Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 10

[googoomama]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity
:) :(

LC has PMd me back and has asked me to reproduce my private PM to her, on this thread. Just as a suggestion to you all (this is YOUR thread after all) it might be helpful to LC if we stick with her issues for a while?

"I have always understood that it is easy for others to say "bin him" because we don't love him and more pertinently, haven't been laid low physically and emotionally by his behaviour, as you have.

If you read back your words to me, it is the latter issue that is the main problem here though. LC I saw a post of yours recently where you joked that I had archives and files somewhere, otherwise how could I remember people's stories?

I don't remember everyone's stories though. I have a very good memory, it's true and in the situation I faced, that was a curse as well as a blessing, because some hurt would perhaps have faded by now, in other people. But the truth is that some people's stories touch me more than others.

I will never forget one particular post from you, long before the affair was discovered. I hope you won't mind if I reproduce it here, which I got from searching on your name this morning:

?I've had some pretty bad things happen in recent years. Some (more) bad news today has tipped me over the edge. I'll probably turn a corner in a few days and everyone will think I'm ok but I can't cope with any more. I feel invisible and detached. I feel desperate and bemused at the same time. I'm not really convinced that everything that has happened is actually real. It's like watching someone else's life, my real life is waiting for me somewhere else. I've tried to explain to my partner but get absolutely nothing back. Like talking to a stone. In fact, his total lack of support/silence has made me realise that our relationship is pointless. It's not just about bereavement. There's a whole load of other stuff going on; stuff that will take a long time to get through - medical treatment, operations, police investigations, court case etc. Someone has ruined my son's life and I wasn't there to help him. Plus relationship problems as my partner and I have drifted apart through all this.?

This was from May 2010, but I remember back then when I saw those words, they moved and chilled me and stayed in my mind. However, when you first posted about your relationship problems in the later summer, I didn't tie up the two at all.

Does your GP know the full chronology of what happened to you? You see, it is precisely because you are feeling weakened and decimated by a catalogue of events that would have had most of us on the floor, that you are even considering taking back your DP.

But the emotionally healthy, spirited LC is fighting through that, when you say he didn't change into this person and you want to hurt him badly.

If I could spirit you and your DS away and build you up every day, so that your strength would return and your detachment could be complete, I would. I know you are a resilient and proud woman, but you need to lean on others right now and ask for their help in weaning you off your DP. Friends, your older DCs and us can all play their part.

Would it help you to write everything down - write the story of your life for the last 3 years? I'd be happy to read it if it would help.

Every time you weaken, read it. Read this post and all my others to you. I feel so sorry for your son, who is caught right in the middle of all this and has learned things that no 9 year old should. Your actions in detaching from your DP will send such a powerful message to him, but I sense the time has come for him to have some certainty. That you and DP will never reconcile.

Stay strong LC. You know from my story that I never advise binning a relationship if I think there is hope, but in your case, there really isn't. Your DP has been far too cruel over such a long period of time."

hey everyone

Still no dongle (hate relying on other people) and so no internet till 20th grr

Am feeling ok atm, sort of, X has been really nasty to me in the last week and it is actually making me stronger so he can bring it on as much as he wants, he sat there and told me that he had tried to feel something for me last weekend and had felt nothing, i beg to differ as i was there too and i know he did feel something, i saw it, so he can say what he wants to try and hurt me i dont care anymore but my opinion of him now is that he is a pathetic excuse for a man and certainly not worth my time or tears anymore, he's even refused to babysit once a fortnight so i can go out because he doesnt see why he should sit there while im off galivanting (sp) doing whatever LMAO what a tosser!! he just doesnt like to see me looking good and the thought that i may be pulling someone else, he told me that the week before he must think i'm a mug

Anyway i hope everyones ok as i still havent caught up and i will try and post again in a few days but am really busy this week and might not get round to mum's

LC your two PMs came into the inbox in reverse order. I now see that you want me to cut and paste your reply to the PM extracted below. Here it is:

"I can't write it down. Yet. I can't accept that it has all happened to me. If I face up to everything I fear I will lose my last bit of strength and crumble.

I need xp to just acknowledge that he is a bad person. To admit that he has been horribly cruel to me. That I never deserved it. Instead I get 'I don't know why I did it' in reference to the affair and also to why he introdced that vile woman to my family - I had never met her before the affair started. I don't understand why he did that. Why didn't he keep it separate from us? Why bring her round to our house to meet me, ask her to cut my son's hair, go on holiday with her family? Was it a thrill for them both? Was it a double bluff so her H and I would never suspect anything? How could anyone do such a thing? That part is as, if not more, hurtful than the affair itself."

