Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 10

[googoomama]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity
:) :(

Hi Happiestblonde - so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I remember how I felt when my H left me in August. I could only get through the first few weeks by pretending it wasn't happening, as I couldn't eat, breathe or speak otherwise, and I just couldn't stay like that for long at a time.

It did get better, but it might be better not to try and think about that too much. Do you have your support around you? Do you have friends, family? Anyone you can speak to?

This thread is a good place to be because the women on it are smart, and supportive and full of insight and empathy. You might want to start your own thread, too - as it might get more traffic.

Hello Happiest I've seen you on other threads, all seems quite sudden as I remember this post:

"Sat 04-Sep-10 00:45:09

Go with your instinct.

My DP was married but very unhappily. Nothing happened between us aside a few dates to get to know each other - nothing physical - until he left her. Now we are absurdly happy and she has moved on and is happy too. Life is good all round."

I've also seen others talking about you and DP having an amazing sexual relationship, can't work out whether you were joking or not about 5-7 times a day He also worked away twice a week didn't he?

Has he given you any decent reasons yet?

I just started a thread on this (dp needs space).
Yup sex was that regular, now he won't even kiss me. It's hard, I feel like I'm dying and I know that's insane but I was a mess before we met and then life was so perfect, now it's gone

Hope ur cool Tea,bit of a day 4 u in the moving on /letting go dept.
I havent worn my rings for years anyway ,shoved in a box ,i reckon its time for a clear out too ,how ru feeling about it ,i guess i was keeping engagement ring for my dd but might actually pay for xmas.
When i gave up my job i had to change nurseries and dd is fine ,just me that struggled ,previous nursery was better ,but different system they ran and i always wanted both kids to be there till primary school,but its cool and she will now go to school with everyone from her nursery whereas ds didnt .Urs is more of a progression though rather than pulling her out of nursery ,im sure she will be fine ,we dont do uniform til primary school here ,although last nursery they had little jumpers ,they are so cute ,best of luck with everything .
Serious set back this week when i couldnt find make up i usually buy ,whats a girl to do ?Bought bit of a luxury foundation today instead and will see what happens,i dont wear a lot of make up, but i hate looking like im not wearing a lot of make up LOL!Maybe i need to wear more ,maybe thats where i am going wrong do you all wear powder ,not done that in years,the look i am going for is "flawless "ROFL coverage but not cakey ,all opinions welcome!!!!!

How do you all cope? I can't think, eat, stop crying.. Every other thought is about him and a new stab through my heart. Please give me advice

This is the really shite bit ur going thru HB .
Its grief ,you are grieving what you had and are in shock .For now just look after urself ,treat urself surround urself with good friends ,dvds and try and eat if u can ,you are still v raw ,so take care x

in answer to how we cope ,we just do ,there is no choice ,if there was we would probably just stay in bed with a lot of chocolate ,but life goes on ,we just have to keep moving forwards and let out the pain when it hits us whatever way we can crying,exercise ,punching the couch ,listening/dancing to music and crying some more .Get out of the house everyday and keep as busy as you can ,you can do this and you will come out stronger .

Hello everyone.

Sov you have had an awful time of it its hard to know what to say really. Maybe its time to cut contact for the foreseeable future in the hope that he sorts himself out if he is going to sink there isnt much you can do. Are you still having him on the 25th ?

Tea thats sad about the rings , that would be hugely significant for me. Funnily enough I have his ring too and have thought about selling that as he will never ask where it is. These new steps with your dc are always bitter sweet, its funny I've noticed I am there being highly sentimental and they are oblivious

googoo and maybees I guess you are about to get 2 weeks off ? Hope you can really recharge and continue down the path of recovery at the speed you have ! Kate love the sprinkles too !

Patience so glad you have suddenly upped the ante on moving on - just in time for passing the first anniversary with serenity . Lots of great advice for everyone as ever.

Feeling good again after a few up and down days this last week about moving, got my perspective back thank goodness.

Need some advice though. Just been for a long walk with ds (14yo) and he is chatting away about his Dad,ow and ows son in a general way. This has now become a very regular occurence just in small things eg "Dad was winding ow up about the way you pronounce xyz" . On one hand its great that he feels sufficiently comfortable and perceives me to be happy about everything so he can speak freely but on the other hand I dont want to hear it . I am a victim of my own success in this and ds is very sensitive so if I say listen do you mind not mentioning the minutae of xhs life quite so much he would be worried and then be back to censoring what he says which I dont want either. Actually I suppose its been these kind of baptisms by fire that have helped me move on quicker so I suppose just stick with it ?

