"But we took you to Statley Homes" Dysfunctional families thread

[MummieHunnie]

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Its a big step forward to see that you have behaviour that needs to change.

How many of us have had the moment we realised that to stop being a victim , is too stop acting like one ?.

Its like we get conditioned into the victim/scapegoat role as a child. And it becomes a pattern we follow as an adult , until we say enough is enough and start standing up for ourselves.
Its wrapped up in a lack of self -love.
Once you start to love yourself (even like yourself) , you relise that no one has the right to be abusive to you in any way.

Thats why , (i think) so many of us have attracted bad partners in the past.Its almost like they can smell victim off us .
Somehow we fall back into the pattern and the partner takes the place of the abusive parent( in a diffent way).

When you spot there needs to be a change in yourself , its sets off a chain of events.( A small change , even just saying no to the toxics now and again.)
These events , can be scary at times, but completly essential for lfe improvement.

Eventually we learn how to stand up to ourselves , and also how to gain respect and admiration from others.(not usually the toxics , but "outsiders "). This is a life skill most children aquire in their late-childhood /early teens....I have noticed that most people i know with toxic parents learn this a little later , we dont seem as confident, but better late than never ! .

This when learned will also help ward off the crap men. Either we begin to spot a rotten one or the confidence ( as in "i dont take no shite vibe" ) scares the toxic ones away as they want an easy victim.
This is what happened with myself.

Going NC is the best thing i ever have done.
That was the easy part ,it gives you a chance to breath and gather your thoughts. The hardest part was working out what i had to change and why i should. For me it started with saying no.

Last time i saw ex-mother , she was following me around my house , doing the usual critasism and goadng me and twisting what i had said . I went to my bedroom to escape ( remember , in my house , im running to my room like a 5 yr old [blush)
I had that moment.
She followed me , opened the door and came in...spouting her poisen as she always did.
I stood there , just looked at her and said in a quiet voice ...."dont start Mum , you will not win this time."

• HER jaw hit the floor , she turned about and left my house ...didnt say goodbye.

Shortly after that i sent her txt saying i didnt ever want to see or hear from her again.

Smithfield , hello my lovely , you have been thought about, and missed on here.
Im sorry youve had to deal with that awful bully in the carpark. It is a sad fact that there are many men ( and women) out there that try to intimidate others because they are physically bigger .
Its never ok for anyone to abuse regarless of reason.
You must have been so frightend , and being reminded of your abusive father is horrific . What an awful thing to happen to you and the kids , i hope your all ok. ((huggs))

Ads can be a life -line . I was on them myself several times .I needed help out of the black -pit , it worked for me .
Dont feel defeated because your on them again , theres no difference between taking ads for depression and antibiotics for an infection.

Its just medicine to help you get well.

I wouldnt hesitate to take them again if i ever need to .

Dont you just love virtual tea and cake ?....it has 0 ww points ya know

MH

TRS, sorry to hear about the incident in the carpark.

Droves lovely insight.

droves you hit the nail on the head with "eventually we learn how to stand up to ourselves , and also how to gain respect and admiration from others."

I haven't learnt that yet and I am 34!

My mother used to 'squash' me when I showed any sign of pride or self respect as she said it was showing off and attention seeking and selfish. She still talks about 'so and so being ok as long as you 'control them', or 'push them down''.

I have always tried to 'prove' to people my worth and waited for them to tell me what I am good at... but am surrounded by people who think I'm worth nothing, no matter how good I am at things. My mother used to make me feel exposed and weak and like a spotlight was on a weak naked squirmy worm of me, I spent the first 18yrs of life trying to become invisible (which is strange as I think i might actually be a rather extravert and theatrical character, maybe, not sure).

I guess I have to realise that being worth something is separate from being good at stuff... being good at stuff means people take advantage as well, its not the holy grail.

I have realised that I don't have a strong sense of self, or a sense of reality either, unless its given by someone else. My life is filled with cognitive dissonance between what is true and what the world thinks is true... so much so I have lost track of me somewhere in all that.

My childhood was one big lie, and 24hrs a day I was bent into believing that this set of lies was reality, and anything else I perceived/ reacted to was wrong and evil and a character flaw. I recreated that in my life now, and now i have no idea what to do about it. I have no one to support me, no one knows the truth of my life, no one knows what i really feel, and the odd time I've tried to let someone in, they've not cared anyway.

It feels like a real now or never moment, but I also know its a long journey really i guess, but i have to get on that journey or i will have wasted my life.

My dream is to get well and healed and better enough to be able to have my dream of a husband who loves me and i love him, and we work as a pair, and a gaggle of children who I can nurture and care for and see growing well and happy. my dream is to belong, to be loved and to be worth something. It feels a very long way away, maybe its a fantasy not a dream :-(

therealsmithfield i am sorry, its horrid when everything floods back and its all triggered and nasty.

