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Original poster

How to recover from an emotional affair

118 replies

memorylapse · 12/12/2010 08:46

long story..posted about this before in relationships but cant find the thread..

DH and I have been together for 15 years..6 years ago we split because I became ill and he couldnt copeHmm got back together had another beautiful baby in April.

in late september I realised that DH had been distant for a few weeks and finally challenged him..his response was that he wanted to leave me as he didnt think he loved me anymoreSad

we were due to move house the next day so did and DH continued to live with us..whilst I tried to make sense of it all..
2 weeks later I discovered that he had been having an emotional affair with a woman he worked withSad
it all added up..during this time..he had started working out, losing weight, looking at porn on the internet and texting this woman up to ten times aday if it was his day off and vice versa..he was texting her when I was working..or if had nipped out to the shops..conveniently..every single text was deletedSad

DH denied it was anymore than friendship but admitted that he cared for her..and that he looked forward to seeing her work..looking back..the actual attraction may have been there longer as he went to her birthday dinner when I was still pregnant and told me partners werent invited..this wasnt true.

as soon as I found out he promised to stop texting her..yet when he went away on a conference overnight she had texted him again (I demanded he show me the texts)
DH was sharing a room with another manager)male) and it was a posh hotel..just before he went he finished the grotto at his place of work (he manages a garden centre) so the first text was sent by her it said
" Grotto looks lovely..you are clever! Have a lovely time and dont give into the drunken advances of those women xx"

he texted her back saying

"Im sharing with Mike..bath is in the middle of the room..wont be getting in that without my speedos on"

her reply

" What a waste! never mind, enjoy yourself and dont forget to keep your hand on your ha'penny xx"

do they seem innocent?? I dont know..

I was furious and told him no more texts..since then he had one more from her whilst he was at home..and she was at work

"just eating my chocolate pud..microwaved to perfection..mmmm xx"

DH says Im making a fuss over nothing..has promised not to text her anymore..but says he cant help it if she still texts him

hes begging me to try again but I feel that there is an attraction there..and as long as they work together..we cant move forwardSad

OP posts:
PBGirl · 12/12/2010 10:16

Hello Memory. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.

I don't really know what to say but wanted to give you a bump.

What I do know, is that your husband is going to have to make is mind up. If he really wants to try again with you he is going to have to agree to stop texting this woman, he can't have both.

In fact, if he wants you back like he says he does he should be prepared to go to the ends of the earth for you. His excuse that he can't help but reply if she texts him is pathetic. He is being very selfish.

ChasingSquirrels · 12/12/2010 10:20

he can stop her texting him - he can change his mobile number and not tell her his new one.
he can completely blank her at work.
he can have nothing to do with her.
If you and your marriage mean enough to him that he wants to make it work above all else - he would do these things.

He has to decide what he wants, and you have to decide what you want.

ChasingSquirrels · 12/12/2010 10:21

and I just want to give you a hug.

am sure more useful posters will be along soon

Original poster
memorylapse · 12/12/2010 10:26

thanks both..unfortunately he claims she needs to have his number as she is one of the shop supervisors and also claims he has to speak to her at work as they cash up together etc..
Hmm

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 12/12/2010 10:29

so, is he looking for another job so that he doesn't have to do those things?

QueeferSantaland · 12/12/2010 10:31

Those texts are utterly inappropriate.

If he is serious about you he will change his number, block her email, even look for another job.

If he won't, tbh he needs to leave. He's like a dog with two dicks while you're letting him stay and he's still in contact with her.

Original poster
memorylapse · 12/12/2010 11:05

nope he isnt looking for another jobSad
he makes excuses for not changing his number saying shes a supervisor..blah blah she needs his number...

Ive called in to the garden centre a few times to find him on his break with herHmm

OP posts:
PBGirl · 12/12/2010 13:01

I think you need to first of all find out if he is being honest about the level of contact. Can you access his phone bills, emails etc? I would at least check his phone bill to see how often they have been texting/calling each other.

You aren't going to be able to sort any of this out until you know your H can admit that his behaviour is unacceptable.

It sounds a little bit to me like he is his own priority in his life (leaving you because you were will for example).

Do you think he is quite a selfish person?

When was the birthday dinner that he went to without you?

Original poster
memorylapse · 12/12/2010 18:04

I actually found out because I accessed the phone bill..the contract was taken out in my name 2 years when septembers bill came in it was more than usual so I went online to check the bill..and discovered the texts..I got hold of his phone and checked the number..it was her..went into messages, call log..all deleted...

now I find myself checking his phone bill everyday

OP posts:
Original poster
memorylapse · 12/12/2010 18:05

forgot to add the birthday meal was in March when I was 8 months pregnantHmm

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 12/12/2010 19:03

whether something is still going on or not - you don't trust him, and from what you say he isn't being honest with you.
And you need to know how to move on from there.
For me - moving on with him, would involve his total honesty, and commitment to me.

Original poster
memorylapse · 12/12/2010 19:10

chasing squirrels you are right..the trust has gone..I have told him I want to talk tonight when the kids are in bed..and I want complete honesty

OP posts:
Original poster
memorylapse · 12/12/2010 19:12

PBGirl..yes in answer to your question he has always been quite selfish..has very little regard for my feelings and is fine as long as everything is going HIS way..

OP posts:
IAmReallyFabNow · 12/12/2010 19:17

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I think it might be time you laid things on the line. Tell him what you want him to do and if he does it X will happen and if not Y will.

Remember, whatever he says, you have done nothing wrong.

Original poster
memorylapse · 12/12/2010 19:40

IAM..oh he has already blamed me for it allSad

OP posts:
IAmReallyFabNow · 12/12/2010 19:43

AngrySad What has he said?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2010 19:53

time for an ultimatum, or carry on being made a fool of

sorry about that

Original poster
memorylapse · 12/12/2010 20:08

IAm..He has said that I was hell to live with after DD was born..that he hated coming home from work and actually preferred being at workSad

OP posts:
IAmReallyFabNow · 12/12/2010 20:22

That is just awful.

What are you going to do?

Original poster
memorylapse · 12/12/2010 20:31

well..Im waiting for all the DCS to go to bed so we can have yet another talk..he has opened up more and more over the last few weeks..Im going to base my decision on tonights talk..

I feel sickSad

OP posts:
IAmReallyFabNow · 12/12/2010 20:34
Sad

Good luck. I really feel for you.

PBGirl · 12/12/2010 21:22

That's awful Memory, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I hope your talks give you some clarity.

Come back and let us know how it goes.

Good luck x

Original poster
memorylapse · 12/12/2010 21:28

he has just gone upstairs to see DD it seems he was also messaging an ex gf on facebook and has told me he considered leaving me for the first time not long after we got back together in 2007

OP posts:
Doha · 12/12/2010 22:10

What a tosser. This man is always looking for an excuse and lays the blame totally at your feet.

Why would you want to try again. He cannot be trusted.

Original poster
memorylapse · 12/12/2010 23:06

well it looks like the end of the road for us..he has sadly try to put the full blame on me for the way he has felt.

He said there were several times when he questioned if he could stay with me...Im crying buckets right now..Ive told him our marriage has come to the end of the roadSad

OP posts:
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