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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's admitted it .....I'm heartbroken

130 replies

Yogabuff · 11/12/2010 19:09

Well DH finally admitted he cheated although he reckons it was a once off. Don't beleive that for a second. He didn't say sorry he just got pissed because I started asking questions. Why, Who etc. Then came the I love you and I want to be with my family bla bla bla.

I told him to leave and he left. I'm so angry and so hurt. Thing haven't been good for a few months it's been hard with the PND and the doc thought I had MS (got the all clear a few weeks ago) but I was worried about it for months. He should of stood by me through this, I feel so let down.

I have work tomorrow and no childcare. Looks Like I need to tell some people what's happening....

OP posts:
DuelingFanio · 11/12/2010 21:54

let's all just stopp feeding the troll, eh? FFS.

expatinscotland · 11/12/2010 21:54

And when you add 'he reckons it was a once off,' and the fact that he doesn't have the common courtesy to apologise for dipping his wick elsewhere, it sort of proves the whole self-centred with no self-control immature cunt theory.

usualsuspect · 11/12/2010 21:55

OP get this thread deleted and start again ..hope you are ok

expatinscotland · 11/12/2010 21:55

'expat,I'm not aware that the OP is mentally challenged?'

Did you bother to read the OP?

She has PND, which she's posted about elsewhere on here.

Shauri · 11/12/2010 21:55

Hi Yogabuff
[hug] I can understand where you are coming from having confronted my husband 9 months ago over the same thing.
There is no right or wrong thing to do. You will probably go through the full range of emotions from disbelief to anger to upset etc.
I was lucky as my GP was very supportive (i was 6 months pregnant with DC3) and he put me in touch with a councelling service who were superb (pay what you could afford as i couldn't afford much).
It is your choice whether to talk to family and friends etc. From my experience most have been very supportive and some had even been through similar so could talk from experience. Some had stayed with their hubby with councelling, others had left.
For me the choice was made for me cause after I threw him out he made the choice to give it a go with the other woman.
I now have what my mother describes as 'a new best friend'. Hubby visits often to see the children he loves, and unloads all his problems to me. For me I am 9 months down the line with a fantastic support network of friends and family and I CAN SURVIVE.

Whatever way this goes for you, you are a woman, and you are a mother and you are stronger inside than you know and you will grow stronger as each day passes.

Sorry for the long post but I just felt I had to reply xxx

All the best xx

Teaandchristmascakeplease · 11/12/2010 21:58

Yogabuff you're probably reeling at the moment and feeling very confused as well as angry and hurt. When my husbands affair came out it was an awful time and it was made worse by his refusal to be honest with me at all.

Take your time to work out how you feel. The general rule of thumb is 3 months on the disclosure of an affair. It's good he is giving you the space right now you need and has left.

For some people the disclosure of an affair catapults them to end a marriage that was already unsatisfactory, for others they work through it although it can take a lot of time to build up trust again, others they just can't let go of the hurt and pain and feel it's better to move on. The usual book recommended on mumsnet and may have been recommended already is Shirley Glass's excellent book.

Keep posting when you can at this difficult time. I would swing from anger to confusion a lot at this stage. It is so so hard.

Desiderata · 11/12/2010 22:05

Oh yeah. Guess I'm made of different stuff.

Delete, by all means.

Funny though! I'm rather popular in RL Wink

ChippingIn · 11/12/2010 22:47

Yoga - I'm sorry your thread has been targeted by people with their own sad agenda, try to ignore the less than helpful posts.... keep posting, the rest of us are here to help you through this x

dittany · 11/12/2010 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BaroqinAroundTheChristmasTree · 11/12/2010 22:57

Can I just apologise to the OP for getting involved in a debate about infidelity.

As someone has pointed out - this in in the relationships section and not AIBU, or Chat or similar, and is asking for support not a discussion on whether she's right to be as upset as she is.

ChaoticChristmasAngelCrackers · 12/12/2010 00:07

"Well, I think people (male or female) who do this to their spouse, especially when that spouse is very ill, are immature, self-centred, stupid cunts with no self-control who aren't worth a second of any decent person's time."

Can I add twat and wanker to that? Oh, and entitled too seeing as, from the op's post, he isn't sorry and got pissed off when she started asking questions.

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 12/12/2010 00:18

Yes Yogabuff, so sorry your thread got derailed.

Really hope you are ok and have rl friends to sit with you. x

izzywizzywoowooo · 12/12/2010 02:11

Your husband sounds like a complete twat OP and you deserve so much better.

Des You say they should think about the children shouldn't he of thought of his family before he got it out his pants?

