Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 10

[googoomama]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity
:) :(

For all the newbies a great thread on books that help: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1083006-All-New-Road-to-Recovery-for-the-Recently-Ditched-Book-Club

Patience, you speak my language, girl. He IS abusing me, he IS cruel, he IS selfish. He is very, very, very bad for me. Why on earth would an intelligent (modest?) super-duper woman like me put up with such fuckwittery? Exactly what do I think is in this for me? What do I get out of this shit arrangement? My head knows the answers but my heart wasn't listening. Looks like lots of cold turkey for me this xmas .

The nhs referral is for mental health services so not sure how I could access this any quicker. I am on the waiting list for Relate so I didn't want to throw another spanner in by going private aswell as I'm confused enough as it is. But if I've heard nothing by the end of the week I will pursue a private appointment.

In fact, I have already rehearsed what I want to address with nhs person/Relate etc. Not, why poor old me? Not, what did I do wrong? Not ever, ever, how can I win him back? But, how do I get this controlling, manipulative, abusive leech out of my life and out of my head?

That's it LC exactly

Ah, Happy. Funeral. Your father's funeral, am I right? Well that really resonates with me right now. Goodness, I am thinking of you now and hoping the day went well. I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up. Hope your dad was as wonderful as mine.

Oh - was just in the middle of long post when ex rang - long conversation about the house / finances.. no shouting but he did keep reiterating what was wrong in our relationship, how he hadn't loved me for years, how he tried to keep a lid on it but he knew there was no future for us....when the new lady came to work in his office and he fell madly in love.

Had a crap day, littlest one is ill - but not ill enough to lie on the sofa...just 12hrs of moaning and crying because she is tired and full of a cold.

So, why do I just want him to say to me...come home! Let's start again...let's have a have a wonderful family Christmas and everythings going to be alright????

:(

I don't have any wise words Kate but I used to feel the same too. It is emotionally exhausting with children and sometimes just having someone there to support and back you up and help is longed for. Ironically my H was rarely any of those but I guess I held this idealistic view in my head of being a couple and being with him and how great it could be and how comforting after being with him for many years etc. Wasn't logical really after everything that had happened and looking at how he was in my marriage in the last couple of years but it didn't change those feelings.

Is Calpol any help with your poorly DC?

Kate, I suppose it's what we are used to. Six months ago I thought I was with the man I would spend the rest of my life with. But he was deluding me and I was deluding myself. This xmas will be me and the dc's. XP can have the leftovers on Boxing Day.

phew tears have stopped now, can't believe that just speaking to him does this to me.

Girls are dancing round the kitchen with "Stop the Cavalry" on repeat.

Just want it to be like it was before Miss perky tits turned up! Lol, I'm sure it wasn't perfect but maybe I am only remembering the good bits.

Chin up ladies. x

Hi everyone. Haven't had time yet to read posts from today. Feel like an abject failure today. Can't keep a man, can't seem to make a relationship last. I'm trying to be strong but feel flat :(

Our exes are like very bad habits and I think we get addicted to them even when we know we shouldn't.

I was so in the habit of telling mine all the day to day things about the DC etc. That's what I still find so very hard. Not being able to tell someone ie him all the little tiny things they've done or said. Those things that are too tiny to tell anyone else cos you'd feel silly, but used to bring a smile (or not, depending to his face).

Today something little happened and I thought 'I'll tell H,' for a second I forgot that he's not here anymore. It's horrible.

They're are a habit we have to break but as they say ......old habits die hard.

Kate, I can't believe your h keeps telling you how he hasn't loved you for ages. What a twunt. IMHO he needs telling to fuck off, arrogant wanker.

Don't know what happened there...sorry !

LC re counselling that is exactly what i told WA counsellor ,i just wanted her to help my heart to catch up with my head .I knew this abusive bastard was manipulating me i had all the evidence but i was starting to feel ashamed of myself for still having feelings for him,another4 months down the line and im a whole way further forward .It is all about breaking the habit,changing the pathways in our brains ,FFS Starting has stopped smoking so any addiction can be broken LOL!!!!!!Best of luck with the whole cold turkey bit ,double shite at xmas i think the expression is but make use of ur older dcs re arrangements ,argos shopping etc ,have you got a Wii ?I dont but its meant to be a good laff ,imagine a dumpling Wii party ha ha with a few bottles of wine and X factor game ,ah my idea of bliss !!!!
Big hugs your doin great !Re counsellor i only had a private counsellor at the start and that was local but thru recommendation and i know he also does nhs,so in an emergency i know he is there but my womans aid lady is free he was £40 but very strict with me if i went onto wonky rambles ,hard to tell if he is better 4me,i like him more but im 18mths down the line re counselling so perhaps he just helped me see the biggest changes i had to make re self esteem ,taking back some control.ps when i started counselling i thought i had a great marriage and great self esteem ...just a bit sensitive lol !
Thanks for the book link Tea ,and Starting you said you would post some more good reads ,please ,i know you are busy with childcare,studying and shagging but 5 mins to post some books would be mega.

Googoo, I don't think most men are worth keeping anyway. Horrid, farty smelly things. I'm positive we're so much better off without them. They're good for a shag and getting rid of spiders but that's not worth all the angst.

Miss Perky Tits probably has inverted nipples and dandruff.

