Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 10

[googoomama]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity
:) :(

Sov, I really feel for you it must be so hard with 4 young DC. I wish I could offer you a solution but I cant think of anything. You said your Dad is going to look after them tomorrow, can he not help out a bit more. Can you ask your Mum to help in anyway.

Just remember tomorrow is a new day and hopefully will be a better one for you and me too. I think you are being so strong not answering X calls.

I have been having a bad week, DH came round again yesterday, only saw him for 5 mins as I got a call out, which really frustrated me as I always love to see him, now in the the hope that I will eventually see him for what he really is! I suppose I hope that is what will happen. I am thinking of sending his christmas card to the OW's house, is that a bad idea?

Had to go and see Occ Health at work yesterday and the nurse thinks the ADs are not right for me as when she did the depression and anxiety scale I was still really high and she said that I shouldnt be that high when I have been on them for 3 months, so I will have a chat with GP on monday when Im due to go back.

Tea - nicely summed up! My dd is fine - but she has been up more in the night so she might be picking up something - then again she's got the same cough we all have.

I'm just off out. Xh here now and has been screaming (literally) at me to get over it. He says that to be kind 'would be such a patronising middle class concept' and that I should be more sensitive as he didn't sleep last night (he got shitfaced and then locked out of where he was staying so walked around until daylight). He's also got a cold which he seems to have had for 7 years.

Feeling a bit low - sorry I feel awful unburdening when there are so many other people on here with much worse fuckwits than mine. He is turning up to take DD to the childminder and is babysitting when I want him (which is why he's here now) - but he's just being so unpleasant as soon as I say anything about feelings. He started ranting tonight because we were arranging who does what at the weekend and he mentioned he was going out with OW on Saturday and I said I really didn't want to know - enough to make him go nuts apparantly. He's zipped our marriage up in a box and so should I (he and his mum are pretty much on the aspergers scale so empathy is a problem - as are angry meltdowns).

Anyway - thank you to everyone who has said nice things - especially as everyone seems to be lumbered with idiots. What did we all see in them? Am off to put some slap on and do another evening of pretending to be Christmassy!

'would be such a patronising middle class concept'
does he always talk like this md&m ,that would do my head in tbh if i was married to it ,
or crack me up if it was an X

Sov hang in there ,we have looked after them for so long it is a habit when they are unstable ,
All i know is the longer i detatch the calmer my world is .You will get thru it Sov .I think Startins point re they want to destroy us to ,is v important to remember .I think our marriage would have worked if we had been Wayne and Waynetta Slob.I am far too classy for that ,i could never do that to my kids ,why should we all suffer because daddy likes to drink and smoke ,all our fun money went on fags and booze .Anyway everyday you give your kids peace from fighting disrespect drug abuse and drinking ,infact any dysfunction then that is a good day ,it might not feel like it now but they cant get their childhoods back and we have to stay strong with what is acceptable and unacceptable ,did you get the co dependent book ,i will post it to you if you like ,the melody beattie book.I think it will help re ur mum too.You stand up for urself and she threatens to leave too ffs thats all you need ,just stick to ur guns ,she will see the new you ,just stay consistent and keep urself No 1 .x

