Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 10

[googoomama]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity
:) :(

I can't help thinking I must be bad as he says I am, as, I am a dumpling, and there is not even another woman for him to go to.

deluded When I left my ex (to give him space to think) he swore there was no one else he was interested in.

It was about ME, MY shortcomings, his lost attraction in ME.

He set me a list of stuff I needed to do to make HIM feel better in our relationship. They do this - it's part of the script...Impossible tasks so when you fail to come up his requirements he has the excuse to dump you.

I asked him in May when his attitude / (physical and mental) towards me changed...is is because of XXXX? as he had just given her a job and started working closely with her.

I asked him in June when I got my 'list' of expectations

I asked him in in July when he told me on day 2 of our holiday that he didn't feel the same.

I asked him from August - October...when I moved out with my girls to give him time to think about what he wanted.

At the point he came back to me for 2 weeks...he still denied it.

After using me for 2 weeks, getting the expectations of the kids and me that we would be back together - he dumped me again.

I finally find out in Decemeber he is madly in love with XXXX after all.

For months - he left me wondering what I had done wrong, what was so bad about me as a person - that he would rather be alone than try to make it work and save a 13 year relationship.

It wasn't me - he can shout out to all and sundry that 'he fell out of love with me years ago' but I know how we were, together and as a family,

When they dump us - it's about THEM. ALWAYS. HOW THEY FEEL. Not you, not me - not any of these other fabulous ladies on here.

Deluded, you are NOT anything like he says you are, it is all a power game to him, it is emotional abuse, plain and simple, in fact IME your the oppisite of what they say, as they only say these things to drag us down and make us think they are wonderful for putting up with us and we in turn are grateful to have them
My XXP used emotional abuse so that i didnt leave him, he told me i was fat and ugly and useless and anything else he could think of so that i was under his total control, he told me no one else would want me but him and even then he was only with me for pity and that i repulsed him
Eventually i left him, even though i was worried i would never meet anyone ever again i knew i couldnt stay with him, i was only 18 ffs and he'd had complete control over me since i was 15, but i did meet other people and realise that i was worth a lot more than he told me i was and you are too, dont let him tell you anything different
You are a beautiful, strong, capable woman, who is worth so much more than you have got now and being a dumpling doesnt make you worthless it means he is not worthy of you
Contact a solicitor or Citizens advice or even womens aid today and get that vile man out of your home and your life
Why do you think there is no OW?, because he told you there isnt? he's been lying to you constantly about the type of person you are so what make you think he's telling the truth now?
Deluded, your DC dont need to be taught that this is the way to treat women or learn this is the way we should be treated you are worth soo much more please call someone and get rid of him and take back the control

Kate and @ 'list' of expectations, what a c*

My X also says he hasn't loved my for a long time, he still cares about me but his feelings have changed TWAT!!!!! yeah has no connection to wanting OW does it PRICK

They all make me so angry the way they try to lay the blame with us when it is clearly all them !!!

yeah Sov

Seeing her at work all day was clearly making him extra horny - so he told me about all the things I could be doing to help out...you know, dropping my knickers whenever he wanted (no matter if I'd been up with the girls or was knackered!)

I did realise a couple of days later...hang on you silly woman, you asked him DIRECTLY about XXXX and he did not explicity deny it, could not say her name....and then he gives YOU a list of stuff to do (despite him withdrawing affection from me)

Typical senario - Deflection of the guilt.

Kate This makes me so :( I confronted my XP in the early hours of one morning when he was chatting to her on FB and asked him to just tell me if we were over. "Oh don't be silly, you've got the wrong end of the stick, we are just friends, blah, blah" Said he would join me in bed in a minute, yeh after saying goodnight to her first, kissy, kissy, slag me off, blah blah. They lie and make you think you are going mad, it's horrid. How can someone be so cruel? I just can't get my head round it. He was so awful that after he had dumped her to get back with me he said that Skank was on a certain pill which helped her PMT and maybe I could try it too?????? What a shit. But I said I would look into it. I was desperate to do anything to make me compete with her. But I can't, she is half my age, full of energy, pretty..... Sorry, gone a bit down again today, you sound like you understand what I'm going thru, Kate.

Still it's awful - and I can't actually believe that I was ringing him last week hoping we could make a go of it.

I need to keep reminding myself what he's done, how the man I loved just upsticks for the new woman in the office...I don't even know if she wants him!

It's an emotive time of the year - but we have to stick together and be strong.

I know. Everyone tells me how it won't last with him and this girl (and she is a girl, not showing adult behaviours yet) but I just wanted if to be over in a few weeks. It's been three months now but I don't know what kind of relationship they have, I know she doesn't stick with anyone or anything for very long. When it does end I will be so much stronger and in essence a different person so I won't want him back. And that is what makes me :( at the moment. Still in that phase where I want things to be back as they were but deep down I know they can't be. It is such a mess and I can't believe I fell in love with someone who had the capacity to cause such grief to lots of people. Makes me ashamed a bit I spose.

Part of me wants it to be like it was before he met her - but I realise it will never be the same.

