How to recover from an emotional affair

[memorylapse]

long story..posted about this before in relationships but cant find the thread..

DH and I have been together for 15 years..6 years ago we split because I became ill and he couldnt cope got back together had another beautiful baby in April.

in late september I realised that DH had been distant for a few weeks and finally challenged him..his response was that he wanted to leave me as he didnt think he loved me anymore

we were due to move house the next day so did and DH continued to live with us..whilst I tried to make sense of it all..
2 weeks later I discovered that he had been having an emotional affair with a woman he worked with
it all added up..during this time..he had started working out, losing weight, looking at porn on the internet and texting this woman up to ten times aday if it was his day off and vice versa..he was texting her when I was working..or if had nipped out to the shops..conveniently..every single text was deleted

DH denied it was anymore than friendship but admitted that he cared for her..and that he looked forward to seeing her work..looking back..the actual attraction may have been there longer as he went to her birthday dinner when I was still pregnant and told me partners werent invited..this wasnt true.

as soon as I found out he promised to stop texting her..yet when he went away on a conference overnight she had texted him again (I demanded he show me the texts)
DH was sharing a room with another manager)male) and it was a posh hotel..just before he went he finished the grotto at his place of work (he manages a garden centre) so the first text was sent by her it said
" Grotto looks lovely..you are clever! Have a lovely time and dont give into the drunken advances of those women xx"

he texted her back saying

"Im sharing with Mike..bath is in the middle of the room..wont be getting in that without my speedos on"

her reply

" What a waste! never mind, enjoy yourself and dont forget to keep your hand on your ha'penny xx"

do they seem innocent?? I dont know..

I was furious and told him no more texts..since then he had one more from her whilst he was at home..and she was at work

"just eating my chocolate pud..microwaved to perfection..mmmm xx"

DH says Im making a fuss over nothing..has promised not to text her anymore..but says he cant help it if she still texts him

hes begging me to try again but I feel that there is an attraction there..and as long as they work together..we cant move forward

I fucking hate him, tbh

and I don't even know him

Love it AF..you always say what I'm thinking...but with much more gusto!

we don't have to live wih this twat though, MC

unfortunately poor ML does (or thinks she does, which is more to the point)

ML...how are things today...is he still refusing to fuck off out of your life ?

sadly he is still here

I feel ill..I just want him gone..Im so unhappy..went shopping today and found myself having a panic attack at the thought of him coming home from work...

I wouldnt want to discuss things with LL and LL at the moment and as weve only lived here since Oct..Im not sure how they would react..my tenancy expires in March so they probbaly wouldnt renew..

I cant afford the rent on my own as Im a sole trader and business is dead right now..even if it wasnt..I could never earn that much a month as I can only work weekends..

I am going to turn up ad hoc at the CAB and hope they will see me..if not..hopefully they will give me an appt date and time

yes, love, go to CAB

you need some RL practical advice about your particular situation

good idea.

You seriously need a plan on practicalities.

I know exactly how you feel with the panic attacks. I can remember being so worried that I couldn't get h1 to understand that it was over that I literally had nightmares. they only stopped when I finally got through to him.

Keep going, keep at him, find out your legal situation.

memorylapse

Any joy from CAB?
If your tenancy is up soon, remember to look out for a place for yourself. Don't forget to apply now to local authority and housing associations. You'll need to explore benefits (CAB will help with that, a lot will depend on your circumstances).
Just keep reminding yourself that decisions have been made and you are in charge. It's wearing but you can live with it short term.
You may need to consult a solicitor too. One thing at a time (although life is usually several at once.

Don't forget, if you do want to work at your relationship a separation might help in the interim. If you don't, make that consistently clear.

I have an appt with the CAB next Tuesday..unfortunately I cannot afford a solicitor as it seems Im not entitled to Legal Aid due to being self employed..will put that on the back burner for the time being..

I dont really want to move the children as we have moved 3 times in 18 months..we took out a fixed 6 month tenancy on this house so its up to the LL if he wants to keep us on a rolling tenancy once the 6 months are up.

I have spoken to the local housing assc who said that if LL was happy to keep us here then obviously they wouldnt house us..fair enough..Id rather stay here..but she did say that sadly we wouldnt be classed as priority if LL served notice as we could effectively just rent somewhere else

memorylapse. Do not do anything hasty, as you will have to make sure you are financially secure. Your DH sounds an absolute piss-taker. He was at his break with her? I know what I would have done but it's not repeatable on this page!

As said make sure you are financially stable before (chucking him out) or leaving yourself. Don't show him your hand, forewarned is forearmed. I would use an iron fist, in a velvet glove on him!

I wish you all the best in the future.

thanks..dont panic Im working out all my options..I dont think he knows what Im up to...I am still pissed that he works so closely with her..he obviously had no intention of ending that "friendship"..having your cake and eating it springs to mind

well..he is still here..hes made it perfectly clear that he has no intention of leaving..

its obvious he is staying here purely for the convenience factor..we seem to have established a complete limbo situation which neither of us can move on from..he STILL denies that his text communication with the woman from work was anything but innocent..yet if I see her..she is awkward round me..and Im not an idiot..you dont delete innocent text messages

so now I feel I just want him out because he is doing nothing to make me feel loved or cared for.and still lying about the EA..he is still working with her every day and still seems close to her..playing me for a bloody fool..or so he thinks

he is doing a charity sky dive in 3 weeks and formly beleives its all going to go wrong on the day..I think thats why he is staying..part of me knows that if the dive goes well..he will pack his bags and go..oh and of course SHE has organised to go and watch.

I need to get him out of my life but I just dont know where to start..while he is here..I feel like he is bleeding me dry..hes not even interested in me sexually which says it all really..and vice versa..because I resent him so much for the lies and everything he has done..

by the way CAB were able to offer practical advice re potential benefits etc butI dont know how the hell to get him out of the house..I cannot go myself as I have no where to go

memorylapse, so sorry it has come to this. Just bumping for you really, hope someone will be along who can advise you re: housing options, as no experience of that. Good luck.

Thanks Robberbutton..I just feel so sad and empty now..what Ive essentially been left with is a stalemate situation and a loveless marriage..

I dont think he loves me and he thinks hes going to stay until the times right to leave..

I doubt it will be for OW..but I cant be sure..there is no evidence of any more texts but at the end of the day..they work together

Id rather be on my own..and be allowed to eventually meet someone who will love and respect me

Memorylapse - he might be refusing to leave but as your lease is for 6 months there is nothing stopping you from looking for somewhere to rent for you and the children. Don't forget to leave him a note with your address though!

Sadly I cant as I dont have the deposit and first months rent and rental properties are very thin on the ground here as we live in a rural area.and certainly nothing for DSS which I would be with no income of my own....we have moved 3 times in 18 months and I refuse to move the children again.DS2 has autism and I just couldnt do it to him again(I have 4 children at home with me).I want HIM to leave

Sorry to hear that. if he is waiting for a better opportunity wanting to try and work things out then you need to let him know what he needs to do in order to make you feel that he is there for you and the DCs. And tell him you want to review progress regularly. If he doesn't pull his finger out to consider you and the DCs instead of just suiting himself then tell him it's not good enough and you want him out. Any tears can then be met with a repeated list of things you want him to do better - it's his decision todo them or not.

I think weve gone beyond that..I dont think he wants to try..and tbh neither do I..the trust has gone