How to recover from an emotional affair

[memorylapse]

long story..posted about this before in relationships but cant find the thread..

DH and I have been together for 15 years..6 years ago we split because I became ill and he couldnt cope got back together had another beautiful baby in April.

in late september I realised that DH had been distant for a few weeks and finally challenged him..his response was that he wanted to leave me as he didnt think he loved me anymore

we were due to move house the next day so did and DH continued to live with us..whilst I tried to make sense of it all..
2 weeks later I discovered that he had been having an emotional affair with a woman he worked with
it all added up..during this time..he had started working out, losing weight, looking at porn on the internet and texting this woman up to ten times aday if it was his day off and vice versa..he was texting her when I was working..or if had nipped out to the shops..conveniently..every single text was deleted

DH denied it was anymore than friendship but admitted that he cared for her..and that he looked forward to seeing her work..looking back..the actual attraction may have been there longer as he went to her birthday dinner when I was still pregnant and told me partners werent invited..this wasnt true.

as soon as I found out he promised to stop texting her..yet when he went away on a conference overnight she had texted him again (I demanded he show me the texts)
DH was sharing a room with another manager)male) and it was a posh hotel..just before he went he finished the grotto at his place of work (he manages a garden centre) so the first text was sent by her it said
" Grotto looks lovely..you are clever! Have a lovely time and dont give into the drunken advances of those women xx"

he texted her back saying

"Im sharing with Mike..bath is in the middle of the room..wont be getting in that without my speedos on"

her reply

" What a waste! never mind, enjoy yourself and dont forget to keep your hand on your ha'penny xx"

do they seem innocent?? I dont know..

I was furious and told him no more texts..since then he had one more from her whilst he was at home..and she was at work

"just eating my chocolate pud..microwaved to perfection..mmmm xx"

DH says Im making a fuss over nothing..has promised not to text her anymore..but says he cant help it if she still texts him

hes begging me to try again but I feel that there is an attraction there..and as long as they work together..we cant move forward

So sorry memorylapse :( (((((((hug)))))))))

Very late to this thread, but so sorry for the way things have unfolded. Keep posting and refuse point blank to take responsibility for your H's behaviour choice.

How are you this morning memorylapse? Have you done anymore talking? Has he seen the error of his ways yet?

I am so sorry, ML

he is very, very wrong to try to pin all the responsibility on you

he is bargaining away his shitty choices and you do not have to accept the blame

tell him "this is your choice, I will not accept you blaming me" and then keep your dignity and let him go

he isn't worth holding on to

thanks all..

I feel pretty empty this morning,but different..stronger in a way..

last night he said that after I fell, ill when dd2 was born (6 years ago) I changed he said I became bad tempered, difficult to live with..coupled with my illness he couldnt cope..hence our split then ..he said when we got back together I seemed harder (quelle surprise!!!) and that I wasnt the woman he married..he said on several occasions..he questioned if he could stay with me but always answered yes because he loved me..

it all came to a head in August of this year he said when I had a go at him about something..shouted at him..and he thought.."actually I cant stay" and deduced that this must mean he had fallen out of love with me..

he said our life felt like a drugery because he was doing the night feeds because I had a relapse in my illness, was exhausted and because I only ever spoke to him to rant at him (fgs I was exhausted running a business and looking after 5 kids and a new baby)
he thought I didnt love him..he added an ex gf on fb, his first love..and they got chatting..they sent each other innuendo filled messages, talked about the old days when they were teens..and on several occasions he said she messaged him and told him he was the one that got away..

he said he stopped it because it started to feel dangerous and he wasnt comfortable with it..he deleted his fb account..

then he started texting the woman from work after they went on a mountain walk as a works group..he said it started off chatty but he did start confiding in her and told her he was unhappy..he claims he never looked at her that way..that she was/is a friend and does not seem to understand that what he did was wrong..(because he hid it from me)
he said he is her manager and HAS to speak to her at work but HAS offered to look for another job..

he said he doesnt blame me for what he did, but that me as a person and the way I behaved was what prompted him to want to go..but he said ultimately he does love me but is not sure how much or even if he is IN love with me...he said he wants us to start again but cannot promise me that he wont leave me at some point if things dont feel any better...

he has done a lot of things out of character inc booking a solo skydive and I personally think he has had a mid life crisis..

this morning he said he didnt want anyone else..in fact he said he felt that if he didnt stay with me he just wanted to be on his own..

this morning I had a text from him that just said
"sorry" xxxx

Oh no. I am sorry for you.

You sound a strong woman and I wish you luck.

