Ladies who don't mind their DP going to lap dancing clubs ....

[nappyaddict]

Do you mind them having a dance in a private room where even though touching is not allowed it is common for the girl to sit and dance cms away from their crotch/face?

I would be fucking furious these days if DH said he'd been using our combined cash to pay for sex. I'd feel doubly betrayed: that he was happy to exploit other women, and that I was contributing financially to it. I don't use his wages to lech at naked, younger and more attractive men.

Plus, I worked in a bar opposite a lap dancing club and the women who worked there had some lovely anecdotes, like the girl who got puked on by a punter. Twice. The thought of DH joining in with shite like that makes my skin crawl.

He has been to a couple of these clubs on stag nights in the past but I am older and much, much better informed and less tolerant of bullshit now.

Isn't it called lapdancing because the lapdancer sits on the lap of the customer and ...well ....dances? Therefore, there is by definition, contact???!

I've had a lap dance with a dude. My friends thought it would be funny for my 19th birthday at some male strip club we went to in Montreal (where strip clubs are completely normal).

I can assure you that there's nothing worse than a dude dancing on a stool and waggling his limp tadger in your face. I almost died laughing. I think it almost hit my chin at one point! Fell off my chair in hysterics.

Men: not so funny. They just sit there, transfixed. It's kind of creepy. Mind you, men are different creatures. If my dancing dude had done his bit with a huge hard-on, I might not have mocked him so much. I'd have just run out of the club in fear!

I know where you live, Malificence

My H was with a party of work colleagues a few years ago and the majority was keen to go to a lapdancing club; a few wanted a private dance. H was the first to say that he despised these places and wouldn't be going and to his amusement, several of the ones who had appeared to be mad keen on going, changed their tune and agreed that it wasn't their scene either.

These places are exploitative on so many levels; to the workers, the punters and in a political sense, towards all women and how we are viewed and treated in society. It angers me that some men want to go to them and saddens me when their partners feel unable to express their boundaries and expectations.

I had a lapdance once. It was utterly bizarre. The only dancer who would do private dances for women was really aggressive and scary. Unless you actually find the existance of boobies a turn on, there is nothing there. Yes there is contact, yes there is full nakedness and...meh.

DH used to go to a local club quite a lot, but he doesn't now. I think a lot of it comes down to us having girls- it was all fine when we were being all libertarian about it and free market and everything, but now I think I have realised it breaks my cast iron ok - ness - of - sex -acts rule.

Anything is ok, as long as everyone involved gives full and informed consent

I don't think that paying allows for anything to be properly consented to. Too much of an inbalance of power. Plus my definition of consent involves anyone involved, and to me that includes anyone who feels they are in a relationship with anyone included, so the DPs of the dancer and the dancee would have to give full and informed consent as well...too much messing about for a very low level of sexiness.

I have recently had this issue arise amongst a spate of other horrible issues, having been told by H that he had attended one whilst away on business 'to see what it was like'. I cannot describe the immediate sinking feeling and loss of any respect i may have had for him. In my mind, men who will pay for any form of action when they have a partner are showing themselves to be individuals who don't value women, their woman at home, or their relationship. Call me frigid or a drama queen, but I find it so sad that women these days are expected to be 'cool' with this type of behaviour, instead of expecting their husbands to adore them and show respect by not having some nude lass gyrating in his face. Despite an overt and prevalent sense of entitlement present in society, it is my feeling that we are not entitled to go to any means to entertain or please ourselves, where those means are to the detriment of others (the dancers, the partners). Put very simply, I personally feel that when we took our vows, that indicated that neither of us would actively seek to see others naked in sexual situations. Having said that, many women are genuinely ok with it, and that is their choice and I wouldn't judge...each to his own and all that. I just find the whole thing creepy, and also wonder what these men would do if the dancer who wandered into the private room was his daughter. Would he still feel that it's 'just' something people do, 'just' a fantasy or an act?

I would leave my DH if he went to a lapdancing club, but then I am insecure.

Oh good! Another lap dancing thread.

CN, I am very far from insecure and I too would leave my husband

I think it stems from great security, tbh, to say "no I will not pretend to be "cool" with this, I object on political grounds, I do not respect men who do this, our relationship would be finished if you did"

It's called boundaries and for me, that is where a very clear (and secure) one lies. He can cross it because I could not stop him, but he knows what would happen if he did.

