Inappropriate touching or am I over-sensitive?

[picknmix100]

I recognised that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship 2 years ago and addressed it with DH 18 months ago. This resulted in him moving into the spare room and doing various things to help him with his difficult behaviour. Although his behaviour has improved a bit, it's not enough for me to want to emotionally committ to him again or share a bed. The comments he makes and the half-hearted way he has committed to counselling makes me realise he doesn't really accept that he has been EA, he just thinks he is depressed and I am accusing him unjustly.

Recently he has started to really pressure me into moving back into the bedroom, stating that it is embarrassing if people know and damaging the kids that we have separate rooms and blaimed me for his Dad not sleeping over Christmas night. He no longer respects the bedroom as my space and keeps coming in at night.

Alongside this he has started to touch me an awful lot. He keeps patting my bum and adjusting my clothing around that area, uninvited. He does this when I am doing something where it is hard to move away. He often stands in such a place that I have to squeeze past him. He did this on holiday and pushed his groin into me as I squeezed past. My DS noticed and was revolted.

Yesterday he deliberately brushed his hand past my top. I always move away when he does this type of touching. He knows I don't like it by my body language. I have told him I do not want him back in the bedroom as I do not feel things are sufficiently changed. This is happening in a relationship where we are not intimate anymore and he knows how I feel. I feel this touching is not right.

I know I will get blasted by MNs for still being in house with him but we have had very unusual circumstances this last 18 months death, illness, redundancy etc and the time has not been right.

I just want to know if he is behaving inapproriately given the circumstances or if he is just a normal husband frustrated at the situation. I made it clear I was not happy earlier when he touched me and he said its just that he finds me very attractive at the moment. He is now not talking to me. He's also started to make sexual references about me. Perhaps he thinks it will help get our relationship back on track.

I posted earlier but it hasn't appeared. Thanks for offer of book Pink. A friend has picked it up for me in town today. The on-line link is very interesting, particularly conditioning and covert EA bits.

AF - yes there is other stuff. Best not to list it all, as there is quite a bit. He goes through phases of different tactics, as I mentioned earlier. The previous behaviour never fully goes but a new one becomes stronger. He also fixes on 1 person for a while and the others in the house are in favour as the one out of favour is picked on. My DS pointed that out recently.

Other times he can be fairly normal and he likes to do things for the family, which is nice. He's just been with me in car doing school run, chatting away quite normally. I only got told off twice. Once for being "defensive" when he said the phone bill is high and I have to stop making calls from home when I'm working. I just pointed out that I don't use the phone when I'm working from home - I email, so we need to look at other causes. Also for making a comment in the conversation that was, according to him, irrelevant. It wasn't at all irrelevant - he just hadn't made the link between DS drinking a lot of water every night at bedtime and now quite liking a drink of water - its a long story! BUt this sort of stuff all day is waring.

you don't have to put up with it though

change your life...get rid of the person who makes you feel like that

he can still be dc's father wihout you having to live with his vileness

No I don't see myself doing this in 5 years - sends a chill down my back. How do I work out what to do next?

go to see CAB re. financial help you are entitled to

speak to WA on the phone and ask their advice as to what to do...they will have seen this many, many times before

tell your family and friends the whole truth and get some support in RL

you can do this

I wonder what effect seeing his parent's strange relationship is having on your DS, OP. I think it has to end before any lasting damage is done to him.

You so need to get rid of this man. He is potentially dangerous and, look, I'm sorry to be blunt here but he may escalate to serious physical assault. Men like this often do. Your family are worried about this, by the sound of it, and so are the professional agencies you have consulted.
Talk to WOmen's Aid. It may be possible to have the man removed from the house and forbidden to return, with contact between him and DC taking place in a contact centre.
YOu are very very strong and emotionally pretty healthy not to have been seriously harmed by this shitbag already: now all you need is to find that little tiny bit of extra strength to get him out of your life. It can be done and there is loads of help and support out there.

Yes, I was thinking about this over xmas and I'm worried it has had an effect already. He is an anxious child and has had a few psychological problems, which hae has largley overcome with help. It could be related. He has a difficult relationship with DH and DS now speaks to DH like DH speaks to him sometimes. Except DS speaks to DH like this as a default position - like he has little time for him. With me and other people DS is very friendly. He can be OK with DH too but they do argue a lot. It is very hard to tell DS off. He takes offence at being told off very easily - I have to tread carefully if there is something I need to say to him. DH will not accept any critism.

DH is often critical and arguamentative with DS. I like DS to have lots of friends to play and for tea and the house is often full of kids (well 1 or 2 extra ones!) and sometimes my friends too. DH complains a lot about this to me and DS. He likes the house to himself and quiet. He often states that DS's place is at home - not at friends or at sleepovers. I always feel I am going against his wishes when I invite people around or help Ds arrange a good social life. We have a very spacious house - so lots of room for DH to find somewhere to go if he doesn't want to mix. Perhaps some might see this as me being controlling too, forcing DH to have people in the house against his wishes.!!:( But I've had enough of having to do everything his way and I want DS to grow up sociable and happy. He is very popular and friendly, although he can't cope with criticism or bullying of friends of any sort. takes it very to heart.

He is also not in the slightest bit interested in girls and thinks having a girlfriend is unpleasant. Not sure if this is still normal at 12. Most of his friends have "girlfriends" of sorts but not all.

