Sister has disowned me :(

[SisHatesMe]

I'm a regular but have name changed, I know a couple of people on here IRL and don't want to discuss it yet:(

Got an email this morning from my sister saying that she wanted nothing more to do with me. I'm at a loss really. We've just spent Christmas together (my family, DB and his girlfriend, DS and her DH and my parents) and although she was a little touchy at times everything seemed fine.

In the email she said that she can't stand me monopolizing the whole family any longer and that she'd prefer it if I stayed away from our parent's house when she wanted to visit.

Not even sure I can give any relevant background. She's always had this idea that I'm "the favourite" and that DB is "the golden boy", which is simply not true. I thought she'd let it go, we're in our thirties now! She's very high maintenance, dislikes it when you disagree with her and takes offence at the least thing. However we've never had any major falling out, just normal family bickering.

The monopolizing thing comes from the fact that our mother looks after my DSs two days a week while I work. She's pregnant with her first, due in February. She isn't going back to work but thinks that DM won't have any time for her and her baby which is not true, DM is very excited about the new baby. She's been very moody during her pregnancy but I didn't see this coming.

I'm devastated by this email. My parents will be shattered if I can't resolve this somehow. I just don't know what to do, it's as though she has lost the plot completely.

I agree with custy also. It's a tantrum in an email and massively attention seeking.

Poor you Sishatesme...
Do you get on well with your DB? IF so I would post her email to him to get his opinion and perspective.
Perhaps he can see something in your behaviour you don't realise you are doing or perhaps he'll just confirm she's jealous and manipulative.
I don't actually think you should sit, stew and deal with this on your own, I have a feeling that maybe is what your sister wants. Perhaps she recognises that you won't want to upset the rest of the family.
In all honesty she doesn't sound like someone I'd want to spend a lot of time placating but I appreciate your love her.

The worst thing you can do if the family is dysfunctional is at this stage involve others, bad idea, best way to create a drama!

Best to be straight and deal with your sister yourself, and be open to what she has to tell you, whilst protecting yourself.

of course, this family may not be dysfunctional Mummie, just include 1 pregnant, jealous, over dramatic, sister.

I think 'dysfunctional family' can be overused - I mean does anyone come from a family that is not just a little dysfunctional, did anyone have a perfect childhood and parents who managed to bring up children without even a touch of sibling rivalry?

I agree pinkplant there are dysfunctional families and there are your average, muddling through and getting it wrong sometimes families.

There are frequent posts on MN about 'is it wrong that I prefer my first born?' and suchlike. That is a sad fact, some mothers prefer certain kids, as do fathers for that matter. Phillip Larkin was spot on, it does cause untold damage but is it something one can change? I guess you can hide your feelings but you still have them. I know my mum spent more time on the eldest but as an adult I now know it's because she was so demanding and so unhappy. Mum started off saying she would outgrow it when she started school, then it was, 'she'll change when she gets a job/partner/house/kids/green hair..

She hasn't changes, she just is a deeply unhappy woman and no one is to blame. She has had oodles of attention and love, in some ways maybe too much.

Maybe op's sister is just destined to never be satisfied.

OP hasn't mentionned anything that suggests her family is seriously dysfunctional (as in there being real problems in the family or some kind of abuse)

Last post wasnt reponse to you perfumed. I agree that what happens in families has a massive effect as children grow up - and causes damage undoubtedly.

I've also got a sister who blames me and half the family for a whole litany of minor (to us, and, yes, I recognise that it's not minor to her) injustices against her.

With my sister and maybe it's the same with the OP's sister, I think she does just need to get to grips with the fact that yes, it wasn't the perfect family or upbringing. But whose is?

It's as if they haven't yet got to the stage of realising that your parents were just actually youngish adults trying to do the best they could, and sometimes getting it wrong. (Obviously if there was sexual or physical or real emotional abuse in the family that is entirely a different matter - but I'm not talking about that here).

The op says her sister hates her. The OP says it is hormones, then she says her sister is always this way.

OP, You have a sister that you say has always been negative but you are a loss as to why.

But then you go on to say
"She is put out by achievements; she doesn't say anything but then won't contact anyone for a week.

TheSecondComing, I would certainly say that she's a drama queen. She is! And her belief that she's treated in a particular way is not just for her family, it includes friends and people at work. I do like her though, when she forgets to be offended by everything she can be great."

I can understand how you feel hurt, but I would be extremely hurt if my family described me as being put out by achievements (is the insinuation that she is a loser, and you and your other siblings are the achievers?).

I don't get it. Obviously the relationship has broken down and this is a shock to you.

I think all you can do is look at your behaviour and see whether you contributed to the state of affairs, this will mean being open and honest with yourself and your sister.

If you came at me, while I was pregnant and said I was hormonal I would think you were being mean and spiteful.

Just give her a ring and ask to talk about it. Nothing will get solved in an email - the words can be misinterpreted too easily.

