Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 11

[Teaandchristmascakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

[shocked]

ROM something someone said to me recently was if its not this 21yo it will be another.That really made me understand ,its not particularly the present Ow that's the problem ,he has spun her a story in the first place.I agree these woman arent exactly well balanced but if they want a bit of fun there is nothing we can do about it however shocking we think it is .It's free will .

Have been watching thread for a while now, and only posted a couple of times. Reading evryone's stories tells me that they are all "twunts" who would rather have a bit on the side than actually put any effort into their relationships. My XP decided, on meeting the OW, that our marriage wasn't good, and hand't been good for years. Never mind that he'd never had this conversation with me. He then proceeded to start his affair, and unfortunately for him I didn't believe that he suddenly wanted to socialize with his work colleagues, or that he suddenly wanted to go for long bike rides in the dark a few nights a week. I challenged him, and apparently it was all in my head, he was just doing things for him! I'll say. Unfortunately for him, I discovered a dodgy text on his phone and asked him to leave as the evidence was all there. That was in october. He moved out, and over the last few weeks has come ton see children - not really interating with them, more watching. Them play games or TV. On Xmas day, he gave them 1/2 an hour of his time as he was going out with OW. So, what did he do? Sat and watched dr who with them- not exactly father of the year. He won't give me any reason for having the affair, just that it's all my fault! As things were wrong in the marriage it was quite ok he had affair. I am to blame for everything that is wrong in his life! Forgetting conventientky how I do/did all the childcare, he never cooked a meal, loaded the dishwasher, did his own washing, left food out on the counter all day. They are all the same! He now thinks life is wonderful, that the DC's are ok (9 year old sleeping in my bed still), and that he bears no responsibility for what has happened. I am so mad, but I can't tell him in front of the DC's as he will yell shout and swear at me in front of them, and they really don't need that. I have just started a new job and am really struggling cause I think I'll be rubbish at it as I was in my marriage. I just don'tkniw what to do! Ok rant over, thanks for reading x

Well it wasn't you Bermie, they re-write history often. I do think reading some good self help books may be enriching at this time, this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1083006-All-New-Road-to-Recovery-for-the-Recently-Ditched-Book-Club has some good suggestions on it.

Also counseling, I thoroughly thoroughly recommend too, having done it. Or a divorce and separation recovery course of some form is great too. Those are all what helped me move forward more than anything else and posting on here.

I'm attempting to cook dinner but wanted to reply to your post. Believe me you're not the failure, he is and he has opted out of his relationship with his kids too. They try not to look too hard at the impact of what they've done often, as then they have to face up to how wrong and selfish it is.

Sorry about the advert at the beginning. We'll all come out of this stronger and the better person, they won't...

lc-my H said the same to me a couple of days after he left "well you wanted it ,you told me to go" er no,that did not happen,god knows what he is telling everyone else,but i cant change that so try not to think about it,i know the truth.
Things are ok with me ,sorted things out at work am now unemployed as of tomorrow,so i need to get on and claim benefits but if i want to go back within the next 3 years and they have jobs i can and will still get my same entitlements as links on to my last employment period so that was a good point.
Am trying to just not think of H and this awfull situation i am in because when i do ifeel i could quite easily crack,i just think about the day i am in and what needs doing etc this is easy at the moment as he is not seeing dc ,am sure when i have to face him again it will feel like it has all just happened but by then i may be a tiny bit stronger.

Bermie he is just another sleazy lying cheat IT IS NOT UR FAULT silly wee boys with no responsibilities .

Cv been thinking of u all day hope UR wee one is settling ,remembered u had a great counsellor hope u can keep up the visits ,can u get any free time at all ?

fairy - you are sounding so strong, well done. I really admire your strength and I totally agree with you about not being able to change things so not to think about them, I wish I could do that, maybe I will be able to start trying to train my brain.

LC - I was thinking about what you said today about not wanting to go back to work, I felt like this I didnt want to face work but I think in the end I knew if I left it much longer I would never want to go back. How long have you been signed off for and is there anyway work could put you on light duties for a few hours a week just to get you back in the workforce. I must admit I actually look forward to going to work at the moment as I actually dont think about my worries all the time.

I had to deal with a customer on monday at work and googled his name when he had gone and he had had both legs blown off in Afghanistan and has had 21 operations since July. He is an amazing man and it just made me think that one day I will move forward with my life and hopefully get over this awful period in my life, but he will have to live with his disability for the rest of his life and probably PTS. Makes me feel awful that I am wallowing in my pity and he is being so strong. Also a work colleague was having a further operation today after having a brain tumor removed last decemeber and during the op suffered a stroke, she is only 41.

