Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 10

[googoomama]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity
:) :(

Mmmmm...bacon rolls!
Clouded - I used to feel like this too and often still wish we were a "proper" family - and I secretly HATE all the smug bloody marrieds. HOWEVER:
Your children just need you. They need you to love them, provide a stable home for them, a peaceful home where there is no massive emotional instability because one member of the family doesn't really want to be there and the other main carer is breaking her heart/being manipulated. This rubs off on children big time, even if they are too young to understand what is going on. They also need a good example of an adult who is an adult, not someone who is behaving like a small child (as your ex did) AND they need to see proper healthy adult relationships, as the relationship that they see between mummy and daddy when they are together will be what they regard as the "norm" when they grow up and they will base their own adult relationships on this model. I was very aware that my eldest was soon going to see my relationship with exh as "normal" when it was anything but and he would see his dad's behaviour as acceptable when he was a man. This is exactly what happened to my exh - his own father was extremely abusive to his mum and to a certain extent this lowered his standards of how he behaved towards women.
As such, you are BETTER OFF ON YOUR OWN.You have not put them into this situation, he has. And the situation is not bad you know. It would have been really bad if he had kept dithering and they were living in a house where there was constant emotional turmoil with daddy coming and going. Tihs chapter is now closed and you have a peaceful family home (as peaceful as it can be when, like all of us, you are doing everything on your own and often feeling down) but it is emotionally peaceful.
My youngest was 18 months when exh left and he is one of the happiest children I know. He can't remember dad ever living in the house, has no recollection of the turmoil that went on and is very happy that mum and dad both love him, although he is just happy to have me to be honest - he loves dad but he's completely attached to me. The older one was 4 when exh left and it has been harder for him because he witnessed daddy at his worst, was more aware of my suffering and really missed dad when he left. However, I now shudder to think what our lives would be like if exh was still living with us and I know for certain that he will be much happier in life not having lived with his dad.
I hope this helps CV. I know it's not easy but remember too that all those happily married people aren't living a dream - you have no idea what's going on behind closed doors just as they had no idea what was going on when you were married. I remember telling the estate agent, of all people, that we had split up, as we knew her. She couldn't believe it "You were such a lovely couple" she said. Little did she know...
And *Patience" - you should get some Toni Morrison and some Alice Walker. My fave novel of all time "The God of Small Things" by Arundhita Roy. Go for it girl! Yes - snow here again.

Hello everyone

Lots of snow here to day , very beautiful.

Googoo thats spot on advice to CV and I totally agree.It will be sad at lots of different times ahead but it gets easier and the low moments fewer and fewer. There are lots of happy couples out there but just as many hanging on for dear life without the means or courage to do anything about it. CV its not what you chose but remember the serenity prayer about accepting what we cannot change.

googoo you sound far better off without your xh never mind the exbf. Loving all the positive intentions and plans for the new year.

Before I forget Warrior Queen is doing fine just super busy and will be back...

I am off out on our annual Xmas night with my close group of friends, will be couples tonight rather than just us girls but I feel ok about that. Oldies will know but 3 out of the 6 of us are in dire marital straits and I wouldnt be surprised at them joining the split up ranks in 2011 .

Full of cold so will need to be sensible or will suffer tomorrow. Actually would prefer to be snuggled in watching Strictly but cant let the side down.

Chin up those of you feeling at rock bottom and know this time next year you will feel completely different

Hello everyone

Lots of snow here to day , very beautiful.

Googoo thats spot on advice to CV and I totally agree.It will be sad at lots of different times ahead but it gets easier and the low moments fewer and fewer. There are lots of happy couples out there but just as many hanging on for dear life without the means or courage to do anything about it. CV its not what you chose but remember the serenity prayer about accepting what we cannot change.

googoo you sound far better off without your xh never mind the exbf. Loving all the positive intentions and plans for the new year.

Before I forget Warrior Queen is doing fine just super busy and will be back...

I am off out on our annual Xmas night with my close group of friends, will be couples tonight rather than just us girls but I feel ok about that. Oldies will know but 3 out of the 6 of us are in dire marital straits and I wouldnt be surprised at them joining the split up ranks in 2011 .

Full of cold so will need to be sensible or will suffer tomorrow. Actually would prefer to be snuggled in watching Strictly but cant let the side down.

Chin up those of you feeling at rock bottom and know this time next year you will feel completely different

Ex has gone AWOL this weekend - grandparents came to have the girls on 'his' night to have them. GPs arrived 20 mins late to collect them...so I tried his phone and he's not picking up...he always has his phone on him.

