Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 10

[googoomama]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity
:) :(

Hey Still - Patience is teaching me all this stuff! She's the guru! Thing is, we are all heartbroken or still following patterns from when we were in abusive relationships of whatever kind. I didn't realise the fallout from my exh's behaviour would still be affecting new relationships three years on but I do now, and I also know that as Patience says I have to educate myself emotionally and almost arm myself for the future and be a lot more self aware. That is the gift that exh and exbf have left me I guess - and it's a great gift too. As for narcs lol I'm thinking of a great song for this. Hold on I'm going to get it...

Here it is girls! Great narc song

Strange thing about my XP is that in the real world he would never have been able to snare his new young pretty little tart. He isn't vain looks wise because he has no reason to be. They met through work and connected emotionally on FB because she is a total screw up and has had some bizarre relationships that would make your eyes boggle. I am sure my XP is too dull and boring for her in reality but at least he has the big house, the flash car and the almost maxed out credit cards so she will think she has hit the jackpot with her father figure to protect her. I can look at it now and laugh cos I'm in the angry phase, watch out for me next week when I'll be back on the downer again!!

My exh is nearly 38 and his gf is 22 I think. He got together with her when she was 19/20. Patterns of behaviour again!

Well I don't get it. My mum and dad nearly have the same age difference as XP and his fluffy bit, but unlike them they didn't have partners already, didn't start the courtship with sneaking and lying. And I have to say my mum regrets it now my dad is old and infirm and she is his carer. But they just got on with things, they'd made vows and commitments and are good, honest and faithfull people. Not like XP who obviously has NPD and his skank who was given up by her parents (or taken off them, I am not entirely sure) and has had previous abusive and a lesbian relationship in her past (phew, and she's only 20!!!!). Unfortunately XP is one in an inevitable long list of this girl's conquests. I am sure he will look back and be proud, his NPD will not let him look at it any other way. Screwed up jerk.

An SUJ ,thanks for that SH when people ask me what happened to my marriage over xmas etc i will just say "Turns out he was a SUJ "
GGM lol at guru we all take something from this thread and talk about what we have learned along the way .Thats all i know anyway .a lot of knowledgable people have written and spoken about their "SUJ's" and i have read and listened ,if you stay on MN for a year its like a fecking diploma course .NPD thread on the Relationships topic loads of links and stories re "SUJ's"
OK field study trip today ,sky man coming to fit dish ,going to test out my skills today and report back to you.Thinking misogynistic wanker if telephone call is anything to go by ."Alright pal "
Anyway will let you know ,think i can manage to tune out the talking if he is good looking ,will just enjoy my afternoon x

Hi there Dumplings. Sorry I've been awol again. Still finding day to day life quite a challenge but I have been spending more time thinking about what I want and what has happened to me, rather than wondering why xp treated me so badly and second guessing his motives. It's painful but as my wise friend said, you have to go through it not round it.

My xp is definitely not NPD. He's just plain old greedy, selfish and cruel. I am absolutely certain that the affair would have continued indefinitely had I not kept digging for the truth. He is one of those men that can live a double life without it touching his conscience. Ho hum.

Well, the tree is up. But I still haven't got any presents or sent even one card. I'm getting to the point where I don't really care. After all, it's just one day and if I pull it off this might be the way to do xmas. I have asked xp to buy presents for ds from both of us. Older 2 can have cash. Sorted. I think it's more important that I can muster up a few smiles for the day and feel relaxed. Sort of makes me think more about the real spirit of xmas rather than the usual huge rush to buy as much as possible. Peace and goodwill to all men women.

BOTG I feel for you it is so unfair the way all the childcare issues are on your shoulders. My dumpling cousin has this issue and I was talking about it to Mum and she said its the same the world over since time immemorial that no matter who leaves or why its the women who get left with the s*

How you feeling today Tea ?

Loved the image of you sweeping through Glasgow Maybee sounded a bit like Barbarella with those silver boots !

Well googoo I often go on links people put just for a quick peek but this one had me hooked. I have read NPD stuff before but this was so simply worded and ok maybe xh was low-mid end of the scale but it is him to a tee. I think it helped me to push the refresh button on why I am calmer happier and free without his presence in my life. I have identified this before after reading NPD stuff but its never been so well explained and this time I could put a timeline on our relationship and what happened.

I often wonder if I had known about MN been more clued up and knowledgable if it would have made a difference. Then again if I had tried to point out even one of the points raised in that information he would've just told me I was mad lol

Actually googoo your timing is good because I am slightly doing that everyone else is happily snuggled up by the fire thing. My friends who I mentioned as having marriage problems are putting on a happy show for all their worth and even though I know its a front I feel wistful

Just have to keep enjoying the small stuff. Sitting in the kitchen looking out onto the garden which is still pristine because dc have been at xhs and this gorgeous pheasant struts along and parades around for a while .

