Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 11

[Teaandchristmascakeplease]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity

[shocked]

narcissistic personality disorder

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1.Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2.Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3.Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4.Requires excessive admiration
5.Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6.Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7.Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8.Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9.Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

This is my DH...

It's a revelation ain't it? Really weirdly, my exh and exbf couldn't be more different externally (exh big goerdie alpha male, exbf, long tall skinny hippy) and yet both of them are narcs.
It makes me feel better to know that I'm susceptible to narcs. a: I know what to avoid in future b: I know that my kind of swet and laid back nature in relationships is just what narcs are looking for c: I know it wasn't my fault that they fell out of love with me because a narc only loves himself.

Hi 5s cloudy
This is real female emancipation,
U will never look at a bloke the same way again.

XHi 5s cloudy
This is real female emancipation,
U will never look at a bloke the same way again.

Goo I gotta see occupational health next week at work, they dont think im well enough to be at work- I only had two days off and one was when i was sent home sobbing.

They dont realise that more time on my hands is what i dont need- will only stress even more about the students as noone else can teach for me. It doesnt help that we both work at the same place though- we have seperate centres though when i have to go to his I am always nervous about bumping into him

I know what you mean but I found that the time off just let me slow down, cry during the day when I needed to and also sort out loads of paperwork, so that when I went back I was really organised with the solicitor and house etc and over the initial bursting into tears at school phase. I think you should. You don't need occ health either. I went to the doctor and she signed me off with stress for two weeks, then I went back and she signed me off for another two weeks. I had a doctor's note that was sent into school via my dad. And as for noone else being able to teach for you - they'll find someone. Noone is indispensable (unfortunately) and your health is more imprortant at this time. If you don't have some time off now to really sort yourself, you could drag on being upset at work for months and that would be awful for you. Btw - noone can make you see occ health at this early stage. Get a doctor's note lovey.

teaandcake are you there please?

Or anyone, can you please just tell me how to get past the denial stage of this grieving process. deep down, i know he's not coming back but i cant help but have that flicker of hope all the time.

how do i move on? i'm so low, i just feel broken.

I'm the same. keep hoping he realises he's made a mistake. Can't get my head around it. Wish I how long it takes to feel better.

queen-i wish i could help you but i am in the same place as you,maybe thinking ahead to this time next year,after living without him for a year i am sure i will not still be feeling like this,that everytime my phone goes its going to be him saying he wants to come back.i dont know ,i really dont i just keep thinking about what someone else posted earlier along lines of"he does not love you,does not want you,is not thinking about you,is getting on with their life with out you" ,this makes me remember that all the hope feelings are just a waste of my time/energy.That helps a tiny bit but its still crap.

Just let it happen QC ,The fact u can write it down is a big step towards acceptance.I still get moments when I think ,how could he? But its more a shock thing a disbelief of my situation .Everyday u live UR new life will bring u out of denial ,I think it is natures way to let us accept things a bit at a time ,we couldn't cope with the whole shock all at once.

Hi QC - I'm glad you are back posting. Keep posting my love - just get it out.
Are you on ADs? If you're not, I think you should go to docs - they have helped me so much.
Have you tried reading any books to help?
I have just read "It's called a break up because it's broken" - it wwas good and had practical hints - also quite humourous
I'm about to read Paul McKenna's "I can mend your broken heart" which has a lot of cognitive behaviour therapy things in to help you get over the exact stage you are in. You can get these books on amazon.
What helps me too is forcing myself to do things, to get out of bed, to go out - anywhere - just to do something with the kids.
I hope this helps. This too shall pass. You have to go through it to get over it. Only you can be responsible for how you feel. Remember, people who have peace and happiness don't necessarily have the best lives. They just approach life in a positive manner :)

I think it's really hard to put a time on it. I went round and round in circles but in the end found a new way forward as I had more important issues to deal with at home (with Ds) and started to find that there were things I could do that I enjoyed that were much less painful than staying with the pain of xh.

In my case I also knew that in reality things hadn't been right for years and that I would be better to be free from him.

All I can really say is that you do need to grieve, horrible but important and that in parallel just do whatever you can to take some control and do things you can enjoy, sport, music, chats with friends, walking, pampering, just anything.

