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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 11

931 replies

Teaandchristmascakeplease · 29/12/2010 19:03

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

Smile Sad Angry [shocked]

OP posts:
molemesseskilledIpom · 09/01/2011 08:38

Can I join please?

Teaandcakeplease · 09/01/2011 08:42

Hello Ipom I think I've read your thread, of course you can join, all are welcome Smile

It's sometimes nice to give a little background or link your thread but feel free to rant on here x

molemesseskilledIpom · 09/01/2011 08:46

You want a bit of background?

OK. I'll post that in a while as the kids are hungry and I NEED caffine.

and oh boy has my life turned around. I cant wait to tell you all.

Teaandcakeplease · 09/01/2011 08:46
littlecritter · 09/01/2011 12:07

Ipom, I don't know your story but I'll try to catch up later.

Patience, hope you're out enjoying the winter sunshine with your doggy. I let wallace off the lead for the first time today and he loved playing with his new friends. Aren't dog walkers great?

Morning, Tea. Your dc's can sleep! What on earth do you do to them all day to get them to sleep like that Grin.

Grrr. Really feel I am ready to start detaching now. XP collected ds from DD's flat this morning but decided he needed the outdoor folding chair so could he collect it from house? And could he chat to me about something (which turned out to be totally trivial) and then he decided he didn't want the chair anyway. But we got into a conversation resulting in me offering to lend him my car tomorrow as he has a long drive and has neglected to get his car MOT'd.
So now I have to see him later to give him the car and see him tomorrow when he brings it back.
And now he wants to bring ds back to the house to watch the football. Why can't they go to his parents' house to do that?
This was not in the plan. He's not making it easy for me, is he? Boundaries, what boundaries? Confused

Anyway, DD and I are going out for a very posh curry for lunch. See you all later.

molemesseskilledIpom · 09/01/2011 12:25

Right then.

Now. Sit back with a coffee and I'll tell you all the story again and whats happened since.

7 months ago DH left. Told me he was working in Cornwall for a job that would have given us enough money to validate the visas we had for a move to Australia.

He called me up and told me all about this job and who he was working with and what the job was about. 2 days later he calles again and says he's in Australia and isnt coming back. All because I'd lost the engagement ring but told him I'd sold it to pay a couple of debts that were getting stressful. I know I shouldnt have lied but I felt at the time it would have releived a little pressure off him.

After loads of phone calls to almost everyone I know, no-one knew a thing. Not even his parents.

Now, cutting a long story short, he's done something like this before but not to this extent, before I met him. His parents had to sit me down the day after I found out and tell me all about him and his past.

2 weeks later I get a repossssion order and I had to be out of the house in 4 weeks as he hadnt been paying the mortgage. He's been taking the wages out that I have earnt and put them into a seperate account.

I managed to get that delayed while the local coucil were looking into buying the house.

I got back in contact with him and after he explained everything I was prepared to give it another go - but something wasnt sitting right with me.

He paid the migration agent for mine and the kids visas and was looking for a house for us all to live in so he was saying and doing all the right things.

The council are disputing something in the paperwork about the house so that is still on going, I've been paying the mortgage and over the amount on time on my own for the last 7 months. The bills are nearly all up to date and the debts are being delt with.

Now. As I said before, while I was planning to give it another go with DH something was still nagging at me, but I couldnt put my finger on it until 3 weeks ago.

I called him up and asked if there were any books or photos he wanted putting to one side as I was having a clear out. His response was No thanks, I bought all the important things with me when I left. He didnt even have any of the kids photos with him as I had to send them to him.

Then, a couple of days later he asked if I would be offended if he went to China for a holiday.

You will be glad to know a week later I ended it with him but apparently according to a mutal friend (that he says he hasnt spoken to) he doesnt understand why.

Now I'm here, on my own with the kids who are quite happy at the idea of staying here DS especially. I'm still dealing with the mortgage but I'm getting there, I'm starting a course on basic food hygine so I can get into the career I want and I am slowly getting back on my feet. I am also getting DS seen so we can find out once and for all what is wrong with him mentally as something isnt right and I can get on with my life, decorate the house, buy things, replace things, learnt to drive...there is soo much I can do now.

My life has been on hold for the past 4 years, living and breathing Australia, now such a weight has been lifted I havent stopped smiling. I'm still stressed, tired, worried and scared but I'm happy with it. The kids are happier too.

