, twisted 'divide and rule' inappropriate sexual behaviour both in front of and towards children, including me btw.

Can't really add any more, it's just too boak, only please, please listen to af etc.