Dad was meant to be coming today but not now so a blank day ahead. Everything feels a bit surreal and I need to ensure this space doesnt get filled with anxiety.

Hi LC - you're doing ok you know, getting through it, wading through the shit, you'll come out of this stronger you know and more able to see through lies and bull in 2011. I'm glad you're still posting.
And I think you've done a good thing asking xp to do the running around with presents. And you've put your tree up - well done! I never send cards now. I always hated cards in the first place - people get into this thing where they send cards if you've sent one and it all gets out of hand anyway - it's a big felief to me just to say "I don't do cards". It's a complete environmental waste anyway!
And you're right - the true meaning of Christmas is so lost in the mania leading up to it with presents etc. That's why I'm going to chirch with my two this Christmas Eve. It will be a magical thing to do and something for us to share :)
Patience lol re sky man! Get a clpiboard out while he's there! Never seen a good looking sky man (bit like male supply teachers haha! They are always old, with leather patches on their jackets!) Mind you, Alright pal is better than Ok sweetheart!
Still - SUJ going into my vocab too - sound like a new type of jeep! And what you say about your parents is lovely - my parents are also just good kind honest people. I think that's why I'm so bloody gullible - I was brought up to believe that everyone tells the truth and you should see the good in everyone. As my dad said, "Your exbf is unscrupulous, just like your exh". He's right.
Well, snowed in again here. Goodness knows if I'll get to my parents' house at Christmas. Bit scared of the drive but I'm going to try and get there on Thursday before we get anymore snow on Friday.
Hope you're feeling a bit better Tea and how are you today Getting? Haven't heard from Citydoll for ages. Hope you are ok love x

Ok hadnt got to end of the thread when I posted just now. So Stillhurtin does this mean we are related then as my xh and yours are brothers ?. Remember me saying xh had added to his fleet of cars a couple of weeks ago? Well I know its because his image and ego will be hurting with us selling our big house. A pound to a penny all his drinking buddies will be saying " Oh yeah mate see the house is up for sale now" and that will be torture for him so whats the answer ? Pop out and buy another penis enhancing car to just remind everyone hes still a god even if he has has to sell status house.

LC yay to the tree , something for Wallace to destroy ? I like that saying from your friend you have to go through it and not round it and you are.

Well detachment failed completely! Just had huge 'discussion' with him on the phone...I was so cross he organised for the girls to go to his parents while he went off for the whole weekend...then he rings and asks why I'm speaking to him in such a 'clinical' way WTF! NO money to give me for the girls but enough to go off for the weekend!

and...he left the cat all weekend on it's own... is THAT why he asked me to have custody of the cat a couple of weeks ago? They lie and lie and lie don't they?

I said "What do you think I'm going to be like "Oh, how was your weekend? Did you both have a good time?"

So, massive discussion ensued I told him that I don't recognise him anymore - he's an absolute tosser. He wants us to be friends, I asked him - what have you done over the last 6 months that would make me regard you as a friend? Silence.

Told him he will have to have the girls all NYE weekend...he wasn't happy about that.

Seriously? I moved out to give him space to think, (before discovering his love for work mate) I have the girls, I pay for everything for them - when he is supposed to be spending time with them, he sends them off to GP's - and he thinks I'm just going to stay in all over Xmas and NY so he can forge ahead with his new life!

*ladies I think I may be over the grief stage and entering the anger one! :)

Kate Im so mad for you - twunt :+@{??>

Hi everyone. Finding it hard to get going today. Really upset that exbf wrote about "dubious self serving f*er, we all know who they are" on fb. Can't help thinking he was talking about me. Really crushed.
Kate - I admire your ability to tell your ex what he's like. Wish I could do the same.

Ok need to vent am shaking with anger.

I knew xh rental contract comes up for renewal again at the end of December and suspected he would move in with ow. However he hasnt said a word to me about it. Last night when they came home dd was coming out with some garbled thing he had said about not wanting to pay rent in the New Year while he was looking to buy a house.

So I just rang him and said I gather you are moving in with ow after Christmas. Yes. So I asked him if didnt think he might have taken the trouble to mention it to me as my children will now be staying at your girlfriends house when you have access to them. He replied he hadnt given it a moments thought.So I thanked him very much and sent this text

I shall stop giving things a moments thought at this end from now on too. That it didnt occur to you that i should be told before the children that they will be staying at your girlfriends house in future is quite astonishing really.

