Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 11

[Teaandchristmascakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

[shocked]

Hello Long! Welcome to this lovely band of dumplings. Lol at the OW looking like a horse :)

Hi tunnel - welcome -there are some lovely, inspirational dumplings here. I'm continually amazed at how fantastic everyone on here is

I'll try and have a look for your other posts but need to be off to bed soon as early start. Re the counselling though - can you not get anything through your GP - mine is setting some NHS sessions up for me otherwise I just couldn't afford it

I probably could organise it through the GP, but the one I've been seeing privately is great and I don't really fancy starting again with someone I don't know. I'm going to cut down to a session a
month, and tell my husband he can pick up the tab...seems fair enough to me.

Getting your husband to pick up the tab is a very good idea

Right I really have to go to bed. Thank you to you all - once again just knowing you are there has made a hard day easier. Let sleep bring with it hope and a brighter day for every single one of us tomorrow x

Getting, yes xp does seem a bit thick dozy. I asked him how he thought the whole saga would eventually end if I hadn't discovered it (thanks to WWIFN's persistence) and he said, "I don't know, I never really thought about it" WTF!!! And yes, I honestly believe he did it simply because he could and was arrogant enough to think he could keep it hidden from me and her H. Which he did for 2.5 years.

And Getting, I remember your coasteering holiday (which I thought was something art and crafty where you spend a week making coasters) and it was a fantastic achievment for anyone, single parent or not. But obviously, even more incredible given what you were going through.

Kate, Where - holidays are going to be a challenge but a huge achievment. Lots of my favourite places are now tainted because I'm having to rewrite history and realise that xp was texting and phoning OW all the time while we were having fun there (and we did have fun) as a family. Apart from the holiday that she invited herself, her H and DD on . The one place I will never, ever go is Miami (long story). But these places are bigger than their sordid little affair. I WILL NOT allow them to spoil my fun in New York. So yah boo sucks to Skiddy and the Transexual - that's for anyone who may recall my "discovery" thread which I had to have deleted.

Make, my mum divorced my dad after 30 years of marriage and really enjoyed being single. She never remarried despite a couple of offers. Then 20 years later she got back together with my dad but made sure she kept her own house and saw him 3 times a week and no more even though he wanted to get remarried. She was the original dumpling!

Romney, it's shit, isn't it? Truly rubbish. I have felt so bleak today. You are being so good detaching. I'm not doing that very well right now. Definitely bottom of the class in that subject today. Must try harder. I have an overwhelming desire to pretend it hasn't happened. Even thought about saying to xp - let's just forget this aberration, put it in the past and carry on from where we left off. Oh please don't scold me, dumplings. Please don't throw me off the thread for bad behaviour . Fortunately, I don't think he wants me back anyway. But unlike many of you, I did the dumping as I kicked him out and OW is trying to repair her wreck of a marriage by persuading her H to forgive and forget. So xp is womanless and homeless, ds is fatherless and I'm a complete sucker.

Hello to Tea, Patience, Happy and everyone else. Hope you feel better now Patience.

Ooh, Longdarktunnel, your story sounds a bit like mine. Double whammy when they shag about with someone you know, isn't it? Although in my case, OW was introduced to the family after the affair started. Not sure which is worse. But the fact that she is godmother to your son is vile. I would be looking to get this changed if at all possible. That is monstrous. Teaandcake's H's OW was also a family friend I think. It stinks, doesn't it?

Feel lowest I have felt in a long time just can't imagine detatched co parenting with an unremorseful bastard that I still look at and see my husband.what the fuck happened ,I lost my house my job and my marriage last year I think this is post traumatic shock btw the light at the end of the tunnel has temporarily gone out.

It does make it worse, though I was never particularly fond of her - always thought she was a bit silly and dull. But the cheek of what she did is just breathtaking - she spent a huge amount of time with us as a family. I don't know what they were thinking, I really don't. But although I miss him, or at least the person I thought he was, I certainly don't miss her presence in my life.

You all sound wonderful. I'm looking forward to getting to know you all.