If I could find an amnesia pill I would take it right now. I want to reinvent myself with a new identity. Shed my old life but keep my dc's.

I have no religous faith as such and categorically do not believe in an afterlife but on Saturday I could smell my father in the house. He was a part-time printer and smelled very strongly of printing ink and books. He had thousands of antique books and his home had a very distinctive smell. If I stood by the front door I could smell him very strongly but nowhere else. I kept going back to smell him and I caught a faint whiff yesterday but it's not there now. My mind is playing terrible tricks on me.

LC - you are feeling desperately hurt/angry/anxious - maybe the smells of the memory of your dad are because they exist physically where you are and they evoke strong memories, or you are in need of comfort/the comfort of your dad. I lost my dad a while back and smells make me think of him, things like diesel oil!harvest time (he was a farmer), and I miss him and am feeling really vulnerable and down at the moment.Take care of yourself.

LC - you are a very hurt person - and rightly so - not your fault. I am still grieving for my dad and it's worse now I feel so hurt and let down. He would want you to be happy and you deserve to be.

It's all to do with the fact that the affair started while I nursed my dad through cancer. He lived 150 miles away so I had to go away for a couple of nights at a time for 6 months. That's when that vile pair got together. Even as I watched my dad die in intensive care they were shagging, texting, phoning, having fun. And the affair carried on for another 2 years until I found out 5 weeks ago. Although I had already kicked him out in July whenIi first got a whiff of what was going on.

I want my dad back so desperately, even if it is just to watch him die again so that I can do his death without thinking that the man I trusted for 14 years is no longer leeching off me when he should have been supporting me. My dad was grandfather to his ds. Well that's obvious, I know. But I feel xp has forgotten what family is. Or did he ever know or even care? If he can do this to me and my father can he be trusted with ds?

If someone actually stabs you in the back you can go to hospital and get better. If someone destroys your sanity and rips your heart out metaphorically where do you go to get better?

Hello lovelies!

This mornings little Christingle service in the local church was so cute, all the pre school children held their oranges up the front and sang lots of lovely songs they?d been taught like when santa got stuck up the chimney, jingle bells, we wish you a merry Christmas etc. H came along to watch her which made DD very happy and afterwards there was mulled wine and mince pies Really lovely. I have about 50 minutes now I?m home and DS is asleep to attempt a decent catch up, before I have to go back to collect DD. So here it goes.

LC ? I?ve been worried about you but haven?t had time to post properely but pm me anytime. I?d love to come by and visit you soon. When are you free love? I?ll leave the DCs with H for a day Would you like my phone number? I?d love to chat with you anytime too. It?s so quiet here at night once the DCs are in bed.

Finallyhappeningagain ? it must be very hard being in the same house as your ex, he sounds truly horrid and it must create a terrible atmosphere. I would speak to citizens advice and seek legal advice and see if there is a way to live separately asap Loving Gettings advice to you

Hariboegg ? it?s very hard to piece together a story that makes sense about your situation Is there no hope at all that with marriage counseling you could work things out if you still love him? Obviously if there is abuse of any form then please disregard that suggestion. It?s so sad he seems so detached and low, has he been to his GP at all?

Cloudedview ? This thread is a support network and finding serenity takes time, however always always always feel free to tell us how you are clouded and be yourself on here. I had terrible problems when I first separated, my DCs would throw enormous tantrums being so young (they were 11 months and 2 and a quarter at that point) and I couldn?t think straight when they played up. I ended up shouting and at times smacking as I couldn?t cope with it all, trying to process the fact we were separated and my H at that point still wasn?t being honest. Tiredness didn?t help either as my son was so young when we separated. Just to keep the flat vaguely tidy and feed the children exhausted me. In fact they lived on CBeebies and fish finger type dinners for a long time. Every night once they were in bed I would feel so so guilty for everything I?d done that wasn?t perfect that day and how I should be a better mum. But you are shouldering a huge burden right now. Take the help you can get and speak to your GP is you need to. It?s great the therapist is supporting you right now. Take each day one step at time, you will get through this. Huge ((hugs)) lovely.

Starting ? hope you managed to get that assignment in today.