Bit annoyed that he concocted a whole tale of how he couldn't have them on friday but would have had them on Saturday but the GPs wanted to see them (They never slept over when we were together) and the GPs see them for tea 2 evenings a week every week!

I'm obviously being strung a line about the OW not wanting him...so they can convieniently start seeing eachother in a few weeks / months.

Hi Getting - enjoy your night out love. I was going out but not now - concert cancelled due to snow and I have a cold coming on, so just going to chill (literally, it's freezing!) here. And you're right - I keep thinking - if I'm good to myself and learn to love myself, this time next year will be different, with or without a man, I will feel so much stronger.
Kate - stupid bugger that your ex is. I wouldn't be too sure that he's seeing OW. He's obviously thinking with another part of his anatomy rather than his head at the moment so not sure if he actually has the guile to concoct a subtle subterfuge!!! Maybe he's doing what they do best - sulking, feeling sorry for himself etc etc. Mind, as you said in a previous post - should you care? You are doing fine, you are detatching, finding out will not change the situation or make him change his ways, so sod him. When I think of my exbf I just repeat the mantra "Twt, twt, tw*t" very calmly. It's actually working. And when I think about him and his lovely little ways and all the lovely things he said, I just remember his stupid kindly face popping out from the dating site with the words "I'm doing ok now but I haven't had a companion in 5 years". Then I feel pure rage and think "No more little miss nice in 2011!"
Oh and it feels quite empowering. As you said "grace, dignity and a sprinkling of eff you!" I love that so much...:)

And hi deluded welcome to this lovely place. He sounds like a bloody corker. I had those words from my exh too, things like "Everything you do gets on my effing nerves" etc etc. Are you still living in the same house? It will get SO much easier when he has gone. Is he moving out? What's your story?
Keep posting on here - it's a very friendly place full of wise kind and funny girls who have helped me no end. Love to you - chin up and tits out as we say :)

Ah Toy Story 2,just for a minute i thought woody and jessie were on the plane to Japan

Thanks for the books GGM will read after VW ,ur XH is a geordie version of mine ,and ur right about peace in ur home ,better for my kids to come from a broken home than to live in one !

Good quote there Patience. Actually, I never think of my home as being broken. It's a bloody work in progress as far as peace is concerned but it's a place where we all know we love each other. And now that I've stopped the eternal quest for a man to break my heart, mum's going to be at peace too!
Haha! Yeah, my exh. Funny, cos he never took any drugs but still managed to lie on the settee swearing at the football for about 7 hours on a Sunday...
And do you know, my exbf actually made exh look good, I was thinking th other day. And bloody hell, any man who makes my exh look good MUST be a complete tw*t! :)

Whenever we go to Ikea the 7 yo old always says when we go through the mirror bit "Look mum, there's that mirror that dad broke in your bedroom. That was naughty of dad wasn't it?" That makes me feel so bad and yet so happy that we're not in that situation anymore.

funny that, my dcs talk about ikea table and chairs they used to have that daddy broke ....

I know what you mean re broken home thing it sounds a bit negative and dated ,i guess i just took it to mean stay strong Patience there is no shame in leaving an agressive man and being a single parent ,infact it is the strongest thing you will ever do and a dv /drug/alcoholic free home is a big gift for my kids .

I knew what you meant and you're so right By the way, not out tonight - been cancelled due to snow. Not seen anyone now for 24 hours!

I suppose it works better if you say "better to come from a broken marriage than to still be in one "
yes my marriage was broken and yes so was my home but im getting a divorce and ive moved house so we just have a different home now ,not a broken one .

WE are on about our 5th film here GGM ,had X on the phone again re overnight stays.I just said i no longer trust him and his behaviour has been so erratic that i cant just hand my kids over and that its for the lawyer to decide .He isnt seeing them tomorrow something wrong with his truck.Pity one of his good buddies cant give him a lift or get a bus etc .

Hello everyone,
Googoo I loved the hours it is a great film. I also liked the God of s. t and I'm a fan of Toni m as well. Funnily enough my x picked up a Dorothy Komsoon novel for me in September when I was laid up with a sore back. Its called The Ice cream girls and it was a real page turner. A novel about a really manipulative evil teacher who seduced v young girls and totally screwed them up! Anyway I got another one by the same author from the library and it was even better, this time the female protagonist, beautiful, intelligent, kind copes with all kinds of heartaches and it is really heartwrenching. i can't remember the title and am too lazy to look for the book but it is a damn good read but probably not so optimistic. I think she portrays women in a v empathetic/realistic light actually.
I'm knackered, can't sleep. Mil still here, she has cleaned my house and helped loads and you know for the first time today I actually felt relaxed and was having a cuppa with her. It went downhill: The gist-
mil: ds1 spends a lot of time on the computer/wii and tv doesn't he?(he's getting an x box as well for christmas)
Me: yes normally we time him and after 7pm on week nights all screens go off and we read or play a game but just now with Christmas looming and all the stuff we're going thru, i'm letting it go. (survival) he's still v upset about this and still blames me.
Mil: Yes , they always blame the mother it was the same for me. he knows you will always be there for him but won't have that confidence in his dad.

