Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 11

[Teaandchristmascakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

[shocked]

Make I have my down days too - but they are getting less and less now. I've not cried for a while over him...or my situation.

Things that have helped me - feel free to skip - if you've heard it before!

These wise words from getting I think!!! killed a lot of memory brain cells on NYE!!

"If we had stayed with our x's or tried to struggle on I believe we'd have never really known true happiness. Life would have been a struggle & these men would never have come close to meeting our emotional needs as they were fundamentally emotionally immature & selfish. I think if we can come out the other side of this learning to love ourselves & be independant then we will be in a better place to live our lives well & hopefully attract more suitable partners if we so decide"

Keeping a photo a day journal - so I can look back at a time when I was coping with the split and being on my own...and I still managed to do nice things with my girls - to prove to myself, that I am a good mum and I know what's important and how the girls are MY priority...event if the OW is his now (his words not mine.)

www.blipfoto.com/katesphotos

Remembering - that it's not about YOU or Me

He, is a weak fool - BUT he did not wake up and think I'll hurt Kate today. He was not thinking about ME at all. He was thinking purely about himself - I did not figure in his thoughts...he was not wondering or caring about the impact of his behavior on me. He was attending to HIS own wants and needs.

Nothing we could have done - would have stopped these 'men' (and I use the term lightly) doing whatever the hell they liked.

No matter if they rewrite history...

"you were too concerned with the DC"
"We didn't have enough sex"
"I haven't loved you for years"
"OW is my soulmate"

*advice is from 'The Divorce Doctor' book which is a really good read - in terms of turning your anger and grief into something positive.

I was getting obsessional thoughts about him and OW - and continually questioning WHY? WHY? WHY?

Started to wear and elastic band on my wrist and every time I started to think about him or OW - PING! and that reminds you to focus on something else...it only took me a few days for it to start working...eventually, you'll be able to stop the irrational, obsessional thoughts without the PING!

When the physical pain in your chest and heart get to much. Sit with your back straight on a chair, breathe in through your nose...visualise you are breathing in clean, fresh, good air - then blow it your mouth and visualse that you are expelling horrible, smoky and bad air out. IN with the good and out with the bad.

I keep a written journal...just a stream of concious thoughts...so one day it will be how much I love him and want him and our lives back...the next page will be full of expletives and all his bloody bad points...scribbles that look like a mad woman has written them! Then, I close the journal and close the book on the negative impact he is having on me.

Building up a network of people (yes including men!) on Twitter and Facebook..so I can have those silly snippets of conversation during the day that I used to have with him

...and now the anger - I sent the lovebirds an email, giving them a few home truths..I also copied some of the other people in the office...so their cosy, little, secret romantic affair isn't anymore.
Office politics will soon put pressure on that. I told ex that on no account was OW to contact me, email or retaliate to this email...and I detached myself completely from their sordid drama.

She sounded vile - they make a good couple.

oh, and when I went back to my house where he's living..and I found she had been there... I dobbed his only bottle of posh aftershave out the back door.

I bought it for him last Xmas...if she wants the odourous bastard to smell nice..she can buy it for him!!! :)

Kate, I did something similar. I sent a text to xp's boss and the whole team plus a few other colleagues and friends saying, "Just to confirm that the rumours are true. XP and OW have been having an affair for 2.5 years and XP introduced OW to the whole family and encouraged her to befriend us all." XP, OW and her H all work for the same company so it must have been quite uncomfortable for them all. Good.

Actually, I did a lot worse than that but I won't go into details as it might lead people astray . They say that the best revenge is to live well. I was already living well thank you and I still have a clear conscience which is more than these infidels can say. How do they sleep at night? I couldn't live with myself if I had involved my own children in my affair. I asked xp if he had regrets and he said there's no point as you can never go back and change things. Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?

Oh Kate - that's all such good advice. Just looked at your link and you look so healthy, happy and beautiful. Your xh is obviously an idiot. Don't know anything about the site (I'm ridiculously backward about blogging/facebook etc - for some reason it just passed me by although NYR is to start learning!) so not sure how to navigate your blog (or if you can). So can I ask why you're not in your house and you xh is?

Hi - had an unbeleiveably shit day - now a bit tipsy so aplos for any poor typing or spelling errors!!

XH was supposed to come at 2 to see DD for the aft and put her to bed. 2 comes - text to say 'running late there at 330'. 4 comes I text 'where are you' - reply 'be there at 5 stuck at work' (bearing in mind he said working night not day today). 520 get text saying 'broke down, borrowing work one, be there asap'. 620 comes, text to say 'not coming'. I phone - no answer, 10 mins later he phones back. Sorry, sorry, sorry is all i really got. It's all so bullshit and so familiar yet I am devastated. I had plans to do some bits for myself this aft - only changing beds and painting toes - which to be fair i could do now DD is asleep but it's not the point!!