Thanks droves and double. I know that there are women too that intimidate...my mother was one. So what a realisation that both my parents were bullies. Currently in my depressive haze the world feels filled with them .
I always feel a huge amount of guilt and reticense at this stage to AD'S, my sensible head knows this thinking will subside once the depression lifts, but right now...
This will be be my third time on Ad's and I will have to let go of third baby because Im not capable right now and certainly wouldnt attempt whilst back on ad's. Yet I know getting better should be more important to me. I have two healthy children. It should be enough.

double you can have the dh and the kids and still feel very lonely . As I do right now. It really is an inside job Im afraid (depression aside). The good news in that though is you dont need to wait for mr double to be happy. He will probably come along when dont actually need him.

Speaking about standing up for yourself. I did ring the police when I came home. I also rang the gym (where it happened, ds had been swimming there). No-one seemed to want to help, so I feel like he has got away with it.
He was screaming at me that I was rude...'the rudest person he had met'. I know of course this was him projecting, but there is still that knee jerk reaction that I cause this reaction in people.
I'm glad I didnt scream back or hurl abuse. I fibally get it now, that this is exactly what these people want. My father and mother included. They want that reaction from you so they can take the next step.

sorry and mh dont have much concentration at the moment,

Hi Smithfield i'm sorry your feeling so bad at the momment.

That was horried, i can't believe that peop
le act like that to strangers and when there are kids there too.

Real some people are just idiots and i think he was one.

Im sorry it triggered bad feelings for you. I'm never good at confrentation myself

hey therealsmithfield, what a shame that the gym and police were rubbish - I guess its easier to be 'its not my problem' than try to deal with it.

Of course you are not the rudest person he's ever met, def projecting... It helps somehow to step back to look at someone losing his control and having a huge trantrum... what a pitiful thing to be, imagine being in his head (ugh!)... then I am grateful I don't have to live in his head IYKWIM. taking the higher ground is a very strong thing to do, especially when you've been programmed not to - so bravo you.

I do know what you mean about the world being full of bullies and abusive people, i guess its not really, but maybe someone else can give perspective on that bit - me not much use sorry!

about the anti-ds - its better to be on them sooner rather than later, as it means you'll be off them sooner rather than later too... could you just hold off on baby number 3 rather than abandon the idea?

I really want 3 myself so not sure about you saying 'two should be enough' - why should it be? Its about a personal thing isn't it? again, i feel on shaky ground with that one too I'm afraid, as its something I have such a strong emotional feeling about i may be wrong.

I have such a fear of being lonely, and it has come as a shock to realise i am living my fear, as i am and have been for so many years... i guess you are right & it comes from within, but I don't know where to start with that.

I see where you are coming from with the parents thing - i guess i mentally know that both my dad and mum were cr@p, but my heart accepts my mum being so horrible, but my dad was always the one I looked up to and glorified and worshipped.. so having trouble with the idea that he was almost as bad. Not in a physical way, but as an enabler and passive bystander & causing alot of situations... it was in his power to change the situation, and not in mine as a child, so why did I end up protecting him?
And now my parents have reunited (about 9 yrs ago), my mother is fiercely jealous and won't let me talk to him at all, so where does that leave me? I never had a proper mum, and thought at least I had a dad, but now I know I don't have either.

Hello everyone, am in family overload time as we have 7 birthdays in Jan & Feb and turning up at them is obligatory, what with being family-ed out at Christmas and now these few weeks, trying hard to keep a handle on what is real and true and not allow any poison to permeate; have never screamed or hurled abuse in my life, leave that to the loonies, think if I started I'd be the one having a coronary and they'd do all the blaming for me losing my temper, sorry am rambling here. Smithfield, I'm sorry you're feeling crap, am too in a depressive haze, stay with us.

double you are helping me because it helps to be heard. So thank you for being caring enough to listen. There are some parts to a person they never crush with abuse and empathy is often one of them.
That must be very painful for you double, shows how insecure your mother is. Jealous of her own daughters relationship with her father. How sad.
Like you say though these fathers do have a choice. He could say, 'I will speak to doubleyet he doesnt. It is triangulation in its ugliest form. The mother, father, daughter dance. I speak from experience of this. Sadly.
Yes, the abandonment fear is very strong in me. The strongest driver yet for me I think, hence wanting third baby as dd will be ababndoning me next year for school . I quiver at that thought. I am 42 though (yep I know. I bet I sound like a little girl when I write on here), time is running short.
I even hate my husband leaving for work.

sarajen Are you obligated? Really? Are there things you can say no to?
It is more important to stay healthy surely than please the toxic ones.
It's never easy but perhaps saying no to one thing is a baby step you need toward feeling empowered?

grace and nemo am thinking of you and hope you are not around because you are on an upward spiral and not a downward one.

