Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 11

[Teaandchristmascakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

[shocked]

Rom

I doubt they will think they have made a mistake - my ex wanted to live like he did before we had kids, well OW doesn't have any, he's had the snip so they will get to play happy families every other weekend - so that will suit him down to the ground.

I try not think about if he will regret it, I know I couldn't work with him all day then go home and spend all night with him - so maybe she's made of better stuff than me!

I don't think he will regret it - I think he 'made up' enough reasons to not be with me and the girls...FFS I even got the "You're too good for me - you always have been" I was sobbing down the phone when he said that. But now I know

THE MAN SPEAK THE TRUTH!

Lol - for the first bleeding time!

God it is fucking depressing how similar they are!! Sorry but it is really getting me down tonight, they all trawl out their ishoos, we put up with it then THEY have the audacity to have affairs. The way I'm reading it, should've been us lot out have extra-maritals!! Lucky we're not selfish users too!!

Well done to goo, tea and kate too - I need some inspiration, some light on a dark day

Am off to bed - promise to be on better from for drinkies make

Don't worry goat we'll put the worlds to rights.

Night all x

all the worlds apparently

I was just needy and co dependent and he used that to manipulate me.Im fixing that now though ultimately its a gift ,when ur not content u need to do some ME work .Helps u understand ur behaviour patterns and life choices ,Well that's the plan .Just try not to beat urself up too much Lc u know ur great ,he was a total meaner to u ,u didnt deserve it ,its shite but u have escaped his cruelty now x ( me too )

Tonight was meant to be all about primary school applications but I just couldn't face it. Tomorrow is another day.

Getting great post from this morning.. was the first post I read this morning and I found it gave me the strength to start the day- thanks

LC - Rewriting... Yes my ex seems to genuinely think that 'WE split'. He even said to me that there were 'rumours' flying round his work that he had walked out on his wife, daughter and son and that his wife was devastated... TO ME? - yes the devastated wife! I was too speechless to point out that that was actually the truth and not a viscous rumour. Am not sure if they do it to make themselves sound/look better or whether hey actually do believe their own bullshit ? My ex actually seems to think that it was a mutual decision he is so deluded - it's just bizarre ?! The plus side I think is that the more ridiculous and far from the truth the story is the more we can reassure ourselves that they are bonkers ad that not much they say can be validated or trusted on any level...

Tea you sound really sorted (I know that it has undoubtably taken a lot to get there -I remember your first ever post so clearly) but you must have a degree of satisfaction re your ex's relationship turning sour. Whilst there is no way I could ever be with my H now I look forward to the day when his realtionship falls apart. On a good day I even think that is a new lady came into hid life all fresh, sweet and innocent who was nothing to do with our marriage breaking up I could handle that quite nicely - it's just her sticking around long term I struggle with - but as you say - the relationship started with lies which can hardly be a solid foundation .

Makedo No - I think that seems to be a common things amongst the twunt collective. None of them seem to think further that the end of their penis.. And actually I am finding that all responsibility for anything 'non fun' ends there too and it's handed back to me... so if he can't pick DD up on his day - there's no trying to sort it - it's just 'I can't do it sorry' and I have to work round it.. similarly 'I was going to ask you if I could pay less for a while as my outgoings exceed my income'.. errrr so no thought to who might find the money to pay your half of the mortgage then ? No just 'I can't pay' ... and it stops there

BOTG: How your counsellor described your relationship I think is similar to mine. Yes if you have esteem issues then it looks and feels like love but it's not a solid , functional , equal partnership is it ? I think we can get by one these relationships for quite a while and convince ourselves it's 'normal' whilst sweeping things like lack of respect, boundaries, emotional unavailability etc under the carpet but it's ony since he left that I see how dysfunctional ours was. Did you fall in love very quickly ? We did overnight - I felt like all my prayers had been answered and the day we were parted was the day one of us died.. How could real life ever live up to that ? (answer - it couldn't!) - Great book for you to maybe look 'co-dependent no more' - I think it's by Melody Beattie and it has really helped me see things more clearly. (sorry if am barking up the wrong tree - its just your post resonated with me)

Ok off to bed.Hope everyone gets a good night's sleep

thanks tea but this is grieving for my marriage not just feeling horny,I just think the stronger I get the closer I can get to acceptance but bloody painful .For me to move on I have to lose the feelings I have for my X once and for all ,not be the slightest bit interested in his life .