I beg of you, don't think he was stupid, or that he was charmingly dozy. He was unspeakably cruel to you and your DS. If you are seeing any glimpses of the old him now, it will be entirely because he is feeling sorry for himself now that he has been left with no-one. Having said that, I have an absolute instinct that it still isn't over with the OW, but that now she has persuaded her terminally daft H to forgive her yet again, they are just being more careful.

What's happening with the counselling LC? As I recall, you were given an emergency appointment?

Don't falter now. If you can stomach it, re-read your old posts. The worst ones are on the threads that weren't pulled, especially the ones you made before discovery (May time), when you were feeling in the pits of despair after all the catastrophes that had befallen you and were coping with a sullen, unsympathetic partner.

Good to see that LongDarkTunnel has joined. I remember your thread and the horse lookalike (although I don't think you referred to her like that then!!) . Have you had to let the children meet up with her yet, as I know that this was your worst fear?

Patience, I have that feeling too - I would so much prefer to just never see him again but that's not possible. The idea of having to parent with him is exhausting...and it's horrible to see someone who looks and sounds just like the person you loved, but who clearly isn't. Very odd and sad and strange.

talking of holidays ,this is what me and the eldest 2 dc were discussing today,the fact that we will probably not go abroad again for a few years,its probably the thing that has upset them the most.I dont drive and have been on several holidays by train and with 1 still in a buggy and a challenging 4 year old it is not something i can see myself doing but who knows its early days.
I know you all say its early days for me and i wish i could just put this all on hold whilst i gained the strength to deal with it but i am going to have to hand my notice in at work in the next week and claim income support/mortgage payment help aswell as seeing a solicitor,i have no savings,barely got the money together for the childrens bus passes in the morning,its all so awful ,my eldest ds is being such a support ,its a position i never wanted him to be in

Just realised that post makes me look v.shallow,holidays obviously are not my top priority it was the fact it upset the kids so much.

Hello WWIFN - your advice has been very helpful. I think where I haven't really got a grip is getting a good or convincing explanation from him. I'm still in the dark about what happened when, and why. I feel that's probably something I need to get from him before I can move on, but I'm just not sure I am ready to hear the answers.

Yes, they have seen her and spent time with her. I was reluctant but didn't really have a choice in the end as he started to talk about his rights, and lawyers and so on. So I concluded that as it was going to happen sooner rather than later, I needed to make it as easy as possible for the dcs. They love seeing their father but they never mention her - they are so small I cant believe that it's because they want to protect me, so I can only assume they aren't all that interested in her and what she does...my next dilemma is whether I should demand to meet her. I feel our first meeting needs
to be on my terms, rather than accidental - and it's quite possible that might happen given how close they live.

He said to me back in Sept why can't u just be happy,I've moved on .....get over it.

Sending you strength Patience , you know what I think , could that be any worse a scenario than this ? Maybe phase two needs to include some phasing out, I know it wouldnt ever be what you imagine or want but think do you want to be in this situation into the future ?

I've had a good friend over tonight and have just seen how many posts are on here. Eeek! I'll have to catch up tomorrow as I need some shut eye. Welcome longdarktunnel.

LDT I always suggest that people get the full story and chronology if they can, whether they part or stay together. One of the reasons you might need this is that it is a less-documented aspect of affair aftermath, to need to re-construct the story of your life. At the moment, there are huge bits of your life "unaccounted for" and that is both scary and debilitating. I understand why you might not be ready for that just yet, but I honestly think it will help you move on.

It sounds as though you have been incredibly fair and reasonable about your DCs seeing the OW, so if you can bear it, he should have no reason whatsoever to deny you the truth now. However, try to stick to establishing incontrovertible facts, rather than his subjective views on why he had an affair and left. I think it would be especially helpful to learn when the atmosphere first changed between them and when he first became aware of her as potentially more than a friend. This is the point when the clock needs to start and not when the affair began.

Happy to help again if you need it, via a PM if necessary.

Sorry yes welcome longdarktunnel I think I recognise you from your thread - do you know how to link it to us ?

