Sister has disowned me :(

[SisHatesMe]

I'm a regular but have name changed, I know a couple of people on here IRL and don't want to discuss it yet:(

Got an email this morning from my sister saying that she wanted nothing more to do with me. I'm at a loss really. We've just spent Christmas together (my family, DB and his girlfriend, DS and her DH and my parents) and although she was a little touchy at times everything seemed fine.

In the email she said that she can't stand me monopolizing the whole family any longer and that she'd prefer it if I stayed away from our parent's house when she wanted to visit.

Not even sure I can give any relevant background. She's always had this idea that I'm "the favourite" and that DB is "the golden boy", which is simply not true. I thought she'd let it go, we're in our thirties now! She's very high maintenance, dislikes it when you disagree with her and takes offence at the least thing. However we've never had any major falling out, just normal family bickering.

The monopolizing thing comes from the fact that our mother looks after my DSs two days a week while I work. She's pregnant with her first, due in February. She isn't going back to work but thinks that DM won't have any time for her and her baby which is not true, DM is very excited about the new baby. She's been very moody during her pregnancy but I didn't see this coming.

I'm devastated by this email. My parents will be shattered if I can't resolve this somehow. I just don't know what to do, it's as though she has lost the plot completely.

I agree with others who say that then it is up to her to check whether or not you will be at your mothers & decide whether or not to go.

As for the rest, she doesn´t want to see you & I think that you should respect that tbh.

I've been thinking a lot about your post overnight. For reasons I don't really want to go into, it has resonated with me. My family are lovely but it's true to say that I do sometimes feel insecure about them and feel they prefer my sister.

I think a lot of the analysis on this has been very extreme though, and a lot of people are bringing their own issues to the party, and are assuming an extreme situation and blatant favouritism whereas I suspect the issue is a little more complex. There are a million different reasons why your sister has low self-esteem, yes within the family but possibly not only within the family, and blithely assuming that must (and can only) be the family's fault is something I disagree with deeply. She could have been bullied from an early age at school, for example, or have had a bad relationship, or be by nature a pessimist. Or be depressed.

SisHatesMe, the thing is you love your sister and it's clear you are close as you have put your finger on some of the reasons she may be pressing the nuclear button in this way.

I think before you give up on your relationship altogether you need to rule out the possibility this is a cry for help and affection (at this stage you've little to lose, after all). Your mum needs to reassure your sister that her child will be every bit as cherished as her existing grandchildren, and that help will be available with childcare, and that if there's a clash, well then sometimes she'll have to say no to her, but sometimes she'll also have to say no to you. But that it will be equal.

I also think you need to do more to cultivate your relationship with your sister away from the family unit. You're adults now and there's no reason you have to stay within the parents - children dynamic. My sister and I have a much happier relationship (and we are very close) when we do our own thing.

It's true you shouldn't have to stay out of your sister's way but look at it another way. Your sister would benefit from a bit of one-on-one with your Mum at the moment, and it would be a generous thing to allow.

Totally agree with Custy as well - it's time the L word was used, a lot.

I wanted to say thank you to every poster that has spent time on this thread. It has been an enormous help to me at a time when I didn't want to discuss the situation with anyone in real life. I wish I could reply to everyone, the suggestions and insights have been remarkable.

I sent what I think was a honest email in which I included many of the points mentioned. That I don't understand what has triggered this but that I'm happy to discuss it. That I love her very much. That if she really wishes to avoid me then I won't force my company on her. That I think she should talk to our parents about this. I sent it this morning after trying to ring her again and I haven't heard anything back. Shit, now I'm crying again.

I'm going to re-read this thread, try and take more of it on board, then I'm going to crack a bottle of wine and have some of the kids' Christmas chocolate. There's no way they can eat it all

Thank you once again.

Hope it gets a good response Sis, for what it's worth, if she loses you as a sister she will lose a lot. You sound fab, you seem fair and balanced and i would not want to lose a sister like you.

I agree with the above poster.

I'd have you as my sister :)

Good luck, Sis.

I hope you make progress.