Romney, I have been signed off for a month which finishes next week. But I work nights and I work alone a lot. Some nights are very busy but others are quiet and I am dreading going back. I don't feel ready but that in itself is causing me to worry. XP has just carried on as normal at work, including socialising with workmates whereas I can hardly get out of bed some days. Yet other days are better. I still have the house to run, shopping to do, bills to pay, school run etc and he is living with his parents, no responsibilities and in the pub every evening.

Ok, today I've had a bad day. One of the worst. It's because he's told me he doesn't love me enough. I suppose I am translating that into I am not lovable enough and that's why he had the affair. But that's rubbish isn't it?

Fairy, you're doing so well. I phoned the Council Tax office today and also Tax Credits people. Don't know if I should be contacting anyone else.

Hi Bermie. It's crap, isn't it?

Patience, your x and mine would get on like a house on fire. They really would. Perhaps they could get a house and we could set it on fire .

Tea, how did it go with your mum?

Hi all just popping in to say hi and to get some courage together. My Xh is taking his computer back which has lots of photos on it which I've got to copy tonight. Photos of seven years of happier times and of dd over the last two years. Am gulping at the thought of it so wish me luck.

LC - when we were little we used to call the rewriting 'history according to dad' and now it's 'history according to xh' - it's a coping mechanism they have and while it's hideous and frustrating (I've cried with frustration with xh about his rewriting) - it's their coping mechanism - they are silly little boys and should be pitied.

patience - you're right when you say it could be anyone - I try and keep that in mind when I get fixated on OW.

Bermie - don't let him rob you of your confidence. He's the failure - look at how he's behaving as a father. |You are strong and getting on with it in the hardest circumstances. Could he do what you're doing? Could any of them?

fairy - you're sounding strong and inspirational

Big hugs to everyone else.

Now for the photos

LC - you know that's not true that you are not lovable enough, he is just trying to pass the blame as to what he has done to make you feel worse. You come across and a wonderful compassionate and intelligent lady.

Funnily I was having similar thoughts today about myself, as my 1st DH also had an affair with a friend, she knew my children and we also went on holiday with them as a group, they must have been laughing at me during that holiday, but that's history now. It made me think what have I been doing wrong, I know I gave my DH everything I could have, there was nothing else I can have given in my relationship, I actually think I gave too much.

I know you work nights but would they not find you something during the day to get you back gently and also to get your confidence back. My work have been so good to me.

Thanks, Romney. I so want to move on from these feelings. They are so painful. I think a lot of it is to do with ds. He's my youngest and I so wanted everything to be good for him. To look back on his childhood and say, thanks mum and dad for giving me such a great life. But XP has completely ballsed that up and I'm so angry on behalf of ds. Ironically, I feel guilty that for much of the eldest dc's lives they were subjected to the selfishness of XP. They are so glad he has gone even though they don't live here any more. They were so funny about him over xmas, pointing out all his nasty habits like stirring the gravy, licking the spoon and putting it back in the gravy boat. Yuk. I never noticed that but I used to cringe when he licked his knife.
Really, why would I crave love from a man who licks his knife?

Makedo, yes he's doing what every man does in this situation. Refusing to take responsibility for his actions. I get, "I've said I'm sorry enough haven't I" and "I know I've hurt you both but I can't change that" and "there's no point regretting things because I can't undo anything". Really? You seriously don't regret wrecking your son's life? You don't regret all the pain you have caused? Honestly? It's just another way of evading responsibility. What sort of lesson does that give ds? Actually, ds said saying sorry means you won't do it again so dad isn't really sorry,is he? Out of the mouths of babes...

lc - knife licking is hideous isn't it?! mine used to blow his nose into the sink . Ugh - aren't they horrible!

Oh and get this one... I sort of apologised for being angry yesterday and the fairly unpleasant texts I sent this morning. I said that I just needed to get it off my chest because I was struggling and feeling overwhelmed. And he said... can't you do that on Mumsnet, why do have to put it on me all the time?

Makedo, you've made me laugh out loud How does one blow one's nose in the sink??? Is it footballer style? Please say it wasn't the kitchen sink.

lc - wow - I could have posted every one of those sentences myself. They just follow a script!

