Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 11

[Teaandchristmascakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

[shocked]

Happy New Year hugs to all!

This life was crap in 2010 and will be even crappier in 2011! Unlike all you very optimistic and lovely ladies, I cannot see any way out of this hell hole.

Same as Citydoll

How do you know that its going to be worse?

Can only speak for myself; too depressed to find positivity anywhere.

Even though other dumplings say it gets easier it just doesn't feel like it.

I totally agree with you, WherecanIhide. I am also so depressed that I cannot find anything positive to think about at the moment. Even getting out of bed this morning to face 2011 was a real struggle and I used to be such a cheerful, bright "morning" person.

Isn't it amazing how the actions and words of one lying, cowardly hypocrite can completely destroy a person? If only such power could be harnessed and bottled, we could rule the world!

Happy New Year everyone! Lol at Worthing and karaoke Makedo!
Well, I went outside at midnight and sat on my garden bench looking at the stars. The bells of both little churches rang and then you could hear lots of cheers and Auld Lang Syne and then lots of paper lanterns floated through the night sky. It was kinda lovely actually, sitting there on my own, thinking about 2011 and all it may bring.
And dumplings, the thing is, this year is what we make it. It's up to us now. We can make it crap or we can make it full of as much positivity as possible. And that doesn't mean to say that there won't be wobbles or down times but the mood of this year really is in our hands. I'm going to work hard at making it a steady, peaceful year where I concentrate on the people who love me and on the people I love, not on those who don't. :)

where and city - the only way I can keep hope is because when I was 23 and watching my mum die I remember thinking that when she did I'd stop existing - turning to dust like the story of echo. She died and life went on and eventually it got better. Then when I was 32 and my dad died and my boyfriend of the time (later my husband - the one who has just left) dumped me on the day of the funeral - by post (didn't turn up and didn't contact me the week before)I survived that too.

I just think if I survived those two hideous experiences - without the unconditional love of my dd which I have now, I can survive this. I'm not saying the future doesn't terrify me - but I sort of think of it as my husband opening Pandora's box - and the last thing out of that was hope.

At the moment I feel like someone has vacuumed all the joy out of me but I know, from experience, I won't always feel like that and I really don't think you will either. And there will come a day when I can look at a picture of my dh and the 26yo and only feel pity for her (because she has no idea what she's taken on) and relief for myself.

Well said Makedo. I'll second that. :)

Blimey Makedo - what awful experiences you've had.

Paitence - how was the sound of music? Did your DCs go to sleep at any point? Hope so! x

where - they seem to come along once every ten years! Not a bad rate really

Lots of love Makedo - you are an inspiration to us all

In the words of the mother superior ,Climb every mountain,Ford everystream,Follow every rainbow til u find UR dream.

Citydoll, he's a silly little turd and turds don't have power.

You're giving him the power and when you feel a bit stronger you'll take it back ie rise up above him, look down and pity him for being such a wanker.

And by the way ....we DO rule the world.

Read Googoos post (10.49) 3 times in a row until some of it starts to rub off.

We have one life and this is it. Our best twat free lives are yet to come.

I was so in love, you wouldn't believe, but he stopped wanting me and it was a massive shock and took a lot of time and work to get through it, and everyday I'm still working at it, and it's hard... but it's worth the effort and it is doable (sp).

I married a twat and it's not my fault and it certainly did destroy my life for a couple of years but it's not going to destroy it for good. He's a shit and my life's worth much more than that.

Through circumstances I have lost my whole family through this and it's bloody hard.

Those of you with small DC, I really feel for you as you have to have contact with your twunts and look after little ones on your own which is the hardest thing in the whole world, but the better you do it the better you'll feel. Don't be supermum, just be there for your kids because they need their mums.

Most of all though, do stuff for yourselves, haircuts, councelling, new boots, time, etc. Whatever floats your boat. Put yourselves at the top of the list, along with the DC.

Stop eating xmas crap, start feeling better about yourselves and take the power back.

Yes we got dumped and it really really stinks and we feel broken but there is only one choice and that is to rise up and be amazing and strong and powerful and mend ourselves. Think....Incredible Hulk, remember him when his shirt buttens popped open and he raged. That's mentally how we need to be.

No more begging our husbands/partners to stay etc.

Off to make pancakes now for the first of my dirty stopouts who's just strolled back in.

I really feel for our kids, they've got all of this to come.

Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder...

Morning Pink - Happy New Year! Lucky dirty stopouts, eating mum's pancakes!
Went outside before and a taxi pulled up and 21 year old from next door staggered out of it, wretching lol. Really glad I drank diet coke and wathced paper lanterns!

Makedo - youve come out so strong after such tough times!

City and Where Can I. Sorry you are feeling so bad. I was in a very bad state for a while as I had so many losses going on -they overwhelmed me.

But I did come through. If you are depressed I think you should see your doctor. You should also consider counselling - it really helped me.Others on here have been helped by exploring their spiritual side. I was also helped by a positive routine in my life. I went to counselling one day, salsa class the next, phoned a friend at night the next. Then I started sport lessons one night and met some new people and that really helped. I tried singing in a choir one night too but actually didnt find that helped as it brought out the anger too much - singing does release emotion -but another friend of mine has found it really helps. You need to put things in , in the week that you love to do. If you do things you enjoy you will meet new people. Also I was lucky and was invited to several weekends with friends and relatives who took really good care of me. Could you do the same?

