Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 10

[googoomama]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity
:) :(

It is hard to make Christmas nice for the dc when he has ruined it, and comes home and, it is down to me (as usual) to bring the Christmas spirit to the home for the dc - which I am doing my best to do (even though, I am ridiculously angry having him swaggering around here).

So glad I helped at my ds's christmas party at school at the end of term; it was great fun, and reminded me that it's all about the dc, no matter what he does. You have to learn a hard lesson about being a bit selfish yourself when you come across someone so selfish and self-centred in life. Probably why men like that choose you - because they know you will put them first, and they are onto a winner.

Thanks for your words. They do help.

I couldn't agree more he knew I would run after him and when I stopped he just got nasty ...just a stupid wanker and I am well rid ,u will flourish when u leave him Df have you seen a sol?

Yes. And that is the way our marriage worked. I run after him. He is unobtainable like on the top of a mountain. I keep trying, but I don't get anywhere. I guess I never knew when to stop. I am expecting a crash emotionally (been there before) when all that emotion and energy has suddenly got nowhere to go, and then I crash. Sometimes, when I have put my energy into something else, I was amazed at what I could achieve; but I also realised how affected I was by living in the permanent uncertainty and unpredictability of this. Well, for the first time ever now, I know what is happening with my marriage - divorce - why would I have thought there would be any other solution, for it to be all sorted out and a happy ending. What is the saying - it is what you hoped for, rather than the actual reality of what it really was. Also - hope over experience?

I am such a deluded fool. But, I am not the first, and I won't be the last. And, what is it that someone on another thread said their granny says - IF HE MAKES YOU CRY, HE IS NOT WORTH THE TEARS.

Morning all. Well, snow is coming thick and bloody fast again and I have to try for DCs to get to grandparents' 17 miles away tomorrow morning on very dangerous snow covered roads. They say they'll get abtaxi to come for us if we can't manage. Should be an adventure!
DF - are you sure you aren't married to my exh?!!! He was exactly the same. Mind you, I thought we were going to have a massive battle re divorce but in reality he just couldn't be bothered with any of the paperwork. I was always the one who dealt with paperwork for buying and selling houses etc and so he gave up - made him look good anyway when he split money from house with me and even agreed to give extra money to me from house sale so I could afford to buy a house (after initially saying that I could go on waiting list for asssisted housing, he just couldn't be bothered to argue). Also, in the quickie divorce we got (I had to divorce him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, even tho he left) I cited his racism as one of the main problems and quoted him swearing at the TV in front of kids, calling black and asian players and I quote "n*ers" "black c*nts" and "pa**". His lawyer was Jewish. I don't think this went down well with his lawyer and he phoned me to say "When the grounds were read out that was pretty humiliating for me". Oh diddums eh? Something else really helped me too. At the time, one of my mates was training to be a police officer and she phoned me to say they'd had a course on domestic abuse and all she could think about throughout the whole thing was me - apparently my situation was classic EA. That helped me to realise that I wasn't being unreasonable thinking that exh was abusing us all - he really was.
Starting - I had the same problems with my exbf - felt that I was so damamged from exh and another relationship that I had had after that, that I really didn't have much perspective in my relationship with exbf. Now Norm sounds lovely and my exbf was obviously a twat, but one thing I didn't do was trust my instincts. Whenever I felt like things weren't going well, whenever there were "red flags" in my relationship with exbf, I just told myself that it was my mind playing tricks on me because of feeling paranoid after being left by exh. Turns out my instincts were right, I just didn't have enough self worth to admit to myself that he wasn't making me feel cherished or loved. Now I'm not saying that Norm is anything like this but just remember, you are worthy of a good man and follow your instincts my love. And always talk to Norm if anything crops up that you don't like or if you're feeling paranoid. If he's a keeper, he will SHOW you how much he cares. That's one thing I'm taking with me from all the shit - love is about actions, not words. :)
And DF - you are NOT a fool. You have been wronged by a narc. And narcs are really really good at that.
Getting - your advent service sounds lovely. Don't think I'll be able to go to ours, as we would have to drive another 17 miles back on Christmas Eve to go to it! Roll on 27th love - well done for getting through this year with head held high!!!
Love to all dumplings. Am around today and lurking/posting if anyone needs a rant/good cry.
I've got to the generally slightly miserable stage now! Haha! I really have. You've got to laugh really. All of us lovely women going through the mill and all of the blokes we are sad about just getting on with it, full of freedom and all so mightily feckin relieved! Bless em. Hope their willies freeze and break off in the big chill :)

