Sister has disowned me :(

[SisHatesMe]

I'm a regular but have name changed, I know a couple of people on here IRL and don't want to discuss it yet:(

Got an email this morning from my sister saying that she wanted nothing more to do with me. I'm at a loss really. We've just spent Christmas together (my family, DB and his girlfriend, DS and her DH and my parents) and although she was a little touchy at times everything seemed fine.

In the email she said that she can't stand me monopolizing the whole family any longer and that she'd prefer it if I stayed away from our parent's house when she wanted to visit.

Not even sure I can give any relevant background. She's always had this idea that I'm "the favourite" and that DB is "the golden boy", which is simply not true. I thought she'd let it go, we're in our thirties now! She's very high maintenance, dislikes it when you disagree with her and takes offence at the least thing. However we've never had any major falling out, just normal family bickering.

The monopolizing thing comes from the fact that our mother looks after my DSs two days a week while I work. She's pregnant with her first, due in February. She isn't going back to work but thinks that DM won't have any time for her and her baby which is not true, DM is very excited about the new baby. She's been very moody during her pregnancy but I didn't see this coming.

I'm devastated by this email. My parents will be shattered if I can't resolve this somehow. I just don't know what to do, it's as though she has lost the plot completely.

I think her message serves only to hurt you, test you and provoke a reaction. It is easy to avoid people and she could do so without telling you. It sounds like she wants attention. Would she expect you to tell your Mother? It sounds like she's the one trying to monopolize the family.
I'd be tempted to ignore the message altogether and see what she does.

Perfumed, I have had a lot of help from my DM, which I never stop being grateful for. My DSs are older now and will all be at school by next September. DM is fit, healthy and loves spending time with her grandchildren (or so she tells me!) She can't wait for the new baby to arrive and DSis will have all the time in the world with her. But you're right, she does seem to resent the time DM spends with the boys, as though it's time spent on me, indirectly.

Citrus, I think she does expect me to tell DM, which I haven't yet. I'm not sure what reaction she wants to provoke, so I'm just sat her fretting!

Mummie, it's very difficult for me to see our family as dysfunctional. If one person feels that way and no one else does, does that mean we're dysfunctional by default?

As for being scared of DM, that's not true. She's the most selfless person I know and I don't want to hurt her.

Denial keeps people from seeing the family as dysfunctional. If one member of the family is telling you the family is dysfunctional, then I think it is time you look at it from the outside!

I used to think of my Mother as wonderfull too! Now I see her as a gaslighter, manipulator and triangulator!

Do you not think that if you avoid going round there when she is there, she will probably turn it around to you avoiding her, in order to gain sympathy?

There is obviously a lot more to be said, op, as your sister's view of the family past and present is clearly radically different from yours.
I don't think you're in a position to "assure" anyone that your sister hasn't felt like the family scapegoat.
That's exactly how I felt/feel, but I have no doubt my my DB would be greatly astonished to hear that--he'd probably respond, as you have done, that on the contrary, the rest of the family has to soothe my "ruffled feathers." He sees me as a/the problem, not the person who was most hurt. (I am wondering, by the way, why your special concern about "I don't want to hurt DM." Would you like to tell us more about the family dynamic when you were growing up?)
So rather than tell your sister how it was, or rather how you think it was, if you want to try to mend fences I think you should do your very, very best to be open to anything she might say.
It might be useful to you to read up in advance about abuseemotional and verbal as well as physical abuse, that isand the possible consequences such as complex PTSD. It causes deep, deep trauma--which doens't just go away with age. In fact it can be re-triggered by incidents to do with having your own children that remind you of events from your own childhood.

MummieHunnie just because you have issues within your family it doesn't mean every family is dysfunctional! Maybe the sister is dysfunctional? It sounds to be like she is jealous and needy and I know what it's like to live with one of those. I have a twin sister who has been jealous of every single achievement in my life and has made my life hell because of it. It is really really unfair being made to feel bad for everything I have achieved, never getting any recognition just whining, moaning, attention seeking and ruining every good moment in my life because it appears to her to be better than her life and achievements. Family respond to it and try and unruffle her feathers ALL THE TIME.

Confused, who is responsible for a dysfunctional, needy and jealous sister turning out that way, who has always been that way then if it is not her family?

Mummie, of course I understand the reference to manipulation but gaslighter, I've no idea and triangulator - something to do with politics? I don't feel that I'm in denial about anything, but if I was then I would say that, wouldn't I? I now feel like I'm going around in circles.

Hec, in the past if she has not responded to my texts and emails I have assumed that she's busy and not contacted her for a bit. I then used to get messages asking why I hadn't contacted her. This hasn't happened for a while though.

Quiddy, she hasn't been emotionally, verbally or physically abused. Or if she feels like she has, does that mean she has been? My mum will be upset about this, I am upset about this and I don't want everyone to be upset if I can sort it out. That's my concern, is it so unreasonable? I do want to build bridges but I'm not prepared to accept the blame for whatever she has decided is wrong. And I don't understand the view that what she 'feels' is fact and that what I 'feel' is opinion either.

mummiehunnie, you may well be correct. However, it could also just be that the OP's sister is a bit uptight and a bit whingy just by her very nature rather than because she is the product of a dysfunctional family.

I have a sister who is very uptight. If anything, she was very much the spoilt one as a child (unplanned then they nearly lost her etc). She grew up constantly demanding her own way and needing things to be 'just so'. Now as a very laid back family who just took ourselves off to places or changed plans at the last minute this did indeed cause her some stress which my parents tried to counter.

However, this was not because she was a scapegoat or because we were dysfunctional but simply because the 5 of us all seemed to have a 'whatever happens happens' attitude and she was very different. Not wrong-just different.