Anyway have been poorly last couple of days and feeling better now, its served as a reminder that where I am at now is ok and thank goodness for good health. Also this morning dd was talking about watching War of the Worlds at school today. I was reminded that I used to have the album [old emoticon]and how much I loved it and played it constantly at about dds age. Went off in search and found it and was showing her [humour old mum emoticon] and triggered in me how much life I lived before xh and how much more I [touch wood emoticon]have ahead of me. He was just a 17 year blip . My Mum keeps urging me to "get back to how you were" and looking at that LP this morning I realised properly what she meant.

Waves to everyone. Warrior Queen have you left us for good ? Citydoll are you feeling on an even keel ? Hope all those who kind of popped in and shot off are ok ...?

Sorry xpost happiest.

I remember seeing you elsewhere too it sounds like this has come as a huge shock all you can do is others have said and get as much support as you can and let your feelings out. How long were you together has he said why he wants to split ? Can you link your thread for us ?

Patience sell it now as I understand it gold is at an all time high! Sounds like you will need to now you are getting a taste for luxe branded make up

I'm OK actually about it all. Because I'd only been married 6 years tomorrow and he had lied for most of the marriage about a secret porn addiction, spent money we couldn't afford and lied about all sorts of things etc. It was all too painful. Weird though it was going into a pawn brokers and you do not get as much for them as you'd like alas, I'm glad to have made some money from the painful memories iyswim?

Make up wise I use bronzing beads and a big brush which makes me look like I have a bit of colour but is dead subtle so people do not realise I am wearing anything. And tiny bit of mascara. That's me make up wise. Lips I use vaseline most of the time, not lipstick I found foundations look too artificial on me and make me look horrid.

Getting that must be hard. I think it would be better if he's that sensitive to say nothing but learn to somehow switch off and just make hmmming sounds so he thinks you're listening?

No offence Tea but how tf do I do that!! Anyway I've decided that all good things come to those that wait and maybe it will mean in the future I get info on rows and upsets . Bitter ? Twisted? Moi?

Sounds like ur doin great Getting,i think you listen but have some inward dumpling voice going on at the same time,that would be my plan,also shows that you are coping so well [like you say]and fabulous you can communicate like this .
If X and his bit are serious i will have to get used to this at some point and dd will be thrilled to have someone more her age to talk to .

Evening all! Well, I wore my new red shoes today at school. People were suitably impressed (although I think they make my feet look a bit fat if that's possible!). Told them they were my break up shoes and that they were making me happy. All the smug marrieds looked very vacant and confused - haha!
Going into this solitary weekend with chin up tits out as usual. Having friend round for takeaway tonight, then texted another friends about going ice skating in centre of Newcastle tomorrow THEN going to help out at my mum's choral society concert tomorrow night (dad and I will be selling the raffle tickets) then that's followed by a supper. So keeping myself busy.
Oh and waiting for my self help books to arrive...Must admit that I missed exbf yesterday, although it was weird because I missed who I'd thought he was, knowing all the time I was missing someone who doesn't exist. And I still haven't replied to his text, as I know words are cheap to him and he couldn't actually give a shit about me.
Getting I went through same thing regarding exh's gf but I'm now used to it. I remember the first time my youngest (who was about 2 at the time) said "I love **" (the gf) it was like a knife to the heart. And then about a month ago, 7 yo DS was trying to tell me why she was different to my (now) exbf and he said "She's like a second mum to me mum". Oooooohhhhh....that was a bit hard. HOWEVER, I look upon it that I'm glad he is with someone who loves my kids, treats them well, does nice things for them and makes them feel secure. It's all about them afterall, they're the priority and I've learnt to swallow my feelings. I find it hard that she does art and craft things with them, when I'm often too bloody knackered doing everything myself to do the real quality things with them but...such is life. I think it's probably easier for me because she wasn't the OW (they got together 4 months after we split, although she made it pretty clear that she liked him before we parted - she went on holiday the summer before and brought him back a huge novely pencil in pink with "I love Ibitha" written on lol - bless, she was only 19 at the time - oh and he was 35...)
ANYWAY - although you are sceptical about Tea's advice, that's exactly what I did - just made soothing noises, said "That's nice" then changed the subject. After they'd been seeing each oher for about a year, my exh gave my eldest (who was 5 I think at the time) his old mobile phone to pretend with. Stupid bugger, he's left the messages on it because I checked in order to delete anything inappropriate before the little one got his hands on it. Well, that was an insight. Quite a few eye watering ones and I quote "I can't wait to bounce up and down on you tonight darlin'" and then they'd obviously sort of split up at one point, cue "I'm sittin in a boat on the duckpond with [insert chav name] just wishin you were here. I won't phone unless you say I'm allowed" and THEN "Please let's just have a nice time with the kids this weekend instead of you losin your temper. Please". And I felt really sorry for her. Because she's a good person and she really loves him and he was treating her in exactly the same way as he'd treated me (apart from the bouncing you understand. There hadn't been any of that for a long time!). And she's so young and in love she's taking it all. And he still is. Leopards don't change their spots, they just find someone else who will put up with their shit behaviour. He told me the other night that he's told her "I've married all the people I'm going to marry and I've had all the kids I'm going to have so don't expect any of that from me. And when I've got the kids you can be there if you like but I don't care. And I had to tell her to go out more cos she gets on my nerves to be honest." Charming eh?