Fairy, can't you go off sick for a while? I'm off sick at the moment and at first I felt so guilty but I am suffering mentally. I am having some sort of breakdown as I have become very worried about leaving the house unless it's to somewhere very familiar and I know I won't meet anyone. Please don't hand your notice in yet. Sorry, but I can't remember how old your ds is. He sounds lovely.

Oh, WWIFN, you've caught me. As in caught me out AND saved me from being silly. I know you are right. You don't need to convince me and I knew exactly what you would say. It is so hard to admit that the person I love(d) is cruel, not so much to me but to his own little boy. DS was only 7 when he first met OW. If I acknowledge that he is cruel, devious and selfish then what does that say about me? That I am only worthy of an evil person? He was my partner and best friend for 14 years. Or was he? I don't have the energy to rewrite my life. I think it is over between XP and OW. For the time being. But I really do not want to get dragged into that sorry saga again. Another reason for needing to detach. The emergency appointment was cancelled due to staff sickness. I'm still waiting to hear from Relate and I didn't want to involve a 3rd party in the mix as I'm confused enough as it is. Thanks for looking out for me, WWIFN.

Thing is getting ,kids had a good visit yesterday its just today I am grieving my marriage just need to stay in the day but my rage inside is immeasurable I hate the negativity but its the sense of loss and just WHY?
Just so cruel to me and the kids, I will never understand why he didn't fight to save the family .my kids will always struggle financially now just all a big fucking mess and he turns up when he feels like it doin fun days like a favourite uncle.

What does it say about you? That you are a lovely strong woman who trusted, that's all! You also know from my posts that I don't see people in black and white terms and I wouldn't dream to presume that he was always this cruel or deceitful. I suspect he was always quite selfish and that there were behaviours you'd been bargaining away for years, but didn't seem that bad, because you never thought he would be unfaithful. I'm sure you can remember the faults you thought he had before he met this woman (remember, set the clock from when he first laid eyes on her, not when the affair started).

In an affair, these faults are magnified and then, because having an affair caused him to lose empathy for you, it allowed all the worst in human behaviours to come out. Unfortunately, everyone is capable of some horrible behaviour and never more so when they have lost empathy and detached from the person on the receiving end, including DCs even.

This is why I often say that an affair damages the person having one - it induces the worst in human behaviour; cruelty in people who never regarded themselves as cruel and deceit in people who have previously been straightforward, especially in their romantic relationships.

However, there are always consequences to this behaviour. Your P consistently threw away his many opportunities to come clean and give you the truth. In your case too, he has been displaying the worst in human behaviour for such a long time now that he has probably lost the better aspects of his personality for good.

Don't you ever look inwards or feel that this was a fault of yours for choosing a bad partner. And never beat yourself up about the trust you had in him.

Such a shame about the counselling. I sincerely hope there is better news this week. Do chase it up, won't you? More than most, you need this all to come out and unravel with a trained professional.

I will always look out for you.

He threw his family away for freedom to drink and although I know all the reasons why it still hurts that my MIL says all patience did was nag.this from a woman that didn't see my kids for a whole year Oct 09 tilSept 10 and she lives half an hour away.

Yes, that's about the measure of it, Patience. His loss is the bigger one though. I pointed out to xp yesterday that he no longer had the pleasure of waking up with ds every day and he would miss all the day to day things, good and bad, which shape that close bond between parent and child. And it is so easy to lose your child when they become a teenager if you're not there for the bad times especially.
Anyway, the financial tide may change one day. You might have a windfall, your business might be multinational within 10 years or you might marry a millionaire. Whatever happens you will always have your kids.
Oh, and XP has already replaced OW with...wait for it...alcohol. He had already drunk 6 pints when he drove (yes drove!) over here yesterday. Nice.

Lc wwifn s post is so relevant to partners of alcoholics.the more he drinks the lower he gets. But his kids were never a good enough reason to stop drinking.watched Nicholas nickelby today and Ralph Nickelby the bad uncle says ,you can't stain a black coat.well my X s character is black now ,u can't make it any blacker .any man that doesn't pay for his kids and goes out drinking is a complete wanker.