Inappropriate touching or am I over-sensitive?

[picknmix100]

I recognised that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship 2 years ago and addressed it with DH 18 months ago. This resulted in him moving into the spare room and doing various things to help him with his difficult behaviour. Although his behaviour has improved a bit, it's not enough for me to want to emotionally committ to him again or share a bed. The comments he makes and the half-hearted way he has committed to counselling makes me realise he doesn't really accept that he has been EA, he just thinks he is depressed and I am accusing him unjustly.

Recently he has started to really pressure me into moving back into the bedroom, stating that it is embarrassing if people know and damaging the kids that we have separate rooms and blaimed me for his Dad not sleeping over Christmas night. He no longer respects the bedroom as my space and keeps coming in at night.

Alongside this he has started to touch me an awful lot. He keeps patting my bum and adjusting my clothing around that area, uninvited. He does this when I am doing something where it is hard to move away. He often stands in such a place that I have to squeeze past him. He did this on holiday and pushed his groin into me as I squeezed past. My DS noticed and was revolted.

Yesterday he deliberately brushed his hand past my top. I always move away when he does this type of touching. He knows I don't like it by my body language. I have told him I do not want him back in the bedroom as I do not feel things are sufficiently changed. This is happening in a relationship where we are not intimate anymore and he knows how I feel. I feel this touching is not right.

I know I will get blasted by MNs for still being in house with him but we have had very unusual circumstances this last 18 months death, illness, redundancy etc and the time has not been right.

I just want to know if he is behaving inapproriately given the circumstances or if he is just a normal husband frustrated at the situation. I made it clear I was not happy earlier when he touched me and he said its just that he finds me very attractive at the moment. He is now not talking to me. He's also started to make sexual references about me. Perhaps he thinks it will help get our relationship back on track.

Heroine - I can assure you he is not "being made to shuffle round the house like a whipped dog". He moves very freely and argumentatively around the house telling people what to do, who to see and even what to think and feel when he feels like it. He has told me I am not allowed in his bedroom and have observed that. He says I can't keep him out of the main bedroom as it is his. The bedroom is my sanctury from his difficult behaviour and I don't want to give it up.

I also can't understand why you see his witholding sex as punishement but yours as fine and dandy and he should just accept my 'boundaries'. The statement about how completelt covert his 'behaviour' was sounds too much to me like there was a picture of a controlling abusive man that you kept contacting advice services for in order to get 'evidence'

It sounds like the relationship is dead, but that you also like keeping him on a leash. Was your mother in complete control of the house when you were a kid?

you need to live in seperate places living like this is horrid for you all and your ds.

Heroine - as I say, I'm not witholding sex and I am not punishing him. It has not been part of the relationship for a long time and he hasn't said he wanted it or shown any interest for a long time. So there is no act of witholding. I will just say that the stance you have taken is "interesting". I come from a very easy-going family. There were serious control issues in his. I am supporting him to get the help he needs to adjust his behaviour or he is likely to alienate most people around him and lose his job. Sometimes I feel like his nurse, not his wife. It is hard to feel sexual under such circumstances but, other than the behaviour stated above, he has expressed no interest in sex with me for several years.

Heroine - you are on a wind-up aren't you!

OP isn't withholding sex. She doesn't want to sleep with someone who is not showing her love and respect. She doesn't have to sleep with him.

She isn't holding it over his head as you are suggesting.
He is the only one trying to manipulate the situation and is probably trying to keep her on a leash.
Promising her to behave as a decent human in return for sex. Yuk yuk yuk

why are you still living together?

Picknmix - ignore Heroine.

I really don't see much hope for the relationship. He doesn't want to change or doesn't see there is a problem.

I would really start planning to leave (or getting him to leave but that could be difficult)m. Did the WA give you any advice about leaving. If not, I would ask them.

Do you have any RL support? P3ents, siblings, friends. If so, get them on board.

That was supposed to be parents

Carrie - yes we are. Leaving is a big step and I don't know what he would do.

You are right to be wary of him. Speak to WA again though. They should be able to advise. I'm sorry I'm going to have to go to bed now. Will check in the morning.

Pick.. I don't know what he would do.

to hurt you or himself?

Scallops - thanks. I did suggest we split a year ago but he asked to stay and get help. Since little has happened and he struggles to accept his behaviour is difficult. He admits it occassionally in serious discussions but then makes flipant comments the rest of the time. We did a bit of joint counselling and I found opening up to him made him angry, which was difficult after the session.

I have family and friends support but there is only so much they can do to help. It was 2 separate family members that first suggested that I couldn't live with a man who behaved like this anymore.

We are still living together because I am too scared to make a move and he won't. Sometimes things push me closer to asking for a formal separation and the touching recently is having that effect.

Just - the threats so far have been to hurt himself. He can get very moody and has frightened me in these black moods but he has never hit me. He did talk about locking me in a room a few weeks ago. It was sort of a joke - we were wrapping DS's xmas presents and he had locked the door as DS had talked about coming in (he wouldn't have done & no need to lock door). DH said to me "now I have you locked in here I could keep you in here and not let you out". Think he was joking-ish but there may have been an undertone of - I won't let you get away. He said this again when the same situation happened later in the day. I usually get quite a few similar little comments throughout the day about our relationship.

