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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help - my world is falling apart

122 replies

tomorrowsanotherday · 23/12/2010 21:33

I have been with DP for nearly 8 years now and we were about to start trying for a baby in a few months time.
I love him to pieces and I thought he felt the same about me.
He is not from this country but has had the right to live here permanently for the last 6 years or so, so no question of him only being with me for that.
My battery on my mobile is dead and I just used his mobile to send a text. Found a message written in his native language that is very sexually explicit.
I am distraught but haven't let on that I have seen it yet.
What do I do?
I suffered from severe depression several years ago and in the last few months it has been rearing its head again.
Twice this week I have come home from work and cried for hours.
This is at the worst possible time.
Please someone talk to me

OP posts:
needafootmassage · 23/12/2010 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

happiestblonde · 23/12/2010 21:37

I don't know what to say but will talk - I fell to pieces last week and MN was a life saver.

Do you know who it was to? Called the number? Going to talk to him?

You will be okay, no matter what the answers to this are, even if it takes a bit of time.

atswimtwolengths · 23/12/2010 21:38

Sometimes depression is a signal to you that something is very, very wrong. You tend to think it's something wrong with you, but actually it's that your world is wrong, out of sync. I think this is what's happened to you.

Thank god you found out before you got pregnant. You must NOT get pregnant with this man. He has betrayed you and is now what he appears to be.

Original poster
tomorrowsanotherday · 23/12/2010 21:38

He's here but I haven't spoken to him yet. I have been in tears this evening because of my depression so he thinks its that.
Just called the number and a woman answered but she doesn't speak english so i cant speak to her or I would

OP posts:
Original poster
tomorrowsanotherday · 23/12/2010 21:39

Im so so scared I dont know what to do or say

OP posts:
Original poster
tomorrowsanotherday · 23/12/2010 21:42

Years ago when we first got together I suspected him of cheating but couldn't prove it and he denied it.
He will only deny it again and say I misunderstood what the text said but I definitely understand. He says it to me sometimes when we have sex
This is exactly what I think it is

OP posts:
NoNamesNoPackDrill · 23/12/2010 21:42

What are you scared of?

(Hugs)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 23/12/2010 21:43

You don't have children together ?

I am sorry, but one other person is not "the world"

yes, you feel betrayed, yes you feel humiliated

find out if he has cheated

if he has...get rid of the fucker and move on

never give one person the power to bring you so low in the future

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 23/12/2010 21:44

ok, two strikes he is out

what are you waiting for ?

to get shat on all over again ?

Original poster
tomorrowsanotherday · 23/12/2010 21:44

I want a baby so much I am tempted to get pregnant then leave
Its all I ever wanted and all that has kept me going the last few months

OP posts:
QuintMissesChristmasesPast · 23/12/2010 21:45

I echo anyfucker. It is easy to move on when there are no children involved. Thank your lucky stars you are not bound to him for eternity through having children together.

QuintMissesChristmasesPast · 23/12/2010 21:46

Now that would be a very stupid and selfish thing to do. Cant condone such immature behaviour.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 23/12/2010 21:47

oh fgs, get a grip

Original poster
tomorrowsanotherday · 23/12/2010 21:47

I know I sound crazy and I never thought I would be this woman.
I thought he was my soulmate.
Tuesday night he sat holding me for 2 hours while I cried, ran me a bath, cooked for me.
I cant cope on my own I really cant

OP posts:
FakePlasticTrees · 23/12/2010 21:48

if you get pregnant with him, you are stuck with him for the next 2 decades.

Ask him.

Original poster
tomorrowsanotherday · 23/12/2010 21:49

We have been through so much together. How did it come to this? What did I do to deserve this?

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 23/12/2010 21:49

Do you have any reason, other than the text, to suspect he hasn't been straight with you?

Reason I ask, few years ago, DH had a fairly Hmm text. I asked him about it and he totally panicked, but I could tell he was genuine when he said he had no clue who it was from (he is a dreadful liar!) Also pretty sure if he had been sneaking about he would have deleted it (he knows what a detective I am)

Although I see he has cheated before Sad I'd say go with your gut instinct, and dig a bit deeper if necessary

Original poster
tomorrowsanotherday · 23/12/2010 21:50

How can I confront him without him wriggling out of it. Its not gonna happen. He will just deny it

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 23/12/2010 21:51

what are you...a child ?

of course you can cope on your own, you are a grown woman

if you have mental health (depression) issues, see your GP and get some help with that

this faithless fuckwit is not the one to help you through depression as he probably contributes to it

you can cope on your own

what is the alternative...stay with a man who fucks other women ?

FakePlasticTrees · 23/12/2010 21:51

Oh, and i had depression a few years ago. The man I was with at the time was very supportive, at the time everyone was so impressed how well he looked after me and I also thought he was so caring and understanding.

12 years on, I look at how DH treats me and it's clear the bloke I was with at the time was the cause of a lot of the low feelings that he was then helping me cope with.

Original poster
tomorrowsanotherday · 23/12/2010 21:52

She doesnt live here. It is a foreign number. It can't be a physical relationship

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 23/12/2010 21:52

who cares if he denies it ?

you don't trust him

end of relationship

where is your self-respect ?

TanteAC · 23/12/2010 21:54

This is a big shock to you and your world (or how you view your world) has been shaken.

I understand how scary it is to confront that - a few days ago you were a couple about to try for a baby, and now you are a couple who could split up.

The thing is pet, he has still cheated whether or not you confront him, IYSWIM. It is very scary to start that conversation becaue it can feel as though you are causing a split or a problem. You aren't - you are only addressing it and it won't go away if you don't.

In fact (as I think you know)you will probably become more and more depressed.

You need to talk to him about this now.

I hope you are ok, please keep talking xox

Original poster
tomorrowsanotherday · 23/12/2010 21:54

I am seeing my GP I've got an appointment for tomorrow morning to see a nurse about weightloss and an appointment in January because I need to go on medication again.
It is not just my weight. I have been depressed since I was 17 and Im now 24

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 23/12/2010 21:55

Well, whenever I have confronted my DH about anything (he's actually quite a good boy, but I discovered he had a child he's neglected to tell me about, a few months into our relationship) I assembled as much info as I could, and inferred I had another source, that I wasn't prepared to reveal.

When he lied I merely raised an eyebrow and said "bearing in mind that I know more than you think I do, are you sure that is your answer? Because if you lie again, that is the end"

I know it's sneaky but sometimes if they don't know exactly what you DO know , they are more likely to tell the truth.