So...that's pretty much it. There is one more thing but I dont want to jinx it and he has his split to deal with. Grin

molemesseskilledIpom · 09/01/2011 12:27

Please excuse the spelling errors, I'm a little all over the place at the moment and ds is messing around so I'm half listening to what he's doing and half concentrating on this.

Teaandcakeplease · 09/01/2011 13:43

I have read your thread in the past, it is all coming back to me. It sounds like a hideous shocking situation to have been put in. It's amazing how much grace you had for him and wanting to work things out. You sound very strong considering everything, and you have come so far; sorting out your finances, bringing your DS peace and finding the strength to end it and move on. It'll be great to have you as part of our thread here.

Teaandcakeplease · 09/01/2011 14:03

LC - I read a book written by a children's sleep expert when I first had DD and looked at his 20 odd years of research, graphs etc and did what he said in it and it works. He's so right about what he says. The less sleep mine get the worse they sleep. DS still has a 2 hr nap in the day and then goes to bed at 6pm and sleeps. DD has dropped her nap now she's 3 but she also goes to bed at 6pm and sleeps through. Sometimes they both wake and chatter for a short while and if they're poorly they may struggle but I couldn't cope without them sleeping well. It was my biggest fear when they were babies, that they'd be bad sleepers, so I worked hard to ensure they weren't. Their behaviour is terrible if they're overtired too. Massive tantrums. Sorry that was an essay Blush

Maybe it is luck, maybe it's just my kids and not the book, who knows, it just worked for me Smile

molemesseskilledIpom · 09/01/2011 15:20

Thanks tea and cake.

I hope, if anything, I can help someone out with this experience.

sjm123 · 09/01/2011 15:31

Hello can I join in here?

I split with ex at the end of November. I kicked him out actually, but after he got violent and ruined everything I thought we had, so I feel like I've been dumped iyswim.

I already suffer from depression, and am just feeling like I'll never get over this and never move on. I'm stuck in an area where I know only his friends and family, and none of them talk to me now because of his badmouthing me and talking rubbish which doesn't help at all. Last week he was spouting loads of nonsense about wanting to get back together once I'm "well" which has put me back quite a bit and really pissed me off tbh. I don't want him back, especially not later on once I've dealt with all the hard stuff, got us rehoused, sorted finances and done it all on my own! Arrogant knobhead Angry

Anyway, sorry for the rant. Just wanted to say hi :)

molemesseskilledIpom · 09/01/2011 15:37

Hi SJM.

Rant away. It's kind of weird isnt it? but the feeling you get once you know you are on your way to sorting things out is so liberating.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 09/01/2011 15:48

Lc why do u need to lend him UR car.after the horrific things he has done I wouldn't give him his fucking bus fare x

sjm123 · 09/01/2011 15:48

Well, I've made all the applications so in theory it should all be sorted out soon. I get esa as I'm not working, tax credits are dragging their heels and it's so far taken them 5 weeks to sort the child tax credit since the claim went from joint to single so we're struggling a bit. It's not easy to feed an adult and 2 kids (one a 12 year old boy) on £55 a week but I'm (just about) managing it.

I need to get us moved out of this place and get myself back into work asap too. I think both of these things would be really helpful for me and the kids.

I'd love to be able to stick to fingers up and say "see, we don't need you", but it's hard when I do rely on him feeding the kids dinner 3 times a week to make the cash stretch.

Well, at least I can say I'm getting on with it. He's gone back to living with mummy and having her do all his cooking, washing etc. just like he did before he moved in with us.

Ooh, I do sound horrible there Blush. I'm not really, just having a pissed off day today. He's off out with my kids having a posh meal with his dad and I'm stuck here drinking a million cups of tea to try and stave off hunger a bit cos all I can really afford to eat today is beans on toast a bit later on :(

Patienceobtainsallthings · 09/01/2011 15:56

Ps dog walking up a hill in the snow just now

Patienceobtainsallthings · 09/01/2011 16:01

U need to eat sjm go to the place u made UR claim and apply for a crisis loan til tc s come thru UR tc s will be back dated anyway x

Teaandcakeplease · 09/01/2011 16:29

Patience is right get down there and get a crisis loan, there are also charity based food banks that give food parcels for free to needy people, this weblink:www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-11427207 by the bbc talks about the Trussel Trust and lists towns where they are based but there are lots of charities out there too that do the same thing. Where do you live?

crazeeladeeuk · 09/01/2011 17:08

Well girlies, I have just found out I have been married to a slimey toad. I had mail from 'my house' and when i opened it it was an invoice for a his n her gold necklace (i looked the reference number in the internet site) - heart that fitted into another heart with names engraved, not expensive priced £50!!!

