How to recover from an emotional affair

[memorylapse]

long story..posted about this before in relationships but cant find the thread..

DH and I have been together for 15 years..6 years ago we split because I became ill and he couldnt cope got back together had another beautiful baby in April.

in late september I realised that DH had been distant for a few weeks and finally challenged him..his response was that he wanted to leave me as he didnt think he loved me anymore

we were due to move house the next day so did and DH continued to live with us..whilst I tried to make sense of it all..
2 weeks later I discovered that he had been having an emotional affair with a woman he worked with
it all added up..during this time..he had started working out, losing weight, looking at porn on the internet and texting this woman up to ten times aday if it was his day off and vice versa..he was texting her when I was working..or if had nipped out to the shops..conveniently..every single text was deleted

DH denied it was anymore than friendship but admitted that he cared for her..and that he looked forward to seeing her work..looking back..the actual attraction may have been there longer as he went to her birthday dinner when I was still pregnant and told me partners werent invited..this wasnt true.

as soon as I found out he promised to stop texting her..yet when he went away on a conference overnight she had texted him again (I demanded he show me the texts)
DH was sharing a room with another manager)male) and it was a posh hotel..just before he went he finished the grotto at his place of work (he manages a garden centre) so the first text was sent by her it said
" Grotto looks lovely..you are clever! Have a lovely time and dont give into the drunken advances of those women xx"

he texted her back saying

"Im sharing with Mike..bath is in the middle of the room..wont be getting in that without my speedos on"

her reply

" What a waste! never mind, enjoy yourself and dont forget to keep your hand on your ha'penny xx"

do they seem innocent?? I dont know..

I was furious and told him no more texts..since then he had one more from her whilst he was at home..and she was at work

"just eating my chocolate pud..microwaved to perfection..mmmm xx"

DH says Im making a fuss over nothing..has promised not to text her anymore..but says he cant help it if she still texts him

hes begging me to try again but I feel that there is an attraction there..and as long as they work together..we cant move forward

councelling

I wouldn't even bother wih counselling in this situation, tbh

what is the point ?

if another person has to tell you how fucking shit you are...

Please stop calling him DH.

He sounds utterly dreadful and is leading you a merry dance.

Hi, new to this thread and just read through...I'm so very sorry for your awful situation.

My advice is to get him out of the house to that one bedroom flat asap (this weekend) and get yourself separated.

IF you feel you want to give counselling atry, THEN only do it once he has gone. This relationship needs to start right back at the beginning again.

However, I would say hating your DD would be a deal breaker for me...and the hideously selfishly babyish emotional crap he is spouting.
You don't deserve this, you really truly don't

Hi, just been reading this thread. What strikes me in addition to the other posts in December (which I agree with) is, has he at any stage considered you (and the childre)? I mean, what can he do to make it better, e.g. helping with the business, family, house, your well being etc., to make life easier for you so lessen your tiredness, illness and so on? Has it all been about his wants/gratification with cause and blame coming back to you?

totally what homemade said

home made..no he has never discussed that..

he has now said this evening that he does dd but doesnt feel as strong a bond with her as he did with the others..still hurts very much..I watch him with her and there is no glimmer of affection or love..I dont think he has ever really cuddled or kissed her apart from when she was newborn..everything he does is because he has to..ie changing nappies etc

I don't now how you can calmly stand by and watch that, sorry

ML so sorry to hear what you are going through. Your story is similar in a lot of respects to mine almost 3 years ago. XH had what he claimed to be an emotional affair (was infact like most a full blown sexual affair too) with someone at work whilst I was pregnant and the first year after our daughter was born.

I went to hell and back and although I don;t regret trying I now realise that if he had loved me like a husband should he wouldn't have had ANY type of affair. He never once tried to make amends and like your H blamed me at every opportunity.

There was lots of useful advice posted on my thread that, at the time I didn't heed.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/497586-how-am-i-going-to-get-through-this-long-post

BTW I am now divorced have my own lovely house, amazing new career and have had lots of interest from some lovely blokes!

It's hard work being a single mum but I am a MILLION times happier now I am without him in my life.

You really do deserve better x

another attempt at link :)
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/497586-how-am-i-going-to-get-through-this-long-post

Him not loving his baby would be a deal breaker for me unless there was a very very good reason for it, and no, I can't think of one.

You need to get rid of him so you can get on with your life.

AF..in fairness..I havent done knowingly..it was only when he made this revelation before christmas that I found myself looking back at his relationship with her..

I watched him with her this evening and he is just going through the motions..so I have made the decision to ask him to leave..I could probaly cope with him not loving me..but not loving his own child..no I cant..but its not all black and white because we have 4 other children 2 of whom are 9 and 6 and are going to be devastated as hes always been very close to them...I guess Im scared too that I know if we split..he just wont bother with dd..where as I guess I hoped if we stayed together that bond would grow

onwards..thank you i will go and have a look at your thread

good for you. I actually do think this is something you have to do if the marriage has any chance. You need to start agin and try rebuilding love and trust...or go separate ways.