He is out of order blaming everything on you. If he had a problem he should have talked to you about it without getting in touch with an ex. Unless of cause you have super psychic powers .

his excuse was "I couldnt talk to you without you ripping my head off"

Look, whatever the problems that existed in your relationship, the fact is that contacting old flames on Facebook and "confiding" in someone he wanted to have sex with, were absurd choices that were the death knell to your relationship. I imagine that if he thought you would "rip his head off" if he tried to talk to you about his concerns, you'd hardly want to hug him in a warm embrace when you found out he had been having not just one, but two affairs .

You both had a responsibility to your relationship, but you didn't, repeat didn't have any responsibility for his infidelity.

His version of events seems to rely entirely on you having to change, to secure his fidelity. But as I keep saying on here, infidelity is never exclusively relational. He would like to think that it is, because then he's got a ready-made excuse for why he wants sex with other women. If you both really want to get to the bottom of why he chose infidelity over an adult chat with his life partner and mother of his 5 kids, he should start looking inwards, not outwards and not at you or the relationship.

What is it about him that caused him to make that choice, when others existed?

Did you rip his head off?

I suspect not and he is just trying to lay it all on you .

he will never take any responsibility for his own happiness will he

what a restless little soul he is... aww

so he cannot guarantee to stay with you unless things go his way ?

well I would say that unless you

1. give him blowjobs whenever he feels like it

20 continually massage his fwagile ikkle ego

3. do all the shitwork with the business, kids, housework etc

4. bend over backwards to please him, whilst simultaneously killing yourself in the process....

he will fuck off with the next pair of twinkly tits eyes that shows him the slightest bit of attention

is that any way to live a life ?

I think the thing that hurt more for me is the fact that he says he cant promise he will stay with me..its like he is saying..Ill do for now..until something better comes along

Im devastated..DD is only 8 months old..but I know Ill cope..somehow..

and no..I didnt rip his head off..I have done a lot of angry crying though (snot etc)

I phoned him at work..he says hes sorry hes confused..Ive told him he can be confused till the cows come home..he will do it without me..but I do not want him to go before christmas..that wouldnt be fair on the dcs

anyfucker..you hit the nail on the head...and no its no way to live..Im 38..I deserve to find a new life for myself

I hope you do, ML

I don't agree with the Xmas thing, though

what I suspect will happen is that your initial hurt will fade a little, he will be a good boy over the festive season and before you know it you will be giving him another chance in the New Year

he will never feel the true force of the consequences of his actions, because there is always a reason to sweep things under the carpet where kids are involved

imagine for him... a cold Xmas away from the bosom of his family that he is happy to trash at any other time of year...

don't swallow anything for the children is my advice, although I can see why people do < shrug >

AF..I thought about it actually and decided that a one bedroomed flat over christmas is all he deserves..I will never make things difficult for him with regards to the children..he is still their dad but I need to start my new life NOW.. I have phoned him at work and told him Ive found some one bedroomed flats on right move which I will arrange viewings on..that shook him

Well I'm glad your anger has risen, but would he be looking at flats to view for you if you had threatened to leave him with 5/6 kids and had two affairs? If he's technically savvy enough to negotiate Facebook, he's more than capable of looking up Right Move himself. Harumph!!

well, love, that is what I would do

although he would be arranging his own viewings

I am glad when I see women taking a hard line with situations like this. I truly don't understand why the deceived and disrespected partner (in some cases) makes all the concessions and nothing much changes for the twat that blew it all apart.

consequences my dear

I identified a little while ago though, that my very nature is rather punitive, so make sure you are happy with that aspect of chucking him out. Many people would say being wholly punitive helps no-one. Speak to your family/friends in RL and see what they say before you make any final decisions.

Bottom line though, you do that to me, you feel the coldness of my reaction. < shrug again >

WWIFN..Ive only done it because he probable wouldnt...sigh

am sat here bawling my eyes out...I wish it didnt hurt so much

thanks AF..I just wish I didnt feel so shit..chances are the git will probably shack up with text woman

I am so sorry, love

it hurts like fuck, because he has taken your love and smashed it to pieces

now...you know you have to withdraw it, don't you ?

it was yours to give, you can take it back any time you like and don't let him hurt you any more

if he does shack up with text woman, so be it

Let those tears come, they are normal and will be healing. You have had the most dreadful shock in recent days.

Im in a terrible state..have just bawled down the phone to my mum

take support where you can

can your mum come and see you ?

speak to a RL friend ?

don't look to him for any comfort

mum lives 50 mins away so cant come tonight, she is coming over tomorrow..got a daughter of 20..will phone her