Happy ? so glad you have that piano Sorry BE is being useless on support for you and your son though

KateonMN ? your Saturday night sounded lush! So glad you have some good friends to support you. I neglected my friends too when settled down with H. Always felt complete and like I didn?t need anyone else. In fact I used to be accused of being stepford wife back in the day They?re so good at rewriting history aren?t they?

Firepile ? welcome lurker to our lovely thread I always felt threatened by H?s supposed friend long before the affair began too. My gut instincts were right though You sound so strong.

Stillhurtin ? welcome. Loving your advice.

Maybee ? Urgh I cannot blame you at all for that post last night. How frustrating in every way! Hope your DS is ok today x

Romney ? I can?t blame you either for driving along that road. It?s very difficult when they won?t be honest with us. Do you actually know which house it is?

Only managed to get to the end of last night on my catch up so far but I must go and collect DD LC ? I will try and send post a decent message on the thread later for you but I?ve run out of time

There are probably typos but I can?t proof read it right now. Sorry

Oh, Tea, thank you. You know I think you are WWIFN's deputy. You're making me cry = a good thing and in a good way.

Someone once posted on MN: Never seek solace in the arms of the one who betrayed you. Have a feeing it might have been Patience but not even sure it was on this thread. That is where I have been going wrong. Seeking solace from someone who can't and doesn't want to help me, someone who is only interested in how this affects him, not his ds or the mother of his ds.

Well, you lot did tell me to keep posting, to let it all out so don't blame me if I'm hogging the thread for a bit .

But please feel free to ignore or skim as I know I'm rambling a bit. And if anyone else can post a tale of woe please don't feel you're taking my space as it is sort of comforting to know we're all in this together and I'm not the only one who has lost the plot just before xmas. Still no presents bought, no decorations up, no shopping done. But I'm not a bad mother because I didn't fuck about for 2.5 years and let my partner think he was going mad. And I will do xmas and it will be ok because I have 3 wonderful children who want to be with me.

LC - it's the old cliche of one day at a time. I am now 4 months from my DH deciding he wanted the OW. I have been so low as you know that the only reason I got out of bed was to walk the dogs. I have felt so low that I didn't want to live. I don't know if you recall but a month ago I had to assist the police in cutting a man out of a tree who had hung himself, he looked so peaceful, and it probably didn't help my state of mind as I was so low at the time.

But as the days pass and my family, friends and mumsnet give me the strength to carry on. There are still days that I feel back where I was 4 months ago but they are getting less. The bearable days are getting more frequent, the really shit days are dimishing so there is hope for me on the horizon. I also take great comfort in the advice from the mumnetters who are so much further down the path than I am.

I still haven't got any answers and realise I can't keep torturing myself with guesses. I went for a lovely walk with my friend who is a counsellor this morning and she gave me some clarity on my life at the moment and she reiterated, it's time, and you know that with the loss of your Dad, I have also lost my dad, my 1st H left me for a friend and then nursing my mum through cancer and watching her die. I got through that awful time, and now I loose the love of my life. Life can be shit LC but time will heal, it's a slow process but we will get there. Take care LC.

No Romney, I don't recall you posting about the man in the tree. My RL friend, who has been so wonderful to me, had to cut her own husband down after he hung himelf. It is a terrible thing. I have seen the effect on her and their dc's so I know I couldn't do that. That was one of my "protecting factors" when I had the mental health assessment.

Thinking of you today Happy. Hope it went as well as possible. xxx

Yes Happy me too x

LC I'm glad that you will be getting some counselling within the next fortnight. Not long to wait now. Also, has Relate said what the waiting list will be?

The more terrible aspects of your story, the ones that hurt the most, are actually the very things that will help you to detach from your exP. Therefore, do you think you need to give yourself permission to do that? Rather than causing you to fall apart, do you think giving yourself the final permission is what's holding you back from confronting it all?

Have a think about that and while you're doing it, cut yourself some slack about Christmas. Ask your older DCs to help as much as they can, in helping you to provide a Christmas for you all, especially your DS. But it really doesn't matter if there are few decorations, no-one gets a card and you decide to eat bangers and mash on Christmas Day. You will be with people who love you unconditionally, as you love them.

You have made a wonderful success of your life, pursuing a vocational career and bringing two fine adults into the world. Your younger son's instinctive reactions to the crisis, tell us what a wonderful little boy he is. You've made great friends and people are drawn to you. You have got so much to be proud of. When we all look back in our dotage, we will remember the relationships we formed and the kindnesses we shared, not one Christmas out of 80 when everything wasn't perfect.

