He's admitted it .....I'm heartbroken

[Yogabuff]

Well DH finally admitted he cheated although he reckons it was a once off. Don't beleive that for a second. He didn't say sorry he just got pissed because I started asking questions. Why, Who etc. Then came the I love you and I want to be with my family bla bla bla.

I told him to leave and he left. I'm so angry and so hurt. Thing haven't been good for a few months it's been hard with the PND and the doc thought I had MS (got the all clear a few weeks ago) but I was worried about it for months. He should of stood by me through this, I feel so let down.

I have work tomorrow and no childcare. Looks Like I need to tell some people what's happening....

Can?t believe I?ve had 100 responses to my post. Thank you all so much for your support and advise. Oh I tend to ignore the negative unhelpful comments. Not worth anyone?s energy really.

I let H back into the house yesterday primarily because I needed to go out and think. He took care of DD all day and last night and I got a good night?s sleep in a separate room which I really needed. He?s trying to be nice and it?s making me more angry. He cleaned the house from top to bottom, washed all the clothes, cooked and did the supermarket shop. Too little to late really. I?m ok with him being in the house while I?m considering what to do next. I am sick about what he?s done, I don?t trust him and I?m heartbroken but I got married I made promises and despite everything I do love him. Silly I know! However I?m conscious that I need to be a good example for DH, what will she think of me in the future if I put up with this crap. What will she think of me if her daddy lives on the other side of the word because I didn?t give him another chance? ( H is from south America if we split up we?ll end up living in different countries)

I need to think if this relationship is worth saving and if I want to save it. These last few months H has been a lousy husband but a great dad. He was the most wonderful boyfriend and husband up until about 3-4 months ago. But who wants to be with someone who acts like this at the first major hurdle???

I only work part time but I earn good money, so thankfully I have financial independence. I am getting help with the PND and up until all this started I was doing well. I?m a strong person I?ll be ok with whatever I decided I just want to make the right decision for everyone.

a good father doesn't shag women other than his children's mother, if he made vows to her

He's from S. America? Does he hold a visa in his own right?

He hasn't apologised for fucking someone else and for getting huffy with you when you started asking questions.

Yeah, I'll bet he's being nice to you, he's realised he can't stay in the country if he doesn't hold an indefinite leave to remain visa in his own right.

Take your time and get some counselling to figure out what you want.

He's already done what he wants.

As I recall from your other thread, you have had months of awful behaviour, suspicions and denials. You don't say in your OP what exactly he has admitted to, but given that this has been going on for some time, it's very unlikely he had sex only once.

It's premature to be discussing forgiveness or separation, until you know the full story. At the moment, I expect you've got all sorts of conflicting emotions; relief that you weren't losing your mind, anger, sadness and most of all, shock.

In these situations, I always advise asking questions, listening and being slow to judgement. This is the time to get information and come to decisions in your own time. Ask that he shows you some belated respect and tells you the truth now, but if at all possible, verify it too.

So sorry that this has happened on top of everything else; it always seems this way somehow. We never read of an affair happening after the faithful partner has had a brilliant year, which is telling in itself. Just when you needed support, he did this.

Yogabuff - it is a generalisation / stereotypical view but - the concepts of marital fidelity and acceptable behaviour held in some countries can be different to those that you grew up with.

I am not in anyway excusing his behaviour and how it is made you feel whilst you struggle to cope with PND and a new baby -but if you do decide to try to work it through this is something to consider and perhaps discuss with him. He must be prepared to understand and accept your position and that of the society / country in which you both live.

The advice to move slowly regardless of how you proceed is sound and it is essential that you and your husband have full and open communication and that if you stay together you both have clearly stated and understand your expectations of behaviour. If he does have different expectations of marital fidelity he must understand that you cannot accept his views and that there would not be any tolerance for a second offence.

Yoga sorry to read what you are going through.

"I just call it how it is, or how I think it is, or how someone else might think it is.
I'm probably a bit older than some of you, so I see things from a different perspective. I'm not remotely nasty, but there is a pitch-fork mentality on MN that precludes any sensible discussion. But prod away. It doesn't hurt!"

You were missed, unless you namechanged. This is very refreshing.

In fact I don't think you name-changed, posting like yours is noticeable.

Sorry Yoga for mini hijack. I hope you make the right decision for you and your daughter.

Refreshing? This OP's been having problems from the get go. This isn't her first thread about this 'husband'.

Wonder what his visa status is, seriously.

Yes I have a lot of sympathy for her but you can't expect everyone to have seen previous threads.

With so many replies I don?t feel so anonymous now. I was on here looking for weaning advice now I?m telling people my marriage problems that I can?t tell my family.

