Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 11

[Teaandchristmascakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

[shocked]

It's a gift ,imagine if u were still with him ,you'
d be in the kitchen peeling tomatoes

Lol lol can't believe I used to do that - I was so controlled.
Yeah, peeling tomatoes whilst being called a fckin c* and having to watch the darts. The joys of marriage!

Some of this has already been really helpful. I am still getting to know who is who on the thread, so apologies for not responding to everyone else's posts - I don't want to say the wrong thing at this early stage.

It's mostly reassuring to see that I am not the only person in the world in my position - it feels as if I am sometimes. I keep reading about how many marriages end in divorce, and wonder why I'm the only person I know (and why my children are the only children in their classes) in this position. It doesn't help anyone, but it does make me realise I'm not alone, and that the way I feel is normal.

I have really good days (today) and really bad days (yesterday). On the bad days, I can't understand why, four months in, I still feel so shocked by what has happened, and can't imagine ever being happy again. On the good days, I think that life isn't actually that bad. I spent a lovely day with dd today (my mum looked after ds) - we went out, had sushi for lunch, bought an aquarium for her birthday present (6 next week!) and went to a museum. We had so much fun and on the way home she said "Mummy, I didn't think I'd ever be happy again when Daddy went but today I do feel happy" which made me cry. I had an email from my Dad offering to pay off a chunk of the mortgage once the house is transferred to my name, which is an incredibly generous and really unexpected offer, and will make a huge difference (I know how lucky I am...).

The problem I have is I wasn't unhappy in my marriage, and I didn't know there were problems. So I am definitely grieving for the relationship I thought I had, while trying to get my head around the fact that it wasn't what I thought it was, and hadn't been for a long time. So there's no sense of liberation or relief, the way some of you describe - he clearly has turned out to be a very weak and immoral man, but when we were together he treated me well. Or at least, I thought so - I have had a lot of people tell me they don't think that was the case, so maybe I need to re-examine my expectations of what it looks like to be treated well.

Tomorrow, I've got lots of fun stuff planned while he has the children. I'm determined not to waste the child-free time I have - I need to see it as a positive thing, rather than sitting around pining for them. Would be really interested to know what other people do with their spare time.

LDT

Hi I just read your post. I know what you mean btw about wondering where the other 50% of the population are who split up - I wouldn't wish it on any of my friends but yes it's just me myself and I so far as far as my close friends go- odd isn't it ? Anyway I just wanted to say that I that you sound like you are doing really well for someone who is only 4 months in. I, like you wasn't unhappy in my marriage, can't join in with a lot of the 'he did this and he did that' comments as he didn't - and whilst not a saint he was a really lovely husband (hmm until the last year when the wheels fell off after OW turned up). It's difficult isn't it when you think ' Well I was happy - and then have to question everything - every lovely sunny happy day you had, every holiday, every dinner out, every row... was it all a lie ? Probably not but they would have you believe that. I think maybe you would be right to examine what it is to you to be treated well as a lot of reflection around that has thrown up quite a few issues (low self esteem etc) that means that I was 'happy' with some behaviours that some people I know would not consider acceptable and it all has to do with not feeling 'good enough and not feeling confident enough to put my foot down with things I didn't agree with.

Good for you you are already appreciating the child free time you have too.I see friends (generally ones without kids for obvious reasons), go swimming, get a manicure/eyebrow shape read the papers, cook (for freezer and just nice cakes etc) and boringly catch up on loads of housework and admin stuff that I never get a chance to do - funnily enough I actually enjoy the headspace I get when doing housework - oh dear am turning into my mum!

Waves to all. I had problems with my laptop for awhile & couldn't get online. Read a lot of the posts but still not fully up to date. Really great to read how well people are doing however & that those struggling are getting support. Will try to catch up properly soon but it's a mad house here with dc's still on holls! Anyway, court next week but I'm feeling v positive .

Cloudedview - thank you. You may be right about putting up with things others found unacceptable. A lot of what he did, while not unkind, was definitely selfish and meant I shouldered a lot of the burden in terms of the children etc.

You sound just like me...I will reassure myself that although I don't know anyone in RL in this position, I'm not completely alone!

Clouded and LDT, just wanted to say that I feel the same way. I thought my relationship was a happy one. I loved my H absolutely, and thought that he felt the same way about me. I am not ready to accept that a decade of my life was a lie.

I miss him.

Just want to say thanks to everyone who pulled me through yesterday. God it was awful. I know xp is bad for me, very bad so I have to detach. Had estate agents round today just for valuation purposes. It's overwhelming. This is it. I am officially a Single Parent (again). But I look at ds and think, yes, but I am a parent who never let my child down. I do not have to go to my grave thinking that I walked out on my child. That's xp's cross to bear.