This is better in the long run for your older kids, it keeps them away from all the arguments and nasty stuff

good luck

just read whole thread and i am sorry you have been going thru this.I too was in a similar situation with ex dh-4 kids one only baby tough long hours job,big mortgage,been together 18yrs,he had had an affair and half heartedly wanted to come back but blamed me for everything told me i was nasty and boring and fat and didnt let him smoke weed in the house like other wives
Right,listen up. It is the most painfull and difficult thing to do to end a marriage especially if you think they will be going to someone else,so when they say they want to stay/go for counselling etc.you have a brief opportunity to stop the pain and will listen to any bollox tthey come out with and its soothing to take the blame yourself cos that means they havent really hurt you cos its all your fault.
Equally painfull is staying with someone who doesnt love you and you cant trust and who you know doesnt really want to be with you.How exhausting is it to try to constantly keep someone happy and content whilst being a Mum and working.
My defining moment was stopping to put on full make up at the end of a night shift so id look pretty for the few moments id see him when i got home
"sod this" i said to myself and drove home and told him to leave.
I decided that the splitting up pain was the lesser of two evils but that it would be temporary whilst i got over him and got my life in order wheras the pain of staying with him was worse and would never go away.
With the help of great friends and my fab grown ds's i slowly re built my life and learnt to cope.More on tips to do that if you want.I took my dc's abroad every yr and had great fun on nights out and re inventing myself-had spent yrs as a drudge-I was 36 when he left i started feeling good about myself and re gained my confidence and had some fun.
Im now 43 re married to a gorgeous man who knows how to treat a woman and i feel secure and happy,but i felt that before i met him too.
You will be fine,can get loads of help and advice on here. Grab yourself some happiness well you are still young enough to enjoy it.
Doesnt love your baby??That says it all tbh.

Have read this thread and MY GOD this man is disgusting. The reason he refuses to bond with your dd is because as far as he sees it, she is an inconvenience - explaining her away to the OW must be a nightmare as her existence means that at some point you had sex, so there's that tired old line negated, for one.

Seriously, I forgave an affair - but only one, and if he had resumed contact after, and especially after agreeing to bring another child into the world, I would be communicating with him via a solicitor only. The reason we are together is because he agreed to be an open book and do everything he could to make me see that what he did was all about him and his flaws, not me or us.

If you continue to try and make things right, the only person you will hurt is yourself. Because once you feel he is at last home, happy, and has given up on playing away then the awful stuff really starts, where you begin to consider how he has behaved towards you during the duration. There's no way of forgiving the things he has said and done, and someone who abandons you twice when you are in greatest need (ill, small baby) to pursue their own jollies, especially ones that devastate you, is not worthy of oxygen.

I'm firmly of the belief that a decent person can have an affair through stupidity and selfishness - but only someone downright evil could do it twice, after seeing the devastation caused by the first time.

The only person he loves here is himself, and you deserve so much better. Get rid of this millstone and move on to a better place. I'm not saying it will be easy, but this is currently destroying you. He won't change, and the man you loved was an illusion.

Oh - and don't ever blame yourself over your 'affair'. VH (vile husband) has used a relatively innocent relationship as a diversion. After all, while he is whining and making you feel bad about that, you're not thinking about the catalogue of things he has actually done, are you? If that small thing has upset him so much, ask him how he'd have felt if you'd done all he has... though I don't suppose empathy is his strong point, is it?

memorylapse - well done on your decision. It is not easy. For me (different situation) looking at circumstances now (couple of years on) I am amazed a) that I took the xp's rubbish b) that I coped with break up and fast paced practicalities as well as the rubbish and c) actually life is much better and I'm an ok person (even if I do say so!). It is difficult on dc but does settle down. Remember happier mum = happier children!

I can understand the hopes you expressed but reading your posts does not fill me with promise and hope regarding his attitudes, wants and behaviours. Good luck.

homemade..thanks..it is so hard..but I know that I am desperately unhappy the way things are and I realise that being with him will not bring me happiness

Abedelia..he didnt have the EA until after I had DD

well I have told him its over and I want him to leave..I feel strangely liberated..he is asleep on the sofa and I have told him to look at flats asap

we talked again and its obvious that he blames me for any unhappiness in his life..resents our daughter and tbh resents the other children to..

I know he will probably go running to OW from work..but I know that I deserve better..a man who actually loves me..and my children esp dd...I just need this toxic man out of my life

memorylapse, good on you.

You will need to be firm with him for the next few months to keep boundaries and routines in place. Sometimes men use children to "get at" and control mums. Be aware, if it feels/sounds not quite right it won't be right.

Resenting his own children is, I think, unforgiveable and speaks volumes.

Focus on what is best for you, your health and your children. Remember none of this is your fault. He is culpable for his own behaviour and unhappiness. Your desperate unhappiness should start to ease soon.

Keep the chin up.

right well as of today..the b***d wont go and is behaving as if nothing happened..

this morning I got in the shower to find him stood outside it when I got out..I pointed out that as we were now officially seperated as far as I was concerned he had no business to do this..to which he replied..I still love you cant we make this work..I replied in the negative..I just feel tired and weary now and want him gone..
How the heck do I get him out..we jointly rent the house

He really is following a script isn't he ?

peak to your landlord

Can you afford the rent on your own ? Look into benefits, tax credits etc. Go to CAB and explain the situation...they will be able to advise you and will have heard his all before

he is sadly being totally predictable

make it work ?

really ?

what is he proposing to do to "make it work" ?

he expects you to just STFU and him to carry on as normal

I don't fucking think so, and I hope you don't get tempted into that frame of mind for an easy life, love x

It is amazing how they can rewrite history to suit what they want now!!

Be strong and keep constant. If you let him stay, he'll be back to his old ways as soon as.

He's just realising that its more comfy getting meals cooked and clothes cleaned there.

You are right...you do deserve better than him!

its amazing how different I feel..just a couple of weeks ago I would have done anything to make things work but realise that he has no intention of doing anything apart from being a selfish arsehole

a prime example..petty though it may seem..my daughter bought him a lovely tin of lily coffee for christmas..yet every day he would fill the coffee pot..for one..and just make a fresh coffee for himself..it suddenly struck me that everything he does is selfish..he only cares about himself..so long as his own needs are met..hes fine.I actually really dislike the git which is making it easier to stay focussed on getting rid of him

I must admit, he does seem hard to like