Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 11

[Teaandchristmascakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

[shocked]

Ooh, dozed off for 20 minutes there. Woke up and thought, something terrible has happened but I can't think what. Screamed when I remembered the truth. That happens to everyone, doesn't it?

Yes, usually when I wake up, although it gets less as it becomes reality and sinks in. Then you don't think about it.

LC I have uncomfortable dreams most nights and have for months so its the opposite for me and is why the majority of my cig smoking is before 9am

fairy - one week ? Just start to understand the most important thing atm is getting you and the dc through each day surviving and that will be enough to contend with atm .

sorry you are still feeling below par Patience like you I think routines coming back will be a good thing.

kate how the bloody hell do you do it re girls and museum trip ? What a total shit I mean how can he push that on you all so soon [anger]

city I love banana cake , my healthy life begins tomorrow boo hiss. Keep going you will push through this

goo well I laughed hard at that . Heres one to add , similar brief silence then "Whats the flavour I can taste" ie I dont like it and you have over done it because the diner should always be left wondering what the flavour is. Oh the glee at typing this because I dont ever need to hear that again. Sorry you want to cook for someone poshsingle I havent seen you on here before - hello

Well I am back feeling ok have got rid of all signs of christmas even the loft work. House is immaculate now and ready for the estate agent to ring me tomorrow flooding me with potential buyers and telling me all about places for me to buy !

Going to enjoy the last few hours of the holiday with the dc

getting

I have to be reasonable about it - can't control what a dickwad he is for suggesting it but can control my reaction to it.

He has told them him and OW are taking them to science museum (which is where we always went as a family) so it's just being said to rattle my cage and get me involved in their drama.

In the 13 years we were together he never made any plans for nice things to do with the dc - I would do it all. So the museum is merely another 'fuck you' to me.

He's not arsed about seeing them at all! So the idea that it will be all romance and happy families with the OW is a joke! He will be desparate to show her what a family man he is...while he is trying to cope with 9 yr old with Aspergers and 6 boisterous 6 year old. He can't cope with them at home at the best of times.

And if she is pushing to meet the dc so soon - then it is only to cause trouble / upset and to make her feel she is controlling ex and pulling the strings.

I'm simply not going to engage.

Evening Ladies, well back to work tomorrow and i am worried. I took my wedding ring off two weeks ago and planned not to wear it anymore, as it couldnt help but think i was faking a marriage. But now I need to go back to work i want to put it back on as i dont want ppl/students asking questions and dont want to bump into dh not wearing it either (we work at the same place!!) - but at the same time putting it back on would be taking a step backwards- im confused!!! It would be so much easier to slip it back on and pretend... (still not fully ready to let go of this marriage)

I havnt seen him since 5th Nov and on Saturday I told MIL to tell him to pack up my things from the house so that I could collect them. He hasnt been in touch despite being at home all weekend, part of me thinks that if he wanted rid of me he would of done this like a shot-???

Things are getting easier, I think i could have a life without him. I saw my older dd today and had a fab afternoon with her, but its hard sometimes to know what to talk about.Although shes my daughter I feel like shes becoming a stranger, he is the one taking care on a day by day basis and i feel like she doesnt need me, the only time she really contacts is when she argues with dh. I am waiting for counselling so im hoping that we can discuss how to imporve the realationship with my daughter. I know we slag off dads sometimes, but its really hard emotionally being a parent not living with your dc.

oh crazee I really feel for you - that must be so hard.

Kate - you are an inspiration - really

To everyone having a crap day - I'm so sorry - this is all so bloody hard. I'm actually looking forward to going back to work tomorrow just because I won't see him all the time. He'll arrive to pick up dd then he's babysitting in the eve - total 10 minutes of contact all day. Today he's been over and I went out but then we spent an hour, both of us with dd. I'm torn between wishing he were back and thinking how moody he is. But we managed not to say anything nasty to each other. But I wish I didn't care still as I know he left here to have a last night of the holidays with OW and that hurts. But one day it won't - wish that point would bloody hurry up though...