Sov - you poor soul. I really feel for you. You've REALLY been through the mill these past two weeks with your ex's extremes of behaviour - first coming back to play happy families, then doing such melodramatic things all for manipulation and revenge. I think Kate and Patience's posts are excellent. Kate is right when she says you can't control other people's actions and feelings towards you (my very wise Brighton friend always says that) but you can have some control over how you feel, react and deal with situations. Just don't be too hard on yourself. You are going through so many extreme emotions right now and it's still early days for you - on top of everything else grieving for your marriage. But take heart. It will pass, things will settle and you won't be on your own for ever. That's what I tell myself anyway, especially when I feel like I will be!
Makedo - you are a VERY strong lady. Can't believe how well you are doing. I remember reading your original thread and being absolutely gobsmacked at what your MIL said! Sounds like my exbf - he was a bit aspergers and said and did the most unbelievably socially inept things e.g. he bought me an anniversary present and then showed me the same present - he's also bought it for his ex girlfriend's 50th. Then we went to her party and he said to everyone (our friends) "OH, I got a job lot of these - bought the same for Goo for our anniversary!"
He also said to me "I'm very fussy when it comes to women. You should take that as a compliment you know". And don't ever apologise for sounding off on here or feeling low - that's what this thread is for!
Hi Romney lovely HG (hon. Geordie). I'm so sorry you are feeling low still. And I know what you mean - if exbf came round I would still like to see him. I promise that eventually you will see your ex and feel nothing. Promise. I do with my exh. You sound like such a big hearted woman. And I really wouldn't send him a Christmas card. Try and detatch a bit. My ex texted on Tuesday and I didn't reply - I've NEVER done that to a man before and whenever I feel a bit sorry for him I just go through a mental list of everything he's done to me and it stops me. Perhaps you could do this?
Dreading this weekend. No kids and missing him and his village. It's so jolly at this time of year. But I'll survive. :)

Sov Really sorry that your X is being such a?@+>?@~~ Its tragic but you are not responsible for him. Hes responsible for his own behaviour. And its so sad but big cannabis intake can lead to psychotic episodes and even mental illness. So no wonder hes not being rational.

Patience words of detach, detach are so important. And also if contact wirh them is hurting stop it or reduce to email and letter.

Make do -your H is hurting you all the time. How are you to heal? You need to tell him that you want only to discuss the practicalitiees of arrangements for your child - and putting a regular schedule in place. If he is in true crisis he can only feel his own pain -he is so overwhelmed that yours is nothing. You are associated with the old world he cant cope with -potential OW is associated with the shiny new future of hope. Ive seen Americans refer to them as Twinkletwat :)

AGain if he is in crisis he may not have told you the whole truth. COuld he have strayed before? If so I would have an STD check. Also you need to be careful of the financial situation - some men in crisis start to spend unbelievably - often on OW so be aware of that and talk to a solicitor about a financial agreement if you need it.

Rom great to be keeping a good eye on your ADs. Are you having any counselling support? WOuld recommend if you can.

One horrible thing Im remembering from my counselling is that you have to process everything that has happened to you - so you do go over things again and again - and it hurts like hell. But eeventually you start to accept, cope better and it is all less painful.

Agree so much Kate its how you chhose to react - you can only control yourself and your own behaviour

Firepile - I so empathise. Ive had my 2 nights out in the last 10 days cancelled due to no fault of mine and it was very ddepressing and sad.

Starting, Googoo, Tea and Patience - great stuff! :0

Well albums have arrived (Xmas pressie to me) and just about to be put on :) Love the new flashing lights we got for the Christmas tree. SO a happy night in.

Sorry X post with Googoo - I found weekends without kids awful at first - so painful. Its the loss after the loss of him. And the time of year as well - poor soul. Could you stay at a friends/relatives and get some TLC?

Mumfun thank you for your post. I found the bit where you say "if he is in true crisis then he can only feel his own pain - he is so overwhelmed that yours is nothing" very thought provoking for me. It could explain a little bit of my XP's hateful behaviour. I am gradually coming to realise that even though I feel like the one that has a mental problem (only now and because of his actions), the problem all along is him and what he is going through. I found your post very useful and it will make me think about this aspect further. x

i will be here Saturday nite GGM ,same time same place
how did the shoes go 2day ,
waves to mumfun x

Sorry to butt in but BE is just such a selfish tw*.

