Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 10

[googoomama]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity
:) :(

Kate you're really awesome, loving the dignity with which you're handling things. Have no sympathy for him at all.

Deluded my love sending you ((hugs)) and hope you take Patience advice on board lovely about Womens Aid etc.

Hi - I've been lurking every day since first posting - just trying to get through Christmas and taking inspiration from you amazing lot. Reading this thread has made a hideously hard time a bit easier so thank you.
Losing it a bit tonight however as my exh of three weeks has just told me he's in love with the 26 year old he left me for.
It's just all been so sudden. We'd been having problems for a while - and I admit I had pushed him away since we had our dd but it was only due to tiredness (oh ok and some irritation that he left a lot of it up to me and has such a hideous temper and is so self centred). But I was 40 when we had her (42 now) and it took it out of me. But we were trying again - however, it all finished in the space of 24 hours - he went out with this girl who he was friends with on the Tuesday, she texted him to say she fancied him later that night, I found the text 24 hours later and the marriage was over by the Thursday lunchtime with him saying he hoped something would happen between them. He's now in love with her.
Anyone else I'd say bullshit - it was going on before - but I think, while he fancied her, it probably has been that sudden for him. He's like an 11 year old boy and just reacts to things.
It's all happening too quickly for my head, or my heart. And yet I know deep down that I'm better of without him but I can't help be hurt and in pain.

Oh kate it really is awful how your XH is behaaving but well done to you for being calm. Any tips?? I'm glad he looks like crap too - hopefully the realisation that the grass isn't greener is hitting home faster than hoped expected.

Know it's daft but it made me smile when XH told me how great my hair looked the other day and I said - genuinely- 'well you look like shit' (childish- yes, mean- yes, did it feel good- YES!!)

Have to agree with Urban and Tea deluded - get in touch with someone for some help. I have to say women's aid weren't much help to me - woman I spoke to said the help DV victims only- but am sure they would give sound advice about rights, or try CAB. This situ is no good for your self estemm. You sound so down on yourself sometimes - know we all feel down on here about our problems but it really seems to be effecting your view of yourself. Don't let him win!

I'm feeling flat that XH still hasn't called to see how DD's xmas went - know he would say he text xmas day, but a text - really?!?! Plus he'd say he's coming 28th (or is he now I dared give him a taste of his own medicine by not replying to his lame xmas text) Why do I care!?! After all he's done, why don;t I just hate him and not care what he does???

Ok dc's all on mend tg but need a bit of hand holding or a virtual slap whatever people think is appropriate. I'm feeling v weepy. Norm always texts me early in the morn, he went back home to his family on sat for a few days. Anyway, first text y'day at 2pm to wish me a happy xmas. Told him last night dc's all had vomiting bug. First text today at 6pm asking how I was & was I going out tonight! I've just text him back to blow him out of the water. Is it me or is that completely selfish??

Also just heard SIL & other BIL have given presents for dc's to older step kids. I feel so sad about that too. Why would they treat me like that? .

Oh make that brought tears to my eyes. A few similarities to my break up - has touched a chord! You are better off but being treated so callously will of course hit you hard. How old is DD? Mine is 14 months and was such a 'wanted' child I just cannot understand XH's change in attitude. Guess vows don't mean as much to these man boys! They get an ego boost from some sympathetic sap of a woman and off they go - it's madness. Also to be left alone with a child, when that was never on the cards, is terrifying - for me anyway, but maybe you feel the same. Overwhelmed, scared, hurt, angry - sometimes I think I dreamt it all! Hugs to you - each day will be different but each day is a step forward, even if it feels like a step back you've made it through another day, toward that new happy life you WILL have xx

UR in the right place mdm , ur h fits the mould exactly,mine is now thinking maybe Tuesday he will see the kids ,he hasn't seen them for 3 wks ,back home now ,watching Ben 10 and drinking camomile tea .

Just got a text" SOON "when I asked when he was seeing his kids what a wanker ,we are down to one word texts these days .
Mdm its not normal for a man not to support his partner after the birth of a baby ,don't ever think that was UR fault .

Urban - what an utter knob jockey!! they do love their little bit of power, soon!?!? Am for you!

And I agree with the part that it's not normal to be unable to support your partner after birth.

Looking back now I see how dreadfully ill I was with PND and XH chose to leave me in lieu of support. I admit I was irrational, aggressive, moody, tearful but I was very ill. The way I am handling his latest actions just highlight how ill I was back then.