AFFAMP, I think you are absolutely right to take that stance. I guess if I could look beyond my insecurities, I would take that view also.

I am afraid that I am scarred by a historical porn problem that my husband had, and unfortunately that seems to inform everything I think and feel about myself.

i don't see what's secure about continuing to stay married to a twat tbh.

My DH has been to lapdancing clubs (a combo of stag nights and the folly of youth).

We haven't talked about this for a while, but he certainly hasn't been since we had our first daughter. Having little girls (and growing up) has changed his views on this, I suspect.

But - in answer to the OP- while I expect DH probably did have one of those private dances on his stag, in general yes I think I mind. It's the idea of the "permanently available woman" that I find so offensive (as DH well knows). But then he's said more than once that there is nothing sexy about having a random fanny waved in your face. If he was someone who went to lap dancing clubs after work or on a regular Sat night, I think he'd be married to someone else (or maybe still at home with his mum).

I think the problem is with the regularity of it.

I don't mind my DP going cos he only goes on birthday's, stags and work dos. If he were to end up there every Saturday night it would be a different story.

Oh and he knows I wouldn't be happy if he went to one of the seedy backstreet lap dancing clubs which are excuses for brothels. There's a place called Cuddles (actually I think it's Bunny's now) where it is well known that you can there for anything from a handjob to full blown sex. That I feel would be supporting the exploitation of women.

Dp wouldn't go, he can get that at home. Plus I wouldn't be happy if £60 plus quid went on a dance when it can buy me a new fridge.

Any men who have partners and go to these clubs out of choice are gross IMO.

Just found out DH did go to a lap dancing club on a business trip. Feel very and . He's on two strikes now. Twat. I don't think he does like women very much. Not as people, anyway.

Why do you make the distinction? They are all exploitative of women. Why does your DP want to go to these places at all?

Whenever these threads arise, female posters with partners who go to these clubs, assign the men into two categories. The ones who go for the sexual thrill and the ones who insist that they only go because their mates want to, despite the fact that they are paying four times the price of a drink.

I'm sure the latter group of posters would rather think of their partners as weak and stupid, rather than misogynistic, but what does that say about those men and how they have been infantilised by their female partners?

The posters in the first group who are at least honest and admit that their partners are going for the sexual thrill, defend this by claiming that they are totally secure in their relationships and that their partners have an entirely different view of the lapdancers than they have of their female relatives. In doing so, they admit that the men divide women into two camps; the sort of women it's okay to leer at and "normal" women where that behaviour is unacceptable.

Why is it ever acceptable to say that some women are more equal than others?

This argument is the same as it is for prostitution. All the while people are prepared to pay for a woman's sexuality and not her individual skills, talents and humanity, we will never have an equal society.

Good post whenwill. Sorry to hear that butterbur

ANyfucker,

You treat men like toddlers. Just read your posts. Do you make your husband sit on the naughty stool for a time out when he crosses one of your boundaries.

And as for you being secure; methinks you doth protest too much...

I used to go lapdancing semi regularly (though rarely with my own cash) when it was a part of the City scene. Never been in a private room though so I cannot vouch for that one way or another. It is just a place to chill and chat with some mild titillation. I have chatted to a variety of english lapdancers and none seem to have been coerced into it. Of course, I cannot vouch for a fact and maybe they have made up good stories but my feeling is that it is just a relatively easy way for them to make some cash for a short period of time.

Thank goodness Larry's arrived with his sage like wisdom.

DP did get invited to go to one once while on a business trip (he works in an investment bank - sadly it is incredibly common) and said he went in for a bit, was totally grossed out and left (he was with clients, who were totally hammered and ended up going every night). He doesn't feel happy or comfortable with it, and I wouldn't want to be with someone who is.

He's told me about work colleagues of his who go regularly for kicks, but they are rather sad and desperate individuals.

Actually Larry, the women who treat their partners as "toddlers" are the ones who say "Tsk, men...! What are they like eh?" in response to lapdancing clubs, porn, not "seeing" housework, failure to buy presents or remember birthdays or indeed any behaviour that causes women to say that men are "different", normally in relation to behaviour that wouldn't be acceptable in women.

Whereas AF and many of the other posters on this thread, treat men as adults with their own free will and a brain in their head.

I have almost as much irritation with women who infantilise men, as I do with the men who think it's acceptable to behave badly, because they are "men".