Can you believe what he?s saying now, apparently he wasn?t unfaithful after all. Apparently he only admitted having sex once to stop me asking him if he?d been unfaithful? He reckons he just made up the lie to hurt my feelings, in his eyes I wanted to believe that he cheated, it seemed to him that I wanted to believe he was a bad person I wrote him a letter pleading for the truth, I told him that I needed him to be honest if we are ever going to stay together. He swears he?s done nothing wrong. He?s acting normal, looking after DD, cooking, organising things in the house, being here as much as he can and being patient and really nice. I told him I don?t believe him over and over but he?s sticking to his guns.

One minute (most of the time) I think piss off what do you take me for and the next I think what if I did push it too much? I?m not myself maybe I?m paranoid. He?s been out with his mates lots, he? been secretive, moody ect But can it be something else or am I being stupid to even consider he might be telling the truth? I was looking at him earlier, he looks tired, wrecked and he?s lost weight and he?s lost his spark! He looks like I feel.

He smokes weed (not in the house or near DD) it never bothered me before. It?s my opinion that weed is on a par with alcohol in the danger stakes. But now I?m worried that it might be becoming or be a problem. Do I have a husband who fucks other women or do I have a husband who has an addition problem? Is he taking something else? Or am I just the lucky lady and it?s both, god imagine I had a drug addict husband who was fucking around. Or is he a nice guys who?s stressed out so hangs around with his mates to get away from his nagging moody wife?

He can stay here on his own visa for another 2 years.

I feel like I want to leave him but not right now. I?m enjoying not being alone while I figure this out.

We had the most amazing few years. It?s only been hard for a few months is it too early to give up or should I just sort myself out, save more money, get better, find childcare and a new place and just leave?

imnotreallysure thnak you for your comment, I think our biggest problems are our cultural and languages differences, in his country sleeping with other women is widely accepted. But he promised me fidelity and the lies are a killer...

I think once you believe someone is messing with your head (which he is incidentally) and that you are still being lied to, there's no way back. Sorry. If you are someone who needs evidence to prove to yourself that you weren't going mad all this time, then go ahead and get it. I'm sure he is now very security-savvy with his phone, but if you can access his past bills for the period concerned, they will undoubtedly give you all the evidence you need.

Really, pretty much regardless of infidelity, leaving a wife who is ill and struggling, to socialise as a single man is deal-breaking territory on its own, isn't it? As for the weed, there is often a link between an addictive personality and infidelity and I have never met a weed addict yet, who wasn't a self-absorbed arse.

As an objective observer, his latest story sounds like a crock of shite I'm afraid. Perhaps he thinks you are too ill to believe your own instincts? This is where a forum like this can really help you, because I for one, wouldn't believe a word of this.

wouldnt really treat a friend or other family memeber in this way would you?

I'm with WWIFN on this yogabuff. I don't think any of it is true. I thought you were having some space from him.

Yogabuff, you are being manipulated

He is a liar, God knows what the actual truth is but he isn't telling you it

A liar, an addict, and possibly a cheater, too.

Honestly, the writing's on the wall.

Oh so liar as well as hash head, nice

I agree with wwifn, never, ever met a weed smoker who wasn't self obsessed, and boring.

Perhaps you don't have PND, perhaps you have reactive depression, thanks to a dh who goes out with his mates, gets stoned and secretive leaving you doubting yourself?

Don't believe a word of it.

Liar is not the word. I looked at his online phone bill... . It's all there, I rang her and she admitted it, It still took him a bit longer to fess up but it's all out in the open..... I'm not mad.... phew

All his things are now in a big wet pile in teh garden

Glad you have some solid evidence now. Are you OK?

Where is he?

oh, I am so sorry

what a bastard

what a lying bastard

he would rather let you think you were going batshit, and let you try and make amends for doubting him

he has treated you abominably

where is he now ?

Yoga, I hope you're ok. What a horrible situation for you. You've been lied to, cheated and he enjoys his weed. Trust me - a really bad combination. I've recently left my xh because of infidelity and dope smoking. He got a second chance and had me convinced everyting was great for years!
Sadly as I've learned on here many women have been cheated by apparently loving men and often addiction is a central issue in all that. These men don't improve. It is nothing to do with you don't doubt yourself, get a plan together and go.

Yogabuff if you want to join the recently ditched thread I am on in Relationships it's a lovely place full of woman who are trying to get over the pain and move on but also laugh, cry and rant together about it all. You'd be most welcome.

Kerry I know what you're trying to say but maybe when she's just discovered the true depths of his infidelity and flung his stuff in the garden is not a good time to say something like that. But maybe that's just me

I feel so stupid, I looked at the phone bills it's been going on about 5-6 weeks. I've just cleaned the house all day long in a mad frenzy and I've cried alot. He came over with his mate to pick up his things. His mate told me that he's been in his house all afternoon crying and and telling him how he'd ruined his life and that he loves me and DD. Croc tears.

I can't believe everything went bad so fast, he was the perfect man up until all this. I'm crushed.