FWIW, I felt very much like your sister for years: felt my brother was the golden boy, felt overlooked & underappreciated in my family. Poor DB had no idea - but I hated him for all the attention he got, & what he got away with. Then I had a lot of therapy & realised my 'perfect' parents had always very subtly played us off against each other. He doesn't know to this day - why would he, he had a very different relationship with our parents than me - but now that I can see what my mum & dad are up to, we get on great. And I no longer feel the need for amateur dramatics to get attention. I no longer feel aggrieved. And I also still love my parents very much.

So... my point is that your relationship with your parents is completely different to her relationship with your parents. She may well be pissed off at them, but taking it out on you. She may well not even realise this.

But giving her the opportunity to talk; to really be listened to - rather than just discounted or 'soothed' - might be all she needs.

Or yes she might just be a PITA. But emails won't solve owt.

Call her, give her the opportunity to talk. Tell her you love her & that the door is always open. And then if she doesn't respond, walk away & remember that this is not your fault, nor your responsibility to 'fix'. Ulitmately, it's hers.

Good luck, you sound like a lovely person.

To be honest, the OP sounds just as much of a drama queen as her sister. This terror of upsetting her mother (like her mother doesn't know her daughter is a drama queen?) what is she going to do, have a nervous breakdown? take to her bed? forever?

Why this protecting mummy from the truth? surely she has knows there is conflict? why would it be so bloody awful for mum to know?

I bang on about this, because that is an abnormal reaction...protect a parent at all costs from a child's (reasonable or unreasonable feelings) ...

The OP says she has all the knowledge, knows her sister is unreasonable and drama queeny, that the whole family have agreed this....

The function of a scapegoat is to act out the bad things in a family, the enable the family to isolate the negative within one person, blame the person, while everyone else gets to congratulate themselves on being more adult and less "trouble"

all rather classic.

OP is convinced that all is rosy in the family apart from here sister, oh, and a mum who musn't be upset by this appalling development of siblings falling out. Good grief!
We all know families , functional and dysfunctional, pootle along due to goodwill, occasional denial and kindness. No parent would be that distraught to find out her children had fallen out, I can imagine rolling eyes and being pissed off, but not devastated.

Sounds like there are an awful lot of roles being assigned in this family, and OPs sis got the short straw.

You might not agree, but she is more than entitled to decide she doesn't want to play that role anymore.

I just wanted to post to say that a person's perception of a situation is very important no matter how 'wrong' they may seem to be. If your sister feels less loved or less important then that feeling must be very real to her and very upsetting. Some people are very sensitive to relationship dynamics and pick up on minute details of interraction and can become very offended. Whether your sister is oversensitive, irrational or deluded is sort of irrelevant. She feels of less value and is hurt enough to write to you like this.

She may have been a little cowardly by attacking you rather than addrssing your parents, but to challenge one's parents is very difficult indeed. She has taken the easier option - like a lot of women do when their DH has an affair - they appeal to or attack the OW rather than the DH.

I hope you can see this and use it to try and build bridges.

I've been thinking about this sort of situation as have been posting on a thread about childhood abuse today and how lack of validation of one's own truth is so hurtful. I'm not likening the abuse part to your situation, but the ackowledging her truth is very important.

Call her or write to her and let her tell you how it feels as her, and believe her. She's your sister and has no reason to make up these feelings. If she is mentally unwell and imagining some strange reality she needs support and to be believed.

Thanks everyone, I'm still reading and re-reading responses.

Snowyweather, my DSis has always been negative and often said (as a teen in particular but occasionally as an adult) that she was overlooked. If anything as a family we overcompensated because of this. I said that she has been much more sensitive since she has been pregnant.

She is put out by achievements but that doesn't mean that she is a low achiever in comparison. On the contrary, she is very successful in her field. I could give many examples of her response to other's achievements but I won't bore you with them. We've never spoken about this of our relationship.

I have NEVER said to her that she is hormonal. I wouldn't dream of it, especially having been pregnant (and occasionally hormonal) three times myself. This attitude is entirely normal for her, it just seems to have been thrown into overdrive during her pregnancy.

Sufi, I tried to ring her this tea time thinking 'this is daft, ring her!' but she didn't answer her mobile. I'm going to go and draft an email now.

I'm still so unhappy about this situation. It might seem that I've been very negative about DSis, but her good points outweigh her bad, just like I imagine most folk's do. She can be kind, compassionate and generous. She is a fantastic aunt. This entire situation is bizarre.

Madame, maybe I am being overly dramatic. To be honest this is probably one of the most 'dramatic' things I've ever had to deal with, outside of teenage silliness.

I'm not terrified of upsetting DM but the suggestion that someone is going to essentially divide a quite close family is going to be upsetting. No, of course she won't have a nervous breakdown. But she will be unhappy. I haven't told anyone yet, not just my mother.

I didn't say I knew everything, or that the whole family has agreed that DSis is unreasonable. Maybe I have been too negative about her in this thread, which you may think is unfair.

It would be my opinion that when it comes to 'roles', DSis has done the assigning. So of course she is 'entitled to decide she doesn't want to play that role anymore'. I'm not quite sure why I should take the fall for it though.

...