Read your thread at xmas nemo but so sorry that I was too sad to answer. I actually found it very helpful to read it nonetheless.
I wanted to reply via some lyrics from a streets song, and am hoping it doesnt sound too naff, the words just hit a chord for me.

Dry your eyes mate,
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
its over

Just popping in to say droves, your "big step forward" post is brilliant, thank you

TRS

I am truly sorry you had such a bad experience; for what its worth I had a very similar experience not so long ago from a Mr Angry Person. It was a complete overreaction on his part and have never seen anyone explode or become so verbally aggressive so quickly, he was projecting as well. I did not go onto call the police but I did give it some thought.

I went onto think the man who abused me was actually mentally unstable or at the very least had some sort of personality disorder (don't forget I have a NPD BIL so have had some previous experience anyway in dealing with morons like this guy is). Having spoken to other people who know the individual concerend my initial suspicions re him were proved to be correct.

Big hugs to you ((((((the real smithfield))))
You'll be okay and you acted correctly throughout.

Attila x

I hope you are feeling better soon

As always you are there with your support thank you attilla - Yes Mr Angry, given his reaction I would say at least NPD. As he had literally abandoned the car in the middle of the car park because there weren't any actal spaces I presume. I was a bit that he'd then gone in for a work out leving car like that. I thought perhaps he was picking something up.
If this is what your bil is like you have my sympathy. Best give this kind of person the widest birth possible especially when related as the morons we are related too do the most damage IMO.

Sorry ftp didn't mean to miss you out. You are sounding much stronger overall since you put the boundaries in and I agree with the others wrt your sis.
Just send a new bath, or stick with the c) option. Your sister has no right to expect things from you especially when she has disrespected you so badly.

Its ok TRS

Today i would love to just be invisable. I just feel so bad, like something bad is going to happen or all my nightmears will come true.

I have been rying on and off all day and just cant stop.

I have counciling tomoro and i just dont want to go, everything is jus tooard and i just want to get out ofmy own skin.

I feel like i have let my family down and i was mean to my son. I have dont no housework and currently DH is cooking our tea after working all day.

I just cant cope with life right now

I know tomoro will be better but right now i just dont believe it.

I have a question: How to you react when a stranger touchs you? Like a co-worker or someone at the bus stop who puts an arm around your shoulder or taps you to get your attention?

I was never sexually abused by my family. I had a few bad boyfiends but i hate other people touching me. I'm ok with DH and my son but i hate anyone else touching me and i back away and i feel bad about it for days.

I dont know if this is normal or not?

Hello everybody, and thanks for asking :)
Smithfield, I'm sorry you had a run-in with this twat and his parking rage - and also glad you did, as you've gained so much from it! I know what you mean about hating being a woman; I do, too, and it takes quite a lot of reasoning to win myself back over.

Thank you, Droves, for all your posts! You nearly always give me something good to work with. I really appreciate it.

My computer died on Saturday. Got a new laptop now, courtesy of friends (!) and am still setting it up. I have a few other problems going on, too, hence my absence. I'm still feeling weirded out by my reactions to the visit with my brother: it's reverberating in my dreams, so hopefully my head'll work things out with minimum input from me! Still reading here, though.

hi im not sure if this is the right place to post sorry if its not. I have a bad relationship with my dad he left my mum when i was 16 and walked out of our lives. Had a bad few years after he left my mum was ill and he never came to visit us.

I moved away 5 years after my parents split but my brother stayed my dad then got in contact with my brother which hurt abit it was like he was waiting for me to go.

The way my dad has treated me has changed the way i treat people. I dont trust anyone i always feel people are going to treat me badly and i find it difficult to talk about how he has treated me i feel abandoned and i dont want to tell people because they might think i must be a horrible person as he doesnt want anything to do with me. :(

You are in the right place, chuckie :)

This is one place where you can talk about your dad's behaviour and how you feel. We won't judge. We know it's not you - it's him. You didn't deserve it, you didn't ask for it. You can learn to trust people and yourself.

Hi Chuckie.

Sorry to hear of your problems Grace.

I just wanted to add, that I had one of the best sessions ever with the psychologist today, I feel that I really moved forward with some things, it had helped that I had spoken to parentline yesterday to chat through some of the issues. I felt very stuck before the session. I am going to have a few difficult months, the psychologist told me that it was normal to feel anxious about the things that are coming up and we discussed ways to manage that as best as I can, so basically I am expecting the next few months to be very difficult and challenging and to try and use it to grow further.

