Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 10

[googoomama]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity
:) :(

I know it all takes time and obv am still raw as it's less than 2 weeks, but it just feels like he's holding all the cards you know!? He walks away from his family and it all seems to be on his terms. I'm going to see a sol - it's all just getting me down, putting up with his shite!

Have said no to the overnight stays - but am thinking maybe I should let DD go there - it'll happen eventually anyway. Just don't know what to do for the best!

i must look back through thread and find out about CD man!!!

Agree with the others GGM - deletion time

My H never has the children over night (yet) As they were so young when we separated I didn't want to confuse them more and he has always been happy coming here to see them. But my two are 17 months apart and were 11 months and 2 and a quarter when we separated.

I think it depends also on your child and how good your H is at parenting? Some H's push to have them overnight early on etc too.

I've been thinking some of the new posters men on here sound like they have NPD quite frankly. Don't rush any decision Goat not yet but do see a solicitor of course Do what you feel comfortable with if possible.

Tea - hi yes I have deleted him from newsfeed but then looked at his profile I think I am nearly ready to delete him now. I'm sorry I'm so crap at doing it, I don't really know why and Patience you're right the whole thing is just negative and I don't know why I'm putting myself through looking. Oh feel I'm doing so well it's just this last bit I can't do. It's been a month and a bit since I last saw him. This is the final push. I guess I know that he's going to be really angry if I delete him and tell all of his friends who I'm also friendly with on fb. But it all sounds so bloody CHILDISH when I'm writing it down like this. It IS childish. I feel ashamed at talking about it when you girls have much worse things to think about. I'm boring myself with it acutally! SORRY :) I am a dumpling. He is a twat. And I don't care if I never see his friends again. I've got my own.

Speak to sol botg ,do you mean overnight stays at OW s house ,i think that is way to confusing for dc if its all new ,whose to say its a permanent relationship anyway .
Take back some control by learning about ur financial rights and visitation rights.Knowledge is power.Dont know ur story except what u wrote here btw x

GGM i am thinking That Was The Year That Was ...Its over let it go !!!!!
I cant do many like that in a lifetime i can tell you x

BOTG - yes I agree, see a solicitor and Tea is right, it depends on his parenting skills, whether he is compus mentus and also you don't need to let your DD stay with him and a random woman until he has proved that this relationship is going to last...it might be distressing for DD to see her dad with a "stranger" to her.
Patience - That Was the Wanker That Was is comedy gold love. I'm going to remember that phrse (although I'm hopefully not going to be using it in 20011 - no man heaven!)
Have you all seen this thread? It's great for a bit of light relief :) made me smile...

Tea - what's NPD?

GGM nothing wrong with having mutual friends if you can handle it .Dont beat urself up ,we all looked at stuff ,course we bloody did ,thats the only reason i can say it just makes you feel bad .Its just a fecking addiction and its still contact.Stop apologising btw ,what ru apologising for ,following ur own path ,to heal from this conman,that strung you along .You dont need to apologise for anything ,you have the right to look on fb anytime you like and u dont stop doing it because we tell u to ,u stop doin it because you realise you are going to gain no joy from it and you work out its holding you back.Good thing is this blokes behaviour has made you realise you deserve to be treated with respect ,WE ALL BLOODY DO !

Thanks for all your kind words and advice ladies.

I have spoken to a legal helpline who say the court's main interest is maintaining contact. exH reckons his sol said overnight stays would be fine - I beleive him on that.

Thing is he has never managed a whole night with DD if she wakes with teething or illness - she's only 14mo. In fact he has shouted at her to shut up in past when it's been his 'turn' (not that he ever took that turn iykwim). Whenever he looked after her alone she always got nappy rash. Either leaving it too long to change her or not cleaning her properly.

It's not a question of rushing inot anything - I'm sad, I miss him (in terms of cuddles/company/good times) but I know we're better off without him. At least I do 99% of the time.

Am due back to work in Jan and have to decide about shifts/nursery, etc. Feels so unfair that all falls on me now. He's just acting like seeing DD is an as & when arrangement that we will just fit in with! Thing is neither of us know what days/times we'll be working cos of our random shift pattern but that's OUR problem not just mine!! She is OUR child but I'm left with all the responsibility. Which is main reason I feel like saying yes to overnights but then think that's selfish & worry DD would be neglected.

Sorry for ramble - am so overwrought and confused!

Narcisistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Do you know the tune GGM even better with music
you tube is bound to have TW3 theme tune Millicent Martin singing and David Frost in the '60s

NPD is Narcissistic Personality Disorder ,people with massive self entitlement ,like my X.
I think all these blokes on this thread have massive self entitlement issues,how else can they just dump their wives and kids or lie /continue affairs gaslight their partners ,not give their kids emotional stability a second thought ,miss out on dcs special days .
Sort of above all the rules that we all live by and need a partner that will condone and enable this lifestyle and always be their narc supply .Once that supply stops they need to find another one .Just have a warped view on life basically .Grace has loads of links on the NPD thread .I used to think it was because mine was a scorpio GGM ,seriously .Its only when i left i realised how bad it was ,he blamed me for everything ,very difficult when someone you love has zero empathy .

Sorry for spelling error - Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Botg i would tell all of this to Sol ,dont let ur X smart talk you into agreeing with anything .Trust ur gut instinct.

Crikey - that's exactly what my exbf has - NPD! AND the exh. Acutally, I was just thinking today that I've always been attracted to very arrogant men, narcissistic men actually, it's so true. It's as if my self esteem is so low that I need to feel the affection of someone who thinks they're great, because it makes me feel more worthy if I have their love. That's why I awlays try to be perfect. It's a habit I have to break and I guess I will do as I keep building my own self esteem and self worth. Got to remember that. Thanks girls. Isn't it funny how I'd never heard of that term before and yet literally ALL the men I've been with have had NPD! Bolldy hell ,what a revelation!
BOTG - my exh was exactly the same. He NEVER looked after my two on his own (they were 18 months and 4 when he left) and my SOL said I had every right to ask for supervised access. However, we worked out initially that he would have them every other weekend and I also felt guilty because I half did it because I was doing everything on my own (still do, most of us do, I'm afraid that's just part of single mum job and you will get used to it - in fact it becomes a source of personal pride!) and needed a bloody rest! And first time he took them he phoned 5 minutes later to say "Where are the nappies? I need bloody nappies!" and I just said "Well ,you need to buy some". And he became a much better dad than he was before. It was a steep learning curve but 3 years on he still has them every other weekend and does fine actually. Just won't have them if they're ill but I can live with that. And they love going and they do good things with him and he's a much more hands on dad than if we were still married. He never did anything because he knew he could get away with it when we were together. But when he's been forced to (and he does want to see them) he does an alright job actually. And I feel very lucky because unlike a lot of dumplings on here, I get the luxury of some time off. So maybe you could give him access and see how it goes. The courts and therefore SOLs are very keen that access is worked out informally between divorcing or separated couples, as if you go to court over it, it costs a fortune. If it doesn't go well, you can immediately go to SOL and suggest another arrangement. But as long as he isn't a drunk or dope head maybe you could give him a chance to prove himself and let him have your DD once overnight just to test the water. I would say though that you stipulate that the OW shouldn't be there, at least at first.
And at the end of the day. Patience is right - you alone know your exh and you must trust your instincts :)

And just for you Patience!
Millicent Martin

He is a drinker and occassional pot smoker, with depression (on anti-d's). He is living with OW! Can't believe he wants to introduce DD to her when they have only been together a couple of weeks (Ok the EA went on for longer but it's not same as living together!)

Think you're spot on about gut but mine is all over the place - what I need is to really talk it through. Think sol would be best person for that, can lay it all out and see what they say. I'd like an informal arrangement but I know H won't commit to days unless pushed. He just wants to arrange as he goes - is used to his other exW allowing him to flit in & out of DSD's life. I do want a break, time to build myself back up and eventually get a life!

It's so odd how many men are just utterly selfish. It's also so sad that they go from woman to woman letting each one down. Next man I meet [hopeful] is getting a full MN vetting

When I said don't rush, I meant into agreeing that your DD stays with him. I'd feel uncomfortable given the extra info you've just posted. 14 months is very small. However I'm sure on the lone parents section many mums have done this and the ex partner has probably coped fine. It's a big step when they're so small. I am thankful that my H never put me under pressure there, however he couldn't really cope with both of them in the early days, even now he breathes a sigh of relief when he leaves, it's hard work

Off to bed in the hope a good nights sleep will help this cold to go faster.