I honestly don't think they do a moment's thinking about what they've done which is why they get so angry at us for reminding them. My xh said to me the other day 'oh god we've still got to work on our relationship haven't we - we've got to have a relationship even though we've split up?!' - well duh you twunt we have a child together! It really hadn't occured to him when he walked out to think about anything apart from 'his right to happiness' - ie what would happen, about dd's future, how we'd interact, how the OW would fit in when it is all I've thought about for four weeks

Ha ha! - mine has mentioned 'those bloody women on mumsnet'

He used to do it mainly in the bathroom sink (literally hold one side of his nose and blow the other into running water ewwwwwwwwww) - but he did do it a couple of times in the kitchen (double ewwwwwww!)

Lc this is the sad cruel bit ,they kick us when we are down IME their rage is because they got caught they were living two parallel lives and we fucked it right up for them,remember the time u dumped him at the side of the road ,good on ya mate ,when the games up they just slink off till they charm someone else.As my friend said to me yesterday he may have moved on but he isn't happy ,in the end I will be much happier .

LC - my DC were young like you DS when I found out their D was having the affair, he left to be with OW, they saw the pain I went through then, but have turned out to be amazing children, and although they didn't have their D around all the time they still have a very good relationship with him.

I'm sure with a great mum like you and 2 wonderful older sisters he will grow up and never have any regrets about how his childhood turned out. Don't punish yourself about something you can't change, it's DP's problem and he will have to live with his regrets.

Mine snored like a very very drunk man ,that was because he was a very very drunk man,but then I took a hard working man and drove him to drink .

Hi all - haven't been around for a while as DD was so ill, I was then ill, started back at work and have had head done in (AGAIN) by XH.

Only managed to read this last page tonight but I see they are all out doing themselves in the knob jockey stakes!

LC - my XH says such similar things - like everyone said they seem to follow the same script- it's not you that isn't loveable, it's him. He doesn't love you enough - what utter shit. These men can't love anyone or anything 'enough' to man up. It's all about them and their issues. I have been seeing a counsellor and she assures me that, in time, I will see XH as the emotional cripple he is. He cannot show /feel appropriate emotion just as someone in a wheelchair cannot walk.

bermie - you weren't rubbish at marriage. he has knocked your confidence. It's not you at fault. Look at the way he's behaved. Like all these men you are vindicated by his actions. If a marriage isn't working, you talk, you can/can't sort it and you move forward together with whatever you agree. You DO NOT chuff off and have an affair.

make - they beggar belief - 'I can only say sorry so many times' - WTF!! No you can make it up to us (as much as possible) by being a responsible parent, a supportive co-parent, civil, caring. Oh wait - if they couldn't so it when married, why start now!! Makes me so annoyed for all of us. Good luck for photos.

I've let myself down! Went out for a few drinks with a friend tues, XH babysat (after huge row where I reminded him of his responsibilities and fact I deserve a break too) but when i came home he hovered around. We had a drink together and kissed. I folded like a cheap towel and asked him to come back. He said he doesn't want me anymore. Am crushed all over again. I know he's a total bastard but can't help making excuses for him. (due to his horrendous childhood and current depression) Aaarrgh!!! Have a word!

goat - you have nothing to reproach yourself for - he, on the other hand has everything. If you acted the way he has and did the other night you would be so ashamed of yourself because you'd know how cruel that behavious is. You deserve so much better - really - but don't reproach yourself for being vulnerable.

Ok, Goat. You are not a cheap towel. You are a lovely luxury bathrobe. That's why he couldn't resist. He's a chancer. My xp says he doesn't want me. Well, my girl, when we are back on our feet, enjoying life and they are stuck in grotty bedsit they might realise what they've given up. But that is no concern of ours. We will have moved on by several miles. Oh and by the way, how can you babysit your own children???

Hi all thanks for your messages. Tea thanks for the link will look at tomorrow. Just got DC's to bed. 12 (nearly 13) year old with ADHD still up, but quiet which is something! 9 yo asleep in my bed for a change!
I agree with you all, but just need to believe it for myself, hopefully the counseling I've started will help.

goat my ex would do the same given half a chance - they are men after all! Be strong

No you CAN stop making excuses for him,honestly u just do it .if I can get there anyone can do it I was a lost cause .everytime u make an excuse for him now u will recognise it ,everytime he makes an excuse u will hear EXCUSE EXCUSE.
How do u tell if my X is making an excuse ....his mouth is moving.excuse equals BULLSHIT in my vocabulary now ,step up to the plate or fuck off.
I caved plenty ,stopped caving in July .Not good for the self esteem but my relationship was based on sex ,I know very shallow but I honestly thought it was love.big hugs sorry about the illness x.