Part of me wants him to come crawling back with his 'tail' between his legs and apologise and beg me to forgive him.

...so I can tell him where to go.

I forgive him - to maintain my mental strength. He's a weak, stupid individual who has put himself and his needs before our girls.

But I will never forget.

Try not to focus on them - focus on yourself now.

Like many of us here there was also an OW involved in the breakdown of my relationship but my XP never expressed any intention of leaving me for her. He was with OW for 2.5 years and I honestly believe he would have carried on living a total double life indefinitely. She wanted to leave her H and 6 year old DD with special needs to set up home with XP but he just wanted to have two women on the go. I feel like I was in a polygamous marriage except XP forgot to mention it to me. I fulfilled some of his needs - stable family home, mother of his child, financial security, decent cooking etc whereas she worshipped him, showered him with compliments, massaged his ego, shaved her pubes (yuk) and performed any sexual act requested. And yes we were also still having sex too. Even worse, she is older than me and beacause of alcohol/smoking/plastic surgery looks like a caricature of a woman. Think Pete Burns and Jackie Stallone had a lovechild and you've got it. What a fecking insult!

I have taken the decision to start the New Year afresh. NY eve will be the hardest night I will ever get thru but I know that if I can do it and come out the other side then I will have overcome a massive hurdle in my healing process. It is so hard not to be hoping that things aren't working out for them. The likelihood of it working is very slim but I can't put my life on hold waiting. Like you I want him to come back begging for forgiveness, just so that I have the satisfaction of being right all along. But even if it doesn't last with his floozy, he would never admit to doing the wrong thing still. I have come to realise that he just isn't mature enough to conduct a proper relationship and to face up to things. He is a weak loser and I can't be dragged down by trying to save him and make him a good person, it is an impossible task. Just got to try and boost myself up somehow.

Critter I don't know which is worse, sorry. Knowing he is making an idiot of himself with a young, pretty, fun airhead doesn't make me feel good about myself. If he prefers someone shallow who appears to be just using him for money rather than me who is plain looking, old but loved him and cared for him unconditionally just makes me feel like a fool. Don't know how I would feel if she was older and uglier than me, weird one that.

Stillhurtin - NY Eve is just another night. It's not a special day, it's just another Friday night when people have too much to drink, don't enjoy themselves half as much as they think they should be, spend way too much money then can't get a taxi home.

Hi ladies

Kate how charmless a list to follow , dont suppose he issued himself with one did he ?

Sov its so hard its like they have you over a barrel because on one hand you just want to say FO but on the other hand its Christmas and you want whats best for the dc. In your shoes I would pursue it for the dc sake knowing privately that come the New Year unless he starts to toe the line he will be history

Hang in there Still its early days and it sounds like you are already seeing your xh for what he was

deluded agree with others about ow surfacing.

I think my script was slightly different in that xh had been vile to me for sometime and in hindsight he had stopped loving me long before my ow hoved into view. My grievance is more that he made no effort at all in our marriage either for me or the dc for years then eventually turns around blaming me for it all tells me he doesnt love me and hasnt for years meanwhile spending 2 years watching me jumping through hoops trying desperately to be the wife he wanted. He of course stayed the same selfish alcoholic singleton living arse he had for the preceeding few years.

I have to say though I am still so glad I am away from him because however happy he is now (now he is away from me) he consistently sounds the same brusque, miserable, at times vile man he was when he left.

I am starting to give thought to the New Year there are going to be some changes. Back later on what they will be but hopefully all along lines of dumpling empowerment

Getting You are right. I know for a fact that altho XP said he had changed and wanted exciting life, I know that deep down that isn't who he really is and he will be struggling with the facade. No-one can just change a personality like that overnight, not unless they are psychotic which I don't think he is (yet). Part of me is pleased that I am living true to myself, all the more smug because I know he will be pretending to be some cool, hip, young dude just to fit in with OW student lifestyle. He is 37 for God's sake, how can he start living like a teenager again, deluded fool!

sorry God

2011 has GOT to be better than 2010. Seriously. My life simply has to get better.

And I know New Year is just another day, it just gives me the hope of a new page to turn over so that I can have a fresh starting point. It just coincides with me getting through a tough night and feeling stronger once I have made it. I know I shouldn't pin any hope on things being different, just I have allowed myself to wallow a bit up til now but I feel that the time has come to make a concerted effort to stop wallowing and concentrate on moving on. It's helping me focus so I am going to go with it whether it works in reality or not.

Xposts.

Everyone said xh would "come to his senses" , my ow is 6 years older,twice divorced with 5 dc and was famous for being on the hunt for a rich man (is barmaid where he used to live drink)and failed to hit the jackpot until she hooked xh. Of course xh with his towering rewrite/ignore history he doesnt like "saw a different side to her".

Anyway they are still together and going strong as far as I know although xh would move heaven and earth to stay with her rather than a) be on his own and b) admit he had made a mistake so I wouldnt know even if he spent every day regretting what hes done.

