Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 11

[Teaandchristmascakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

[shocked]

Hello ladies, thanks for the birthday messages.

Today has been a strange day, starting to realise that i have been dumped by my dh, i did half expect a card from his when i got home from work, but nothing. Spoke to my FIL and told him how i am feeling, and he agrees that maybe dh is just not willing to tell his parents that its over and easier to say he doesnt know- i guess if he didnt know either way whether he wanted to be with me he would still send a happy birthday card???

Going to work my way through the bank account details and close off accounts etc- i would have liked to have spoken to him about things and remained civil, though it looks as if he doesnt want this. Am considering sending him an email asking for a divorce on grounds of his unreasonable behaviour, if he agrees to this am I right in thinking he will pay divorce costs? and it could be done fairly quickly? I dont really want to involve solicitors etc if i dont have too. There isnt a great deal of money in the house to be honest and would sooner cut my ties and move on- a small price to pay to keep my sanity and health. xx

Good 4 u crazee

Lol at UFC randy couture etc

Oh Crazee

My H said he couldn't decide for 5 months, I made the decision for him in the end, but our divorce took from April to December to go through and it was pretty straight forward case of adultery which he admitted to, although City and Goo had faster ones. But you can just see the solicitor and chat through things and not start the divorce rolling for now if it helps?

To hopefully lighten your spirit for a moment at this tricky time x

Thanks tea, i really miss my cat !!

Has he got your cat then?

yep both cats, the older dd, the house and possessions, hes done well out of this ...

Aw, Crazee. This hasn't been the best birthday ever but you wait til next year. Some of us (me included) are at rock bottom here. I've run out of adrenaline to see me through and the overwhelming sadness is like a physical pain BUT it's going to get better for us all. It absolutely has to.

Hi Romney,Happy and chums.

Tea, you are a saint. Our Lady of Tea and Cake .

LC It is a physical pain - but tears and working through the pain gets rid of the toxins and adrenaline that we build up in our bodies though the months and years of extreme stress, grief, heartbreak and strain.

It will get better. I promise you that, and while we are all on this crappy journey - we can all support eachother.

I hate that pain and heavy feeling in my heart, that seems to be there 99.9999% of the time. But! it used to be there 100% of the time, so I know I am recovering. And you are too.

I know Kate. I've had years of crap. Bereavements, financial shit, health issues to name but a few. I've run out of reserves and where Littlecritter used to tread fearlessly there she is in a heap. Nobody saw it coming.
Mind you, my eldest ds text me last week to ask if I was ok. That is unheard of. Im imagining you sitting in the kitchen on your own, Mum. Are you ok? He lives 160 miles away and yes was sitting in the kitchen, crying. He says he just sensed something was wrong.

LC my ex was a complete shit to my eldest dd (not his) horrible beyond compare - and in fact, although I seem strong, I should have left him when his behaviour towards her was so bad. I didn't to my shame - and I will always carry that guilt with me. I loved him so much and just thought that I had to to think about the younger girls as well.

But, she has been a tower of strengh, she's at uni, but she will text and ask if I'm OK, she knows I'm struggling for money - so she doesn't ask for any and she is a wonderful person. So despite the crap - I must have been doing something right. Just like you are - to have son and a relationship with him..that he knows that you are down and can support you.

Why do you say I'm a saint? I wish I was LC, plenty of stuff I could do better. But the ADs are helping

Awww I love hearing about the your older children LC and Kate. I really hope my two turn out ok.

Right busy day today, DD has her induction at nursery at the big school and I somehow have to keep my just turned 2 yr old quiet and behving in the hall for an hour for some sort of talk thing with loads of other new parents as well as DD, before she spends just an hour at nursery itself without us before we go back for her... Eeek! Then I somehow have to squeeze in a doctors appointment too which I booked before I realised about the whole induction thing

Tea, you just come across as so generous to everyone. Even those who have wronged you. Hope your busy morning has gone well.

Kate, within hours of xp leaving I apologised to my older dc's for all the years of crap they had gone through with him. He was never deliberately aggressive. It was all very sly. If he went to the shop (to buy beer) he would buy chocolate for me and ds but nothing for the older two. Twat. It's little things like that wear you down. If they had friends round he would ask me (not them) what time they were leaving. I was always the go-between. They never liked him. Now they hate him, although I think they see him as quite sad and pathetic. And they don't even know the full extent of what's happened.

Hello

LC how are you today ? Thats so lovely about your son every reference you make to your older dc is soo positive . XP bought you and ds chocolate but not the other dc ? I hope you have tampered with the brakes on your car... Seriously that snapshot of him speaks volumes to me - a man with an unpleasant controlling character . Might be better if they dont find out the full extent as they are likely to encounter him in the future via ds ? All the facing up to the bargaining away of his behaviour is painful at firts because you think "How did I allow these things to happen" . Soon enough you will go through that and just be relieved you are out of it and all the negatives will serve as rocket fuel to achieve detachment. Keep going LC do you realise you are doing so well ? When do you have to go back to work and whats happening with the counselling ? Even if you are feeling stronger dont be tempted to let it slide and think "Oh I dont need that now"

Tea hope induction goes well its such a lovely/emotional time when thye begin all these things

Waves to all dumplings and sending hugs and strength to all those at the beginning of this. Its the shittiest journey I have ever made by a long shot but conversely it has also brought about the best changes in my life in years

Saint or sucker? LOL

Agree with getting you've come a long way.