Had a really good counselling session last night. Very important lightbulb moment as a result. I believe I make people behave badly toward me and what's more that I deserve it . So a lot of the anger I felt about that incident was tied up with shame. Shame of there being something about me that makes it ok to be sbusive.
logically I know this is not true but it is a subconcious belief which as it got brought to the surface last night I felt something shift.
I also felt very touched that one of the mums who had witnessed the incident wrote a letter complaining to the gym. I felt very validated by her. There is only a handful of times that someone (apart from dh) has stood up for me.
Something else happened during this incident that had been bothering me. One of the other mums came up to me while it was all going on and said 'You weren't rude to him, were you?'. I spoke about this to her today (very unlike me...go smithfield). I said I wasn't responsible in any way for that man's behaviour, even if I had been calling him names or shouting that doesnt excuse his behaviour or make me responsible.
I feel very liberated by these thoughts. That I am not responible for others behaviour. Something other people may take as red. I never truly knew!

ftp Sorry you had a bad dy y'day. Are you feeling any better today? try not to be hard on yourself over small things.
Wrt touching. Yes, I am like this. I dont even like dh touching me.
I think it is normal wrt our upbringings because we peobably associate touch with negativity. So when you were touched by your parents, and siblings it was aggressive, hurtful not loving and nurturing.

double hope I didnt say anything to trigger or upset you in my post? Im probably being paranoid but you disappeared and I hope I didnt inadvertently offended you.

grace Hooray for your friends coming to your rescue with the new computer ,
I know what you mean about that experience you had at xmas. I had similar with sil and mil. I was becoming the fixer again as they are not speaking. I have stepped back from that again now.
Perhaps you are anxious about the email? About detaching, it is a very painful process and never easy. Take care of yourself.

chuckie you are more than welcome here. When your ready please tell us some more about your relationship with your dad. As grace said, you will get all the validation you need on this thread.

mh that sounds very positive. You seem stronger each time in you post. It makes me feel excited about embarking myself on the counselling process.

TRS! omg, you had the very same thing in your session that I had in my session!

I believe I make people behave badly toward me and what's more that I deserve it . So a lot of the anger I felt about that incident was tied up with shame. Shame of there being something about me that makes it ok to be sbusive.

I had organised for a professional declutter to come around today to look over what I needed help with, well dd2 needed help with her mess in the spare room and I am NOT doing it, so told her she has to do it or I will take money from her account and pay someone else to do it, so organised this woman today. She turned up with a strange man, I don't know this woman from Adam and she did not tell me she was bringing someone. When she introduced him and said she brings him along for the first visit as she has no idea who she is meeting, I said well you never told me you were bringing a man, then it was awkward and the man was making faces of the best way I can think is anger at me... I said well I have no one here with me and I don't know you either, awkardness, then she said do you want him to wait in the car, he got all stroppy with his behaviour, when I said yes I would prefer him to go and wait in the car, and I said so it is ok for you to be offended but not ok for me to be, he then pretended he had no problem, in the end the woman looked uncomfortable, and asked do I want to go ahead, and I said no I don't actually. I don't like the idea of her not telling me she was brining someone, and I was to have two strangers in my home and no option to have someone for me, I didn't like the way she operated, and I told her, and I feel good for doing that. I will not allow people to treat me as if they and their needs are more important than my needs anymore!

Oh fuck i just had a car crash.

My MIL was driving and was at a roundabout she braked hard as the lights change to red and another car ramed into the back of us.

There was a big bang and wheels skiding and then my son was crying.

Now i had imagened what i would do if we were in a car crash as i'm so scared of anything happening to my son. When he was first born i was so anx tht i didn't want him to sleep just incase he didn't wake up and then when he was asleep i didn't want him to wake up as i couldn't cope looking after him and i hated it when he cried. I had PND and iwas in knots about my son all the time. I just couldn't relax, i felt overwhelmed by the responiblitiy to keep him safe while at the same time feeling as if i was not a good mum and that i didn't want to have him. I thou about calling ss eeryday for them to come take him off me but at the same time terrify that something would happe to him.

So i thought i would kill anyone who hurt my son, violence is what i was shown as a child and what i did as a teenager untill i saw the light. I know i get very angry and aggresive and i try so hard to stop this pattern of behaviour and i'm deternimed to NOT pass this on to my child. But i always thought i needed to work hard to stop my self displaying the aggresive behaviour my family had taught me.

So when we got bumped guess what the first hing i thougt about was?

MY SON. I jumped out the car and checked on my son i got him out the car and i huged and kissed him and got on the pavement. I had no feelings of aggresion toward the other drive i just wanted my son to be ok.

(His is ok by the way)

In that momment i realised i am not my mum or my dad and i am not as damaged as i thouth i was.

I have changed. I am not violent and nor will my son be.

It feels so good to know i'm not like them. I think this is a great starting point for me to work on.

I also relised how my i love and care formy son something which deep down i wa afread of as i was never loved as a child i was scared i could never realy love my son.

I'm going to stop now as i'm crying too much but its happy tears as i'm not like them and i love my son.

I am glad you and your ds are ok from the car crash, and I am pleased that the experience showed you some good qualities you have.