Good post Patience. Yes, I think the shock and disbelief are the worst. The hardest thing is to finally accept that he doesn't want you and isn't thinking of you because this makes you feel like shit. But remember - it's his problem not something that is wrong with you. You are the same person you always have been (just a bit sadder and emotionally bruised) but the same person. And you will be a stronger person for all of this.

queencat and Where - I also wish I can help you but I am very much grieving myself.

I do not know whether it is progress for me(and the more experienced dumplings will probably advise) but I now hate XH with so much venom and bitterness that it is unimaginable and that is so totally out of character for me. But now, if he were lying on the floor having a heart attack, I would walk right past. That just illustrates how much of my soul, humanity and goodness he has sucked from me!

That IS progress lovely lady! Keep being angry - it really helps! :)

Citydoll, I wish I could feel that hate. I'm being pathetic wishing he'll come back to me and feeling utterly miserable because I know he won't - ever.

I think hate can make us proactive for positive change eventhough it isn't the nicest emotion to feel.

Anything has got to be better than misery

Like you wherecan, I dont hate him although my brain tells me i should. I love him and rationalise his treatment being due to him being hurt and not the dh i know. Like all of our dh/dp they are getting on with their lives and not missing us - we are our own worst enemies for letting this continue- THEY CAN ONLY HURT US IF WE LET THEM ...

I guess im still in denial although im getting through it, each day i realise that the chances are becoming slimmer, although my heart still races when i get a text, i still look out for him when i go out- DETACH DETACH

Its work in progress and for many of us we have got through our 1st christmas and yes glad its over. Packed up the tree today and getting ready to move on- My NYR to look after myself and my dds and I guarantee next christmas will be so much better for us all. Chin up XXX

Thanks googoo. Glad i am doing something right - it is also very easy to hate when just 6 months ago, he was totally denying the existence of the OW and he has in the last month, been flaunting her in front of his family (who have, surprise, surprise, totally accepted her).

I agree that hatred is a horrible emotion but at least it stops me crying for two days! How much tears can a person store!

Hi City, no hate is good. I just wish i did Hate him, but i guess your further on than me.xx

There is light at the end of the tunnel but the tunnel can be quite long and dark. Keep focused on the light and keep walking with your head up, towards it.

Your husbands/partners aren't the be all and end all. I thought mine was but the pedastal he was on has now evaporated.

Be kind to yourselves ladies, you are your own best friends. If you distract yourselves from the misery as much as possible then you will get to the light much quicker.

Good post Pink. I have spent the past year thinking about nothing else but a man who wasn't quite in love with me. It's taken a massive effort but I've started to remember how to enjoy life without him - nothing major, just enjoying being at home, watching tv with the kids, talking to my mum, cleaning the house, doing schoolwork (yes, even that!) and it's working. I'm starting to have a peaceful life and the man is, as Pink says, evaporating. He wasn't the be all and end all afterall. In fact, he was standing at the top of a very short cul de sac, in which I was rapidly becoming stuck!

Where - this is the way I drum up the hatred. I think about the 37 years we have been together and from year 1, mentally listing all the major things I have done for him, whether emotional support, financial support, cups of tea, whatever, etc and how he has completely dismissed it all and thrown everything away, including relationship with DS for OW. Speaking now from experience, I can generate about 37 years of hatred which will last me a lifetime.

And his family upsets me as well - "We cannot take sides, we love you very much but you are both adults and you have made your decision, blah, blah, blah, we will always be there for you, blah, blah, blah but we have had meals / met up with OW but we care for you, blah, blah, blah. It just sickens me to my back teeth and so have made NYR never to see them again!

Sorry - all this hatred!

Well, just been on another thread and this should give you all hope. It's from a lady who hasn't been on here but started her own thread when she found out her dh had an OW:

Well, my divorce came through just before Xmas. Married 20 years. Remember being on here back in March 2010 giving reasons why my husband had left me..saying there wasn't another woman etc. MNs saying yes there probably was...and yes there was and my world just crashed down around me.

In a much happier place now, hard realisation that the marriage had been really crap for more years than I care to admit. I just normalised everything. He could have hit me over the head with a shovel and I'd still have thought that was normal.

So much happier now. Went back up North over Xmas and had a date with a guy I met at a school reunion in August, lovely time. Just a peck on the cheek at the end of the evening, but that's about all I'm ready for.He phoned New Years Eve and we brought in the New Year together on the phone, watching the fireworks on BBC1...more fun than it sounds!

Thanks to all MNers who helped me through and a Happy New Year to all!!!!

xxxx