Sorry Patience I never meant it to sound like that was the only thing. I was responding to some posts further down from yesterday. I decided not to comment too much on your recent posts as I felt you were just writing how you felt and I couldn't think of anything to say to help. I always seem to put my foot in my mouth with you don't I?

No worries I'm just sad tea positive but grieving ,this too shall past,just think I'm starting to accept he has moved on,but the way I'm handling it and not letting go even although its over is showing the weaknesses in me not him,I need to go back and look at forgiveness to try and put all these things to rest.I just want to be able move on in peace and close this chapter of my life.Just will never believe he dumped me and the kids but that is what will help me see this clearer in the future.

Ok been writing about this all week and wanting to understand my feelings re X.
I think what I am mourning is the closeness u experience with a partner ,feeling his arms round me ,knowing that I won't ever feel that again ,when I met him I was 23 yo and carrying a lot of baggage ,his hugs took the pain away ,it was my inner child wanting the hug though (I think)and his hug was like a sticking plaster on a haemmorage.It slows down the pain but doesn't take away the source .I think I became addicted to a quick fix ,just going round in circles never truly finding love.once I had 2 kids he used to threaten me with leaving all the time,if I questioned his social life .That's not a life for anyone.Especially the kids.I think what I lost was a sense of perspective re wot was normal.he is that adamant he is doing nothing wrong .Anyway like I said b4 I just dont want his new world to bother me anymore.I will have healthier hugs in the future because I have done a lot of work on my self esteem ,I think it's just my ego / pride that wants him to show me affection .
For the first time I think I'm going to be able to do this .Actually break free completely and utterly x

He sounds so abusive. You're an amazing strong woman to have walked through all of this. My H was never like that, he was a wimp and a coward.

This is all about me now Tea ,I just have to accept wot is going on ie he wants s boys life not one of a family man .I always knew I had to just dry my eyes and get on with it but easier said than done.I think its olive branch time now.If I can forgive the cruel way he has treated me ,I will be free of this all consuming pain .
I think we will continue this tit for tat agression if I don't move on .I want to meet new people now but I dont want to bitch about my X anymore ,I want to be independent of him.
Just left a message on his phone re access on Sunday.he phoned back right away I was very polite he was very polite.It's all about the kids now ,I am going to try my very best keep this happy and fair,nothing to do with me having a marital relationship with him anymore. All to do with the kids having fun ,staying safe and me moving on to happier times x
Thankyou for everyones support ,just thought I was past all the tears but still this journey throws up some surprises.hugs to everyone ...... have lost my purse but tidied the house looking for it.

No one forced me to stay though tea. I chose to stay because I was addicted to this warped love.all about lack of self esteem and not knowing how to fix it .I just got more confident raised my boundaries and started to recognise unreasonable behaviour.It's just really sad ,we were both horrifically dysfunctional when we met ,we had a similar history but I grew up when I had kids and he chose to not to .I would never have been happy with him and the kids would just have repeated the same pattern living in a warped house.It's sad but if i can let go I feel I have a lovely life ahead x

Patience

Sorry the journey has thrown up sad stuff for you atm.

I really empathised with your statement that you were from similar backgrounds but you grew up. Exactly. And he chose not to.

And I would say you also learnt and read and did your best for your kids.

I would say to my H -do you want our DCs to copy what you and OW did - is that what they should do in their lives.Are you the male role model and OW the female role model for life.

It really shocked him.