Sorry - I've written an essay. you just got me think.

Bedroom door has a lock and I use it if DS is on a sleepover and DH is in a mood. I use it when dressing too.

Sorry SGB, I cross postted with you. My reply was to Hattie. There is a local DV service I have found online. I'll call them tomorrow from work. I'm so happy I work. It has helped keep me sane and grounded and able to look after me and DC. I have lots of lovely colleagues/friends but don't like to burden them at work.

Be strong - ring the agencies, tell friends, family - get all the help you can. You can do it.

Come on pick you can do this, be strong.

listen to AF and ChippingIn, they had so much advice for me, and they gave me the strength to tell more RL people, and get the help i needed.

Keep strong, big hugs to you :) xx

Thanks Pinkhair. I've been on the verge of doing it for a while now. I do need support, so I really value all the support on here. I have support in RL too but my family live too far away to help other than on the phone. DSis is ill with 2 small DC and DM and DD are too old. My BF listens but has her own troubles - she would do anything to have her XH back and feels I am better with a man regardless of treatment because its hard without one. I think she's doing brilliantly on her own but she can't see it and her upset about being alone has caused me to think twice. Other friends are good and would help if I asked but I won't burden them now until I make a move because they have their own lives to live.

I will struggle on my own logistically and will need DH to support with childcare/school runs as I work and DS goes to school miles away and there is no decent public transport for him to get home at night. I also have a younger DS who he picks up from school when I am working. This is a worry. What if he refuses to help or uses it as a tool to get residence?

I worry about 50/50 child residence because he works from home a lot and is available for childcare. I think it would not be good for DS's based on the arguments and restrictions DH places on them, especially DS1. I would not be there to support DC - a big worry. At 12 would he have some choice in where he lives? I think DS2 would want his main residence with me. DH has made comments in the past that suggest he sees DC firmly living with me if we split. I would be happy with that (with contact with DH arranged) but worry he may fight for residence. My family don't think he will but I just worry.

I hope you are OK today Pink, I can't see recent updates on your thread. x

I'm glad you have a lock on your bedroom door but does this man actually know that you are locking him out? Or has he (so far) not tried to come in when the door is locked?
TBH I would be a bit worried that he might simply remove the lock when you are out. He is that creepy and invasive, by the sound of it: he thinks you and the DC are objects that he owns and can do what he likes with.
The sooner you're rid of him, the better.

He knows I lock it when I get dressed. If he is near by, I don't lock it in front of him but go into the bathroom instead as he dislikes me locking it and makes sarcastic comments. It also feels rude to shut the door on him - daft tho that sounds. I'm glad the lock is there but I don't think it would hold out for long.

My DSis revently commented that she can't see him being overty violent but being very covertly violent - doing something a bit sneaky that hurt me rather than physically assalting me if that makes sense. But the lock is there just in case. I do worry about his mental state. He is on very hi dose anti-d's and says he sometimes feels he is going mad. Then other times he seems perfectly OK. Hmmm...

I know what I find creepy about DH but some of you have reacted quite strongly and it would be really helpfully to me if you could tell me what you really find disturbing about what I have written about his behaviour. I put up with it all the time but I need to know what others see in what I have said. I'm not wavering, I just need to see it in black and white.

Thank you Dittany. That helps. I think its the sneakiness that really gets me. He can be so underhand and difficult one minute and then act as if nothing happened later.

I sleep with a landline, mobile and house and car keys next to me ... and DS2.

Pick you asked for it in black and white and I totally agree with what dittany has said. I'm glad you sleep with the phone, keys, etc beside you but thats no way to live your life, you need to get out of there.

Please keep strong and see your husband for what HE really is.

if you have to live with locking doors against your husband, and sleep with key, phone etc plus child by your side that says it all

also, if someone in the work place was touching you inappropriately, accidentally-on-purpose brushing against you, adjusting your clothes in intimate areas, you could have him removed for sexual harassment

why is it different just because you are married to the harasser ?

Oh my goodness, this just becomes more frightening as the thread goes on.

Pick I understand that if you are living with a situation day to day then you can become desensitised to it, and things that would horrify others perhaps seem like less of a deal to you.

But please, really think about the fact that you have to lock your bedroom door against your husband and sleep with your phones and keys next to you.

What does this tell you about the level of safety that you enjoy in your own home? You know in your heart that this man is extremely dangerous, otherwise you would not be taking these precautions.

This situation is intolerable and you are frightened and in danger.

Please reach out for the real life support that you need. Women's Aid provide a completely confidential and non-judgemental service. And they can also help with all sorts of practical stuff like finding a decent and sympathetic solicitor who is experienced in dealing with cases of domestic abuse.

Time to get angry Pick. How dare he do this to you and your children.

He sounds vile. And dangerous. You need to screw up your courage and get away from him.

The touching is totally out of order.

I know why you have gotten his abuse confirmed by different DV agencies: he's been trying to make you think that your perception of events is wrong, so you don't trust yourself anymore.

But his behaviour is wrong.

His behaviour is wrong, you know that however the worst thing is that there are 2 children growing up in such a toxic nasty home.

I grew up with this and believe me it has damaged me, my brother and wrecked our
relationship with our parents.

Forgive me if this is too strong to take but you owe it to your children to get him or you and them out right now.

If you think that you are covering up the situation, think again, children know or feel everything.