Life and realtionships are often hard, that's what love is about. You commit to each other and work it out thoriugh the bad times. These men didn't deserve our love in the first place!

Starting I don't like the 6pm effort if he knew u were sick,sil bil thing just ignorant assholes,someone brought over a film called enchanted today at my folks all about love and happily ever after ,close member of family ,just shows you where peoples heads are.....

Spoke to ex when I rang to say night to the girls - he says he will introduce OW to the girls "maybe in a play area"

he said that girls can't wait to meet her - they are lovely girls so I'm sure thats true and I've never slagged him or her off in front of them.

This is the woman on Tuesday - he was just friends with!

I think he's just yanking my chain - but I told him that a play area sounds like a really good plan, when the time comes.

Trying to wind me up - get me involved in their little drama.

Prick

Make, your xh sounds so cruel. I know it's hard but you will be so much better off when you get through this. Try to remember what you've posted about him being self centred & having a bad temper & count your blessings. With things happening that quickly you're bound to feel all over the place emotionally ((Hugs))

Patience, hard to believe these men can remain so detached from dc's!

Thanks botg. indeed he is and yes all about power ,just sad its his dcs that are kept hanging on now not me .

bring & urban - thank you so much. DD is just two - had her birthday a month ago.

I can't say he's not a good dad - he was made redundant right before she was born and had a bad time around then. But i found it hard when he got another job and would work late to establish himself. He does love dd so much though.

But there is an extra problem as he is borderline aspergers, so empathy is a problem. Hence lines like tonight's 'I can't see why yesterday was so hard for you - you had dd with you all day so it must have been nice?'.

Or 'Well I thought you'd want to know I didn't leave you for just a fling - I thought it would help knowing she means so very much to me. I'm very very fond of her'. etc etc etc.

Bring - sorry to hear you had a bad time after having dc. I think I was a bit more down than I thought - or just not coping as well. I subsumed myself into DD and lost interest in DH. I'm complicit in the marriage breakdown I know, but I would have treated him more kindly had the situation been reversed. But then I would never have left him with DD...

Just can't believe the utter shite the Xs are all coming away with atm ......

Kate, I agree that's he's just trying to drag you in & I think you've done fantastic to avoid that .

Urban, Norm only knew dc's were sick but I still think it seems completely selfish not to have text. He's text back asking how he could change how I felt?? Love "sil bil thing just ignorant assholes" Lol. You're right & I need to let it go but it really hurts that they are behaving as if I did something wrong when xh was the one being unfaithful, violent, list goes on......

Lol at enchanted, we have that one here too..........

Make -The things they come out with to help beggar belief! My XH is utterly selfish and has told me how nice BB is and how she was there for him to talk to. It's all very hurtful and not helpful at all. I also know I would have offered him more support as I did - when he had a breakdown and depression I was there and put up with all his crap. Find it so hurtful he couldn't put up with mine!
I hope your H continues to be a good dad to your DD.
I looked for your original thread on your profile and noticed we are from the same place. Might have seen you at baby groups if you go to any

Bring, they are usually too self centred to be able to put anyone before themselves. I don't think most of them would know how to have an equal 50/50 relationship! Would be great if you & Make could help each other out

starting - you're right about not knowing what a 50/50 relationship was. In my case I almost (but not quite) feel sorry for OW - although I then remember she texted a married man and think - well the stupid girl deserves to end up with him...

Bring - we're not married to the same bloke are we?? Actually mine's too inept to handle bigamy too - he was bad enough at one marriage.

I may well have bumped into you - how odd. If you fancy a 'I married a fuckwit' cuppa let me know

God when does this dull ache stop? I'm not even sure whether it's love for him or just abandonment/fear/hurt pride etc all rolled in to one.

make - I would love an 'I married a fuckwit' cuppa. Let me know when/where! Although it'll be awkward if we did marry the same man He didn't leave for a 26 yr old though - BB's in her 40's with 2 kids!! He can't even do a mid-life crisis properly!!

Starting - had look back over thread - I would have been hurt about the text thing with norm. def warranted a supportive call xmas night and a check in text this morn - minimum As for bil/sil - blood will out, I'm afraid - it's NOT about you [hugs]

Lol at I married a fuck wit cuppa ,
Dd got the nail polish out
Pain will come and go mental and physical just try to go with it don't repress it .I found the serenity prayer helped and remember starting s short version FUCK EM !