I'm a dumpling too ! It was only a 3 month relationship, but honestly thought I'd got it right this time. Then he tells me he loves me but cannot/will not love my daughter and cannot have a relationship with someone who has a child !! Ah well, I got it wrong again !! Feeling fed up and 40 !

Hi all, found this thread and thought finally somewhere to talk to people in a similar position. I discovered my H's affair while we were on a family holiday in October. The warning clues were all there, changes in behavior, locking his phone so I couldn't look at it, etc.. Anyway, I challenged him while we were away, telling him that I knew something wasn't right a he was behaving so differently ( I knew about the affair at this point, as he stupidly put his PIN into his phone when I was looking). He initially denied anything, but hen said that we'd been growing apart for some time - his words, not mine, and he just didn't love me anymore. I asked what that meant, and he said, and I quote that he "wanted to stay with me as his partner until the DC's left home, and then he would leave". in other words, have your cake and eat it. Anyway, when we came home, I said I knew what was going on and asked him to leave. Don't get me wrong, we both played some part in our problems,but he made the decision to go off with the OW. I was trying to do everything to make life better,but it just wasn't enough. He was verbally abusive to me for years, but that was all my fault, as I wasn't supportive enough!!! Much as i try to keep my dignity, and people tell me that I 'm doing well, I feel terrible. I don't feel like I'm doing any good for the kids, as they only do " fun" things with their dad. I'm just having a really bad day, so please excuse my ranting!

LC my love I?ve been trying all day to return and post a decent reply but have failed abysmally as my two are being quite tricky at the moment. I?ve only bought a few things so far for Christmas and those happened only 2 days ago, so do not worry about it, there?s still time. As others have said get your older children to come and help decorate the house.

I?m not at all surprised you have told the OW and your Ex what you think of them. My word with everything you have been through, it is amazing that you?re still standing. 2 weeks isn?t long to wait for counseling, although it must feel like it. If you begin to feel worse please return to the GP before then though. Are you on anti depressants as I cannot remember? The Samaritans are wonderful, if things are getting too much and you need someone to talk to. However I truly meant it when I said I?d like to meet up and give you my phone number. Have you been to a family planning clinic and been tested if they weren?t using condoms? I know it?s horrible to discuss these things but please do go if you haven?t. If you feel no one in RL can hear how desperate you are, please keep calling close friends and asking for help, go back to your GP too and call The Samaritans too. I know it feels like you?re in a dark place but things will get brighter again. I do have a faith and spent a lot of time talking to God, which probably sounds slightly mad but it brought me peace. Your mind may not be playing tricks on you about smelling your dad. We?ve spoken on here before about strange situations. Starting had one. If it brings you comfort, take heart and believe it maybe him, even though you cannot explain it.

Your Ex should not be dragging your 9 year old boy into this situation and you need to be firm with him about it. It?s almost a way of making you feel guilty and is outrageous. I also had trouble with wanting to ?moan?talk about my H to my friends too much and worrying about it. Which is why counseling helped and of course this amazing support thread. It is ok for you to keep talking on here as much as you need. Please do my love.

Is your DS alright? Do you think some sort of counseling for him would be a good idea as he is obviously struggling with it all What is this about bruises LC? If your Ex has hurt you in anyway please speak to womens aid Please do not lie for his dad, just tell him an age appropriate version of the truth where possible. You shouldn?t protect him, although admittedly being only 9 you do need to be careful how you phrase things I think contact needs to be fixed times now and also e-mails only like mumfun suggests would be a better option. I don?t think he should text your son through your mobile whenever he likes. You need space from him and this is not going to help you or your dear son. You may need to seek some legal advice here if things escalate to be honest.

I went through a stage of thinking I didn?t want H back but also still deep down inside still wanting it a little. Give it time. LC I think listing everything he has done might help to focus your mind a bit. When you?re father was dying of cancer, your son was assaulted, you were also ill, when you needed him the most he was having an affair. Your Ex is a VILE MAN and it makes me furious .

Reading what WWIFN posted earlier ?I need xp to just acknowledge that he is a bad person. To admit that he has been horribly cruel to me. That I never deserved it. Instead I get 'I don't know why I did it' in reference to the affair and also to why he introduced that vile woman to my family - I had never met her before the affair started. I don't understand why he did that. Why didn't he keep it separate from us? Why bring her round to our house to meet me, ask her to cut my son's hair, go on holiday with her family? Was it a thrill for them both? Was it a double bluff so her H and I would never suspect anything? How could anyone do such a thing? That part is as, if not more, hurtful than the affair itself." Just highlights how dreadful he has been. The counseling will be a huge help. Just hold on a little longer. To unpack everything you have been through in the last 3 years is going to take time.