Right, I shall try to catch up on everyone else now but I haven't slept or eaten properly for 2 days so don't wait up!

That's why I post on here,I have no one to talk to in RL and no one in a similar position,last week I just wrote out what I was feeling ,it helps loads. It doesn't matter if no one reads it or no one replies it just helped me to work stuff out ,means the kids have a happier mum ,I would say do whatever u want to do with child free time, just seriously put urself top of the list.

Firepile, I miss xp too. I still love him. But I don't like him and I have zero respect for him.

Clouded, we had some really happy times too, until he let OW into our lives. I refuse to accept that we were always unhappy. He just wasn't up to being a decent partner or a good father. He is not up to my standards, not the other way round.

LDT, I still feel huge disbelief and I'm coming up to 7 months. It will take a long time to sink in.

Patience, hope you're getting through this tough time. Hate to see you suffering like this but glad you found your purse.

Hi to everyone.

Clouded LDT fire

I thought I was with my soul mate - the love of my life and I was a bloody smug cow talking about men who went off with OW.

I kept a photo diary (like I do now) and I know that last feb he was buying me loving valentines gifts, that we went off and spent quality time away from the dc, holding hands and being loving and romantic. Sex was great and I let him have his time to do his hobbies as he said he stressed at work.

hmmmm - oh no, actually he's not loved me for years. but he didn't realise until the woman he gave a job to in his office attracted his eye.

They lie like fucking flat fish these 'men'

They re write history and leave us floundering.

They think about themselves and their cocks.

That's it.

I've had a great day today, got my girls here, got a glass of Rose, got men texting and emailing me...and I am starting to think that him shagging the girl at the desk opposite and letting me and the girls leave because he was too cowardly to admit it...was the best thing to happen to me.

"I thought I was with my soul mate - the love of my life and I was a bloody smug cow talking about men who went off with OW." Me too Kate me too. Loving your attitude lately though, pass some of that my way

I know a few people who divorced years ago and are now in their late 50's but all my friends in my age group who I'm close to, are all happily married. I do sometimes wonder how I would've got through this year without mumsnet. Badly I think...

Part of me still thinks that he's the one but he's not been that lovely person I fell in love with since he met her.

Now he's a cold manipulative bastard who doesn't give a shit about how he treats me (and I don't mean as a partner or mother of his dc...I mean as a fellow human being)

I enjoy being nice to him, and showing him that no matter how crap he is, how badly he treats me - I can rise above it. It just puts a massive spotlight on his behaviour.

I would not have got through it with out MN and this thread. I've pointed 2 other ladies in a similar situation and they've found it helpful as well.

It's nice to know you are not alone - it's also really strange to hear how these 'men' are the same and mostly following the same script. When I read OPs talking about what their man has said and done...and I recognise it...it makes me realise that I've not been some stupid bint, but these men lie and deceive all the time. To all of us.

I am being positive - and if you know my story, you know I've had crap days and really black days but I am emerging like a butterfly :)

Hear, hear Kate! I think the great thing about these threads is that there is so much shared experience - including the strikingly similar lies, and their rewriting of history.

Hi everyone. LC - glad you are feeling a bit better today and had support from this thread and all the lovely dumplings on it.
LDT - I've got child free day tomorrow - just going to do some work, have a relative lie in and a night of unbroken sleep. I'm settling into child free weekends on my own now. Just do what you want to. I spent all this previous year going to exbf's house and when we split in Nov I found it so hard to be on my own but it hasn't taken me long to enjoy the rest actually. Make sure you don't just do jobs. It's great to catch up with jobs but make a bit of time for a little treat, even if it's just going out for a coffee. And sometimes it's good to forward plan, so that you've arranged to do something with a friend on your "day off".
When I split with exh I was devastated but quickly felt relief because he had been so aggressive verbally. However, I know what you mean about splitting with someone you had a good relationship with. I had such a wonderful time with exbf and I really missed him and couldn't understand why we'd split, when he was so loving, we got on so well and the sex was great. It's also a particular type of torture when you realise that your perception of the relationship i.e. it was good and solid is different to your ex's i.e. it was over for a long time before he left. What has helped me get over exbf is that eventually I just thought "You're taking the piss out of me" and the little bit of self worth I did have made me think "No more" and I just got really angry. And every time I thought about lovely things we'd done or lovely things he's said (all of which were bullshit) I immediately made myself think of all the horrible things he'd done (like telling me he'd never loved anyone like me, then finishing with me 6 weeks later and going on a dating site saying he hadn't had a gf in 5 year ffs). And immediately this made me think "You're taking the piss mate. No more".
And Firepile - I've found it hugely supportive that so many of our exes followed a pattern. It wasn't our faults, they all have the same faults!!!!

