Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 11

[Teaandchristmascakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

[shocked]

patience-keep strong,get them crystals out ,that may help bring you comfort.
Got to go school run to do ,nearly wimped out as it just felt to much to get up and face the world,be back on later for catch up.

Patience am liking your to do list this year and yes can you imagine if you invented the broken heart repair kit that would take care of running the profitable business. Like cv says the mismatch between logic and feelings in frustrating but you will lose the anger. Hopefully getting into the school routines will help it did me.

Really sorry will lose my post if I go back a page to look but was it make do with her "That man" list ? Thats something I did too and I had a deep well to draw,even now when I find myself thinking sad thoughts I call to mind the reality of life with xh and know its not what I want.

LC talked about how we bargain away behaviours and I was an expert in that. I just didnt want to face up to it because I knew he didnt want to change and therefore I only had one course of action I didnt want to take it. Fortunately in the end he did.

CV thats how my cousin feels about having a baby and toddler to care for while her xh sleeps in etc. As time goes on hopefully that bitterness will subside and actually you are in the better because you have your lovely dc which mean far more than anything else in the long run.

I am thinking atm that yes counselling, certain books,support from those around us all help us recover but in the end the only thing that really cures the pain is the passing of time.

Everyone on this thread has been or still is being mistreated by someone they once loved and trusted completely. Its hard to come to terms with but eventually the crying stops and you can start to rebuild your life on e step at a time. Although I never ever thought I would be in this position I am and am now determined to make my life with my dc the best it can be. I dont want to give him anymore of my emotions because I have already done too much of that and its time to give me the emotion and energy previously expended on him.

I totally agree that Time helps so much.

So sorry patience that it is tough at present. Tougher for me the past few days as I see small things that affect the kids negatively like me not able to be in 2 places at one time.

I have a friend who went for hypnotisim treatment for a broken heart.Thinks it was good.

I am finding Googoos mantra for 2011 of concentrating on those who love and care for you really good.

Back later - got to do breakfast :)

Thanks getting ,well done fairy re school run just good to get across the front door if u can.

Waves to mf ,
Bra full of crystals today,went for ametheyst,peridot and Rhodonite.

Oh, I'm having a really shit day. Really, really shit. XP came round last night and it ended up as a huge, huge row. I managed to get some truth out of him. He said he loved me but not enough to be with me (which is fair enough); that I'd changed and he didn't like what he saw (I wonder why!!!); that he couldn't afford to carry on paying for the mortgage and get a place for himself (no shit, sherlock). Still no explanation for the affair but more importantly, no explanation as to why he brought OW round to the house, introduced her to me and ds etc. That's the bit I can't get to grips with. We never needed to meet her.

I told him I still loved him (I do) and I never wanted to break up the family. I then went on to say that although I loved him I thought that he was a completely rotten person, rotten to the core and that he was a rotten father too. That didn't go down well and things went downhill from there. I called him a fucking bastard for having a 3 year affair and intoducing OW to the whole family. DS heard that so I apologised but ds said, don't worry mum it's true and I agree with you.

Today I've got that morning after feeling. Why do I feel guilty? Why is XP angry with me? Ok, I lost my temper but is that so much worse than what he did to us??? Is it?

God, I feel awful.

I honestly think he is still in love with OW. That he still wants to put her before ds and me. If only he would show some remorse for what he has done. Am I wasting my time?

Why is he so angry with me? What did I do wrong?

awww lc am on my way out so quick reply, but keep strong,he is angry because seeing you and dc remind him of what he has done and what a shit he has been,maybe ? DO NOT waste time feeling guilty !

Thanks fairy, I would like to think he feels bad about what he has done but I don't think he does. He's more like Patience's ex as in, why can't you get over it, I have. He doesn't seem to understand why I am angry. If he could just say sorry and make amends then I wouldn't feel the need to shout it from the rooftops about what a shit person he really is.

By making amends, I mean being supportive and making sure we are alright financially. He chose this life, not me.