Someone please post something to stop me going to the dc and telling them I am a bit up and down because this time last year I found out Dad was in love with ow and has been with her all along not getting together in the summer like he would have you believe.

Someone please tell that I am not a complete twat for still building bridges when I need to , forwarding school reports and helping them buy Xmas presents for someone who cant even be bothered to let me know the above.

Fuck fuck fuck I wish there was even one thing I could do to get to him but thats the worst I am clearly an utter irrelevance to him and so powerless.

Trying to detach trying to detach trying to detach

Hello everyone
Haven't been around much the last few days have been either busy or just ignoring the world but i feel much better for it (thank god) as i said in my last post my birthday was shit, completely ruined, i didnt even want to go out on the night but DM forced me and it wasnt a bad night and i did need the alcohol that was for sure
I woke up on the morning to my boiler being broken, set off for school when someone tells me it's closed then X kept ringing constantly till i eventually caved and answered the phone (30 times he rang before i caved) i got a load of abuse, threats and general screaming and name calling apparently i'm a dirty liying whore because i apparently emailed all his mates asking them to have sex with me and now they wont talk to him because of that, i told him i didnt do that as i wouldnt touch any of them with someone elses lol i did email one which is supposed to be my mate too and asked him if he wanted to come round for a drink, if he read into that then thats not my fault
Had lots of abusive texts till about 6pm when he text saying he'd just remembered what day it was and was so sorry, i told him to enjoy the fact he'd ruined it and was past caring, he said he'd call in a few days to have a chat about the DS, not heard anything since so am feeling lots better :o

Apparently X has been writing poetry on FB, something he never ever did before and my friend sent them to me, one of them seems to be about unrequited (sp) love none about me or DC mind so going by his messages and behaviour heres what i think has happened

He had feelings for OW so left me, they started to get it on then she decides she doesnt want him after all but by this time he's lost everything and thinks he's in love with her, because he knows i still love him he comes back to me for a few days to make himself feel better but still wants OW so leaves even though i made him feel better.
Que the guilt, he feels guilty for what he did to me so decides the best way to deal with that is to be horrible and nasty to me and because i caused upset for OW she stops all contact with him so he blames me and he is depressed and everything because of her rejecting him and the fact he is now alone (self pity) he text me the other day saying he doesnt hate me he behaves like he does because he cant "love me like i deserve"

None of this is about me or what i did/didnt do it is all about him and his problems and i hope he suffers for it but i am finally detatching and realising there is nothing i could have done, i am not to blame for any of this, i couldnt have done anything else and i couldnt have loved him more. There is nothing wrong with ME!! :o

Feels pretty good tbh

Off to catch up on the rest of the thread :o

Oh getting IM so sorry. They just think of themselves. I did come to terms with the fact that I was irrelevant - I was part of the old awful world they seek to leave.TBH IM not surprised he hasnt told you. It is so hard though.

You arent a complete twat for supporting your children. But could you explain to the school and ask maybe not for separate reports but for other comms to be separate. Out school sends a lot by email now - could STBX have his email registered separately? You are taking the High Road overall and long term it will reflect well on you and your children will see you are a person with fabulosity and integrity. And true to your self and your values.

Ask yourself why you want to get to him? Of course as Ive seeen lots of women say - its hell as they have moved on a long time ago, healed and have a new person. But there are much better things out there for you too. Its tough but detaching is the way to go. Time will help. Wiah I could help more

Thanks Mumfun and you are right I do those things which keep me true to my values and self and will probably continue to whatever twuntery wings it way to me.

Btw if I havent said before its nail on the head stuff seeking to leave the awful old world which he has chosen me as representing. Wanker. Amazing how we can come to shoulder responsibility for all their shortcomings/mistakes/disappointments. Grrr

Getting, im so sorry that your X is such a TWAT
Dont stoop to his level by telling your DC it will acomplish nothing in the long run and you will end up feeling bad for upsetting them and you dont need to feel like that

Make this the last christmas that you do the pressie thing it is no longer your job it is down to him to sort out in future and make this clear to him, also make it clear if he wants to see school reports ect that he should contact the school and make arrangements for this to happen
You have done all this to make things easier for him but now you need to tell him it's time he did it himself, you dont need to build the bridges he's the one who tore them down if he's that bothered then he should make the effort

I understand you wanting to get back at him but the best way to do that is to be happy and fabulos(sp) just think about you and DC and no one else as they are all irrelevant

Hope this helps hun, i would give you a big hug and a bottle of wine and listen to you rant in RL so here is virtual ((((BIG HUGS)) >

I, too, did not do too well with detaching at the weekend (we are still in same house). I don't know what's happening with me; I keep remembering now all the nasty occasions/things he has done, and I am stupid enough to confront him with these;of course he denies it all and says I am making up a load of lies/those things never happened/I am mad....... Best thing for me is to get away from it, but it's hard with the weather making getting around harder at night.