So far all reasonable til then she said: No matter how cross you are never forget he is their dad and they love him v much and he loves them.
Thats when I got upset/cross and asked her why she was telling me this. i've no intention of coming between them but need to bear in mind his flakiness when it comes to access etc. I can't even remember who said what and although it wasn't too heated she ended up crying at one point so i just calmly said: Ok lets not discuss him we'll just talk about the kids. She told me she always trusted my judgement and her dh is furious with x and won't see him at all. Anyway, I left but had an awful stressed/guilty feeling for the afternoon. So I will now let it go again but I hate all these complexities.
Cloudedv All I can say is how horrible all this is for you with such a tiny baby. Its a hard time of year and at a glance other couples do look picture perfect with their kids at times but things are never as they seem. Although some families live harmoniously and that is fab, you will have other things that are unique to you that other people don't have. Breaking up is shite, hurtful, disappointing, infuriating and lots of xp/hs are cowardly and lily livered and just ran off to reenact their adolescence when kids came along, but we didn't. Just as others say be good to yourself, accept support when it arises, let pain come and go eventually you get to a better place. You will get there.

Patience I ordered Toy Story 2 from HMV today. We've already got 1 & 2 so this will be a stocking pressie.

You have done the right thing Patience. He is not fit to see them and they are so young too - they need a lot of looking after. Good for you re solicitor. You will win on that one if you go to yours too. Well done for being strong.
My home was broken too, even thought it was huge and beautiful blah blah blah. It was like a guilded bloody cage, an empty shell.
Hey, I'm looking forward to our night out you know. It'll be a good time, time to enjoy ourselves, have a laugh, spread our wings.
You were talking about connections the other day. Got two stories for you about that. Just off to have a cuppa then will spill...

It's hard with MIL's Maybee My ILs were like mum and dad to me, and I miss them a lot. He is very close to his mum and has told her that he doesn't love me and hasn't for a long time...and she loves him so much, I know she will have said to him "You have to do what makes you happy"

I really want to tell MIL how his head has been turned by woman at work - and it's only since he met her that he decided that he didn't love me...but, she's going to love and support her son.

and I guess I have to accept that - So, what I'm saying is... it sounds like you are handling a very emotive situation well :)

FIL - actually step dad...is devestated that I am now on the periphery of their lives...first time we saw eachother after the split...we were both crying.

Maybee I think you're amazing having your mil to stay during this very difficult period - I don't know how you're doing it and I think you handled that situation very well.
Kate it must be so hard when you loved your ILs like that. What you're saying about how you want to tell your mil the whole story rings true with me too. I want to tel my exbf's friends that he's back on a website but you're right - ther's no point and we just have to accept the situation. You are so strong Kate and a great asset to this group - I love reading our wise posts you know.
Well girls. I've got a little dilemma for you here. Bit long and very trivial but here goes. I would love some of your advice.
At the same time (over a year ago) that I was chatting to exbf on the guardian dating website, I was also chatting to this other guy. He's 47 I think, works with adults with learning disabilities (so has a job), and has never been married and doesn't have kids. He was into the same kind of music as me and I can't remember why or how it happened but we exchanged email addresses and he sent me some beautiful acoustic tunes by a local guy. Then I went on a couple of dates with exbf and eventually exbf came round for a date and spent the night at mine (the dcs were with their dad). Anyway, I told the other guy, let's call him Davey, that I was out on a date. Exbf and I had a very romantic time, then he went awol and I found out that he's been back on the website (why I didn't end it then I've no idea). So Davey was asking how the date had gone and I said he'd gone a bit flakey and Davey said "Oh just forget him, you don't need flakey" but of course then me and exbf met up again and started seeing each other, so I stopped emailing Davey, even though we were friends because I felt it would be disloyla to exbf, as we had originally become friends through the dating website.
Anyway, the other day I was deleting emails and I came across one from Davey from over a year ago. So I emailed him asking if he could remember me and I got one back saying "Of course!" So I told him about exbf and that he'd written me songs and put them on fb and Davey was incredulous etc etc. Then I asked him if he'd been on any dates and he said a couple but they were disasters and he said it would be nice to actually have a relationship at some point with someone, as he never seemed to get past the dating stage. It was all very humourous. So he's emailed me a few times and sent me funny clpis to cheer me up but I just feel so wary of men on these sites that I haven't done anything about it. So tonight I emailed him to ask him who the acoustic guy was that he'd talked about a year ago because I really liked his music and couldn't remember his name. He's emailed me with some of his songs and then he sent me another email saying if you give me an address I'll send you a CD. Now, I'm tempted to email back and say why don't we just meet for coffee and you can give me the CD? I don't really want to give him my address but we do seem to have some sort of connection and it would be nice to meet him as friends really. I'm a bit confused. Am I making too much of it and should I just meet the guy and tell him I just want to meet as friends? Because I'm determined to get myself sorted without falling into another disastrous relationship. What do you all think?