Oh I?m so sorry my visits for the last 24 hrs have been brief to this thread, but I shall try to comment now quickly before my mum arrives, either that or I?ll write half now and half later. It?s so great that we have this amazing supportive group, but hard to keep up sometimes

Longdarktunnel - After reading Shirley Glasses book ?Not Just Friends? when I was still in limbo with my H, I wrote him a long long e-mail and asked him using some of the stuff from the book to explain why I needed answers, luckily he took it on board and although he squirmed a lot when telling me, he told me all. But it took 5 months as I said after separation, and I?m not convinced that most men would be bothered to do it. I think some dumplings on here have never had the answers they so crave, and that is much harder I feel for you with your predicament with MIL and OW, I remember those feelings too. Money wise somehow I always make ends meet. The VAT rise won?t be on food as I understand or children?s clothes so that?s something I try to think about as that?s most of my expenditure. I?ll try and read your thread tonight if I can.

Romney ? when H came over on Tuesday he seemed very down and I asked him if he was ok, he said that OW had got on a train to go home that morning and was angry with him and wasn?t talking to him. What I hadn?t realised, (as I ask H not to tell me when she?s visiting as I hate it and start to imagine them together etc.) was on Monday she was at his and I must?ve spoken to him by mobile phone about 3 times that day and lots of texts too as I was planning DS?s birthday bash for Weds and was out shopping etc and DD was missing him too and wanted to chat to him. Well she took the hump as she thought (typical 21 yr old) when she won my H that I would hate him and would barely speak to him nor allow him to see the children much and she hates how often we were speaking that day and he see?s the kids. She now thinks we always talk that much. Ex H said that she needs to decide what she wants as the children are important to him and she needs to trust him. Their relationship began on lies didn?t it? No wonder she?s paranoid, apparently she keeps ringing him all the time paranoid when he?s working as a doorman at bars etc. It?s starting to irritate him. I mustn?t be pulled into their drama triangle really but I admit I felt no sympathy for her, after all her years of texting my H when we were together and I had to suck it up as apparently nothing was going on She doesn?t like it now the shoe is on the other foot hey?

Must go mums arrived. So I didn?t get far on catching up did I? Wish me luck.

Just off out Lc but really empathise,this is why I'm having a bit of a relapse I think ie he could never take any blame so I had so much negative energy inside me.and no answers ,I think we cant believe it tbh a total shock.easier was ladies here to give us a bucket of cold water over us .he was my lover my best friend but a sneaky weak fucker who could never make me happy and a crap dad.have a big walk today can u find dome trees can u do a meet up soon Lc we need to rant ,out with the negative ,dirty lying bastards.

LC my xh was just the same - really angry that I should point out what a shit he was being - but it's a way of blocking out the huge amount of pain they've caused.

Honestly, it's himself he's angry with but he probably doesn't even realise it yet. He's just hitting out at the person who is making him face up to his own guilt.

Don't feel guilty - you need to do this - it's part of your healing process. I felt so much better after a few huge rows with xh. No doubt they'll be more.

They moved on a while ago but they forgot to tell us. We're just catching up.

And make sure you're ok financially. Tough shit if he can't make ends meet. You need to protect yourself first.

Rant alert.

Dirty, fucking, lying bastard. Lies and lies and lies. Why didn't he just leave me at any point during those 2.5 years? If he didn't love me why hide the fact that he was having an affair? She wanted to leave her H so why didn't they just go? Why wait until I had to squeeze the truth out him at the 11th hour? I don't understand why he kept this pretence up for so long and even admitted that it would have gone on indefinitely if I (and WWIFN) hadn't rumbled them. He never volunteered any truth even though I suspected the worst. Why didn't he say ok, it's all true, we want to be together? That's the bit I don't understand. So now she's gone back to her husband (apparently) and he has lost me, ds and his home. And it all seems so easy and straightforward to him. How dare I keep reminding him of his indiscretion! How dare I show my anger! How dare I tell people the truth!

There. Rant out. There may be more.

Must just write this dream down. Last night I dreamt that OW needed to stay with us for the night. We were living by the sea - don't know why as we live in Brum in RL - and XP said she could share our bed. For some reason I didn't question this but I felt very upset. The next morning, I noticed that the bed was wet and it turned out that OW had wet the bed which she admited was a lonstanding problem. I thought she was just making excuses for a suspicious wet patch. I asked her to show me her recent boob job (in RL this was her present to herself when XP dumped her ). When she showed me I said wow that's fantastic but why did you ask for one boob to be so much bigger than the other, you are all lopsided . Then ds drowned in the sea and I woke up in a major panic, crying and screaming.

