Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 10

[googoomama]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity
:) :(

Everything ggm said. Never thought I could think even less of men!

Kate can you call child maintenance options and find out your rights on maintenance for the children? I've opted to go through CSA now as my H is too unpredictable in provision for me and DC's and I'd prefer to have an agency in between to kick his sorry arse into touch.

I can't believe your ex Kate, NPD anyone? Glad you're reading Solost thread, it's very helpful.

I need to go to bed as I feel rotten, I'm sorry I'm not keeping up on here properely right now.

He's trying to normalise his behaviour really isn't he? Another lady on my divorce course's H turned up to deliver the DS's back to her with his new woman and expected his ex to be fine with it all because apparently she needs to get used to it You stick to your guns love, it's ok to be zen like and lovely but it's also ok to be firm with them when they take the mickey imo

I know - what an arse.

I hope they are panicking that little wifey is going to make a scene - especially after the lovely 'friends only' weekend they had.

He kept ringing, dd was on the sofa after throwing up and I needed to be with her - took phone off hook eventually.

Begining of Nov he was here - playing the perfect dad and repentant partner who would do anything for us to get back on track.

googoo he told me as well that he wasn't 'happy' with the situation with OW - she's def not as keen as him, but that he was 'happy' that me and him had split and it was a relief to him

Sorry about double post. bad signal

Oh Kate - you are doing a grand job you know. And I remember yours was the same as my exbf in terms of "telling" us things really kindly. That's NPD for you. As Tea said, they are trying to normalise their behaviour. Thing is, their behaviour IS normal - for a narc!
I'd keep threatening to go to his work - that'll ruin their Christmas. I had a friend who is now divorced who did just that - she went to (very young) OW's PARENTS' house. OW had since the affair with her husband married and had a baby and the whole family was devoutly Christian. Anyway, she knocked on OW's mum's door (she knew them from church) went in and calmly told them that the reason for her divorce (which was much frowned upon in her congregation) was because their daughter had slept with her husband! That soon set things stright, I can tell you!

And when my exbf wrote a song about me, basically saying that he didn't know what to do, which contained the line "Am I taking the piss?" and put it on facebook, he also sent it to me as a private message with the cheery words "This was like giving birth to a donkey! It's such a relief. And all the sentiments are true and from the heart you know." What a twat.

Posting a bit about myself tonight - sorry ladies :)

Weirdly, in the first few months - I hated feeling angry and bitter because it made me feel worse. Probably because I still had feelings for him.

But tonight, when he was begging me not to contact her - I said, "I've put you and how you feel first for 13 years.

Now I'm not putting you first, I need to see her for my own closure.

How does it feel not to be put first? I have been feeling like that for months when you didn't put me first" The I laughed and said "feels a bit shit doesn't it?"

He's a fool, ready to drop his dc at the first opportunity. She is his age (38) but has no dc so they can get on with their lives without any responsibilities.

I shall be back and offering serene advice as soon as I'm over this blip.

Kate - you don't need to be sorry. That's what the dumplings are here for. You've been there for all of us too.:)

Once I realised I was dealing with a bloke with a mental age of 15yo it helped

detatch ,completely irresponsible but keeps telling me how he really wants to help out as much use as ...............(fill in the blank)

as much use as...a facebook song
as much use as...a RR without batteries!

Or just an absentee daddy

Ok starting to panic a bit can't find alarm clock on new phone lol

Wow I am such a luddite I am extremely excited about my alarm sounding like a bell LOL just got this phone to stop me having to communicate with anyone over 7yo on Xmas day ,Ho Ho Ho just a back up plan if it all gets heavy man

Waves to all..........

Have read all the posts but hard to keep up & comment on what's going on for everyone so excuse me if I overlook some people.

Kate, I cannot believe what your x said, never mind the disrespect of him bringing ow to your home. I can fully understand your rage. Vent away.

Goo, equally am left speechless at email from your xbf! WTF "giving birth to a donkey". You are well rid

Pink, sending positive vibes for your friend that things will turn around for her from here on in. Will indeed give Norm a shag for you

Happy, so glad today went well for you & that you have can take a bit of a breather for now.

Patience, glad you still strong & enjoying the benefits of modern technology . Was planning on getting a touch screen for myself but had to make an emergency dash to dentist today & am getting root canal instead & paying 500 for the pleasure .

Tea, hope you start to feel better soon ((Hugs))

Welcome & Waves to Bring, Still, Deluded & Where

Maybee, well done on surviving Mil

Sov, well done for handling things so well with xh & hope you have a lovely night out on NY's .

Getting, enjoying reading your posts

Well got stuff from sol today about court date in early Jan for legal separation & felt stirings of FEAR. Want to bury head in sand but alas have been given a list of things to do asap.If he'd an ounce of integrity he'd have just signed over house, signed separation papers & be done with it. Instead f***r is looking to profit out of misery he's already inflicted! Will need to do meditation to clear negative energies.

Also beginning to realise how damaged I am from it all. It's 4mts now since I started dating Norm & I honestly don't know if I'm able for dating/relationships etc anymore. I float along happily for awhile but every few weeks I tell myself he's just a selfish f***r like the last one & I have to dig so deep not to end it each time . Am also fairly convinced it's me that's the problem & not him i.e. that I'm projecting stuff from relationship with xh onto him . So the truth is the longer I am in this with Norm the more I question if I am emotionally healthy enough to have a relationship with anyone . Can feel at times that because I put up with way too much crap from xh that I could now morph into a BITCH & lash that out onto innocent poor old Norm . Am telling myself that these are issues that I'm going to have to work through at some point anyway so may as well just go with the flow for now with Norm & see how it goes.