I don't think he would hurt me but he would be very unpleasant. We couldn't live in the same house separated. I would be scared. He would not be civil.

i understand it can often be difficult to separate properly due to extraneous circumstances but surely you need to make this separation more formal, even if you do need to continue living together...

the inappropriate touching is a side issue because it's only inappropriate if you've separated (although it's never appropriate to make sexual moves on anyone in front of a child). you're sidestepping the MAIN ISSUE which is whether you want to be with this man or not.

what are you most scared of in regards to moving on from this relationship?

crossed post- so it's how he'd behave that scares you?

well, you can't control his behaviour or how he decides to take a final separation.

if you put some plans in place before making the separation formal (ie telling him it's OVER), it would minimise the damage...

an escape plan in a way.

Hi pick, i have just read your thread, and its sounds like you are going through excatly the same as what i have just gone through.

My H was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, and in the end he left as our DS is 6.
H was a very controlling man, he never slept in the same bed as me for the last tow years, he slept on the sofa, his choice, yet he still expected sex when ever he wanted it, but on the rare occasion that it happened, which soon stopped because i put a stop to it, was once he had had what he wanted, he used to just walk off down stairs, i used to feel like a positute, i was a wreck afterwards, so i can understand completely why you dont want to sleep with him.

I also think you need to see a solictor to see where you stand, as you maybe able to get H to leave and you and your DS stay living in the house.

Stay strong pick, i know it is hard, but you are a better person that your H will ever be.

Feel free to read my thread, it may help you somehow. its called 'What do i do'

I know for sure that all the advice i had on here as made such a diference to me and my life, this ladies on here are amazing. :o

You really need to get rid of this man. He is using his 'depression' as a weapon and basically telling you that unless you start letting him make use of your body sexually, something bad is going to happen. It's not at all surprising that you don't want to have sex with him: why would anyone want to have sex with someone who threatens them, sulks and mauls them at inappropriate moments?
Don't bother with couple-counselling: it doesn;t work when one partner is abusive, it just gives him more subtle ways to abuse you. Get some legal advice and get him out.
Best of luck.

what ph and sgb said

Oh thank goodness some more posters talking sense.

Can I just reiterate though that it doesn't matter whether you are in a relationship with someone or not it is never appropriate to touch them if they don't want it. And negative body language should suffice in getting that point across to an empathetic person.

Pick - hope you are OK this morning. As pink and SGB said, get advice and try and get him out - otherwise get you and your DC out. For your sake you need to draw a definite line in the sand.

He probably won't harm himself - he is probably just using that as a blackmailing tool (easy for me to say I know). But even if he does, remember you have the right to leave a relationship, he does not have the right to keep you in it. Anything he may or may not do to himself is of his own choosing.

...and scallops

H did this to me, when he said he was leaving, but because i was very pregnant he stayed here for a while until I left....but anyway, he would 'cuddle' me from behind to 'feel' the baby, touch me inbetween my legs when he thought i was asleep and barge in when i was getting dressed. I really didn't like it, and it contributed to why i went to my parent's house.

It's a horrible feeling. You have to be very firm that it's unacceptable.

If he says he's depressed or suicidal (again, another thing he has said to me) I gave him the doctors number, the samiritans number and told him its also acceptable to go to A&E if suicidal. I also told him he should talk to someone else about it - his mother maybe.

It's blackmail, an emotional way of keeping us involved. Seperate your brain from who he used to be (when you loved him), if you can, it helps.

Hi - I've done a lot of thinking since last night. I felt very bruised by one or two responses. Although one of then made me laugh out loud, despite the difficutly of my situation, because the thought of DH tiptoeing round the house like a whipped dog is laughable. I make no excuses for asserting myself and trying to get some control back after many years of being controlled. I also feel I had the right to take some time to make a decision on our relationship. A marriage, family and everything we have built up together is not something I can give up on lightly. I also want to protect my DC's from his behaviour and wake up to them every morning, not part time. I did't chose the way he treats me and often the DC and family and friends too.

What last night did highlight to me is that I have been taking too long to decide and leaving him in limbo, which is no longer fair. I accept that. I don't accept that I am now abusing. He still clearly wants to be with me - but so do most of the men described on this site - they want to stay in their relationships. 18 months has been long enough for him to seek the help to try to change and the changes he has made have been very superficial.

Pinkhair - I will go and read your thread now - thank you.

Yes, he wants to stay in the relationship, but that's not because he loves you. He wants his dinner cooked and his pants washed. He's not even that bothered about the sex, he's just getting his jollies from the fact that you cringe away from him.
Remember you have every right to end this unpleasant, unworkable relationship with an abusive knob. DOn't worry about him killing himself, men who threaten to do this purely to scare women into cleaning up after them or sucking their dicks are very very rarely considerate enough to actually drop dead.

Very nicely put Stuffing!

Do these men also try to get full custody? This is a major thing that keeps me here.

he won't get custody

he will tell you he that he will fight for cusody to browbeat you, but he won't go through with it

he doesn't want a child fulltime...that would cramp his style

he just wants to terrorise you, and at the moment he is succeeding

you should speak to Womens Aid