Sister has disowned me :(

[SisHatesMe]

I'm a regular but have name changed, I know a couple of people on here IRL and don't want to discuss it yet:(

Got an email this morning from my sister saying that she wanted nothing more to do with me. I'm at a loss really. We've just spent Christmas together (my family, DB and his girlfriend, DS and her DH and my parents) and although she was a little touchy at times everything seemed fine.

In the email she said that she can't stand me monopolizing the whole family any longer and that she'd prefer it if I stayed away from our parent's house when she wanted to visit.

Not even sure I can give any relevant background. She's always had this idea that I'm "the favourite" and that DB is "the golden boy", which is simply not true. I thought she'd let it go, we're in our thirties now! She's very high maintenance, dislikes it when you disagree with her and takes offence at the least thing. However we've never had any major falling out, just normal family bickering.

The monopolizing thing comes from the fact that our mother looks after my DSs two days a week while I work. She's pregnant with her first, due in February. She isn't going back to work but thinks that DM won't have any time for her and her baby which is not true, DM is very excited about the new baby. She's been very moody during her pregnancy but I didn't see this coming.

I'm devastated by this email. My parents will be shattered if I can't resolve this somehow. I just don't know what to do, it's as though she has lost the plot completely.

I agree with Quiddity, it is often a horrible shock for the golden child to realise, and come to terms with the reality.

Sorry, should have put part of that better: she seems to be blaming you for being the favourite, when, if that was the case, it wasn't your fault. So even if her anger and hurt are is justified she is misdirecting them at you.
Also, I wanted to add that denial and silence are a huge part of dysfunction. My toxic mother would rather die than have an argument with anyone, but is a master of using passive-aggressiveness to get her own way. There doesn't have to be major falling out, screaming or throwing things for a family to be abusive or dysfunctional.

I'd be inclined to totally and utterly ignore the email.

OP doesn't have a problem with the sister, not does she have a problem with her mother.

Why should SisHatesMe rearrange her life just on the strength of one odd email?

The issues lie with the sister, not OP.

MummieHunnie - my mum has never dealt with it, I think she thinks she is some way to blame for my sisters behaviour over the years. Sister is Golden Child in my eyes - she has been given a house to live in for 20 years and even though has earn't a very good salary has not spent a penny on the house that she has had for next to nothing in rent. Mum has furnished it, put in new bathrooms, kitchens, carpets. Sister has had furniture from me, sofas, coffee tables etc. Everyone in our family feeds on her unhappiness and feels sorry for her which I don't understand as it only makes her worse - perhaps if she had some repercussions to her behaviour she might have grown up a bit. I could and do get very bitter about my mums lack of care towards me and just expects me to get on with my life but I try and swallow it down. For example I bought my first flat at 22, nobody helped me move in. Second flat at 28, sister helped but mum was no where to be seen and didn't come over for about a month. It needed decorating but no help offered from anyone, I cut my hand really badly when re-decorating the lounge so my mum paid her partner to finish the job as my birthday present. When we moved into new house nobody turned up to help but of course they come on regular occasions when I cook them all a meal. Sister has had me and husband over for a meal once in the last ooh 10 years despite living in a nice three bedroomed home she claims there is no space to entertain so prefers to come here where she can sit and smoke fags, drink wine and watch me cook, prepare and clean up afterwards, all the time moaning about how life is so unfair to her.

It seems like some people here are projecting their own family dynamics on to yours SisHatesMe. It is difficult to give very good advice because no one here knows what happened in your family when you were growing up and even you don't know why she has written this email to you. Perhaps she has good reasons, perhaps she doesn't. The only way you will find out if she does though is by talking to her and listening to what she says.

Hec, as usual, is bang on the money. The only thing I would add is that you tell her you don't have any intention of mentioning this whole situation to your DM but she is welcome to if she wishes.

If she also thinks your DB is the 'golden boy' then she should be directing this at him also.

Has he heard from her?

I think it's a bit simplistic and unfair to talk about projecting one's own family dynamics. I certainly don't imagine I can "diagnose" the problem just because I have a dysfunctional family.
It's just a question as so often on MN of offering a different perspective. The OP is baffled about her sister's feelings but some of us may have been in a similar position to her sister.
Confused, I think your mum is right if "she thinks she is some way to blame for my sister's behaviour over the years." As for why she doesn't deal with it, parents are afraid of upsetting the Golden Child and often give them a sense of entitlement. No matter how much your sister has, she will never feel it's enough.

