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Original poster

How to recover from an emotional affair

118 replies

memorylapse · 12/12/2010 08:46

long story..posted about this before in relationships but cant find the thread..

DH and I have been together for 15 years..6 years ago we split because I became ill and he couldnt copeHmm got back together had another beautiful baby in April.

in late september I realised that DH had been distant for a few weeks and finally challenged him..his response was that he wanted to leave me as he didnt think he loved me anymoreSad

we were due to move house the next day so did and DH continued to live with us..whilst I tried to make sense of it all..
2 weeks later I discovered that he had been having an emotional affair with a woman he worked withSad
it all added up..during this time..he had started working out, losing weight, looking at porn on the internet and texting this woman up to ten times aday if it was his day off and vice versa..he was texting her when I was working..or if had nipped out to the shops..conveniently..every single text was deletedSad

DH denied it was anymore than friendship but admitted that he cared for her..and that he looked forward to seeing her work..looking back..the actual attraction may have been there longer as he went to her birthday dinner when I was still pregnant and told me partners werent invited..this wasnt true.

as soon as I found out he promised to stop texting her..yet when he went away on a conference overnight she had texted him again (I demanded he show me the texts)
DH was sharing a room with another manager)male) and it was a posh hotel..just before he went he finished the grotto at his place of work (he manages a garden centre) so the first text was sent by her it said
" Grotto looks lovely..you are clever! Have a lovely time and dont give into the drunken advances of those women xx"

he texted her back saying

"Im sharing with Mike..bath is in the middle of the room..wont be getting in that without my speedos on"

her reply

" What a waste! never mind, enjoy yourself and dont forget to keep your hand on your ha'penny xx"

do they seem innocent?? I dont know..

I was furious and told him no more texts..since then he had one more from her whilst he was at home..and she was at work

"just eating my chocolate pud..microwaved to perfection..mmmm xx"

DH says Im making a fuss over nothing..has promised not to text her anymore..but says he cant help it if she still texts him

hes begging me to try again but I feel that there is an attraction there..and as long as they work together..we cant move forwardSad

OP posts:
IAmReallyFabNow · 13/12/2010 16:27

You are doing really well.

(Hopes that doesn't sound patronising).

Original poster
memorylapse · 13/12/2010 16:33

he has phoned from work..he said he doesnt really love me....

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 13/12/2010 16:38

Then he needs to go now. So sorry for this horrible situation and the timing of it. Sad

IAmReallyFabNow · 13/12/2010 16:45

Then it is over Sad.

I am so so sorry for you.

PBGirl · 13/12/2010 17:28

I'm so sorry for you ML. Is there somebody nearby who can come and help you with the children this evening?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 13/12/2010 17:33

so sorry, ML x

Original poster
memorylapse · 13/12/2010 19:01

no, there is no one..I feel so alone..16 years down the pan..I want to stop loving himSad

OP posts:
IAmReallyFabNow · 13/12/2010 19:05

It won't happen just like that but remember the man you loved isn't the man who has been messing around behind your back Sad.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 13/12/2010 19:08

you will stop loving him, ML, it will take time and care of yourself though

16 years is a long time to get over someone

and a long time to throw down the pan...but he did that, not you

Original poster
memorylapse · 07/01/2011 13:54

well..after the talk in December..I waited for him to come home and presented him with a packed back and told him to get the fudge out..

he refused..then proceeded to cry hysterically saying he loved me..that he would do anything to make the marriage work..the kids started crying..it was all a mess..so in my foolishness..I said he could stay till after christmas..

now we are into first week of Jan..he wants us to go to couples counselling..and make a go of things..reckons he cant live without me..

as far as I know (unless he has a secret phone) there has been no more phone contact between him and OW..he claims he loves me and thats why he couldnt leave..but isnt IN love with me..what the hell??Hmm
my head is totally scrambled..I love him..idiot that I am..and he has been a brilliant dad but as AF says I think we would probably trundle along quite happily until someone came along who really DID light his fire...

the other fly in the ointment is that he does not love our baby DDSad..and I cant live with someone who feels that way

he still works with OW ..so for all I know they could be still close at work etc..

OP posts:
Original poster
memorylapse · 07/01/2011 13:54

back should read bag

OP posts:
proudnscaryvirginmary · 07/01/2011 14:09

Hi memory, didn't post on your previous posts but just read it all. I'm so sorry for all this agony you are going through.

So 'd'h panicked at the idea of having to leave home and turned on the waterworks, he doesn't love you or DD in the way you both deserve, he will cheat on you again of that I am 100% sure, he says he's not in love with you.

To be perfectly honest, you present this post as a 'what should I do?' but the truth is all the balls are in his court and you don't have a choice. He will leave you in a month, a year, 3 years...or he will simply have more affairs.

A close friend of mine forgave her husband 2 emotional affairs, last one 3 years ago. Only now is she truly feeling the devastation and anger and realises the relationship is based on total mistrust.