Finally got lights onto xmas trees, though (trees, have 2, have been up for a week,but I am finding it hard to get into the xmas spirit this year). But, that is done now, they look pretty. DC have made some decorations which I will also put up. This is a very lesser xmas display than I usually manage, but it's hard with facing misery guts every day.

sovereign-he sounds a nightmare; they do like to make up a load of lies, don't they. We just have to remember the truth, even though they keep telling us we are mad. Sometimes, the lies are ridiculous or they are the facts rewritten and twisted..... You know the truth, though.

deluded, sorry if ive missed it but WHY is he still in the same house?

A lot of us seem to be having trouble detaching, wonder if it's just the pressure of the season - we just want it to be so perfect for the dc.

I am amazed how these 'men' can just easily remove us from their lives...and they seem to be able to put themselves first. Looking back though (removing my rose tinted glasses) I think it was always that way.

Anyway, today after I spoke to him - I wasn't crying...I was cross, but I've not been thinking about him all day. I've not had to ping my elastic band once :)

One of the things that I really missed in the early days...which may sound trivial. We used to chat to eachother all day via Msn...just silly little chats, about the girls, sending links and silly jokes and i hated the little box not popping up (obv I removed him from my contacts)once we split.

BUT I am addicted to Twitter - and I chat to someone else now, same thing...little silly messages about what we're doing and what I'm up to with my girls.
Nothing romantic just friendly chat and that has helped so much. Just realised now as I'm washing up that I don't miss talking to him via Msn anymore. (..what with him being such a Twunt)

CUTO - ladies. We are strong. We will get through it and we can hold our heads high and know that we are better people than these dickwipes who treat us with distain.

What is 'pinging your elastic band'? Can someone please explain this to a newbie?

Hi deluded

I have been reading some self help and 'how to get over your split' and have had some trouble stopping the obsessive thinking. I was thinking about ex / OW / our relationship non stop and it was stopping me from moving on (even a little bit)

In some books it advised that when you start thinking about something you don't want to..pinch your wrist...of ping an elastic band and it reminds you to stop take a breath and concentrate on something else.

I didn't think it would work - but it is doing (for me) don't know if it would for everyone.

Anyway, ladies I am currently wearing one of the girls hair bands on my wrist. I've not flicked it today :) but I have decided that I am going to replace it with a nice bracelet as a xmas treat to myself! and as a big FY to Ex

Peace, serenity and tits out :)

Yes Kate - this is such a crap time of year to be nursing a broken heart and trying to detatch! Sov - you are doing great - you are a mighty strong woman and I can't believe the abuse you get and THEN a call to say sorry I forgot it was your birthday?!!! What a total twt.
Deluded - you are in a nightmare scenario - he really needs to move out - go to a SOL asap and find out your rights. Are you both on the papers for the house?
Decided to give up wondering whether I am the "fer" that ex is referring to on fb. If I am, I've done nothing to deserve it and if everyone thinks I am then...what can I do? Sigh. Life is still teaching me hard lessons. I'm always kind and helpful, always try my best and yet I seem to come across some very narc men.
On the positive side, I've arranged to go for a cuppa in new year with CD man. I'm going to be wary, I don't want a new heartbreak, so I hope he will be a nice male friend to have. And it's nice to know he wants to meet up. Must remember that I'm a sucker for a romantic line and a song (oh yes fb bard) so wanker radar will be well and truly on.
This has been a long long day. Boys have done nothing but fight and I haven't been up to it really. I texted one of exbf's friends (a girl) who invited me to a meal today that I couldn't go to, just to say have a good time, say hi to the other girls. It took her hours to reply, saying the meal had been cancelled. I've worried all day that she thinks I'm a "f*er". Why am I so bothered? My friends here like me. Wish I could like myself more to brush it off. What Getting said is true. I too can't be friendly with my ex. He's just taken the mickey, back on that website saying he hasn't had anyone for 5 years, writing songs about me and sending them to a record company - he's shown no respect for me at all. So how can I just immediately (or ever) be friends with him? I'm not being unreasonable am I?

X posted with Kate and DF. Ooh good idea about the bracelet! Haven't tried elastic band thing but have ordered 3 books on relationships that Patience has recommended. I'll let you know if they're any good. Kate - you rock on here girl :)