Actually I think I would email her telling her to grow up. Who does she think she is? Telling you she would prefer you to stay away when she wants to visit!!! Is she the Queen? She is the one who wants to monopolise your mother.

If it was me I would email her back and say

"If you want to avoid seeing me then the best thing is for you to contact Mum and see if I'm there before you visit.

I don't understand what I have done to upset you in this way and am sad that you feel you need to take things to this extreme"

Quiddity - do you have any recommendations for reading on emotional abuse and its links to PTSD?

Haven't had time to read the whole thread, and haven't got time to respond properly right now, but I think Boxoffrogs' approach is sensible. I feel for you. My sister did the same to me - by email - two days after our dad died. I can't express how hurt I felt, and I'm still hurt. It was done with a view to manipulating me - I was not supposed to stand up for myself wrt dad's estate. (But I did anyway.)

The short answer is Pete Walker.

There's lots of info there, but I had a first lightbulb moment while reading his article here
where he says:
"Growing up emotionally neglected is like nearly dying of thirst just outside the fenced off fountain of a parent's kindness and interest. Emotional neglect makes children feel worthless, unlovable and excruciatingly empty, with a hunger that gnaws deeply at the center of their being, leaving them starving for human warmth and comfort."

Such interesting points made here, I'm finding it difficult to know where to start.

I can understand how difficult it is in this situation; you only know what I'm telling you, I could be lying or in denial about our family situation. I know that no one can solve this one for me, but your input really helps, from all sides!

DSis is the middle child and has always said that she felt this way. I'm the oldest and female, she feels that if I do something and she doesn't then she hasn't lived up to expectations. From my side I think that she is very successful, has a lovely home and DH, is healthy and beautiful and can be great company. I've never heard my parents compare us or insinuate that she should do what I do.

She thinks DB is also a favourite because he is a son. This does annoy me as it really is just rubbish, DB had the same opportunities we did and again, I never saw signs of favouritism from anyone, parents, grandparents or siblings. DB doesn't have a lot of time for DSis though, he dislikes what he calls her 'amateur dramatics' and doesn't want to spend his time 'stroking' her.

No one yet knows about this, I had a text from DB about 30 minutes ago and it's clear he knows nothing. DM would have been on like a shot if she got wind of this so I'm pretty certain she doesn't know.

Someone mentioned that they'd want to know if they were DM and you're right, she does need to know. She'll want to try and sort it out and talk to DSis about it and so she should. I would if it were me. I suppose I wanted to think of a way to deal with it without causing a massive fuss.

I'm going to email her back with a combination of what a few posters have mentioned: I'm sorry you feel this way, I'm willing to talk about it if you want to and if you wish to avoid me then that's up to you.

Gutted really :(

Sorry TheSecondComing: 'have you thought that denying her feelings altogether and ignoring her when she speaks might be why she is prone to dramatics...'

I'm not sure if this was directed at me. If it was, I don't deny her her feelings or ignore her. We've talked about it in the past. I'm sorry that she feels this way but whilst I can acknowledge what she's saying, I don't agree with what she's saying. I think she's wrong, although I can't for the life of me understand why she is making herself so unhappy with this.

SisHatesMe, you sound like a generous and decent person and I think you've taken all the comments here really well. Perhaps it's not as knotty and troublesome as it looks to some of us. Some therapy might be helpful for your sister but sadly you're probably the last person in the world who should suggest it.
I do think the issue might be deep-rooted and painful, though. Denial can be a very powerful force. I had a terrible shock after my father died when I was handed proof that he really had regarded my brother as more important just because he was a boyI had managed to overlook and ignore all sorts of otherwise inexplicable actions. But up till then I just couldn't have got my head round the ideaI didn't believe a reasonable person could feel that way.
Anyway, good luck. I hope you all manage to work things out.

Funny how having children raises all those issues about how much attention/love our parents gave growing up.

Forget its your sister- if a close friend of yours emailed you out of the blue and said that you monopolised the attention of a 3rd friend of yours when you were all together and that she would like to see the 3rd friend without you being there. What would you do?

Would you care enough about the relationship to sit down with her & listen to her? To honestly reflect where you had monopolised (inadvertently) or where you hadn't appreciated her enough maybe. To also give tell her the good things you felt about her and your friendship. With the aim of bettering your relationship so that you could all continue to be friends.