And Patience I'm fantasising about you, me and Maybee's Fabulosity Revolution in Glasgow outing. Here's the first item on the risk assessment:
RISK: Googoo getting pissed
POSSIBLE OUTCOME: Googoo repeats "I'm scared! I'm scared!" then has to have her hair held back before puking; Googoo cries in toilets about every man she's ever been out with and Maybee and Patience lose the will to live and get a taxi home without her; Googoo asks for "Back in Black" by Black Sabbath and moshes and headbangs on dancefloor, scaring the sparkly girls and removing all men from the vicinity
ACTION REQUIRED TO PREVENT PROBLEMS: Googoo to drink G+T all night, interspersed with diet coke. Under no circumstances allow Googoo to order a white wine spritzer and limit cocktail intake to one at the start of the evening. Make sure Googoo has eaten her tea before she goes out.

Patience rofl talk to someone near her own age

googoo blimey your xh sounds like a real prize lol at the phone messages. I think thats what depresses me a bit xh has changed his ways , well certainly his drinking ways, but wouldnt do it for me and the kids. I often think though show him to me in a couple of years and see if he is still a normal drinker then. I know what you mean that its good the kids are treated well by her and her family. The truth is I probably feel a bit jealous sometimes because it all sounds so wonderful and I think how is it he treated me sooo badly for sooo long and then leaves and 5 minutes later is ensconced in a happy relationship. Thats life I guess. I dont have my kids either this weekend but yours sounds more fun

Actually I think thats the only recurring problem with being apart from xh that I experience. Jealousy. I dont want to be with him any more at all but I feel upset that he has someone else and is happy with them. If he was lonely and drunk most of the time that would be great.

I know this makes me a small person and what he is or isnt doing shouldnt matter but it does. In fact more ridiculous still is that I dont even want to be in a relationship . Its going to be one of those evenings I think

Oh getting - my weekend isn't going to be fun really - I'm just trying to be brave. I hate going to bed on my own. I loved going to exbf's village on a Friday, meeting in the little pub, having a real laugh with all the people from the village, then going back and getting snuggled with exbf. It doesn't make you a small person love - it makes you human. I often rage internally that my exh is a completely horrible man, yet once again he is with someone and has a lasting relationship, whilst I bumble on lonely and dumped (again). And I rage internally at some of the married women at my work, who aren't very nice people but have men who love them. I know that I have a lot of faults but I'm a good person with a soft heart and all I ever wanted was to be happily married. And I can't even manage that. Just time to work on me I guess. And I know that exbf will be with someone else soon but that won't last and he'll dazzle her with love and fancy words like he did with me but when reality bites he'll give up. So I know I'm better off alone than with someone who doesn't really love me or my kids. It's just hard to go to bed and wake up alone. But that's what I'm going to have to do if I eventually want to find someone who's special enough to take my life on. That's my new perspective. It's going to take someone special. :)

Ok X just phoned saying kids would be coming to stay overnight with him soonWhat a twat ,my son is v excited ,i wasnt going to text X but just did because i want to make it clear to him that this wont just happen.How on earth can i let an alcoholic who has never been sober any day of my dcs lives just take my kids overnight ,with or without OW we are talking v unstable ,aargh i need to trust him re this ,all very well saying just let them go he is their dad but he has addiction problems and im not happy with overnight ,i told him to seek legal advice ,just trying to stay nice about it .I need to be assertive but stay out of the drama triangle ,will see what happens ,i doubt he will text me back .I think his opt out is all passive aggressive ,was also like this when we lived together .He wasnt all rage just silent drinker toker til i couldnt take anymore ,then i got cross and he got violent cos i spoiled his stone.
How the hell can i hand my kids over to that ffs !
GGM same type of leopard if you ask me ,i think the only way i cope is knowing it is all screaming dysfunction ,but i cant hand my kids over if i think they are at risk ....END OF !

ps Pink Pencil wtf?

