Sister has disowned me :(

[SisHatesMe]

I'm a regular but have name changed, I know a couple of people on here IRL and don't want to discuss it yet:(

Got an email this morning from my sister saying that she wanted nothing more to do with me. I'm at a loss really. We've just spent Christmas together (my family, DB and his girlfriend, DS and her DH and my parents) and although she was a little touchy at times everything seemed fine.

In the email she said that she can't stand me monopolizing the whole family any longer and that she'd prefer it if I stayed away from our parent's house when she wanted to visit.

Not even sure I can give any relevant background. She's always had this idea that I'm "the favourite" and that DB is "the golden boy", which is simply not true. I thought she'd let it go, we're in our thirties now! She's very high maintenance, dislikes it when you disagree with her and takes offence at the least thing. However we've never had any major falling out, just normal family bickering.

The monopolizing thing comes from the fact that our mother looks after my DSs two days a week while I work. She's pregnant with her first, due in February. She isn't going back to work but thinks that DM won't have any time for her and her baby which is not true, DM is very excited about the new baby. She's been very moody during her pregnancy but I didn't see this coming.

I'm devastated by this email. My parents will be shattered if I can't resolve this somehow. I just don't know what to do, it's as though she has lost the plot completely.

sounds to me like she really does have an issue with you and has taken a very brave step to remove you from her life. she must have reached a point where she believes you are having a negative effect on her life.

have you replied and asked her to clarify teh issue and offer to meet and resolve it?

I would think it is just hormones if this is out of character for her.

One of my sisters is pure evilw hen she is pregnant or due on. SHe actually chased me through the house with a carving knife once

I would leave it a few days to let her cool down and then go and visit her to have a chat. Let her know how hurt you are and how much you care about her and want to support her.

do you get on with her DH ? If so it might be worth trying to talk to him first.

It might be best to ignore the email altogether and not make an issue of it, and hope she gets over things once the baby is born.

Or you can talk to your parents and see what they think - I guess you are the best judge of what is best in your own family.

Hope things work out.

Why is it up to you to resolve this? Do you feel obliged to do so for your parents' sake?

Do you think they will blame you if it isn't resolved?

You're not the one sending mad emails she is - don't see how you have to be the one to sort it out.
Fair enough, talk to her about it to see what her story is, but don't feel it's your fault.

What was she touchy about?

you know i really hated it when EXp blamed our fallouts on my hormones. the cause of teh argument would have been there with or without me being pregnant, just the fact that i was more sensitive meant that i was less willing to hold my tongue and the impending arrival of my baby made it all the more important for me to have positive people in my life so i actually find it quite belittling to blame thsi onhormones when actually this girl may have been biting her tongue for years and has found her voice now when she realsies how much of an impact a negative relationship can have on her and her baby.

Quite often the first child is the way for the scapegoated child to start to come to terms with their dysfunctional family, it sounds like this is the catalist she needed to be away from the negativity.

She's never been this melodramatic before, that's true. I understand hormones and all that and have tried to be as supportive as possible. I am really hurt by her email.

I get on fine with her DH, he's a nice bloke. I could contact him but don't want to upset her further. If people disagree with her she feels that she is being ganged up on. I'll talk to my parents eventually but I don't want to upset DM.

I haven't replied at all yet, I want to get my head together first.

I don't think she can control when you visit your parents but equally if she feels she needs to be their sole focus when she visits you might be best leaving her to it?

I would hang back from any sort of response just yet.

This is very hurtful but she obviously has a point of view that she has been desperately hurt as well.

If it were me I'd approach it with the view that 1)less said in heat of the moment the better, 2)you have the right to be loved by your parents and not feel apologetic towards her for that 3)you respect the fact that she feels hurt and will agree to her terms whilst maintaining point 2!

If you want to sort out the issues, I would go and ask your sister if you can please speak to her and find out what the problem is, she is expecting you to "know" and you have no idea the way you are around her is "toxic"

Werewolf, nothing in particular. She can be like that even when not pregnant, very sensitive to comments, seems to think they're directed at her when they're not.