I went mad on phone - said I will not let him hurt DD - will not allow him to let her down, but really, wot can I do? i said I'd see him dead before he hurts her like he has me - but it's all lip service - don't know any hitmen- lol. But seriously what a twunt.

told him he has lied thru our whole relationship so dunno why I expect more now but I do - I expect more. For DD - cos it's all about her now so thought it'd be differnt

Goo - I love Glee - just hit on the defying gravity link and had a sob!!

make - don't swaet the bile - he doesn't like it as the truth hurts but if you want to save your dignity (for you not him) hit the cushions

Hi to everyone else - tried to keep up but tipsy and self-pitying are not a good shade on me xx

Hello Make you click on the arrow to the left of 'January' and you will see my entries from Dec and Nov....any date that is light grey will have a photo.

I can look back and see when I didn't post because they were dark days (except Xmas..too busy!) - but they are getting less and less.

I moved out - he told me on holiday in August that he didn't 'feel the same' about me...I knew he had been working closely with the new woman in the office but he denied it was anything to do with anyone else (DUH!)

he said he wanted to make it work - but we came home and nothing changed...I said I would move out - to give him space to think (still believing there was no OW) and I thought he would come to his senses.

He did (or so I thought) for the two weeks after I left (literally renting a few doors down the road with the girls)

The he says - he wants a complete break...I was gobsmacked - thought we were back on track.

He said - (and sure this will go down in MN history as men's shitty behaviour)

That he only slept with me during that 2 weeks to "see if he felt something...and he looked down at me...and felt nothing"

If I had known it was some little test he was doing...does he think I would have slept with him???

he was STILL denying the OW until I basically said if he didn't tell me - I would go into his work and ask her. So he finally told me in December!!!

He is a massive coward...manipulatative doesn't cover it...if he had told me he was interested in OW back when I first suspected in June (and unwilling to try to save or work on our 13 year relationship)

...does he think I would have carried on cooking, cleaning, shagging and booking weekends away for us...NO! he had to deny it...because I would have kicked his sorry arse to the kerb and HE would have had to move out...but no, he let me go...under false circumstances, uproot our children while he and OW are now free to carry on in my house.

And yeah, reading this back - I'm surprised how Zen I am!!!! :)

But, he has made his bed - and now he must lie in it. I am not concerned about him and OW. It may work out for them, it may not...but I know that there are decent men out there...and if / when I meet one, I will be a better, stronger woman because of what I've been (and will) go through because of him.

Ladies, radiate confidence, beauty, self sufficence and a healthy positive attitude to life and watch those men come flocking.

And whether we want a new man or not - it re inforces to us...that the problem is with our ex's not with us...we ARE capable of being mothers, brilliant role models to our kids *AND desirable, sexy good partners.

Oh Goat I hate it when they do that, he obviously wasn't planning to come and didn't have the balls to admit it. My H used to do that a lot, usually when he was with the OW and couldn't be bothered. Thank goodness as the months have gone on he's got his act together and now reliably comes when he says he will. You must've been livid and of course as he also let down your lovely DD.

Don't worry about typos, I do them all the time

((hugs)) lovely lady.

I am so tired may have to get an early night, but loving all the chat today and have been reading and lurking a fair amount.

Kate love the fact your threw out the aftershave

Goat -I'm so sorry you've had such a bad day - I can't believe what he's done. So incredibly for you. Bugger the beds but paint your toes right now (before you have another glass of wine or you'll be spending all night mopping up nail varnish - trust me I know )

Kate - worked out how to navigate your blog - yes I am an idiot . It's such a lovely idea and filled with so much positivity. And I love your paintings - are they yours? Really lovely

LOL - just thinking back to that day. I had to throw the aftershave away because I fleetingly thought about doing a wee in it and putting it back on the shelf.

Now, that wouldn't have been very Zen would it? :)

That's what I reckon Tea - but what I can't fathom is that it was his idea to come and he only made the arrangement yesterday and he's already living with BB so why bother!?! It's all so unnecessary. Why arrange it in the first place. to renforce his own hype of I'm a great dad - err - No - you were next to useless when living here let alone now. When he first left DD used to look for him in our bed - that was where she was used to seeing daddy - speaks fecking volumes that!!

wow kate - you are doing ao well having put up with no end os shite - that is what mine was like - reckons last few months wre an act - give the man (ha) an oscar!!

make - sod the nails the wine is a'calling

make - I wish they were mine! No, it's a local artist called Toni Rigby. She's a lovely lady and I have quite a lot of her paintings.

Funnily enough - I don't want anything else from the house and I don't feel sentimental when I go back there and I'm not materialistic (he is) but my paintings were really important to me.

kate - am inwardly chanting 'wee in it, wee in it' as if I have gone back in time to the chuck out/wee decision

Kate - oh what an arse. Really - to have you and your lovely dds move out. Grrrrr on your behalf. (Like the idea of weeing in his aftershave though - not Zen but satisfying - I may have to raid the bathroom cabinet to see if there is the very expensive Hermes aftershave I bought XH left...)

My friends when I told them the full story couldn't believe I didn't sh*t in his shoes

I confess revenge isn't something I do, just doesn't cross my mind usually. But I am smiling at the cunning on here

ahh - so according to the tits out lot.... we need to add to the getting over them and moving on advice...