Hi everyone haven't had time to read the board for a couple of days but will catch up later. Need to confess and cleanse pretty pissed off at myself.
Went out last night and had lovely time but a bit too much to drink . Got back to xh babysitting whoi had been putting photos on memory stick for me. one thing lead to another and we sshagged . Feel mixture of pissed off with myself, pissed off with him (I was drunk he was sober), quite pleased to remind myself what a shit selfish lover he is and sadness that he couldn't get out the door quick enough once it was over as he was so guilt-ridden at acheating on her! .
I'm a bloody idiot.really not even sure I'd want him back - I just want him to want me.

"I enjoy being nice to him, and showing him that no matter how crap he is, how badly he treats me - I can rise above it. It just puts a massive spotlight on his behaviour."

I really love your posts Kate, love that comment. Something for all of us to aspire to.

Googoo enjoy your child free day lovely x

Off swimming with ex H later, we haven't taken the kids for ages. Should be pleasant. It's quite weird to think that if the OW and him do move in together, although that's look less and less likely at the moment the whole dynamics of our co parenting relationship will need to change. With him living without her right now and his work shifts, things have been really good in the last year and the children have enjoyed seeing their daddy lots. It's funny thought how I do not remotely find him attractive anymore though, I feel nothing for him in that way anymore and do not miss living with him. I have no idea how that happened though. I think tbh uncovering all his lies and him telling me the whole truth well and truly put paid to that long ago. Any respect, attraction I had for him disappeared.

Just had a sales call, I said "hello" and he said in a foreign accent "am I speaking to the lady of the house?" I'm afraid I just hung up without saying anything

Oh Makedo my lovely, lots of us have been there and done that in the early days. It looks worse on him than you, as he was sober and was cheating on her. Have a good bath this morning, pamper yourself and stand proud. These things happen when your defences are down and you were with them for so many years.

Sorry for the lack of grammar and typos as usual in my previous post. I type too quickly and hit post. I keep telling myself I must stop doing that, but I keep forgetting.

make
I am so desparate for a shag - I feel like dragging my craphead ex in when he drops the kids off...and totally failing at being dignified and serene!!

It happens to the best of us - but remember he's having his cake and eating it. Just think to yourself. I did that for me. Not him.

Right, off the library and art gallery for craft session with my girls :)

Oh Kate I cannot wait until my two are bigger and we can do more stuff like that. With my just turned 2 year old boy being such a handful, it'll be a while yet before I can do stuff like that Enjoy your day x

Oh Make - I would absolutely have done what you did, in the circumstances. Turns out that I have been quite good at setting things up so that the opportunity doesn't arise. Your xh is an arse.

Am really missing intimacy, as well as sex. Most weeks, the only person who actually touches me is my ds. Am heartbroken that this could conceivably go on for years. Or even forever.

Hi ladies. Ok Make - go easy on yourself. Kate is right - you did it for you and really it just shows what a selfish arse he is - he cheated on you with her, now he's cheated on her with you! I think the term is he is an "opportunist" and tbh I don't think he really likes women - he certainly doesn't respect them. Mu exh is exactly the same. Don't beat yourself up about it - it was just something that happened and I'm sure you won't want to do it again.
Ladies - warning here. I also really really missed intimacy and so started looking for a bloke a year after exh left. Looking back this was far too soon. I had no resolved self worth issues and the two relationships I had ended up with me following the same patterns I had followed in my relationship with exh. I wasn't strong enough in myself to have a different sort of relationship with a different man, and so I ended up being heartbroken all over again - twice! Mind you, loking back I also think that I needed to go through those failed relationships to get to the point I am at now i.e. much stronger in myself and starting to build a strong relationship with myself. One of my friends said to me "These men can see vulnerable written on your forehead and they are exploiting that". She was right. So just take care. You don't need anymore heartbreak and if you're anything like me ladies, sex is linked to the heart and not something I can separate from a real relationship...

Make do my knickers fell to the floor on numerous occasions last year but all quickies and it creeps me out now how I believed his"I'm sorting myself out ,I'll be back" bollocks .anyway not had any since July.not had a drought like this since 1994 .Anyway I hope u had an orgasm
All part of the recovery but have u had sti tests done ,just a reminder to everyone to get a check up if their man is at it with Ow.

I don't miss sex at all. Obviously something wrong with me. Haven't even considered any other method of satusfying myself either

My only hugs are from my DCs too.

lol at orgasm comment! and knickers falling to floor! mine are welded on now...