Googoo it's not about you being able to keep a man. They were the wrong man for you and they're the failure not you here. You are a top lady and deserve a relationship where you do not have to try hard to make it work well, be a perfect girlfriend etc But where there is a healthy balance and mutual respect. He's the loser here not you

Kate sending you huge ((hugs)) I think if it hadn't been that woman it would've been another. remember that she's not even interested in him is she? I often blame the OW but my H was the one with the flaw as he pursued her just as much and texted her etc as him. I now know that if things hadn't happened with her, it would have happened somewhere down the line. Read some of your earlier posts if it helps you tonight. As his behaviour is outrageous! You deserve better!

What happened GGM ,they are all pricks ,you know that ,you are part of the revolution now ,think Che Guevara !![Hopes he was a revolutionary ]

Oh heard a good one today,its for when you here a smug married complaining about something ,this woman called it a luxury problem lol,like when i told her how i didnt even blink when the football practise was cancelled lol!She said its not even a real problem is it ,its a luxury problem.

Love it. I was a smug married Always proud of being married and having my kids etc. Oh how deluded of me...

LC, I am not that great tonight so won't be a help. Just want to let you know that your posts have really touched me. Finding people who have been through it and who really understand has been the most valuable thing for me. It sounds like you have been very brave and everything you have had to deal with makes my little trauma seem very little. I really hope you can stay strong. And Bermiegirl, since I heard XP say "we have grown apart" and have come on MN and found it is all cheating scumbags' phrase of choice. The amount of times I've seen it now is incredible. Don't you believe it. They say anything when they have been found out and squirming.

OK GGM think of all the woman in history that fought against opression ,ok even if you dont know any names i think pre 1940s that includes 99% of the population then ww2 comes in the woman show they are fucking amazing and the patriarchy shite themselves and opress again,anyway what is it to be a young woman today starve urself,spray urself orange ,insert false tits ,accept dv and send nude pics of urself to ur boyfriend over the phone.Well fuck me the suffragettes must be raging .And why do we let this happen ,because we fall in love and they abuse our love and tbh because everyone has low self esteem and jumps from one "save me"co dependent relationship to the next ,i just reckon they all go thru this at 40yo but some are too lazy to pursue the temptation,some just buy old flash cars ,they all do fucking something .
GGM you are going to learn to love yourself this time and be a kick ass dumpling ,ur a revolutionary a radical ,ur not bitter and no man will ever call u a c**t again ,you respect urself and its like drawing a laser beam around urself,you dont have to be tough or aggressive just walk away from it when it is beneath you .
ps someone said to me "ah typical woman "I managed to restrain myself although i did want to say,Thats what i like when i buy my petrol a nice bit of misogyny.Instead i went for the full eye contact glare .Anyway dont let the bastards get you down x

Still hurtin it is like a twunt manual ,it is amazing how mine followed the same pages chapter after chapter .Its like they all get given a book .Anyway i know we have good days and bad days but best piece of advice i got was really use ur time single to learn to love urselvesand discover urself ,i have never loved myself since i was about 5 yo so thats 35 years of indecision ,low self esteem and self loathing ,so its really nice to feel the vibe of empowerment ,strength and self love ,just being able to feel pure joy somedays and celebrate the moment we are in is just a gift .Oh and sent my Xmas cards today from the 3 of us ,no explanation just change of address

I know tea I don't blame her at all - in fact I think he has possibly got the wrong end of the stick...at least that is what I gather from what he's telling me. But, he is so infatuated that he is considering giving up the job he loves so they don't have to work together. Even though there is no proper relationship between them ("at the moment" - as he keeps telling me)

When we were debating about what to do with the house he's talking about renting a place from her mum and dad! Which will be near where she lives. And not near where his children live or go to school.

Even as I write this - I'm thinking "It DOESN'T MATTER You daft Sod Kate" Detach! I am going out quite a bit over Xmas and my eldest is back from Uni and she won't put up with me moping about.

My girls are coping really well, which probably shows the amount of stuff he actually did with / for them.

I am only upset because I am pining for the past and TBH I would just like him once to say "I miss you, I did love you and the years we spent together were the best of my life...but I fell for someone else...I'M SORRY"

but all I get is that he had to be selfish and think about himself...while I move out with the girls to give him space, I'm skint, no car, got to bus it to work and the supermarket and I spend a lot of that time thinking "Well, how did that happen then? 39, 3 kids and on your own"....just at the time when we should have been able to start spending quality time with eachother as a couple

I know that the time of year isn't helping.

But, That said - don't feel too bad now that I've had a mammoth cry. Not sure that the girls playing "Last Christmas" helped! :)

Oh and LC ,course its abuse ,thing i held onto was
"THE OPPOSITE OF ABUSE IS RESPECT"
I thought FFS he was disrespecting me [penny dropped clunk]Never had crossed my mind b4.I honestly mean that ,but not only was he disrespecting me by the way he was treating me ,I was disrespecting myself by accepting his behaviour.That was a hard lesson to accept .I guess eventually i knew i was never going to be happy in my life unless i made some major changes .

I can't help thinking he's being disengenuous Kate. Something decidedly fishy about all of this. renting a house from her parents???

It's hard learning to detach. Is he still calling about the cat too?

*Disingenuous