Hope your H can in some way start to see the light. But it might take him to hit rock bottom to do so

Thanks mf ,what I thought today was even if he keeps blaming me for our split ,he must surely be missing my "enabling" and realise hoe.much work I did.I was ultimately Olympic standard I think that's why its such a relief initially when these guys go.I'm not looking for a guy to validate me anymore and that is a great feeling.I do feel I am amazing and on my bad days I embrace my weakness and go in search of answers,I guess I wasn't at a place to let him go b4 and the rejection was 2 much for me .Found my purse btw.
Just like the death of a loved one ,I want my marriage to rest in peace.
Not there yet but that is my aim for my children and my inner peace x

CV - some posts do resonate don't they? All you wrote was same for me. Sometimes feels like some of us were married to the same guy, such minor differences in the details.

patience [hugs] - you are doing this work, taking all these steps forward, doing so well. For me it's just lip service at the mo - i say 'we're better off without him' but I feel something so different. You are so right about the kids tho. If you had to choose DC or H it would be DC (almost?) every time. If mine and XH's relationship got any worse I fear that would've been the choice. Someone might have heard us screaming and called SS. Plus DD would be scarred by his behaviour, at least I am able to temper it now.

I'm still reaching out to him, need to stop. Hate this rollercoaster but wondering if it's an addiction. feeling the hurt of constant rejection might be better than facing up to the daily grind!?!

Patience I cant give you any help just to say I am thinking of you and I know you are such a strong lady usually, you will process your thoughts and sort yourself out again, I dont thing these men will ever realise the hurt they have caused and they really are not worth our time and distress.

BOTG - we will ride this rollercoaster and one day in the near future we will step off and realise we have made it, we might step back on for minor rides but one day we will never step back on again. I look forward to that day.

Carry on with your lip service, I am nearly 5 months on and still in a terrible mess but I look back on those first few weeks and remember how hard it was, it has got a little easier but its still sh*t.

Just got this tweet from @TheSingleWoman

and it seemed quite apt today

"If we were never sad..never uncomfortable..never tested..we would never be motivated to change."

Chin up ladies - we are strong and we can do it!

Just spoke to my nan (in her nineties) she said chin up pet LOL

Lovely thing about stripping down the bad bits is u get a strong foundation of good bits.Means u strengthen the core within and celebrate and enjoy the rest of UR life keeping UR heart and mind open .Need to stay in the day and keep the faith!

Patience - my heart goes out to you. I think that we were married to very similar men and got a lot of the same abuse. My exh also didn't grow up when we had kids. He just wanted to do whatever he wanted to do - which was usually going on benders with the lads. And he just expected me to have a full time job (which he said was easy), clean, cook and see to the kids and be allowed to constantly criticise me whilst I was doing it. And I know exactly what you mean about wanting some physical comfort - I think that's why I ended up having two dead end relationships and taking crumbs from men after my marriage, because I really wanted someone to be thinking of me and putting their arms around me. And you're so right - this was like putting a sticking plaster on a haemmorage (sp). What I really needed to do was fight the loneliness by enjoying the life I already had on my own, learning about myself and my behaviour patterns and appreciating those people who already loved me as a daughter and a friend. And I think I'm getting there now. Weirdly, I think the issues that have come to the fore since breaking up with exbf have finally let me lay my married self to rest. I'm single, I'm a single mum, I'm quite good at it, I have a good life. I'm not interested in unavailable men anymore.
I hope you are feeling stronger all the time. Much love - you have helped me so much on here I hope I can give you something back. We all have to strip away the crap and as you say build a foundation of the good bits. Your words always resonate with me.
Everyone else - hope you are bearing up today. Love to all x

this is what I've been doing. Not saying anyone else has but I found this really interesting. I'm not accepting "crumbs" anymore. I'm worth more than that!

Just working thru it ggm just want a clean slate,have a good weekend.
Really cleansing to type it all out x

It is cleansing love - typing has really helped me too and I still have wobbles - 3 year today since he left. And I've moved on enough not to be even a bit sad. Just happy that I can live my life on my own terms.