U need to Google that Lc

I think ggm explained my X the other night when she said he just didn't want to make the effort of being a father.
It's all my fault because I complained he spent all our money on booze and fags.
He chose to continue to spend all his money on booze and fags and sleeps in a portacabin.I did ALL of this ,he has done nothing wrong.Yet he can't sleep and has to drink everyday .

They cant deal with it as the guilt is too much and they realise they are complete shits. WHich of course they dont admit to themselves - and the OW/drinking pals are telling them all the time how great they are. SO there cant be anything wrong with them.

And they arent quite sure they want to be with the OW so they string both options along.

And yes Tea- dont get involved with the triangle - but I have to say Im glad OW behaviour is backfiring on her.

As my friend said - 2 such selfish people......... - what is the future for them

LC I know I am no expert but I cant help feeling all this anger and rage you are feeling now is a good thing allowing you to let the poisons of all this begin to escape from inside.

Why he brought his ow into your lives is baffling and no doubt there is a book somewhere that will give a reason.

Otherwise the question of why he conducted an affair behind your back for so long,why he didnt come clean at the various times he could have done is pointless. Pink may have been a little simplistic in her assertion recently that he did because he wanted to (@Romney I think)but in fact when you strip everything away that is what it boils down to. He made a choice and in doing so he began to live a lie. In the end he got rumbled.

My view on him showing remorse/regret/guilt at his actions is so what if he does. How much integrity emotionally does he have in the first place that you would be any better off by seeing him demonstrate those feelings ? Also I know you know this but what does it actually change in reality if he was prostrate on your doorstep wailing about how awful he felt ? Ok you may say there would be some sense of satisfaction but I think it would be short lived.

Almost without exception from being on MN and my own experience (remember when xh told me a few months ago that he didnt leave but we Separated) history gets rewritten very quickly in order for them to sit with thier guilt at what they have done to their families. Logically you can understand how this happens as they have to look in the mirror,function in their wider lives and face us.

LC you say you still love him but if I can give you any hope I believe as you begin to process everything and let it out you will reach a point where you recognise you no longer love him and maybe hadnt done as much as you thought. Letting go of the emotional habits formed over 16 years is a long process and as per my earlier post time amongst other things it takes time.

Thinking of you and btw I think a few venting rows are a good idea.

Patience, is it worth trying to understand them? Feckless men, not dreams.

As far as my dream goes I think:
OW sleeping in our bed = deceit, betrayal, disrespect, low morals by OW and XP
Wet patch = she disgusts me and more lies
Lopsided boobs/boob job = she is shallow, attention seeking, flawed plus my revenge
DS drowning = I am worried that I am failing him as I am all he's got

How do I accept that this is my life now? I feel so out of control. XP has taken everything away, changed everything. I can't face going back to work. I just want to stay at home with ds and fester. And I used to have a good life. Nice house, lovely kids, good lifestyle, happy relationship (or so I thought). I can't understand why XP decided to swap that for living on his own in a flat (when he gets one) with his son and me hating him. Did he really think we would just turn round and say, oh that's ok if you fell in love with OW and we understand why you deceived us for nearly 3 years and then just dropped us in the shit when it all got too much for you. Don't worry, we'll wait around for you to get your act together and rebuild your life. Poor, poor you. It's so hard isn't it? Trying to deal with guilt and loss and managing to evade the cops because you're behind the wheel having drunk 6 pints. Oh diddums.

Oh, I'm in full swing today

Getting, you are so right. This needs to come out. I can't live with it inside me any longer. I want to write a book and tell everyone exactly what he is like. But then that makes me look mad for putting up with him. Because I have bargained away some terrible behaviours over the years. I found an inappropriate text years ago (different colleague) and he emailed an ex on facebook telling her she still looked beautiful and how our relationship wasn't great. Each time he convinced me I was being unreasonable. He has never been faithful to any partner ever. He is also financially irresponsible to put it mildly. Current cc bills are in 5 figures plus he owes me a 5 figure sum. I reckon his debts are around £30k+, maybe more. Something else happened about 8 years ago which still haunts me to this day which I can't speak about but it wasn't an infidelity. Rightly or wrongly I blame him for this and I have never got over it. And don't get me started on his relationship with my older dc's. They nearly threw a party after he moved out.