I think it's interesting that a lot of the people who have 'difficult' siblings, have said that the siblings feel hard done by when in fact the parents have lavished time and money on them. As a 'difficult' sibling myself (actually, I'm not difficult any more, but I still feel the injustices as acutely) it's not about money or time, but about the fact that you weren't given the same emotional gifts as your siblings. No amount of time or money can make up for that.

MrsCasaubon - what do you mean by emotional gifts?

Would genuinely like to know, it might help me to understand some of my own sister's bizarre behaviour.

Sis, that sounds like a lovely email, I hope all turns out well for the two of you now x

MrsCasaubon - I agree, maybe no amount of time or money would make up for not being given the same emotional gifts.
But "difficult siblings" (your phrase) in this position then seem to devote a lot of their lives to making everyone else feel really guilty about the fact that they (the difficult sibling) isn't happy. If nothing is ever going to make up for it, why not accept that what has happened has happened and stop making everyone else unhappy as well?

Pinkplant, that's why I am no longer difficult. I made myself get over it because it was horrible for everyone - including me. But I have huge sympathy for people who can't get over it. A sense of injustice is hard to shrug off, and to be honest, I'm not 'over it', I just don't let it interfere with my relationships with my family.

Perhaps that it what the OP's sister needs to do, but nothing the OP says is likely to persuade her to do it, it will have to come from her. Though she will benefit from any uncritical support the OP can give her.

PinkElephants, by emotional gifts I am referring to the fact that if child A is not given the same emotional support as child B, due to favouritism or by being criticised more, then child B has effectively been given more, emotionally.

hmm got one of those letters from my twin once - made me ill for months.

agree that most people have 'dysfunction' in their family, to varying degrees - it isn't the big bogey but totally normal imo.

I would also say, as the family scapegoat, that the scapegoat can see with brilliant clarity what is going on, but the people doing the scapegoating are totally blind to it. why does the scapegoat see so clearly? becuase what the others are doing HURTS SO MUCH and is a serious headfuck of magnitudinous proportions: the scapegoaters just can't see what they're doing. If you try to point it out to them they say "now, come on, don't make a fuss - we were all happy until you started on" (to which I want(ed) to say NO WE ARE NOT ALL HAPPY)

you use words like nonsense, complete rubbish, bizarre about your sister's views. they are real to her and maybe she has to make dramatic statements to get you to LISTEN. I am not blamimg you sishatesme - families function like this and, probably, you would be horrified if you thought yhou'd hurt it. But somebody or someting has hurt her, that is clear - and my bet is that it is the family dynamic (sorry). she has a role too - she has to forgive you. Rome/day and all that.

scapegoats are like the family's colostomy bag and, tis true, can behave appallingly - though I was never given the space to behave appallingly (more like cinderella - awww). my family are SO fucked up but they would probably say they aren't. When you have been in a desperately dysfunctional/toxic family you develop incredibly sensitive antennae and it's a bit of a bind bcs you can see how fucked up everybody is - everybody is you know, to some degree or other

please don't forget though that she is PREGNANT and we've got an unborn child to think about here too (who doesn't want a wound up host mummy). If you talk to her try to keep the boat from rocking as much as possible - not bcs she is an invalid but bcs you respect her (try that for size - do you respect her? honestly? if you don't, she will know it). sishatesme - please LISTEN to her, don't tell her that what she is saying is rubbish, or nonsense or bizarre. LISTEN to her, don't dismiss her or trot out the right words when inside you're thinking "yeah right" ie don't patronise her.

it could be that she has set this up as the only time she can be heard or make as dramatic an announcement as possible, under the covering of pregnancy so no one can touch her? maybe she is too frightened to do it any other time. I am not suggesting she is totally the poor victim here btw, no way, but what I am saying is have a bit of humility that you may, as a family, have a plank in your own eye that you just never knew was there. scapegoating is very much a family problem.

sorry that was a long post - poorly in bed(aww) so hope it made sense.

wanted to clarify 'would be horrified to know ou had hurt her'

also, she has unintentionally, subconsciously set this confrontation up when you can't touch her iyswim bcs she's pg. (whatever you do, sishatesme DON'T IGNORE HER or pretend the email doesn't exist - that would kill her.)

sorry to be so dramatic. she is very fragile at the mo (has always been prob) and you know the saying: hurt people hurt people (which is why she has hurt you so much)

good luck sishatesme and i really don't think she does hate you. i hope she can bring herself to explain what's going on with her.