He claims that my daughter bought it for a friend, my daughter is 16 and in college and does not work, where did she get £50 from and is it not excessive for a friend? When I quizzed her she suggest she did buy a friend a necklace but it was different to the one on the internet and she said to me 'where would i get £50 from?' Exactly ...

I have told him to pack my things up, he is a lying cheating toad, still denies it to both me and his parents- I am fuming ...
Give him his keys back to the house and am seriously considering contacting a solicitor- he is still telling his parents, even today he doesnt know if he wants me back, well I am sorry to burst his bubble...

I am sure that I am being reasonable- ladies????

Teaandcakeplease · 09/01/2011 17:34

Crazee my H didn't admit the affair was continuing for 5 months after separation and to even get him to admit that it wasn't a one off and was a permanent thing (long story) took time. He was a nightmare, he just wasn't honest and kept changing his story. Plenty of us on here have had to wait a long time for the truth (if at all). Smells highly suspect to me though. My H even lied to his parents for months too. I think he thought that would look better than the truth, but really it made him look like a wally and his parents still do not trust him even now, after all the nonsense and lies for so long.

I think you should get your stuff though for sure. Start divorce proceedings if you're sure you never want him back. It took me a while to finally do that but everyones situation is different and when they feel ready for that.

He does seem to be folllowing the usual script though, that's for sure, I'd snoop a bit more and find more incontovertible evidence, as I found it helpful to know for sure my suspicions were right. But that's just me.

crazeeladeeuk · 09/01/2011 17:38

Tea, older dd has told me hes not going out though, id hate to think it was someone from work- someone that i know as we work at the same place !!The mind boggles

Teaandcakeplease · 09/01/2011 17:46

Maybe, it happens alot and I see it a lot on mumsnet. It could just be in the early stages, unless he starts being honest with you though you cannot formulate any sort of story that makes sense.

crazeeladeeuk · 09/01/2011 18:03

Yes, great . Happy Birthday to me for tomorrow- welll her certainly has good timing, he ruined christmas , new year and now my birthday.

crazeeladeeuk · 09/01/2011 18:07

The annoying thing that takes the absolute piss is that he paid for this using our joint bank account ...

Teaandcakeplease · 09/01/2011 19:05

Don't take this the wrong way but in my opinion your birthday isn't ruined, it hasn't even begun and you were already separated. Tomorrow could be a great day. What do you have planned? Are you seeing friends? Don't let the b*stard get you down! Hold your head high, put some lippy on and high heels and stand tall lovely. You're a good woman and he doesn't deserve you Wink Make it a good one and be damned what he's up to. That's what I say. (But I know it's easy for me to say that standing on the outside.)

Mumfun · 09/01/2011 19:12

Crazee thats awful. He might just emotionally have fallen for someone - but he is an a*
Now I always want to spend my birthday with people that love me - so hope you can do that tomorrow. Have a party here in the evening if that helps

Ipom - welcome and hope it helps coming on here

SJm -welcome and hope you can get a loan sorted out pronto -you shouldnt be waiting just for beans and toast!

LC glad Wallace is getting you out and meeting lovely people -dog walkers do always seem such lovely people. Echo others and yes you shouldnt feel guilty for DS - not you who let him down and your story of a second mummy is lovely and hes so lucky to have her!

Maybeee glad you had a good time in Irelanbd and that everyone was so supportive!

Sov - glad you are back!

Fairy -sorry you are in the shitty time. I felt so bad for such a long time. The adrenalin was pumping. It was so so awful. You just have to do what you can to look after you and DCs , be kind to yourself, get all the support you can and get people who love you to care for you as they can. It slowly gets better- but its awful at first. It is good youve got a lovely little DD to cuddle up to - good to try to get her off to bed a little earlier as you do need a little me time

Hi to ,Kate,Goo, Tea and everyone else