Definitely not WWIFN?s deputy, though thank you for the huge compliment, she is far more articulate and intelligent than me and see?s things so clearly. I also cannot keep up with relationships topic area at all right now either. But I have left my DCs eating dinner without me so I could finally reply whilst I knew the kids wouldn?t be up to too much mischief, although there is a risk DS will have flung his food on the floor whilst I?ve been next door

My lovely lady you?ve been through hell and back. Give yourself time, you will come through this x

LC shes right dont worry about christmas it will sort itself out either do as WWIFN suggests or blow the budget in the M&S foodhall. Have sent you a PM hope you are getting through the alright.

Back later

Yep dinner on the floor.

Berniegirl welcome to the most supportive thread on mumsnet Typical behaviour from your H when having an affair I see and no doubt rewriting history. I bet there was a smattering of gaslighting too

Take it one day a time and feel free to rant on here anytime you need to.

janto welcome so sorry to hear your relationship was so short lived but 40 or not there's still time for you to meet another decent man There's lots of ladies on here a similar age. So you've joined a good crowd

Must go and bath the DCs and it sounds like DS is playing with the baubles again on the tree be back later

Thank you Tea. You're making me cry again. Don't know where to start but it's all got to come out now. Just worried where it will stop. And if I could have just one man back in my life it would 100% definitely be my wonderful, brilliant, funny old dad. I hope there is an afterlife and he comes back and haunts xp until the end of his days for what he's done to me and ds. And I do believe in karma .

LC what i would have posted is ,the abusers strength over us is although he can caused us the most pain he also knows he has the power to take it away ,eg he can rip your heartout but knows he can wrap his arms around us and it will all dissapear.Well i knew the next step for me was hospital ,i knew i was in real danger physically and i couldnt lie about it anymore,however many times i tried reconcilliation i knew he wasnt good enough for me or my kids ,i knew i would never be contented and happy in my life ,i could never trust him ,he would always want his own way and never respect me enough.How could i be with a man that disrespected me that much,i cant ,i need to stay true to me and surround myself with people that love and support me .Not some lazy disrespectful arse that will continue to lie and manipulate me .I feel the vulnerability leaving me LC and the strength growing .I continued to have hope for a long time re my marriage ,i suppose at the start i didnt know half the story so I thought we were strong enough to make it ,but as more and more of his real lifestyle became exposed i knew was kidding myself on .You are in such shock just now is there no way you can see a private counsellor ,i know a lot of people do private and nhs ,can you pay to see the counsellor you have booked an appointment with maybe this week.He has mashed ur head up good and proper LC .But you will get it unmashed and come back stronger,everytime i felt bad pain since August i have known that this is what was pushing me further away from him,i can honestly say this xmas will be so much better than last year.Last year at about this time he boarded up the house on the inside and told me he was living in the cottage and i was to take the kids to my mothers "d'ya think "i climbed in a window and reclaimed my home,what a fucking tosser ,as if he was having it all ,sat watching bravo smoking a joint and swigging cider ,the time i wasted on that guy ,the tears i cried,only last week i was still crying LC but all of this pain will help push him away , i believe we all take what we want from sites like this and leave the rest,sometimes in hindsight we understand what someone was trying to tell us ,sometimes its still a lot of rubbish.The thing i like about this thread is it isnt full of pity ,we empathise ,we support and learning from other peoples experiences is an education.
All joking aside i know i have come out of 2010 stronger and wiser,nobody could have got me through it ,i had to get myself through it ,it is the toughest thing i have done in my life and you will do it too LC because you are a fighter with great spirit as a very well spoken friend of mine said in a very posh accent"It is just a shite time for you Patience ."
It has given me a time for reflection and i will always see it as a gift ,big hugs LC thinking of you and sending you positive energies x
ps i do believe those that have passed, help support us ,i have heard what you describe b4 i think it was Nemofish and im sure her husband smelt it to ,perfume i think it was.You know you are fabulous ,proper kick ass fabulous ,love and hugs to you.

Keep crying, let it all out LC x

Happy - thinking of you and hope the funeral was healing and helped you to say good bye and celebrate his life in the best way possible ((hugs))