Pinkelephants, as an example of both emotional and material gifts: when I was 16 I was so unhappy I became anorexic.
My mother responded by saying "What are you trying to do to me?" My father wrote me a note (even though I was staying in his house at the time!) saying I was giving him headaches and if I didn't snap out of it he'd have to ban me from coming back as I was damaging his health. My brother told me to stop being silly.
When DB was unhappy at 17 they talked to him about it and bought him a car.
I was still the difficult one though.
So Humanheart, I agree absolutely about the scapegoat.
Pinkplant, this trauma goes very very deep and ruins every day of your life. You can't just say oh well, I'm not going to get over it so I'll just ignore it and soldier on. You can't help wanting the parents/family you needed as a child and didn't get. The damage that was done then hasn't allowed you to progress beyond that point. You're still living in it, thanks to the emotional flashbacks. Hence the harping on what seem like trivial bits of ancient history to other people.

quiddity - I see.

I don't think my DSIS fits into that as I very clearly having to "walk around on eggshells" around her as parents begged me "not to upset her". They also spent a lot of time talking to her, trying to work out what was troubling her while I got very little attention as I was "always OK".

Can remember feeling very overlooked as a child but I just think they had no more energy left after dealings with DSISs moods.

We need to remember that parents often try their best but are not perfect.

I don't think that applies in your case though. I feel for you.

Will be back later. My sister hasn't spoken to me for 5 years and the situations sound similar. Will read all the posts after ds is in bed and return.

Hi all,

Just bumbling around the house now the kids are in bed, thinking about what a mess this whole thing is.

I've re-read everything and have tried so hard to see things from an outsiders perspective. I can't. I can see certain things from when we were children and teens, the idea of roles, although they were very light-hearted - well, they were to me. I was the bookish, academic first child, DSis was the pretty, popular second child. DB was the sporty and cheeky baby. Harmless enough, no? DSis being high-maintenance was an ongoing thing. I could tell you the 'traits' that we are all recognised for and that we have joked about in the past, not sure if it makes any difference though.

From that, I can see how a person could develop an idea of themselves as a 'scapegoat'. I suppose any of us could, if we thought about it long and hard, spent a lot of time dwelling on in. I find it difficult to comprehend how Dsis could have taken innocent or teasing comments and turned them into such a boiling vat of rage. And I don't mean that these were daily things, not systematic AT ALL.

Humanheart, you picked out a few words I used 'rubbish, bizarre' etc. I do think that this situation is bizarre and that if she has chosen to create it from anger about our family life then she is a thousand times more sensitive than I thought. And I always thought she was sensitive.

This idea of respect is interesting. I always found it a strange concept really, demanding 'respect' from people. Do I think she is worthy, a good person? Absolutely. Does that meant that I'm blind to her faults? No. And I would hope that the same goes for me. I have faults, I know I do. It's not the end of the world if people don't think I'm perfect. We all have redeeming features.

I have respect for her opinions. I wouldn't tell her that she is wrong, as she obviously feels very strongly about this. But that doesn't mean I can accept it as truth. I will not be able to say 'yes, you're right, I'm so sorry', because I don't believe that her view of her life is accurate. It's as though it's been coloured by her sensitivity to other people, her paranoia.

I wonder if one element of this is that yet again she is "2nd" you were the first to have dc, you have hogged your Mum with them for x years and she can't have that special thing of providing 1st grandchild. Perhaps in her pregnant state she can't handle that jealousy of always being 2nd (in her mind)???

I hope it works out for you all, if she throws hurtful things at you try not to react and just "hear" her - you know reflective listening rather than a slanging match.

Just wanted to say that OP you sound a lovely, intelligent, reasonable person.

From my experience of my own dysfunctional family, I don't think the OP should accept her sisters version of events as 'the Truth'. Listen, empathise, sympathise, but you don't have to agree with her if you don't. In my opinion you wouldn't be doing her any favours by doing that.