Googoo I think having similar taste in music is a really good starting point, in fact, I think going to a local gig (if there are any) is a pretty safe date...iykwim. you can check a bloke out, music's loud so you don't have to talk if you don't want to...but if you do - then you will!

A coffee sounds OK to me, don't think of it as getting into another relationship. Just opening the door slighty on other opportunities. He could end up being a good friend, or something more - who knows...but I do think that we should take up the opportunity to meet new people. Why not share our wonderfulness with other people!

Although it's a dating site - everyone benefits from new friendships - and whatever grows from that. Sending good wishes to you :)

Kate, I could have written those words. I got in first with MIL and told her all about her son having his head turned by a young floozy from work. But although she wanted to still be my friend it just wouldn't work. She will always want what is best for her son and although she can't accept OW at the moment, she will have to in time if the relationship lasts. I know she will eventually have to treat her as she treated me and I will be forgotten. That hurts. She did say that she thought things hadn't been right between us for a while. First I knew. She regretted not doing something but then his family have always let him do what he wanted and have spoilt him in many ways. I know what she saw was not a problem with our relationship but a problem with his personality changing since he got a different job. His parents should have told him to sort out his relationship but I see now that they all have communication problems. I know he will have made up all sorts of things about me to try and justify what he has done to me but I am safe in the knowledge that once they meet OW they will see why he ditched me and think that he must have been out of his tiny mind. I do miss his family very much, it is so sad.

Just watched Batman ,just saw Chris O Donnell for the first time ,what else has he been in ,i definately feel a connection ROFL

stillhurtin When he interviewed the OW for her job - she did an awful interview and me and FIL were ribbing him because he still gave her the job - even though she was the worse candidate he's ever seen (his words)

So me and FIL sort of knew he was attracted to her from the off (May this year)

She has no kids, so (if it happens) their realtionship will be quite different from the one I had with them.

I thought that I would have a massive downer tonight - he's gone away for the weekend, all my girls are away...but, you know what? I'm feeling OK - not 100% but not bad..and if you could see my posts from last week, I thought I would die of a broken heart!

My Ex sounds like yours - has been allowed to do whatever he wants without any questioning or critisism from his parents...but I have my 3 girls with me, and I will demonstrate that women are strong and can manage without a man and not to accept anything less than complete WORSHIP from a fella :)

Keep Strong

ps One of the huge positives of my break up is that i will NEVER see my inlaws ever again!
MIL never got my name right in 16yrs
I stole her baby boy .
Well she can have him back now ......

Ah, that's like me and Johnny Depp Patience - we're meant to be together and he sends me subliminal messages every day haha! You are having a film fest aren't you? What do you think about me meeting this bloke for a coffee Patience? Thing is, I really mean it when I say I don't want to be jumping into anything else and Kate, you're right, I was kind of hoping we could be mates... Thanks for the advice. I guess I just think that we have been talking and it would be nice to meet as friends. I have told him I'm never going on a dating site again and giving myself a rest to concentrate on what is important in life - DCs and me. Sharing my wonderfulness? You are such a top positive dumpling!
Still - glad you're on here tonight. I'm sorry that you sound as if you're hurting a lot. And my dad said to me that I didn't need to tell exbf's friends what he had done because they have known him for long enough and know what he's like. That's what your mil will be like. And you're right. She will think he's mad and I don't think you will ever be forgotten. It's really awful when we lose relationships because our primary relationship has gone. But unfortunately that's the way it is sometimes. It doesn't mean that those people forget us though. And in time you will perhaps be able to have a relationship with her.

My MIL was bloody mad. Huge positive of my divorce too. About two years ago I was in Boots and she was there and she spotted me and in front of the whole shop she said, very loudly, "Oh NO!". Which was nice.

GGM i would keep him on the back burner ,useful for testing out if ur "wanker radar"is finely tuned ,have a nothing to lose policy and keep it cool.
This is my plan with my bloke ,at laest you know urs is single.