The strange thing I realised was that actually I did spend a lot of time away from H when I was with him as he worked long hours and was away a lot. SO actually the change is less than you think. But what you lose is what the counsellors call your secure base - I realised that is what he was for me - a secure base for everything. I have had to learn to be my own secure base. Its very hard. ( A bit irrelevant but I also have my own complications among which is that H wants to come back - but he isnt doing enough. And I have a special needs child who really needs the extra input from him.)

Depression is very serious so please reach out to people and tell them you are struggling.

Oooh crosss posted. good posts from Pink and Goo!

Happy new year pink !
I also think doing acts of kindness to others brings back happiness ,not important if they even recognise the kindness It's the giving part.ok huge part of my pro blem is not getting out at night ,not to go boozing just counselling,martial arts etc so off to text people with teenagers that might want to earn a buck .

I agree with mum fun ,most of us on here are professional DOOM FIGHTERS or at least we have a diploma, wallowing is good but if it overwhelms u def get some help ,find out what works for u we have loads of hills around us and I'm going to start climbing them.just wish I had someone to do handovers but that's on my to do list for this year.i don't feel positive all the time but I create positives in my life and see it more as a long term project .

wish i could ask friends teens to babysit but my ds2 is such hardwork at times,i dont even like leaving him with my mum,but may be with a more settled home life he will calm down.Never mind another 3 years and my oldest will be able to babysit.
can people please tell me how soon after their H left they started up contact with the dc,is it best to start straight away or leave it a week or 2 for kids to realise he is not coming back and not just at work,really dont get how i am going to have a reasonable conversation with him about contact.

Well PIL have just let to see DH and I have asked them to tell him to pack up my things and to let me know when he will be out so that I can collect them. I cant do this any longer and need to draw a line. FIL keeps saying its to soon and I should give him another couple of months, but that means another couple of months where im sat waiting for him to ask me back. I cant do that sorry, he cares about me that much he has let me go through xmas and new year on my own with dd (I think not!!)

He has told my MIL that he doesnt know what to do with the xmas present i gave him, hes opened it and said its nice but doesnt know whether to sell it and give me the money back or as its my birthday on the 10th he may buy me a present.!!! I really hope he doesnt as i`ll be reading signs into it.

Well just having a ramble cos feeling bad this morning, but am going to come through this and the more i detach the easier it will be. But i really dont want to detach and my heart wants to cling onto him and yet my brain says its for the best. Need hugs today and have changed my FB status to no longer married, getting supportive messages from friends. Keep thinking detach, detach!!! xx

Fairy - you will because you have to. XH left it over a week - cos he's a coward, has seen her once a week since for 10 mins to 3 hours depending on his excuses at the time. Keeps saying he wants more contact - I just said prove it - tell me when you want to see DD and we'll work it out. In terms of detaching can you arrange someone else to do handover? The less you see of them the better I say!

City and Where - if you cannot find a positive ANYWHERE in life I would suggest a trip to Dr too. Sounds like depression - a perfectly normal reaction to how we've all been treated. I know you odn't think it will get better - sometimes I don't- but it has to, you will just get used to it over time, that is your life now - harsh as it sounds you will deal with it cos you have to. I broke down the other day - saying i didn't want to go on - my Dad just said well you bloody have to for DD's sake. Take time when you need to wallow and don't be so hard on yourselves.

Make - Tell me about it - no decent men on a night out in worthing that's for sure!! Hearing of you heartache, losing both ur oarents brought back the memories of losing my mum at 21. Am now terrified something will happen to my Dad. I couldn't cope without him!!! How XH has treated you is despicable

Goo - thanks for update on your story - I am speeshless at the cheek and cruelty of barstard. You are gorgeous by the way. What you say is right about weight - happens to us all thin and fat. I am fat and have been loved/dumped/happy/sad - same as my slim friends.

at everyone

I agree with Patience about acts of kindness - it really does make you feel good. And in my job I see a lot of kids who are having terrible lives, I teach kids who are in a children's home and have suffered unimaginable things and then been rejected by foster parents and even adpotive parents. They've hardly lived and yet experienced the worst rejection and abuse from those who were meant to love them unconditionally. And I know it's a cliche but this really does put things in perspective for me.
Fairy - I started access striahgt away and told my two the truth straight away, always making sure to say that mummy and daddy both loved them and it was not their fault and that mum and dad had decided to be friends and that daddy would always look after us. And I bought a book called "My two homes" which my eldest (who was 4 at the time) enjoyed, as it made him see two houses as a positive thing, rather than a sign of a break up. My DS2 is also very hard work. My childminder can babysit for me but it coasts a lot of money and my mum doesn't want to do it so when I went to a choir last year I really enjoyed it but overall it cost a fortune so not sure what I'm going to do this year.
Patience - someone on another thread had a good website for babysitters. I'll try and find it for you...

Patience - if you scroll down this site there's one in glasgow or you can enter your county. Don't know how much it is though. There's another national ageny called Safehands which looks very reputable but expensive I'm afraid.