Also much as I am so glad we split I think he is too whatever happens with her , we werent happy in the end whoevers "fault" that was. The difference being I know I gave the marriage my all whereas he didnt although I dont think he even thinks like that.

Getting I thought we were happy in relationship, things are never perfect but we were both adult and sensible enough to have tried to work out any problems if they arose. I would have never dreamed that he thought so little of what we had to throw it all away for a 20 year old with bizarre background, quite a few bad relationships behind her, and history of not staying with anything in her life for more than 5 mins. But you can get away with being like that when you are 20. It is very unlikely that she looks at him realistically thinking he will be the last man she ever sleeps with. Maybe I am a bit old fashioned but from what I see around me in current culture, the chance of her staying with him for the next 40+ years seems very unlikely. Perhaps I am fooling myself, but I no longer think this just to try and make myself feel a bit better, it's just how I see kids these days in the world we now live in. Even I didn't want to settle down at 20 with a man old enough to be my father and I still don't want to now! Yuk!

Sorry, think it is a bit different with people who are a both older and more experienced in relationships. You sort of have an idea of what you are looking for. I don't think that at 20 you know what you want for the rest of your life, I certainly didn't at that age. I just know OW is still experimenting with relationships whereas he has been settled and still doesn't know what he wants. If he thinks he will spend the rest of his life with her then he clearly is a bit clueless when it comes to women.

Still I am so surprised my xh didnt follow that particular part of the script , I think he has opted for the mother figure tbh.

Everything else about him is a cliche the cars, the too young clothes and the whole mid life crisis.

Speaking of men with no sense how are you Romney ? Another husband who needs his bumps feeling.

Anyway where is Romney ? Citydoll ? Hope you are ok and all dumplings who came and said hello and then disappeared...hope you are all ok

Afternoon all!
Well, Getting, Still, LC, BOTG, DF and Kate, all of your recent posts ring true with me.
Getting - it's so crap to think of DCs in house with exh and OW. My exh very quickly set himself up with new woman (who I think was 19 at the time) and when the DCs went there for the first time I was gutted. They are still together, nearly 3 years later, although as I said before, they have broken up on numerous occasions because she wants kids and to get married and he doesn't. But he does want someone to look after him, do all the dirty work (one of the boys said the other day "Dad took us out and ** was busy doing the ironing and re grouting the tiles!) and have sex with him even when he's vile. So good luck to her I say. I really couldn't care.And she's nice to my boys so that's all that matters to me. She's COMPLETELY different to me in every way. Physically, she's small, curvy, big hoop earrings, quite fashionable. I'm tall, skinny, not massively fashionable! Last Christmas Day, I went to collect the boys and we met on the landing. I was wearing jeans, wellies, a hat and a big outdoor coat. She was wearing a party dress, full make up, high heels and had her nearly waist length hair straightened and a large bolnde streak in her fringe. It was two worlds colliding - haha! And as for cars - my exh said he couldn't care less about cars. Now he drives an Audi A8 with blacked out windows. It's like a fecking tank!
And I think we're all dreading this time of year. I'll be ok with Christmas if I can get to my mum's but I've always hated NY. I've been invited out but don't fancy it as it's with a couple and I'm not a pub crawl person really. So I'll probably be in on my own crying. Mind you, I did tht last year and I was with someone!!!
Funnily enough, my exbf has always dated older women - he got very defensive when I mentioned that at 7 years younger than him ,I was the youngest person he'd been out with. I don't think he liked younger women. I think he wanted someone to take control. As he said in his famous song "You're sweet enough you know you are but sometimes I need more." Thing is, I'm not really sweet but I always go out of my way with men to make them happy. New Year - new me! I'm going to be myself and be more demanding!
And girls, it doesn't matter who are exes are with, or whether it's going to last (which none of them will btw - they are repeating patterns of behaviour you know) because we are free of them. And we have to move on, grow as women, learn to love ourselves and forge ahead into the future, whatever that may hold. We will never fully understand why they did these things and they don't understand themselves anyway. And as it says on the NPD site I linked into here, narcs drop you when they have finished with you and they move on quickly. And that can be very heartbreaking but it is really a lucky escape. Because we all want to be cherished don't we? I'm still waiting, after many relationships to feel that way but I reckin if I start to cherish myself someone else will want to cherish me too :)

And Kate - the list of expectations. Eff off. What a humungous twonk. I'm amazed he can move his head for the dick that must be swinging off it...
And Maybee - January trip is something to look forward to you know. Sorry your little one is ill and you've been having a time at school. I got my usual official letter of complaint from my head - she times it to arrive first day of holidays. If only I was as outspoken and strong in my personal life as I am at school, I'd be laughing! I read your original thread the other day girl - you are doing so well after all that has happened :)

Hey,

I must admit I have found it hard to follow the whole of this thread BUT what I have read has shocked me re what these men have put us through.

I don't know about anyone else, but I find a grain of comfort in believing in Karma (probably kidding myself). I will not be above feeling smug when my twat of a 'd'h continues making a dick of himself wearing Hollister clothes at 51, chasing girls young enough to be his daughters etc etc fooling himself everyone thinks he is hip/cool.