Hello everyone,
sov you will keep your sanity and you will get the happy stressful life you dream of in the future. You've been through such a cocktail of things with your x in a short space of time. That would dement anyone. Hang in there, it must be tough with your wee ones but you will cope and can create a world of magic for your kids without the influence of your dysfunctional x when you feel a bit better. Your x is an adult and is messing your head while knowing that you have to look after the kids by yourself. See now when I smell a toke at a party i feel sick and get pins and needles in my feet. I want my kids to have honesty and truth in their lives and I will take that path alone now. Anyone who isn't on the same journey as you needs to disembark and sort out their own shit. Could you not pay a babysitter for a bit and just get away for an hour or two during the day? Sometimes clothes shopping is hateful when you feel down, probably why i buy so many boots and bright lipsticks and glittery eye pencils!
Makedo post away about your x, your comment on the degrees of fuckwitdom made me laugh out loud. Hard to measure really. I just think of us all hunched over computers at night punching away furiously at the same time! It is so cathartic.
I got told off at work today. Some bullshit about not doing my photocopies in advance of lesson! Actually an auxiliary had said she'd do them for me but I wasn't going to squeal on her. It just seemed a bit petty. People get wound up over such trivia and i will be late tomorrow as i need to take the baby to a doc in the morning.

Anyway, I'll be off now. Take care everyone.

I know Happy and he is also a bald fecker ,but you are fabulous with a piano in your house ,you win on points everytime !!!!

Or ru thinking of going for the straight knock out in round one this evening ?
Either way i dont blame you !

We are strong - but it's no wonder we feel so low sometimes...Us mums have to deal with the split and all that goes with it, grief pain - even relief - while dealing with the dc as well, I know my little one is really suffering and is only expressing it in anger and rages.

We don't get to wallow on our own or with the OW or get to put ourselves first..because we never would, we know our dc come first. We don't get the luxury of being selfish "needing space" and having time to heal.

But going through all of this while keeping the kids happy - makes us STRONGER and we must never forget that - as well as good role models for our girls and boys.

You know that I had a couple of down days at the begining of the week. Ringing him, crying, asking Why? and wondering why my life had come to this.

Tonight, had to go and see him to drop something off for the girls...I looked fabulous, red lippy, trench coat and cute hat....he was making excuses to come to the door...he did the whole "...and how are you?" head on one side..I told him I was doing really well, thankyou. "...a bit better than the other night?" he says..."MUCH BETTER"and off I trot into the night, leaving him to cope with the girls fighting over who gets to hold Pikachu!

Handled with...
Grace, Dignity and sprinkle of Fuck You

Happy - I loved that butt in! My exh AND exbf are BOTH selfish twts! So snap!!!! And Happy, Patience is right - he's bald and you've got a piano. Nuff bloody said mate... :)
Maybee - invited some friends round tomorrow night for a takeaway - I have to start learning to like where I am instead of "escpaing" to a man who treats me like shit. And I know all bout getting told off at work - our head is a maniac. She's written me enough letters to sink a ship. One was about "provocative parking". And I wasn't even spreadeagles on the car in a bikini! Schools can be tough places for us teachers - mainly due to management treating us like kids. Most heads are power crazed bitches you know. Stay strong.
Patience - just ordered the Melody Beattie book and Paul McKenna one and bloody It's Called a Break Up because it's Broken one from amazon. This is the start of the Googoo revolution. Might buy a Che Guevara T shirt while I'm on! Didn't wear lovely shoes today as it's snowing again but DID wear leggings, nice boots and jumper dress with full make up. Felt good ladies, felt damn fine! Was basking in my positive vibes man. Probably will be here on Saturday with tunes! Felt flat tonight and missed exbf but just kept repeating twt mantra and thinking of his smug mug on dating website and that's kept the anger levels up. Self worth, self worth - DETATCH!!!! Woo hoo!
Ladies, we are all bloody fabulous you know. I'm honoured to know you all.

typos over excitement again

Loving those sprinkles Kate! Going to remember that one. Not that any man is going to get near my grace and dignity for some time. I'm thinking 2015. Go girl! Bet you looked a bobby dazzler. Shame his OW has dumped him eh? Ooops...

googoomama If she has dumped him...or is it a ruse so he can follow the script and say they were only together long after we had parted. But....who cares!

I'm pinching my wrist, whenever I start thinking of him or obsessing about our relationship...I am starting to look at it and realise that he isn't the perfect man and adonis that my brain is telling me...so quick pinch and I start thinking about something else. Recomended you do it with an elastic band - but I'm a wuss! :)

but...and I can't quite believe I'm saying it...it works!