It just seems like such a circular argument. As a family you recognise people's flaws. I know they recognise mine. So if a person repeats the behaviour constantly, where do you go from there? Ignore until it stops? Let them carry on with it? Is the person a 'victim', are others at fault for ever pointing out the flaw in the first place?

Sorry, navel gazing now I think!

Hi Sishates me,

My sister is like this, awkward with a lot of things and seems to want to be the centre of attention all the time and if shes not getting the limelight she starts creating a drama to get the attention. She is successful more than me I would say but still she gets awakward. My mum is also like this. So it is difficult and in some ways I think my mum has instilled alot of insecurities in us both, as I do have my own insecurities in other ways eg issues with confidence/self worth etc too however I dont act like my sister who comes across as jealous and focuses on the negative and generally doesnt seem happy if something good happens to me etc.

I was just wondering has you mum ever been similar to mine trying to play us off against one another and doesnt create the atmosphere where you should love one another in your family not bicker and criticise. Theres always a drama in our family but alot of this has come from my mum.

Can I give you a hug?

My brother is weird. I think he thinks I am the golden child, but the thing is he has such a nasty, bullying streak that it must make it hard for my mum to get along with him.

They had a stupid row on Christmas day, she has sad sorry (although she was in the wrong, he was more in the wrong) and he hasn't spoken to her since.

It's really shitty, I feel like crap as I tried to smooth things out and all it will probably result in is him telling my mum that I thought one thing she said was unreasonable (which it was, but he was a lot more unreasonable than she was and it was him who caused the argument.)

I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it, so I can't imagine how you must be feeling :(

Sis, your last post sounds very emotionally aware! I don't think anyone has said that it is your fault, I know I have said before that this is probably more about your mother than you. I think you are so right about your sister wanting to change her role/script, it is often a difficult transition for those around you when you do change your script! sometimes in order to change your script you need space to grow.

Sis - my DSIS is just like this and I have never been able to work out what my parents did to deserve the treatment she gave them.

My DSIS was also very violent towards me throughout my childhood and continues to be a volatile, frankly unhinged individual (towards everyone, not just the family)

She terrorises her own DCs which is heartbreaking but there is nothing we can do about it.

Mummie, why are you so adamant that the OP's family must have made her DSIS like this?

Just because that is your experience does not mean it is true of all families.

IMO some people are just born like this.

I dont think that ALL people behave in a certain way as a result of parenting, be it bad or good. I know plenty of people who are LOVELY and have utter F"Kwads as parents. I also know some utter F"Kwads who have lovely parents.

While I realise that parenting and family circumstances have a significant cause and effect relationship in the majority of cases, there are a few that buck the trend.

To add to my post up there ^ I sent my brother a text at 2pm today asking if he would like to come to lunch tomorrow as my dad and his family are coming, still no reply :( God I feel like crap, families and Christmas, eh?

PinkElephantsOnParade you say she terrorises her kids but you can't do anything, should social services be involved?

Fudge, she lives on a different continent and the terrorising never gets physical, consists of constant yelling which has made them both nervous wrecks.

Too difficult to pin down exactly and as we are now so far away we don't know what we can do.

Sis, thank you for your response to my points. I think it is clear you do care very much for her, and she is lucky to have you.

Can you sense a "but'? . The but would be that you experience your family from your perspective, she experiences it from hers. Which is not a excuse for bad, narcissistic behaviour on her part...far from it (I have a brother who is such a nightmare makes your sis look like a someone politely disagreeing with your paint colour choice but I know why he is the way he is. It doesn't make him easier, and I have finally washed my hands of him, but I do understand why he is so damaged, and pity him deeply for it. There but for the grace of god go I...etc.

Sometimes its easier when people have a clearly signposted 'reason" for being difficult. But over the years, being difficult can be built up into a persona its hard to shake in a family dynamic. It can stem from being a "difficult baby', awkward child, unhappy teenager, and often families collude in this person's role as the difficult one (and frequently it is justified by difficult behaviour"

All I can say is that if your sister feels such a towering grievance, pointing out to her that you feel its unjustified won't help. Think those things by all means, but from what you have said she seems to feel very unheard....

even nice families do damage. It doesn't make you evil, it makes you human. She is very vulnerable at the moment, and possibly is lashing out at a huge pile of inconsequential slights (as she percieves them) which amount to a feeling of being unvalued and unloved, despite her deep grained habit of behaving badly to get attention.

These are just thoughts. . I think you would do well however to not overdramatise it...it really isn't the end of the world if you fall out, and possibly its a chance for change and a better relationship with her.

Sometimes unconditional love is very hard to give, but sometimes its what people need.

I think she might be scared but not sure how to say it as she might think you all will take it wrong as it's her first it's a scary world at the end of pregnancy and beginning of sleepless nights a nappy changing she may feel that she's alone and as you seem to be coping well ( to her) she might feel she'll let you down by saying something so the easier thing to do is be hot headed push you away so you don't see this
Maybe but I remember my 1st bump and was so worried bout doing it all wrong and was completely kakking it lol