Oh I forgot he is a poor little man who cannot cope...Hmm Bullshit.

OP I hope you are OK, must be a horrible shock to you.

ModreB · 12/12/2010 02:16

desiderata you are a troll, fol de roll

Catchthewind · 12/12/2010 06:43

Desi's not a troll afaik, she's been here for a bloody long time and I dont remember her being a troll in any way, shape or form.

IWouldNotCouldNotWithAGoat · 12/12/2010 07:16

Desiderata, please start your own thread if you want to talk about yourself so I can hide it

Catchthewind · 12/12/2010 07:30

Though I recall she can be a bit of a nuisance...

iamnotreallysure · 12/12/2010 07:34

Yogabuff - I am not sure whether you are continuing to follow this - your posted thread - as things did follow a fairly usual track last night and the purpose of your post did get lost as several typical and diametrically held views continued their fight for supremacy.

I am sorry if the views posted did not meet your needs and give you the support requested.

I am very sorry your DH has been such a total failure at such a difficult time for you. You seem to be very strong, especially with the other issues you are dealing with, and to have followed a very sensible and decisive course of action and this was almost certainly the right thing to do.

You have taken very decisive action to draw a clear line under what you quite rightly believe is totally unacceptable behaviour from your DH. Regardless of whatever you wish to do next - you have taken the first step to facilitate the future you need.

You are now in a good position to move forward in dealing with the practicalities of your position and can do so without the debilitating fears over whether he is / isn't being unfaithful.

All praise to you!

Once you have dealt with the practicalities of work / childcare / finances then you can review your position with ( at the moment not so dear) H. On both of your recent posts you have received a substantial number of viewpoints all of which are valid - to the original posters opinions, experience and beliefs - you will then need to decide what are your own feelings on the various suggestions. Everyone is different and your marriage can be saved but only if you and your H do believe it is worth it, and you do believe that this was one stupid error made by H, and that he is fully aware of how completely and totally unacceptable his behaviour was. But that is all for another day....

Congratulations on taking the right steps to creating the best future (whatever it may be) for you and your child. Your strength now has created a situation where you will get the best possible outcome, but again so very sorry it has come to this.

You are to be admired.....

differentnameforthis · 12/12/2010 09:50

and people should try harder

The onus is on him tho...not her!

Sorry, but I don't actually think it is that hard to say 'no thank you, I don't want to have sex with anyone but my wife' He wasn't trying very hard then, was he!

jesusthisstableiscrowded · 12/12/2010 10:20

op - i feel very sorry for you and without being 'knee-jerky' i would question weather this is a relationship worth saving - you have a baby and an illness, in a real partnership, your partner would be taking care of you, helping you, cherishing you and the baby, not going out chasing other women - his behaviour is actually belittling towards other men, men can and do cope with their partners illnesses, sometimes caring for them single-handedly and for many years - another point on here i read was that women often stay in bad marriages because 'he pays the mortgage' - at what point in life do you decide that a marriage has to be saved - when you are young and he goes off with other women 'because he cant cope', poor little chicken, or wait until you are financially bound to him forever, and he knows you are and knows he can behave how he so feels!

your dh has set the tone for your marriage at a very early start, i dont believe that this sort of immature behaviour will ever change - he is selfish, immature and will always find a good excuse to have sex elsewhere - as hard at it is, personally i would recommend you ask him to leave and start caring for yourself, your mental state cannot be being helped by any of this and you are worth so much more!

iamnotreallysure · 12/12/2010 11:02

Surely the initial onus is on the OP.

Her H is in the wrong and the onus is surely on the OP as to whether she will be prepared / feels there is any merit in giving consideration as to whether he can be trusted or forgiven. His wants / promises / repentance have no value if the OP is not interested in them / him.

Then, if she is prepared to consider his wants to remain as a couple, the onus is totally on him.

differentnameforthis · 12/12/2010 11:19

I mean that the onus was originally on her dh NOT to cheat!

iamnotreallysure · 12/12/2010 11:57

thats for sure...

GraceAwayInAManger · 12/12/2010 14:02

Yogabuff, I've read your other threads and am sorry your marriage is turning out to be so one-sided.

Yes, it is time to tell people :(
I hope you find plenty of real-life support. Also, I hope your H will do the dignified thing and go off to continue his single life without putting you through any extra hassle. Wishing you well. x

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 12/12/2010 22:00

YB

I read your initial thread, and am not at all surprised to see how it played out

"play" being the operative word

your partner is a player

he has shown his true colours at a relatively early stage in your relationship

it's your choice now whether you are happy to be a "bit part" in his drama

I suggest you just take yourself right out of it, and stay out