Have you ever asked your sister if she feels she has been abused? have a google of gaslighting etc

Is is maybe not just genetics? She had no different upbringing from me. From birth she cried nonstop and was bad tempered. My earliest memories were when we were about 7 and she pushed me off a concrete pillar outside our home and I cracked my head open on the driveway. Since then she has run me over, punched me in the face, thrown an iron at me, the day after running me over when my leg was in tight bandaging from ankle to top of thigh she pulled me across the room by my hair for telling my mum what had happened. She has punched my husband in the face. She has stolen my clothes, friendships, ruined my wedding day. Can't really see what we have done to make her this way? She has made my life hell because of jealousy pure and simple but I put up with it and "manage" her as best I can. The lies she comes out with are absolutely classic as well, she really believes none of this has happened and has a woeful tale about every aspect of her upbringing which is simply not true - we are now 40 years old and she is still as bitter and twisted and doesn't seem to be able to grow out of it so I guess I got a few more years to go....

Montysorry, that age old difficulty of parents trying to meet the needs of all children and themselves is a ballancing act. Has your sister told you she no longer wants to see you?

Confused, what did you Mother do/react when that was going on?

Confused, she has similar traits, although her issues are more focused on things being equal. I remember a Christmas when we were kids, we both got a hat and scarf set and she was upset because they were different colours. We had to swap in the end. She is put out by achievements; she doesn't say anything but then won't contact anyone for a week.

TheSecondComing, I would certainly say that she's a drama queen. She is! And her belief that she's treated in a particular way is not just for her family, it includes friends and people at work. I do like her though, when she forgets to be offended by everything she can be great.

I agree with Hec & think that is the best advice. Both my DSis' (and I) at times have behaved like your DSis and become very 'touchy/sensitive, drama-queenish' (everyones picking on me!) but mostly one DSis in particular.

It is invariably their (your DSis) problem & they are projecting onto someone else in the family, the best way is always not to get too drawn into it, hold back for a bit until dust settles, am sure if you respond in this manner she will eventually see sense, or at least move on from being like this.

My DSis who is often like this can be very 'toxic' in friendships as in family relationships but usually within family we all 'get over' each issue and forgive. (We do have a dysfunctional family, btw, but its not something that is going to change without much heartache & DSis, being the oldest, has definately come out the most 'difficult').

I know it must be very hard to deal with, she is your sister & is pregnant but hopefully if you take a 'I'm here if you want to be back in touch' approach, then you will be doing no wrong.

No, but we rarely see each other since my parents died.

I know she is angry at my parents for lots of reasons but when we once discussed some of them they seemed ridiculous to me so I probably wasn't much help.

Things like;
-Not eating dinner at the same time each night
-The fact that our house was so small that she felt embarrassed to bring friends home.
-The fact that my mother was a size 20
-The fact that my mother spent lots of time with my oldest children but died when her oldest was just 1yr

It's as if she is angry with the world but this is not new following on from a traumatic experience. I am 6yrs older than her and she has always been like this.

poor you SisHatesMe. MummieHunnie is talking such good sense. Your sister has some deep seated issues about her role or position within your family group. Regardless of whether or not you can see them they are there and very real to her. If you love her as you say you'll contact her to ask for a meeting to discuss & then let her talk while you listen. It may be that afterwards you still feel she's being unreasonable, but equally it may give you an insight into your family dynamics from another angle. At the very least it will give your poor, unhappy sister the message that you care enough to take her seriously.

I would agree with your last statement.

It may well be that your family was/is dysfunctional, and that your sister has suffered as a result. I don't see how any of this can be seen as your fault, however - you're not her parent, and as a child could not have been responsible for the style of parenting or the way everyone turned out.

If there is/has been dysfunction in your family and your sister has suffered as a result, I'm afraid it's the fault of one or both of your lovely parents, and I don't see how this can be resolved without your DM getting upset and involved.

I think it's telling that you don't want her upset - what's the hold here? One of her DDs is so upset with the other that she never wants to see her again - I'd damn well want to know about that, and I'd feel a failure if I didn't at least try to hear everyone's side and sort it out.
My Dsis cut me off 9 years ago, and my mum's response has been to bury her had in the sand and say, 'well, you're both adults, you can sort it out between you.'

The fact is that my Dsis feels badly-done-to and sees me as the wicked sister who's always done her down - much easier than admitting that she's jealous of anyone else having the mummy time she sees as exclusively her right. But we'll never sort it out as DM won't get involved. Your DM might, so at least give her the chance.

Was referring to your statement that 'I don't understand the view that what she 'feels' is fact and that what I 'feel' is opinion either.'

Yes, of course bear all that in mind but it would also be prudent to consider that perhaps she is just a little needy and jealous by nature.

Of course as a loving sister you should try to help her on this score but that does not mean the fault is yours or that of your immediate family.

"And I don't understand the view that what she 'feels' is fact and that what I 'feel' is opinion either"

I'm not saying that, SisHatesMe, just that her view may be at least as valid as yours, and it's obviously very different.
I am also definitely not saying you are to blame for your sister feeling she was abused. She may not even feel that way consciously. She may frame it as your getting preferential treatment (maybe you have--the golden child is less likely to notice than the one who feels left out).
I'm not saying it's up to you to fix it, either. You both have my sympathy--this must have come as a shock to you.
Abuse comes in so, so many forms. Emotional neglect for instance doesn't look particularly bad from the outside but it can lead to a lifetime of misery and lack of self-belief.
Also, no two children have the same upbringing--we all know gender makes a huge difference, birth order, personality, no doubt genetics, and numerous other factors.
(By the way, Confused, I am so sorry to hear about your awful relationship with your sister. But I don't think the reasons for it could possibly be as simple as "genetics.")