It's been one month today that he suddenly announced he was leaving. I sometimes feel like it's been one step forward two steps back but I know I've just got to change the ratio and I'll be fine.

And to all you ladies who can cook - I take my hat off - I'm really a very crap cook - luckily my childminder is great so dd only gets my food four days a week. Luckily she loves pasta and pesto

Im one of us having a crap day. And it is really crappity, crappity, crap, crap, crap. I can't accept that this is now my life. I don't want my old life back but I don't want this life that I've got now. I feel so badly wounded and it's just festering and not getting better.

How can the person who you thought loved you then hurt you so much? And then say he wants to be friends. No friend of mine gets away with treating me like this.

He also badly betrayed his own son - involved him in the affair and introduced him to ow. As my friend pointed out, that is even worse because he has been betrayed by his father, his own flesh and blood. Yuk. Why do I still love him? I never thought I had self esteem issues but maybe I have?

LC lots of hugs. Your heart hasn't caught up with your head yet, that's all. And what your heart is doing is clinging to the feeling it had for the man before he betrayed you. But your heart will catch up. The main thing is that you don't want your old life back. The life that you've got now is a transitional one, where you are coming to terms with everything and processing it and it won't last forever. Once the main shock and hurt is over you have a wonderful opportunity to reinvent, or re-structure or renew you life and turn it into what you want it to be, for you and your son. I'm now living for the people who love me nad keeping that in mind. Remembering that the people who love me don't need a lot of "work" or need to be impressed or persuaded that they love me - they just do and I'm going to cherish that. Hope you can get through this period of hurt and disbelief over the next month. I would start writing a little diary so that you can see how gradually the good days outweigh the bad. Lots of love x

GGM, yes you are right. My head says 100% to fuck him right off but my heart is arguing with my head saying, but you love him; he is the father of your beautiful son; he is sexy, funny (not very funny atm to be fair) and charming (and not very charming either). I could argue with myself all night about this. I just can't see sense. I'm 46 and should know better. Think I'll try the diary.

LC I dont suppose you do love him in the way you might have meant a year ago its just a hard habit to break caring for someone even when they have behaved the way he has.

Its hard to gain proper impressions of RL for each of us but somehow your xp sounded almost a bit dozy , like some of what happened wasnt directed by him iyswim ?

Its hard to explain but I dont think he did it to you but that he never bothered thinking about what he was doing hence having no intention of leaving you. Not that makes it any the less painful of course but I think he was just thinking about him and his dick not beyond that really.

Keep staring into space and processing and computing it a bad few days invariably means a step forward afterwards.

Hugs to you LC

makemend same as to fairy so early in its enough to breathe in and out and these ows just rack up the hurt and pain

goo good advice to anyone really about the diary

I know exactly what you mean LC.

I like what goo says about heart catching up with brain.

Does anyone find holiday adverts on the telly really depressing after being dumped? Such a cruel reminder of our last family which I thought was wonderful - not knowing Twat was already spending thousands on his 22 year old girl-friend. I can't think of anything more lonely and that's stresses I am now a lone parent than taking my dc on holiday surrounded by 'intact' happy looking families.[assuming I could afford it].

The thing is however sexy and charming he was wont change whats happened and what he did is not to be forgiven imo. Not just what he did but the weak spineless way he didnt fess up but you had to uncover every last detail.

Try and keep the rose tinted specs in their case LC and keep going you know who says and this too shall pass and it shall

googoo - you saying that this is a transitional period made me think of giving birth. What hell that was but what joy at the end with a complete change of life but for the better. This time I'm giving birth to a new, stronger, single me who will hopefully become a new, stronger me in a great relationship one day.

LC I'm about to turn 43 and still haven't learned it seems! But I think many of us on here may have hidden self esteem issues. I'd never have thought it of myself (and I think most people would say I was very confident) - but I must have had them to end up time and again with undeserving men - and eventually went on to marry one. I think I'm confident in certain aspects of 'me' but I think I was just grateful that someone wanted to marry me and flattered by the attention.