FWIW I don't subscribe to some of the posters on heres view that all opinions are equally valid - that's simply not true. That's not denying your sisters feelings - they obviously are true (and painful) for her - she may well feel scapegoated etc. But that doesn't mean, just because that's how she feels, that that is the reality of the situation and family dynamic. It's like me saying that my point of view that the sky is green, is just as valid as your point of view that the sky is blue. It's not.

Sorry, probably clumsily worded, but hope you get what i mean.

This is exactly the situation in my family. There are 4 of us. My sister was the youngest for 10 years until I cane along. She always said that she was unwanted, the black sheep. Etc. She was far mor tempestuous than the rest of us who all bumbled along nicely. She would always blow up over something, never apologise, just expect everyone to forget about it when she was no longer upset.

Everything broke down after my parents died. She discovered my mum had given my brother a large sum if money. We all knew except her. Mum wouldn't tell her because she couldn't face the inevitable blow up.

My sister hasn't spoken to any of us for 5 years. I tried to keep in contact with her but it didn't work. When my first child was born she found out I'd visited my sister but not her. She said I was fucking scum and my parents would be ashamed of me. That was the last thing she said.

I see now, after much counselling, why she feels the way she does. But it is my mother she is angry with not me. It's just Mum isn't here to direct it at. But also she has to take responsibility for how things have turned out. She went out of her way to be antagonistic to everybody almost to prove to herself that we were all against her. Said and did awful things almost as a self-fulfilling prophecy. She sent my brother lawyer's letters then complained that he was hostile.

When my mother died she was watching her daughter at school. We told her not to go but she insisted that mum wouldn't die whilst she was gone. Of course she did, then DS felt excluded by us because she wasn't there.

When we sold my mum's house she was on holiday. I told her to take what she wanted before she left but she said no need as it wouldn't complete in the timescale. When she returned she accused us all of stealing from her and colluding against her.

I see now that our family was not entirely healthy, although appeared perfect. It was more that grievances were never aired, we were all just expected to mutter resentfully about eachother. My mum often disapproved of my sisters behaviour and looking back, probably did punish her for it- without ever standing up to her tirades or calling her on it.

For us, I don't think there is a way back. She will tell anyone who will listen how much she hates us all and wants no part of our lives. She has never met my children. And quite frankly, she has hurt mevtoo much to try and make amends. Maybe we are all better off without eachother.

I realise nne of this is helping you. Except to say that maybe there us a chance to sort it out before it all gets out of hand. And

When we cleared my mum's house she was

Sorry, cut and paste issues!

I also wanted to add that even when mum was alive my sister never made any effort with anyone. Was always so busy feeling hard done by that she never visited, phoned, remembered birthdays. Nothing.

We were supposed to do all the running

Skipped a bit of thread as it was too close to home but wantewd to add my 2p worth.
We grew up with an abusive father and after my mother finally kicked him out one of my sisters cut all ties with all of us apart from my brother. She has never met my DD2, I haven't seen ym neice in years and don't even knwo where she lives now as my brother won't act as go between.

It hurts, it's unfair as I always thought we got on and I hate it and I miss her BUT iot is her decision. I did post on here having a bitch about it but the lovely stately homes posters amongst others helkped me see that she has made a decision,exactly as I have regarding never seeing my father again, and if that is how she feels she has to deal with it wtf am I to disagree?

Sorry, but you need to just accept it and hope it improves, that's what I am wishing for every day.

Wanted to respond to Maryz about what you do as parents with a diffiult 'hard done by' child.

I cant help but feel that my parents have worsened the situation with my diffiuclt sister by treading on eggshells with her as a teen and an adult - they have let her get away with so much bad behaviour over the years - eg turning up and shouting the odds at them over what seems to everyone else very minor things, and then after a few days they would all pretend it had never happened and that everything was fine. She has always been mildly bullying towards them imo and they ahve never challenged her because they didn't want to upset her further.

About 7 years ago she suddenly got a lot worse and has stopped virtually all contact and as a result they hardly see their grandchildren at all and having previously had a very close realtionship with them this has been really distressing to them (and probably her dc I imagine).

It's just an escalation really of how she's always been with family - I just feel that if they had taken less shit from her earlier and set some boundaries about what is acceptable behaviour then perhaps things wouldn't have got to this stage.