My eldest daughter (not his) came home from uni today - very refreshing to hear some teen advice after all the talk of forgiveness and grief "MUM! He was a dog...you can do so much better than him..do you need me to fix you up with a mature student I know?" :)

We will get through this - we have to remember that.

Loving the fabulosity Kate and loving ur dd1 s pep talk ,just like LC you have raised a good girl with plenty of sense .
Need to find out if this bloke i see now and again is single .I feel a connection .like our paths were meant to cross but i'm not sure why atm just instinctive anyway i'm acting cool i think i need to find out if he is single but xmas is a good time for that dontcha think ,like did you have a good xmas ?Plenty of chances to ask lots of questions you wouldnt normally.

Kate well done you did excellent and I bet you looked a knockout. I have a DD who has just finished uni and she comes out with some wonderful pearls of wisdom! Oh and I might try the elastic band, think that sounds great advice.

Googoo I am so honored to be a HG, you are sounding wonderfully strong. You have done so well since you came onto this thread, well done. Hope I make the progress a lot of you have all made. I know I will get there! It's just going to take me longer than some.

Thanks ladies for the support.

Urban I love when you get that connection with someone - and it's nice to feel in control of how you feel as well iykwim?

I think when you've given your heart to someone and they trashed it - you feel more aware of what you do with your heart next time. We should cherish them!

Asking about Xmas sounds like a plan - but sometimes when you have a connection...it starts as small talk - but the conversation flows. Hope he's single :)

romneymarsh It's really strange - but the elastic band thing really works...I have read it in a few places..about how to stop the obsessive thinking. I suffer so much from that!

My wrist is bright red but it makes you jump, get a grip and think about something else (usually how sore your bloody wrist is!)

Thanks Kate ,
Had to post and tell you all that i heard Paolo Nutini on the radio this morning ,Last Request ,and i didnt cry once ,when it came to the lay down beside me bit i was thinking about other bloke not X.
Just in time for xmas,some long awaited freedom from my X.
What i take courage from is what a complete knobhead my X turned out to be when he left me ,my life is sure to get more positive without that weight around my neck.I have a good life now ,cant complain about anything.I have had a week of sorting out all my paperwork ,changing addresses and nearly organised filling in my driving license ,new photo,name and address,never did get round to changing my name when i got married ,but will be posted by the weekend ,feels good to have some control.
Starting to find my new normal again after everything that has happened ,i would never have believed it Getting but the whole new house thing is definately a step forward and empowering for me.
Its reclaiming what was once mine but i had lost sight of .
I think it would be nice to right down some things we hope for in 2011 and things we hope to do .Think we should wait til New Year to post them ,but good to contemplate the possibilities that lie ahead .

ps Has everyone seen the muppet xmas carol btw ?

Well ladies for the first time in my life I went into a Pawnbrokers today and sold my engagement ring and wedding ring. I don't want to wear them and as it hurts to see them and what they represented to me and rather than let them go dusty in a drawer I decided to take the cash and run. Very bizarre going in a pawnbrokers but glad to pay the cash into my bank account.

Second job if the day was to ring CSA. My H is so erratic in giving me any money I decided that I'd rather do it through them where possible from now on.

So strange day all round so far.

DD's last day of Pre-school today for good and then she begins nursery in January. I feel so weepy about it all. She's loved it there and the staff are so amazing with her and she's blossomed there since she began just 2 days a week last January before going full time at age 3. She goes in wearing her princess dress and tiara dressing up gear and has such a fab time, she takes her wand with her and her soft doggy comforter and with nursery it's full uniform, no toys or comforters etc. I do worry how she'll find it all, as it's so different. She'll probably be fine of course but I still feel a little wibbly about it all. I don't need any comforting words really just talking. typing. Need to pick her up in moment. Will be back later to see what I've missed.

The man I thought I'd marry, my best friend, wants 'space', won't come anywhere near me. I am so sad, I feel like I've been hit by a car and don't know how to even contemplate getting over this. Please talk to me :(

The man I thought I'd marry, my best friend, wants 'space', won't come anywhere near me. I am so sad, I feel like I've been hit by a car and don't know how to even contemplate getting over this. Please talk to me :(