Thanks googoo , one major setback in my romantic future is I HATE sharing a bed so going and waking p alone is just how I like it !

Patience its only the Christmas effect I doubt you will hear him make that request after New Year

Getting I'd feel the same in your situation.

Patience I'd seek legal advice too I wouldn't want to hand my DCs over either if my H was like that.

He has never mentioned it b4 Getting ,this has totally thrown me tbh ,but all part of the behaviour .Obviously he isnt going to discuss this with me first he just says to ds in a phonecall.Also said he was taking them to gps this Sun for presents.This means no in laws xmas dinner,cousins etc never been mentioned actual xmas arrangements or money for gifts.I couldnt care less about ILs but dont want my kids caught in the crossfire here .Just when you think things have settled down ,he does this to me .
TBH my first reaction was its never going to happen ,then my second was "oh fuck what if it does "He just sees it all as a fight now with me always being the bitch ,if it was me myself then fine i can handle it but dcs are 4 and 5yo.
And breathe in ....breathe out ,will see SOL b4 this ever happens and detatch x

Hi everyone,
i'm knackered tonight so this will be a shorty. Yes i can't wait to finish for the hols. Not sure how we will do Christmas. X will be here on 25 not sure for how long then i will go to Ireland a few days later to stay with my folks and tell my mum and look for a rented house there. My plan is now to move over in Feb/March I won't have a job but will supply teach. Got lots of details to sort here first though.
all my kids went to bed happily and slept well last night, I got out for a hot choc with a pal for an hour after work with my friend who split with her x a year ago. It was a laugh actually but then when I went to bed I just got v angry. i almost came down to post my rant on here. I was angry because my x's mum is here and I can't bring myself to talk to my mum. I work really fucking hard at work and when I slip up at all I get pulled up. I don't bring my problems to work I smile when I feel like bawling and they think I lead a charmed life. I'm angry that twice I have made a cosy sanctuary for us all and twice he has casually torn it to shreds. I will be left to deal with all the practical crap cos noone else will. Our life was not dull I organised loads of days out houseswaps and family adventures from when kids were tiny and he obviously appreciated none of the stuff I cherished. Anyway these thoughts raged and furied in my head all night so I was a wreck today, I had to get out of work to take the baby to the doc and park up this big icy hill then wait for ages for a prescription then return to work and act brave again. Anyway I'm glad it is Fri. Right now my ds is telling me that he wishes he had a good family.
Tomorrow a new day will dawn and I will get a tree up.
Patience I had all that pressure over ds goin for sleepovers with x when he was 1-3 yrs old. My x is a high functioning stoner but was v careless with his gear and threw flakeys fairly regularly so I refused. he would scream, yell, stamp his foot and make my life hell but my instinct always said no or if I started to trust him I would find something to warn me off. I don't know how I'll deal with all that again this time. You are right but it is so stressful good luck.

It all fits doesnt it ,i bet he doesnt even mention xmas to me .
Do you think he will just pick them up boxing day as its a sunday ,quick phonecall xmas day to tell us he is on his own.
I wonder ........
Thing is its all lies and bullshit so he can get pissed ......
But i cant prove any of it ......you understand the greatest gift i got in 2010 was learning how to detatch .
As Startin' says they want to drag you down to their level ,he would love it if i kicked off,then he could stand back and say "Told you,see what i had to put up with!"

Ex rang tonight - The car has been written off, he got hit by a sliding van in the ice...car trashed - the air bag inflated so he's fine.

He was shaken up, and I was concerned about him. He was off out - so would only have been talking the car if he was staying over somewhere

But, now I feel concerned in a slighty mild sort of way. No urge to run over and see how he is...or to ring over the weekend to see what the insurance say, or how he's going to manage.

suprised myself..had to flick my elastic band a bit but it's bloody working.

Told the girls as he rang while we were all sat round for tea...and 18 yr old says "Oh, I didn't realise Karma was paying a visit today"

Kate you have a wise daughter.

Thanks Maybee ,i just think dcs are top priority and my instincts are screaming NO WAY atm.I know i will be seen as bonkers ex wife but i dont care ,he hasnt made much of an effort so far .
Keep flicking that band Kt !!!