LC, glad you are sounding more positive

Waves to mumfun, city, rom & anyone else I've forgotten.

Mumfun, was actually thinking of you at dentist today & thinking of all the secondary effects of the stress & worry etc that our xh's caused

Just a quick post to Kate - be careful sweetcheeks - your xh is contemptible pleading poverty when hes spent money as you described but you sound sooo lovely and collected dont let that piece of crap draw you into a nano seconds behaviour you will regret..take your time and consider first ..

aww getting I'm not going to - I'm just feeling so pissed off at me n girls being in rented house having to get benefits to pay the rent - when he's had everything made easy for him.

just can't believe the man I loved could do this to me.

BUT, don't feel sad any more - and that has helped me not feel like a doormat anymore.

Kate, it might look like he's getting the better deal now but wait till further down the line & I doubt things will be so rosey for him. He is behaving like a proper twat atm though so you will need to dig deep to be able to detach! Channel the energy into fighting for your & dc's rights.

googoomama- my H has been making life really difficult here at home, and last night, totally oblivious/in denial/a liar, he says 'why can't we just have a civil divorce'. He is only civil when he gets what he wants for five minutes, then he reverts back to Mr. Nasty. Whatever shit he has dealt with, if I ever made a 'fuss' or got upset, then I was told to 'grow up, dn't be so weak'.

googoomama - I really should proofread;my typing goes haywire when I am angry!

Meant - whatever shit he has given me. He gives the grief, I respond negatively (try not to) and, then MY behaviour is terrible (according to him). I should have been a saint all these years, and I did keep taking all the shit, but I am human with deep feelings (unlike him - zero empathy for anyone).

I have just kept telling myself for years - 'come on, X (me), you really should have a thicker skin. You really mustn't be so weak and pathetic like he says you are. He is strong and I am weak. I should not act like a teenager, even though I am middle-aged (which I am), and I mustn't make a fuss about anything ever so there are never any consequences for him'. Well, I had to be bloody strong to keep going through it all, but what for? It just teaches you that you can be given a shit time by someone and you keep trying and struggling (and keep going because you have dc), and keep your head above water, - for nothing, in the end. It wasn't appreciated; it meant nothing to him; my role (SAHM) was nothing more than a 'scrounger' to use his words.

People like him make me so angry because they are totally self-centred, cause stress and worry for other people and then just retreat and look after themselves, whilst other people have to pick up the pieces.

Oh dear, I think I'm a bit angry (again)!

Deluded I am still learning myself but I think the behaviour you are describing is part of a cycle of emotional abuse, where they transfer the results of their behaviour onto you and hence you are the one at fault.

My xh was an expert in this and even while it was going on I didnt buy it and would say to him how can it be that you go out yet again and dont come home when you say and then I get angry that I am the "nutter". When they keep saying black is white though and have the emotional upper hand you just end up backing down even when you know at some level it isnt you.

You do have to go through the anger and there will be a period of time where you are angry at yourself for withstanding this but as you say you have dc and maybe loved him, a whole host of reasons why you stayed.

But deluded you can work through this and before long you stop castigating yourself and just feel relief that you no longer have to put up with the bullshit. Like you I had to live with xh for a few weeks before he left and I used to just think I cant wait for you to go. Just switch off deluded and think soon I will have no one in my life who speaks to me like this . For me, a year later, this remains an abiding joy that nobody ever speaks to me the way he did.

In the year since my xh left he has done nothing towards the maintenance of our large house and an hours stuff towards preparing it for sale. A couple of days ago we spoke on the phone and I told him I would be relieved once a survey was done as there are a few worrying cracks around the house. He said well its just a case of filling them with Polyfilla and touching in the paint. I told him I wouldnt be doing that. So he reverted to type telling me hes too busy and being as I am here doing nothing all day why cant I do it. Its quite incredible really that he still feels he can speak to me that way but after a brief time of anger I just once again thanked my lucky stars that is more or less out of my life.

Deluded have a look at the few books out there that address this type of man , hopefully Patience will be along later with plenty to say about it !

Well I am ok this morning, actually having some angry moments too just thinking back to this time last year. I will be glad when 27 December comes which will be my first day of a second year with him gone. Rather childishly I am wishing there was some way of penetrating his smug happiness but of course there isnt. Starting said ages ago that somewhere down the line there is some sort of payback and I still think thats probably true its just such a long game isnt it.

Last night I went to a wonderful carol singing at a local church and then on for a glass of wine afterwards. Watching the choir I really wish I had a passion like singing in my life you know something to just absorb you and feel good about.

Remember me saying I was hatching plans for an all new 2011 ? Well I cant bloody sing thats for sure . Seriously though I want a hobby of some kind - all suggestions welcome

I enjoyed catching up on the thread.

Pink did you get the tree up ?

Tea hope you are feeling better now

Starting what a nice feeling being up to date. Whats a separation order compared to a divorce ? Nosey getting

LC how are you today?

Kate whats your thinking on contacting ow today ?

googoo hows the snow ? Hope it looks like you will be able to drive on Saturday

Waves to everyone its so hard to remember all the posts now I need to make notes

Df UR last post just sums up my X opting out of Xmas must be his biggest Opt Out yet!