I am snorting a bit at her being scapegoated. I understand the concept Mummie but she's always been the one that the rest of the family has had to keep sweet.

Can you tell me more about the family having to keep your sister sweet?

I think that I would be replying that I am sorry you feel this way. I don't have a problem with you at all. I would like to sort this out because i do not understand what you feel I have done to you. I would benefit from some examples of how you feel I monopolise the family.

However, I feel that since you have a problem with me, and not the other way round, then it is up to you to avoid coming into contact with me, not me with you. So I am afraid that I will not avoid people when I think you may be there, if you wish to avoid people when you think I may be there, that is of course your choice.

If, otoh, you would prefer to address this issue and sort it out, I would welcome that.

-

I just think that you can't agree to her demands. they are ludicrous.

Sorry, just catching up.

I do feel obliged to make this better somehow, for all of our sakes really but particularly for my DM who will be really upset by this.

If this is what she truly wants then there isn't a lot I can do, is there? I'm certainly not going to force my company on someone who seems to despise me.

This entire situation is very sad and confusing. DSis actually has a very loving family who would do anything for her. She has always been so negative and I have never known why but this is unreal.

hec that is a great response. Op should not feel she has to avoid her own family because her sister doesn't wish to be around her.

I would reply "Ok, I've got your email. If you let me know when you are visiting Mum and Dad (or ask them to let me know) I will not visit at the same time."

And leave it at that. If she has more to say she will email again.

MummieHunnie, Dsis has always been very sensitive and liable to get upset about the least thing. Her belief that others treat her badly is not reserved for our immediate family, it has been the case throughout her life, friends, work etc.

As a family we spend a lot of time soothing ruffled feathers and trying to make her feel better. Well, not so much my DB, but he lives further away now.

I wouldn't, bibbity. I really think that the OP should not avoid the family at all.

Far better to put it back on the sister. even "ok, I've got your email. By all means check with mum and dad to make sure I am not there or going there before you visit."

If the sister wants them to stay apart, she is the one who should make sure that happens. Not put it on the OP.

So she feels like the family scapegoat and a scapegoat in general, that is all pretty normal for someone who has been a family scapegoat!

It seems to me she needs to take this up with your mother as she does seem annoyed that your mum minding your children is the main issue. This is your mother's decision, to take care of the kids, nothing to do with her. In fact, I would see it as her wishing to monopolise your mother's time and attention and not being able to fully due to this.

My elder sister is the first born and truely is tied to mum's apron strings, even if she doesn't see it. Mum looked after sister's first child to let her work and yet now she talks as though no one ever helped her. I live too far away to ask them to watch my ds and that's fine. I only have the one and I think mum is too old now, and too tired. But my other sister calls in mum frequently for favours and it winds elder sister up no end. She seems to resent mums time going to anyone else. Maybe your sister feels like this?

Either way, I don't think you have done anything wrong, from what you have said and I would be inclined to ignore her email until she brings it up. It's not you who has the issue so you don't need to 'fix' it.

Hec and Bibbity, that is my immediate response. But I feel desperately sad about it. For all she can be a pain I love her, she's my sister :(

Although I suspect all this is an attempt to manipulate the OP and the parents into crowding round her and begging her to allow them to be in her company.

Which is why the best response is to give her what she asks for - but make her responsible for ensuring it happens.

Mummie, as I understand it a scapegoat is a person who has been singled out for blame. That isn't the case, I can assure you. What could she be blamed for?

I think your sister has more to say on the subject, or at least needs to explain herself more, and I think you need to open a dialogue with her. By replying to her email and agreeing to what she says without arguing then I think you will get more from her. You are not really aquiescing (sp?) you are putting the ball back in her court.

Sis, quite often when there is dysfunction, it is difficult to see, if a grown woman is telling you by her behaviour for some time and now in writing that she feels that she is not being treated as she should then you need to pay attention, often dysfuctional families will form time to time stop ruffled feathers, to keep eveyone in check! I think she is angry at your mother more than you actually, and is too scared to tell your mother! You both seem scared of upsetting Mother!