Oh deluded your H is emotionally manipulative, abusive, controlling and has crushed your spirit Freedom is coming, have hope lovely. See a solicitor as soon as possible , speak to citizens advice, ensure child benefit is paid into your own bank account. Stay strong, you'll feel lighter with even just the first few steps. If things escalate women aid can rehome you if needed. I would consider taking copies of important documents and putting them along with passports etc somewhere safe. May sound a little paranoid but it's better to be prepared just in case.

Deluded doesn't do you justice as a nickname. We all wanted our marriages to work, put up with more than we should and walked on egg shells etc. That's because WE meant our marriage vows and are women of integrity. I agree with whoever talked about the dream. I was guilty of that too but you've now come to a cross roads in your life, it's going to be a new beginning for you. A new start. Steal yourself for this horrid bit, can you spend a few days with a relative for some breathing space?

It's taken ages to type this on my phone. Time to switch the pc on I think.

Hi teaandchristmas.Thanks for your post. Have seen a sol now. Yes, I don't know what is real, know myself now;I keep trying to hold onto the truth, but as probably your experience, the manipulation through the years has done damage to my thinking - big time. I will read Googoo's words a bit later too. Thanks. Only 11 years of marriage, though, and, as he says, people get divorced all the time, don't make such a fuss.

Oh blimey - it IS my exh. His favourite expression "I don't know why you're making such a fuckin fuss. It's a one man job that should take two minutes".
And DF - I agree with Tea. Your nickname is a sign of how battered down you've become. You are not deliuded or a fool. You are also allowed to grieve for your marriage and for how hurt you have been. As Patience would say, use this time alone wisely, to learn about yourself, to start to love yourself and to heal. Pamper yourself and come to some peace. This thread helps. Much much love to you strong and lovely woman.

First positive for u Df is you won't need to here his opinion about anything anymore.did sol think its possible for you to stay in UR home .UR h is so insecure he projects his self loathing on to you.get some space .

First positive for u Df is you won't need to here his opinion about anything anymore.did sol think its possible for you to stay in UR home .UR h is so insecure he projects his self loathing on to you.get some space .

I had some counseling after separation and it has helped me hugely. Well worth looking into it.

Patience is right: you won't need to hear his opinion about anything anymore.

So true.

Good luck with UR arctic adventure ggm x

Who thinks deluded should namechange ?

How about nobodysfool ?

Actually DF your name makes me and you arent deluded far from it

Oh I feel odd. Just had an e-mail from my solicitor, I'm divorced apparently. My absolute has come in.

Even when we split I would grow strong then he would say something negative to me ,later u realise what a difference it makes not to have such a DOOM carrier with u everyday ,in fact I would recommend a clear out of all negative people in UR life woman's aid do free counselling find out if its available in UR area did you phone them these woman are trained to help you get free.u would be a deluded fool if u chose to stay ,the fact that u have woken up and smelt the coffee is worth celebrating.stay in the moment enjoy everyday ,soon you will be independent and empowered .