In a way I feel lucky - my mum for instance was stuck in a god-awful marriage for 40 years (as was my dad really - but he just opted out of family life while still coming home every night) until she died at 63 having never managed to break free. I've got a second chance - which granted I didn't choose myself but which I think I secretly know is the right thing.

I will buzz off in a minute but Where can I just say I felt sick when I thought of a holiday this time last year and thought no way.

Forced myself to book a week in Cornwall and it was the best even though I was the only single family etc. Old dumplings can I just remind you I went Coasteering....

Dont worry where these things have a way of working out

Where He told me on day 2 of our 14 day holiday that he 'did not feel the same about me'

This was in a cottage on the cliffs in on the Scottish coast...my most favourite place in the world - and he effectively has ruined that special place for me.

I don't drive - so was thinking "oh no, I'll never be able to take the girls on a SC cottage holiday" And that thought really got me down, so I looked on a map...traced where I could get a train to from my local station..somewhere near the sea!

Anyway, turns out I can get to Scarborough...was idly googling and the description on the first cottage that turns up is "Ideal for a car free holiday..5 mins walk from beach and train station"

BOOKED! Can't wait and it's such a positive thing for us to look forward to.

If we are all on here by the summer those who want to should book a little joint holiday - just for a couple of days. It would be fab :) Well done Kate - you are exceptionally positive and it's rubbing off on me!

Nice couldnt he have waited until day 12 Kate, well done you on booking and yes I remember I went from dread to joy from the moment I booked it.

Actually taking dc on holiday by myself remains the biggest happy achievment of the year

LC - I echo your thoughts and feelings, feel I am sinking.

DH texted today and said he would come and see me tom or weds, I am going to text back and tell him no to bother. OW comes back tom from her family Christmas break of 16 days! Thought they would have wanted to spend Christmas, his birthday and then new year as a couple as it was their 1st one together. Strange if you ask me but I am supposed to be trying to detach!!! Yes right who am I trying to kid.

Kate, I thought of you re holiday from your post. Saying that to you on day 2 of a two week holiday - a very cruel choice of timing to tell you such a thing.

I admire your attitude and proactivity in sorting out a lovely holiday for you and your girls.

How do you all manage the practicalities of a holiday alone with your dc?

Would you ever attempt abroad? Maybe I'm being lame, but can't imagine being able to do it.

Romney - tell him not to bother. Say you're a bit busy. That's the first step to detaching. Well done :)

Coasteering Getting? Sounds very adventurous but no idea what it is!

Yes googoo it was

Where no word of a lie it was so easy because there was nobody to know better,complain or sour things. Ok had to pack the car,map read etc but all the dumplings said go on getting you will feel so empowered afterwards and they were sooo right. Abroad ? I dont know but it doesnt really appeal anyway tbh.

Can I join you all please? I've been moping around on the Relationships board for the last four months under various guises since my husband announced he was having an affair with a friend (who is also my son's godmother, for all the good that will do the poor child in the future) and was moving in with her. She is the least interesting person I have ever encountered. And she looks quite a lot like a horse. I honestly do not know what he thinks he is doing.

Anyway, I have raged, ranted, cried, and thrown things. I have moped and become fixated on what I did wrong, and why I wasn't good enough for him. I have howled in front of the dcs, and have rung friends at 4am to weep (happily I have friends in various different time zones so it isn't as antisocial as it sounds). People keep telling me I'm doing well, I'm being strong, I'm looking amazing, I'm going to be fine, but in truth I am not doing well, I'm not being strong, I don't look amazing (but I've lost a lot of weight which I think is what they want to say but are too polite) and I don't yet know if I'm going to be fine.

On the other hand, I have filed for divorce, and we have more or less sorted out the finances. The dcs are coping better than they were at the start, and I have dozens of really amazing friends all of whom have been incredibly supportive and kind. And I have realised, at least, that I am better off without a man who was capable of treating me like that - my head knows that's right, even if my heart hasn't quite caught up.

Anyway, my counselling bills are becoming quite alarming so I desperately need another outlet for all of my soul searching...if you don't mind intermittent posting (am not always able to get to a pc during the day to post) then I would love to join in...