Well my GP appointment has just been cancelled as she's gone home sick and I'm just starting to pack ready to go and waiting for ex H to arrive so DD can have both of us there for her big day

Oooo they were selling hot cross buns in Sainsbo's half price, I'm such a sucker for them, even though Easter is months away. Om nom nom nom

hope everyone is ok,not seen makedoon for a while,if your lurking hope your ok.
Well had a crap few days,had suspected H had an OW in the couple of months befure he left but convinced me i was paranoid,then yesterday i was informed that it is well known at his work he is carrying on with this OW and has been for a while,cant face speaking to him but after several texts he has got as far as admitting he is with someone else but swears it didnt start till after he left,um must of been a hard 2 weeks for him ,left his family and got a new woman,dont believe him.I felt sick and angry yesterday,now i just fell so sad,was there anything i could of done to stop him,all the things her and him will be doing that he should be doing with blah blah blah but then i can relate to what lc and kate say about their H treatment of the dc and my H was like this too.
Put in my phone claim for income support which made me feel crap,have to take proof of several things down to job centre tomorrow to complete,so thats one of my many jobs done.
Cant remember who it was that was saying about going to the park and seeing dads and their kids,i managed to drag myself out on sunday taking the dc to cinema and that just seemed full of dads and dc,made me fell sad but then there does not seem much that does not make me sad at the moment.

Fairy, I feel for you. That moment of revelation is awful. BUT at least you now know you are not mad as he would have you believe. You have been 'gaslighted' like myself and so many others in this position. It is a form of abuse so you will feel incredibly shocked by this for a while. I hope you don't really believe him when he says it didn't start until after he left. He's talking bollocks.

Love and hugs x

Oh fairy he's following the script - same as my ex, he was denying it EVEN when she was admiting it to me!

They deny it - and when you ask why, they will look at you and softly say "because I didn't want to hurt you any more than you were hurting already"

This is where your Bullshit detector goes right off. They didn't tell you - because they were thinking of themselves, their cocks and trying to save the new lady in their life from getting any grief from the one he's left behind.

If these 'men' had one ounce of courage or compassion..they would sit and talk to us and explain that they have started to feel something for someone else...and we could have discussd it like 2 adults in a realtionship - decide together if its worth saving or not.

They don't do this. Because we do not figure in their thoughts...It is so much easier for them to start shagging the OW - just to make sure she's OK, not a Bunny Boiler and she WILL put out before they have finished with us.

FFS - they couldn't actually be the position of not getting their end away with either us or the OW for a few months could they?

Next will be the "I haven't loved you for years...but I didn't realise until miss new knickers came along"

ahh, so you didn't love us, but you let us carry on cooking, looking after the dc and you, keep shagging you (esp when your sex drive went through the roof because you were thinking about HER)...while you HEDGED your bets and made sure that the OW wanted you.

They are crap dungmonsters - every week on this thread we seem to have a new bloke. They are the same. They follow the script and NOTHING you could have done would have stopped him. They are dickwipes of the highest order.

When my very own dickwipe of 13 years did it to me, I was bereft...how could he do this to me and the dc? What did I do wrong?

Not any more - I have down days, really horible ones..but they come less and less and now I am starting to think...best thing he ever did, jumping on the first woman in his office who ever paid him any attention.

They fucking wind me up these guys who think a new shag is worth all the turmoil they put us and their dc through.

Kate will now step off her box, walk away and retain her dignity.

Kate - excellent post - ditto, ditto and ditto!

And we are the ones accused of being paranoid and stupid and petty when we start asking questions! And don't forget the "she was there for me in my darkest moments" and "you always put the family (DS) first but not me"!

You certainly have some new words which I have never heard of but which I will now remember to use!

Here here Kate,
Fairy so sorry this has happened. But if its any consolation I only started to heal once I found out some of what was going on and continued my divorce.until then I fell for the mixed up mlc bollocks.
No I know he is lying cheating scum that would do anything to keep his double life going ,chin up.

Make do hope he isn't being a bully
after the other night ,

Ggm how Ru ?
Can't see UR photos yet but should get broadband soon .

i would love to say 100% that i dont believe him but i cant,dont know why i cant,my mind taking over and trying to protehe little bit of sanity i have left maybe?
i just feel such a fool,barely holding it together ,why can i not just completley hate him?

that should read -protect the little sanity

IME u just can't believe them to be such bastards tbh and because u don't want UR relationship to be over.I was with my X 16yrs but he abused my love and trust.his double life started when I had second dc so 2 kids under the age of 2.he should have been there to work with me as a team instead he fucked off with his divorced pals to the pub.then slowly he has just detatched/opted out more and more .

Fairy, it's a shock. That's why you can't quite believe it. Your mind will only absorb so much information at a time to protect you from losing the plot completely. And you haven't lost the plot, I promise you.

Keep posting and take your time to absorb it little by little. We're all here to help you with this. x

christ i think i am going to throw up,this girl is at collage 18 ish,he is 36