Or would you think that actually the relationship had run its course and that your friendship with the 3rd friend was most important? So you would dismiss the friend's concerns and lose the friendship.

If you genuinely want a good relationship with your sister, you will need to listen to her, honestly reflect on your relationship and how you treat each other.

It sounds a little like your relationship to your mother is most important to you (because you said that don't want to upset her). But if your mother really doesn't have favourites, wouldn't she be more upset that she didn't know one of her daughters felt that way? And want to resolve it herself?

Also, your comment about contacting her DH - that sounds like a very bad idea. If she is feeling sensitive about this, it'll just come across as undermining her, even if your intentions are honourable. She is one the one who is upset, she is the one you should speak to.

quiddity I'm not attacking anyone for projecting. I agree with you and SecondComing that it is normal and useful on a site like MN for people to discuss their own experiences.

I've never been on either side of this situation so I feel very dispassionate about the whole thing. If I had then I'm sure I would be leaping in saying "OP your sister is a loon just like mine" or "My family thinks I'm the loon but actually they are all BU."

Sorry, this makes sense in my head. It's 1am here so I'm going to bed. Night all.

Hope this works out OP.

Funny how having children raises all those issues about how much attention/love our parents gave growing up.

Forget its your sister- if a close friend of yours emailed you out of the blue and said that you monopolised the attention of a 3rd friend of yours when you were all together and that she would like to see the 3rd friend without you being there. What would you do?

Would you care enough about the relationship to sit down with her & listen to her? To honestly reflect where you had monopolised (inadvertently) or where you hadn't appreciated her enough maybe. To also give tell her the good things you felt about her and your friendship. With the aim of bettering your relationship so that you could all continue to be friends.

Or would you think that actually the relationship had run its course and that your friendship with the 3rd friend was most important? So you would dismiss the friend's concerns and lose the friendship.

If you genuinely want a good relationship with your sister, you will need to listen to her, honestly reflect on your relationship and how you treat each other.

It sounds a little like your relationship to your mother is most important to you (because you said that don't want to upset her). But if your mother really doesn't have favourites, wouldn't she be more upset that she didn't know one of her daughters felt that way? And want to resolve it herself?

Also, your comment about contacting her DH - that sounds like a very bad idea. If she is feeling sensitive about this, it'll just come across as undermining her, even if your intentions are honourable. She is one the one who is upset, she is the one you should speak to.

think that she is very successful, has a lovely home and DH, is healthy and beautiful and can be great company

i love her she is my sister

.........

above are some of the comments you have put down.

and it is THIS SPECIFICALLY that i think you should put in your e-mail.

then finish with ' i am sorry yu feel this way, i am very hurt and upset. i love you"

i think she needs to know that her actions have motional consequences for others too.

i don't know how long i could put up with a whiny glass half empty ...appease me ...appease me...appease me type, before i just fucked her off sister or not.

i'd try guilt and honesty first as it is clear you love her.

after that i;d have to tell her to stop being a self indulgant whiny twat

Thanks for that link quiddity. I read the article with great interest.

I'm so sorry. Really feel for you OP. I have a tempestuous relationship with my sister. Was bullied by her as a child (she is 2 years older) and in a subtle way now even though I recognise it, have addressed it and she has recognised this and even apologised once or twice , only for childhood behaviour though. However, her behaviour hasn't really changed, I perceive her to be deeply insecure, and while she can sometimes be very good company, ocassionally, the blame game and me, me, me-ness of her life view gets to me. We all had a difficult start in life, but frankly, am beginning to think life is about choice and making the most of circumstances.

My ds is at school with twins and this is the first time i have seen such small ones close-up. They are just different. Very, very different. One, really confident. The other, just as able but lacking in confidence altogether. Your sister needs to take responsibility. I also agree with the poster who suggested talking about it if she can and making it her call to tell people when she's going to visit your parents. Then she can see that this is a 'control issue'. Don't make yourself ill over this. She has got her reaction from you. Now be brave and ask her up front for examples of you 'monopolising'. Be open minded but don't forget to operate your shit-deflector too. Good luck.

What Hec has said. All of it.

I feel for you. And your sister.

Totally agree with Custy.

Just deleted my own response I'm so sure!!!