"be strong capable women"
"pee in their aftershave"

I'm surprised it wasn't mentioned in any of the self help books I read. Maybe I'll write to the authors :)

Kate - just looked at your blog, lovely girls and again your so young.

LC - One day I will have to tell you what I did to DH and OW! (Nothing illegal!) Hope you are well today.

So sorry Goat :( I really feel for you...
Tea - glad you're back
Patience - Virginia Woolf here you come girl! Glad you had a tiny bit of time to yourself love - you so deserve it. I often think how fab you are having such fun with your kids when you never get a break - that must take some strength. I am also aspiring to be as warrior like as you. The boys were watching a cartoon the other day called Atomic Betty (it was crap mind) and I told them they had to start calling me Atomic Mum from now on, cos I'm strong and invincible! It's starting to feel really good being single and not being happy or sad depending upon how a man is treating me.
Kate - I've just read your journal - it's bloody great and a very moving testament to how positive and strong you are. You look good there girl! Beautiful! Legs up to your armpits pet!!!

romney Big 40 beckons in feb!

Thinking of breaking with my tradition of hating birthday and getting older by having FAB and 40 Bash!

I'm staggered at how these men behave!

I don't do revenge either - wish I could, I'm so bloody soft and understanding - but when I found exbf's profile on that webiste I did entertain fantasies about calling crimestoppers to tell them that I knew of a petty drug dealer.
Btw - I want to say thank you to BOTG and Romney for saying I look good. I was so chuffed because I feel like or I have felt like, a scruffy mess for a long time and it was so lovely to get a compliment from a woman, rather than a bloke who's full of bullshit! :)

I love looking at everyone's photos; Kate, Goo and Tea

And Kate - your ex takes the narc top prize for what he said to you regarding sex. I would have hit him. Even soft as shite me. I really would.
And as for your 40th - can we come too?!!! You should definitely have a big bash love.
He's such a fool - and your little girls are absolutely gorgeous. Shame on him. But they've got a fabulous mum, which is the most important thing :)

And Romney - HG that you are - please let us know what you did. I'm so intruiged!

Kate - mine did and said exactly the same as yours did after pouncing on me whilst I was 8 months pregnant (the last time we'd had sex before that was just before he'd walked out - when I would have conceived). In my mind whilst we were doing it I was thinking ' Ok - I'm having his baby in a month - even he wouldn't be doing this just because he fancied a shag or was testing the water - this must mean we're back together. Then came the words 'I desperately wanted to feel something but I didn't - I look at you and feel nothing'... SO unbelievable how unable they are to empathize or care about how that might be for the other person.. whilst in my H's mind I honestly think he would have been thinking 'I really tried everything I could to save my family and marriage to clouded but once that feeling is gone I'd just be lying to myself and us all if I stayed... so I'm glad I've done the decent thing' - he is one deluded fucker.

Anyway Kate - you sound amazingly strong - where does it come from?. I do have days when I am hulk like (thanks pinksmarties - advice noted) and I totally agree with everything you write but it's feeling strong that counts isn't it ? I am sensing you do not suffer from low self esteem as I think I do. It's getting better but I absorbed every word he said about me for ages (why the marriage didn't work out) and tried to make myself more perfect as I believed I wasn't x, y z enough - and needed constant reassurance from friends that everyone didn't think the same about me and agree with the reasons why he left . Only just starting to genuinely see that it's about him (as I say that I still don't fully believe it in my heart) - I have a lot of work to do. I love this thread - as many have said before - its like a feel good ,empowering, counselling session every night .

Never did any revenge stuff. really wish I had now but would seem a bit unhinged 14 months on. I am thinking quiet hulk like dignity in the knowledge that Karma will come knocking on his door one day.

Apart from that - have only just discovered Smooth FM these last 2 days and am wondering where it has it been all my life. Am so much happier dancing round kitchen with DD with DS in my arms to feel good music than I am trying to keep up with Radio 4 and Xfm just to be 'interesting and cool enough' for him.

clouded

Way back in June - when his attitude to me changed, I asked him if it was to do with OW...he denied it, but gave me a handy list of what I could do to make Him feel better in our relationship.

After he said that I basically needed to be up for sex whenever he wanted (looking back...he was mad horny from spending all day with OW) and because I wouldn't do it over the kitchen table while the girls were in the other room....i was made to feel like the un sexy partner in the relationship.

I felt like crap - my self esteem was rock bottom. I felt like I would never be attractive to anyone else. I have lost a lot of weight due to stress (was size 14 in Nov...now size 8 ) - which is actually helping me...even though I know that's my one thing that shows I'm not coping iykwim..I've suffered from 'controlled eating' before. But, in my own way - It's MY thing. I'm in control of what I'm eating...but more than that I know the underlying reasons, I associate eating with making a homecooked meal for him every night...and I can't bring myself to do that for just me.

So, I am happy with how I look - and I am getting male attention (which helps!) but I don't have high self esteem at all.

I am strong and positive - and I know the food thing seems like I'm not...but it's just something I need to do at the moment.