Help - my world is falling apart

[tomorrowsanotherday]

I have been with DP for nearly 8 years now and we were about to start trying for a baby in a few months time.
I love him to pieces and I thought he felt the same about me.
He is not from this country but has had the right to live here permanently for the last 6 years or so, so no question of him only being with me for that.
My battery on my mobile is dead and I just used his mobile to send a text. Found a message written in his native language that is very sexually explicit.
I am distraught but haven't let on that I have seen it yet.
What do I do?
I suffered from severe depression several years ago and in the last few months it has been rearing its head again.
Twice this week I have come home from work and cried for hours.
This is at the worst possible time.
Please someone talk to me

Please don't get yourself pregnant by this man and then leave.

If you do, you will have to have a custody arrangment with him and you will have to let your child go away to stay with him (and possibly another woman) and ALSO he may take your child to Belgium/Iran (haven't quite understood) - but the point is it's on a plane to another country and way outside your control.

If you have problems now, they will be magnified 100x when you have a baby.

Please listen to the advice you are being given on here, everybody wants to help you.

I understand the desire to have a baby is very strong. You are only 24 though, you have so much time left, you mustn't settle for someone who isn't right.

It also sounds like you have only had this depression since being with him.

You are a perfectly decent person and you will manage just fine on your own.

Long story short tomorrows, you have had your trust broken, he has either had some kind of inappropriate communication with a girl from his culture (who will not view you as competition btw, merely a dalliance, and fair game) or is about to embark on an emotional affair for now.

He btw has papers to stay in Europe, we don't know her circumstances, but it could be that she is determined to stay in Europe and him with his papers, his english, his nationality and his wages are an attractive prospective. You are merely a local girl who doesn't know how to treat a Persian male....

he has failed to stop this and therefore betrayed your relationship.

You know what to do, you know there are a million men just like him and better and this bloke has been one that has suited you for a while. he's not a keeper. If he's not placing you in high enough regard now, when you are pregnant and trapped with him he'll be even less bothered than now. He will NOT make a good H, nor a good father. You and your prospective DC deserve better.

You have to confront him, tell him you are not putting up with it and tell him he has to go.

Any less and you will lose face to him and he will walk over you again and again.

How would he have got her number, has he been to Belgium recently?

is someone playing matchmaker?

If you have spent your whole adult life with this man, it might be worth having some time on your own as an adult anyway.

listen to LitleMiss, OP

she knows her stuff here

Dunno about that AF... had someone told me all this at aged 24 ... or even 34... would I have listened?

Probably not.

But my lot today would very well be different than it is today.

I have hope in that OP is asking for help, I wouldn't have done. Thought I knew it all at 24 I did... [deluded]

Tomorrows, From my bitter experience, I tell you that a man from a different culture is exciting somehow, a little different from the norm, but ALL relationships can be hard somehow. A new culture, language, religion and country all individually magnify the differences.

There really is no place like home. Our own men know the score, they know what is expected of them wrt children, pitching in and doing their bit with childcare/housework. Men from these countries really are NOT expected to do all this, so anything they do they are doing YOU a favour and expect YOU to be grateful for doing something (in our culture) that they ought to be doing in the first place.

I'm sure this guy is tall dark and handsome, I'm sure he's charming and manly and powerful. But when you have been up for 3 or 4 days straight with a baby that won't sleep, and he chucks you out of your bed because 1. it's your job, and 2. his sleep is more important than yours... It's really, bloody hard. On some level if this man DID pitch in, there is every possibility that he'd take some flack from his friends/family, so any help would possibly be short-lived.

I'm 42. DS is and will be an only child. There is no way I'd have had a 2nd with 'H'. H is pissing back off to his dusty hole in February.

Even IF i ever meet anyone after this, I'll not have any more DC, I'm too old (3x MC) I placed all my chips on the wrong number.

DS has a really crap dad, and I blame myself for not standing up for myself, for not telling 'H' to hit the road when I ought to have done.

hissy, I have a SIL in almost your same situation

she married the "exotic" man

last year he sponsored a young woman from his country to study in the UK

what a generous man eh ?

turns out she was wife no.2 and pg with his second family

he is secretive, sexist and misogynist in the extreme

he has never told the truth in his life...not even on his wedding day

I know what you are saying

he set her up in a flat in the next town

and then tried to move her into the family home

I tell you what, I was speechless for the first time in my life !

how do i delete internet history on google chrome? he has asked who i am talking to on here

tell him to fuck off

goose/gander

can you not talk to whom you like ?

it seems he can....

I don't want him to find out through reading this. I want to confront him but need to work out what im saying/doing first

You are trying to put off what needs doing NOW.

It is scary. You DO have our support. You need to actually HEAR what we are saying.

click and clean

google chrome deleting history

He's asked you?

Guilty conscience.

You've been with this guy all your adult life, its bound to be scary, but you're reaction makes me think you know already he is cheating on you?

Believe me you can survive on your own and a child on this basis is not what will help. Please think of yourself and of your future children. Have it out with him and see what you think. If he dies spin you a yarn, you don't have to believe him. You decide.

report away, EP

people talk about their experiences on here

are you calling her a liar ?

EP...report me too

I am recounting fact

care to call me a liar too ?

I rarely use the C word AF, but I'd reserve the right to use it on that filth your SIL has married.

I sadly have heard of this before. And worse.

At least I'm not married to H. So that is one wad of cash I don't have to spend.

Tomorrows, good thinking, cool planning and collected thoughts.

Blimey, all this presence of mind at 24... You have a heck of a lot going for you OP. More than I did.

Ok so this will hurt, it's your first real relationship, it's bound to hurt, but we are all here to offer whatever support you need.

Think on how it would be if you stuck with this, had a kid, or 2 and then at 30 you find out he HAS been doing the dirty. Or as AF says finds a young local girl, marries her on the side and has the obligatory DC...

Then you have a divorce to try and get, and fight over custody and access. If he buggered off to Iran you might never see your DC again.

Have you read Not Without My Daughter? Very scary, extreme, but it does happen.

I know this is scary, but if we plan for the worst case scenario, and hope for the best, with a bit of luck the truth will be somewhere in the middle.

Keep posting, we'll help you work this out.

she is recounting her experience, EP

she is allowed to do that

I don't expect you reporting her post will be taken seriously