Tea - brilliant name change option. GO ON DF - CHANGE YOUR NAME! When I first came on here (nearly a month ago) Patience told me I had to pamper myself. I disliked myself so much and had such little self esteem that I thought she was mad. Only a month on and I'm starting to like myself more and believe in my ability to make myself happy and at peace. DF - please change your name. I only ever write DF because I hate having to write the long version - it's so insulting to you. You have projected the hate that this man has for himself and others onto you.
And you are right DF - these type of men choose us because they know we are kind and loving. Manipulators, abusers, piss takers and bullies don't pick on people who have a "don't mess with me" look in their eye because they know they can't manipulate, bully, piss take them. And it doesn't mean that we have to turn into hard nosed bitches. It just means that we have to DETATCH from these people, find our own self worth and find someone who is as kind and loving as us. And that will be a special person. Because they would have to be special. We are. And I've started to think that whoever gets my heart is going to be bloody lucky because I am kind, funny, very loving and good company. And I keep my house clean. And I'm quite sexy, if the light's behind me and I'm wearing the right knickers!

Oh Tea, many hugs to you love. I remember that feeling. Very mixed. Focus on the positives. You are free.

Hugs to you tea ,do something nice 4urself today,I think its strange to think this time next year most of on here will be divorced ,but it shows we are strong women that won't be disrespected!

Pmsl at right knickers ggm I
also look great fantastic boobs with the right bra on LOL x

Big squeeze to Tea . A mix of sad because of the time of year and happy for a whole new 2011

Hugs to Tea -do something for yourself today :) And yes a whole new 2011

Back later :)

Well, guess who gave me a ring this morning?
the bloody OW! She was asking me not to go into their work as she 'was a professional' and she would speak to me any time I wanted 'as a favour to me'

I did point out that it wasn't very professional to be shagging the bloke at the desk opposite and got a load of abuse where she called me a 'just a bitter woman'

Not bitter sweetheart, just angry.

Not going to engage in their drama - will send one email letting her know a few home truths - with strict instructions to ex that she is not to ever contact me again or I will let the cat out of the bag about other dodgy happenings at their work.

Have told him to put the house on the market in January.

That he wil now be having the girls on alternate weekends Friday teatime - Sunday teatime starting the weekend of NYE

and one overnight stay in the week. I will be putting on the calender so the girls have a bit more stability - and know where they are going to be.

I have also told him not to contact me at all - unless it is to do with the girls arrangements, wellbeing or school.

I can NOT believe he gave her my number Just when you think they can't stoop any lower!I'm here looking after OUR children and she's on the other end of my phone!

Will catch up with the thread later - just sorting out the girls pressies

Shows how scared he is that he told the OW and she's so scared that she wanted to beg you not to do it. He shouldn't have given her your number it wasn't appropriate though

I'd try and calm down and then decide on the best course of action after this, maybe write the letter and then ask a good friend to proof read it before e-mailing to him for example. As sometimes when I'm really cross I'm not as succinct to say the least.

You must be hopping mad. Did you manage to stay calm on the phone with her? I think I'd have been so surprised I may not have been able to think clearly on the phone about what to say.

Thats interesting isnt it Kate I thought she wasnt up for a relationshp with your H ? Yet she is calling you "a bitter woman" rather than saying" Can I take the opportunity to clear the air I dont want a relationship with your H"

I think you are right to get a routine in place for the girls and you as well. Also good idea to sell the house if he isnt going to pay proper maintenance. Get your share safely.

You okay Tea ?

yeah - she didn't say "I know you are angry or I know you are upset" Just called me bitter.

They have clearly been going on a long time -she also didn't deny that they had sex, where as he still is.

I've sent the email, I'm not going to confront them in work - but I did give them a few home truths. He has told her she is not to retaliate, or contact me. I'm not going to be part of their drama.

Once it's not all secrets and romance - lets see how she likes spending time with him when he has 2 kids with him, no money, no car and no house. Wonder if he'll be such a catch then.

So, now I know it all - I know we are never going to get back together...even years down the line. I've heard what she was like, spitting poison while I'm looking after our children. She sounded vile. I'm not blaming her - and have not said that she set her sights on a man in a relationship. She was single. he is at fault - but I'm not having him re writing history - and god knows what he has told her. So know she knows the truth about what he's done to me and the kids.

We are not going to be friends - he has treated me like crap and I guess it is an appropriate time to move on.