I am always the one to say try to save a marriage when kids are involved. But I just don't think your marriage stands a chance and it would be better now than when your daughter is older. Sorry x

missmehalia · 07/01/2011 14:12

Have only just seem this, ML. So glad counselling's on the agenda, whatever happens. Good to hear he's feeling contrite. It may be best not to assume too much about what he does/doesn't think or feel. You'd be angry if you thought he was making assumptions about your feelings or needs.

Good luck with this!! Counselling can be hell, but I personally think it makes the light at the end of the tunnel visible a lot faster, and with greater clarity. Really hope it goes well - whatever the outcome, I'm quite sure you will be stronger as a result.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 07/01/2011 14:29

Sorry, but I don't think there's anywhere to go while he is saying he isn't in love with you and doesn't love his daughter. I suspect he is staying for convenience and co-dependance issues, not love. I think he needs to leave.

missmehalia · 07/01/2011 14:42

He's definitely realised that it can be very comfy at home. And the shock of the realisation that he would have to make tremendous efforts to see and make time for the children if he were in a separate household is probably taking hold now, too.

In a way, I agree with you, WWIFN, though I hate to predict these things one way or the other. It's a bit of a dealbreaker, though, saying you don't love your daughter!!! I find that quite shocking, actually. Perhaps some blame going on there, or some changes that went on for him around the time of DD's arrival. I'm sure it will all come to light, anyway.

Keep posting on here, if it helps.

Original poster
memorylapse · 07/01/2011 14:57

I had an emotional affair myself so Im no better than himSad it was with an old BF who lives in Europe so thats as far as it went..things were crap between me and DH..I begged him to show me affection..etc but he always acted as though he didnt really love me..ex bf was telling me how lovely I was..like a sucker I fell for it..but I didnt want him..I wanted DH to say those things to me..I stopped the EA and confessed all to DH ...he seemed devastated..I couldnt beleive how much I hurt him..he became ultra caring, loving etc, but I guess this was a knee jerk reaction to the EA..in stead of counselling..we tried for another baby..then I think he came to his senses after DD was born..strated resenting me..he said having another baby was a moment of madness he bitterly regretsSad

part of me wonders whether his EA was revenge.especially as one was with an ex gf.trouble is..he actually sees the other in RL which makes it so much harder..

OP posts:
Original poster
memorylapse · 07/01/2011 17:05

should add that my texts were over a period of a couple of months..and DH knew about the contact..I texted saying how unhappy I was etc and told ex bf about mine and DH'S angel babies,my pnuemonia etc..There was no sexual tension and I certainly never thought about having sex with this guy..but I should have been talking to DH I guess and not some person from the past who lived across the channel

I dont think DH has forgiven me despite the fact that all contact was severed and I have no means of communicating with this person

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/01/2011 18:02

ML...my advice to you has not changed one iota

who cares about the fucking waterworks ?

he cried ? boo fucking hoo

he cried because you put your foot down and threatened his cosy family set up

except he did that in the first place, didn't he ?

stop blaming yourself...your EA is no way comparable to what he is doing (and probably continuing to do)

I am sorry, but anyone who said they didn't love my baby would be gone

how can you live with him ?

AnyFucker · 07/01/2011 18:03

what the hell are you settling for here ?

get rid of him

Original poster
memorylapse · 07/01/2011 18:11

you are right AF Sad..and I cant live with him..I almost hate him at the moment..our baby girl is beautiful and I cant understand how he can love our other children but not her

OP posts:
BellaMagnificat · 07/01/2011 18:12

I'm so sorry to hear all this, I really am.

One thing in your post really leaped out at me - the business of not 'coping' when you were sick - to the point that he left you!!!!

I think nothing shows up true natures more throughly than how a partner reacts when you're sick and really need them.

There were numerous episodes during my marriage that demonstrated very plainly that H could not take the emotional responsibility most would take for granted. In fact, rather than assisting he would, metaphorically 'kick' me when I was most vulnerable.

I hate to say it, but I think he needs to go. I fully understand about your emotional affair.

Original poster
memorylapse · 07/01/2011 18:18

I know in my heart what I have to do..we talked today and once again..he tries to lump the blame on me..saying that he ended up doing this because I bled him dry and he had nothing left to give..he said Ive been a bitch for 6 years (during this time..I nearly died shortly after giving birth.had a stroke then lost two babiesHmm) and he seems to now blame me for much of his unhappiness. He said that he felt trapped in a situation he didnt want...hence the emotional affairs and tbh..I suspect that the woman at work would have or still could lead to an actual affair as he when I ask him if it was going that way..instead of saying "god no I dont look at her like that"..he replies "no..I dont think so"

OP posts:
Original poster
memorylapse · 07/01/2011 18:19

oh and Bella I completely understand about the "kicking" when down as DH seems to delight in doing that

OP posts:
maandpa · 07/01/2011 18:25

It may well have been a revenge affair ML.

Coucilling may well help make things a lot clearer for both of you. Especially him, as you seem to be getting the raw deal at the moment.

AnyFucker · 07/01/2011 18:28

ML...I don't even know him and I hate him

your relationship has no worth, seriously