Hello everyone,
Lego torches rock my kids are getting them in their stockings too. Goog I hope you enjoy a coffee with a bloke. Viewing it as a field study is a good idea/
I crossed into the dark side in May but love being 40. Somehow I care even less what people think and I kind of think well yes I'll do that/wear that life is too short I'm 40 now. Only thing that bugs me is the broodiness and knowledge that I probably won't have any more weans now. I had a pg scare from my 40th birthday night actually (just as well twas a scare me thinks I thought I had a great dh back then)
Anyway in some ways getting shot of a shoddy man is like a get out of jail free card or a liberate yourself from all the dishonesty opportunity. Not always easy to see it thus but no good hanging on to someone unworthy. I like Kate's idea that only worship will be acceptable from now on. Bring it on.
I had a fab day today trudging thr Glasgow city in the snow. I had no weans with me so felt light and floaty in my big silver moonboots' I had a nice pastry thing from Gregs and a cappucino in Starbucks on Buchanan st. I got a few pressies as well.
X got the tree and made a real pig's breakfast of putting it in a bucket in an upright way. My son was criticising him and mil said to my 8 yr old 'Lets see you do a better job' Just another example of how indulged my x is. She will even side with him against the kids. Like a few people said earlier he has been v spoilt by his mum as well.

*Patience you seem to know yer stuff, i hadn't heard of NPD but it rings another bell! I often thought my x has no empathy.
Anyway I am off to bed. i work tomorrow and need to get to Thursday without erupting. One of the SMT is really pissing me off.
Goodnight everyone.

X posted with you. I asked my H not to introduce the other woman unless he was really sure it was longterm longterm i.e. possibly thinking of marriage. I did not want my DCs to get attached to someone who'd disappear out of their lives, nor go from mummy and daddy sharing a bed and then poof he's suddenly with some other woman and rushing introducing them to her.

This whole situation must be so hard for you.

Ok everyone, just searched for NPD and found this very helpful definition which has completely opened my eyes to exbf's fairly inbelievable behaviour. Read to the end - the last bit is the best bit

unbelievable sorry

Hope you sleep well Tea :)
Maybee - look at my link and go to the other page that explains "sufferers" of NPD and their likely childhoods - your MIL's repsonse to your DS just about sums it up!
Can't believe you are still going to school. I feel for you. We've finished here and I know all about SMT problems - I've had a few! NPD with my head I can tell you!
Glad you had a good day in Glasgow. I was just saying to Patience that I'm looking forward to coming up if you fancy it in January - I've never been before and always wanted to. I love the big city in the sticks as I am here.

PMSL at knowing my stuff Maybee ,just needed to work out where i was going wrong or i never was going to be happy and as you say life is too short .I think i started off finding out as much as i could about my situation ,one thing leads you onto another ,you read one book then someone posts a link etc.Found MN by accident in Jan this year and just read and read and read .Quite scary how frightened and submissive i had become in my marriage but ur right it is a gift this break we have from the rough road we are on ,its like we get another chance as long as we stay strong and dont become a victim .

GGM so important you learn to be independent in your thoughts so that what other people do or say doesnt alter ur instinctive reaction to something.It is another muscle to start flexing ,basically recognise if you apologise for something ,and start accepting compliments with a thankyou ,think of a compliment as a gift to you ,dont be embarrassed just accept it .Oh and lots of eye contact ,look folk straight in the eye ,these are 3 things i practise everyday .

Oh and you will recognise narcs all over the place now lol!
Just remember a lot of these things are imprinted in childhood [on both sides],we all got warnings but we didnt walk away for whatever reason .This to me isnt about persecuting the other half [although rage away on this thread ]to me its about learning what went down,jumping out of the cycle of dysfunction and improving my own self worth so i never accept the unacceptable again.
To good books are ,
Why Men Love Bitches [cant remember who wrote it ]funny but true sort of book.

Co Dependent no more by melody beattie .

Loads more mentioned on these pages all the time,one about "Games" lots about drama triangles and the roles people play but i cant remember what its called maybe Startin' will know x

Thing is i have to tell myself life now is normal and my married life was not normal.My X made out that it was and when i questioned his arrogant lifestyle ,he always argued he was entitled .He broke my fucking heart was with him since i was 23yo and i loved him so much ,but only way i can detatch and think about moving on is to have it all in black and white in front of me,educate myself about what kind of bloke he really is .I never believed he could have done this to us [like everyone else on here]

Googoo you have done it again my love. My XP always put himself out to help anyone apart from his nearest and dearest. Always had to have the best clothes and flash cars. And it appears that I have gone through "Devaluation". Does the author of this piece know my XP? It seems like it was written about HIM (that would make him feel proud if he knew, tosser).