But every time I tell him these things he makes out that I am being unfair, unreasonable, having a go at him. In his words, "here you go again".

I invested everything I had in this realationship, in my dc's. He just took what he could get it would seem.

I think what helps me see it clearer LC is the way my X is treating his kids ,he always has an excuse.I agree with mf,my Xs drinking buddies will be backing him up everyday .one of them actually said to him when my X was telling him i wanted him to stay out the pub "Just bin her"
The doctor had asked my X to stay out the pub he was /is killing himself.
anyway I don't think I have to dig very deep to explain my X s behaviour because he is very shallow.its a sort of out with the old to make way for the new.Whatever that is?
I just have to stop denying what has happened and start to heal.How do I do that ?)Why is my mind not joining in it heard X say quite clearly,he had moved on.

"Here we go again,bringing up the past,why do u want to live in the past"
Just shows me my instincts were red hot years ago I just didn't want him to leave,I was weak he was good looking and I confused sex for love.
All that glitters isn't gold just a selfish wee bastard

LC This needs to come out. It is an enormously healthy sign and actually I am cheering here, much as I know it's distressing for you. What you write about the bargains you have made over the years doesn't surprise me in the least. It's all just hindsight though, because until recently, you wanted to believe he wasn't as he is. That you are seeing him with more clarity now is the first proper sign of detachment, trust me. This is why I've been urging you to write it all down, because I knew that once you started doing that, you would have a powerful realisation and would start to detach and heal.

I think you are right that he is still in love with the OW and as you know, I am pretty certain the relationship is ongoing. This is the only thing that's still worrying me about your beliefs, that you want to believe it's over between them.

This is going to be painful, but he was staying put because financially and domestically, it suited both of them. You mentioned months ago the amount of debt he was in and he therefore simply wouldn't have been able to finance a home for him, her and her DD and also meet his financial obligations to you and your son. I've got no doubt that if either of them had received a windfall, they would have been off like a shot.

It simply suited him to bide his time and the same goes for her. He didn't have to do very much to stay put did he? He was still sexually attracted to you for a time and it was not onerous for him to give you sex, but he even started to renege on that in the summer, didn't he? He had long stopped giving you any emotional support, so he managed to get a roof over his head and his basic needs tended to, without having to give very much in return.

The awful thing was that you knew none of this. You thought that this was your fault, because you were feeling so sad and depressed after the bereavements, your son's attack and bad news that kept coming. He let you think you had driven him away by your response to these awful events, when in fact his affair pre-dated any of them happening.

This is why timelining is so important, if anyone else is reading.

Let it all come out LC but you will not get any contrition or answers from him for a long time, if ever. And this must stop from your DS's point of view - although he agrees that his Dad has behaved monstrously, he shouldn't have to witness these scenes at his age.

Your best revenge now is to screw him financially and move on. Start getting your legal position sorted out now. Go to the counselling and now you've started, keep writing down everything that happened to you.

LC - just go with this bad day and remember tomorrow might be a better one. I am only going through each day as it comes.

I am so hurt, I still havent got the anger, wish it would come but I still love him so much, although I know he isnt the person I thought he was, he has changed beyond recognition, and maybe he/they were never the person we thought they were.

Rant as much as you want thats what we are here for, wish I could rant. I still want to write to OW parents just so they know the truth regarding their relationship, I know OW would never have told her parents that he was still in his marriage etc, but a friend that worked with her said I should rethink because she would have no compunction to get a solicitor onto me for slander! Oh well, we'll see.

Thank you WWIFN. I feel terrified. He is telling eveyone I wanted this, that I kicked him out. I feel like putting an ad in the paper. I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS FOR MY FAMILY. These are not my standards. I don't live like this. I think we used to be happy at one time. About 4 years ago when I joined a gym and lost some weight he said to me, please don't change too much, I like you just as you are. I think he meant it but now I don't know whether anything was ever true. What a waste of 14 years.

Poor, poor ds. He doesn't deserve any of this. And he is stuck with a father who is rotten to the core. I have spent all day reassuring him that everything will be ok and his dad sends just one text and that was only because I told him to. XP initially said , "no, I'll let him come to terms with things in his own time and let him contact me when he's ready". Err no XP, you need to offer ds reassurance on a daily basis. He is only 9yo, FFS.