Make/Bring, am loving the 'I married a fuckwit'cuppa

Bring, thanks for feedback on in-laws & Norm.

Am trying to decide if the delayed/lack of texts is reason enough to dump Norm??

Hi everyone! Well, trying to catch up here. My first two self help books arrived today - the Codependency one Patience and the It's Called a Break up cos it;s Broken one - think I'm going to enjoy that...
Starting - I really feel for you re texts from Norm. There's nothing worse than waiting for a text from your bf - I used to do a lot of that. And I do think it's crap that he didn't text back more quickly or show any concern. My new warrior instincts would now say that this is a bit of a "red flag" but I think you should just note it down mentally and wait until he's out of holiday mode... I'm not waiting for any man to text me this year, and I'm not putting up with insensitivity either. Before me and exbf split up, I sent him a text telling him I missed him and he sent one back saying "Poor you". I think I knew then that it wasn't going to work out!
Makedo - so sorry about your situation - you are in a good place here. My exbf also seemed to have borderline apserger's - some of the things he said and did beggared belief on the insensitivity front but now I wonder whether it was asperger's or just complete narcissism.
BOTG - hello love - glad you are surviving. I don't know your back story but you sound like a great, strong woman and single motherhood does get less scary I promise! I was terrified when I was left with an 18 month old and a 4 year old but I'm not now (knackered though!)
I agree with Patience - these exes are really showing their true colours this yuletide i.e. thinking of themselves and not thinking of their children.Their selfishness is really made worse at this time of year but remember girls, they have always been like this and are always going to be like this and although it seems even worse because it's the dreaded Christmas season, this too shall pass. I think you're all doing incredibly well - you all put me to shame.
Well, I'm back home now. Think I've really pissed off my mother, who is completely different to me, isn't sentimental and has had a blessed love life and never felt hurt or rejected. It was all a bit much for me on Christmas Day and today and I've been really weepy. But tears aren't tolerated in my mum's house really - she hates dealing with emotion and tries to understand me but she can't. Christmas morning at 8am I got a text from exbf, which I'm sure was a round robin test, but felt that I had to reply as it was Xmas and that set me off - I felt so miserable. Then exh said I'd "fucked up his day" because he had to collect kids from my parents' as I'd got a taxi to their house due to the heavy snow and my dad was really annoyed with him and wouldn't let him up the drive and tbh the whole fucking thing was a bit much for me. Just felt hugely overwrought and completely knackered. Adn I thought of all of you lot and how much worse you've got it than me and then I felt a bit crap at that too lol. And usually I find it so hard to cry but once I get to feeling weepy I find it really hard to stop, so the past two days have been full of monumental effort to be jolly when really I just feel like a flaming disaster zone. Never mind, I'm at home now instead of being in a plce where people have luxury problems as Patience says and everyone is bloody happily flaming married! Today before I came home I had to go to my mum's best friend's house for coffee and that was bloody torture too. There was her best mate and her husband, her bloody son and his girlfriend (all over each other, in their 30s) and her daughter talking about her boyfriend. Again, a bit much, I just wanted to run away. I know things will get better - just got to get through new year. I'm staying in on my own I think. Probably best! Might just sit and do school work so that I can start 2011 nice and organised with a clear head, a clear heart and some serenity :)

And bring on the dumpling night out is what I say

hELLO EVERYONE,
i'M GLAD YOU ALL SURVIVED cHRISTMAS DAY. excuse the capitals i'm drinking guiness and had capslock on and am too lazy to fix it. Sorry for people who had sick kids to deal with or shitty xs! The latter don't tend to ever get better do they? Well 2011 dawns soon and things will get better. I had poorly kids but they just have heavy colds so i just want to have them better for travelling over to Ireland. My x came on Christmas eve am and since he hadn't found anywhere else to go, he was here until 3pm today! I had a nice Christmas anyway. he's ok in the kitchen so he did the dinner. he really irritated me most of the time so I stayed as far as I could and played with the boys. Then took my 2yr old out on his new sleigh which was fab cos the sky was really pretty and his sleigh is easy to pull. Today I skyped my family and hit rock bottom. just seeing them all knowing that not all of them even know just made me feel so homesicky and blue. Anyway had a good chance with my sis later and fell better. Have guzzled a few guinnesses and am warming up.
Bye everyone will catch you all soon. I hope you're all coping! patience I saw the pogues in the Barrows as well.