Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 10

[googoomama]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity
:) :(

Sov your stance is admirable and completely the right thing to do - you have reached your tipping point. We all have one. Mine just takes ages to reach, partly because I'm completely soft hearted and honest and think everyone else is too and partly because I haven't had much self worth over the years. Good on you. We are all here for you when you need us. I admire your strength.
Hi Maybee - yes, stoners. Great eh? I've actually come full circle on the sex front. Had two years of some very good sex and it's been an adventure for a girl who started very late on that front and was very niave, then married someone she fancied at school. But it's not been worth the heartache. At least I've finally realised patterns of behaviour in myself and that I fall for the wrong men and have never held myself in any sort of esteem. Today was a bit of a breakthrough for me actually. Buying the shoes and the dress - just for me - and to wear to work tomorrow rather than to impress a man, is a big step for me. As my mum said, I should try to look nice veryday just to boost myself, not in order to be a perfect girlfriend. And I haven't replied to exbf's text either. So 2011 is going to be bout regaining or even finding some self worth, learning to enjoy what and who I've got and not thinking about being "rescued" by a man. I should actually thank exbf stoner bard for this lesson. But I'm not going to. As I said, he can shag a guitar from now on

Maybee, there is only one member of his family i talk to now and thats his cousin and i will be very careful from now on what i say although she doesnt see or speak to that side of the family really and i usually trust her with anything i will not be doing so in future
I can't get any proper time away from DC as no-one can handle them lol but my dad is babysitting friday night as it's my birthday and nothing is going to spoil it. i WILL have a good time

I could do with some christmas kisses right about now and big squeezy cuddles, guess i'll get mine off DC in the morning

He's rang 15 times so far and text saying please answer he needs to do some apologising, i just hope he has the sense not to turn up here as i will call the police

Hey Makedo - welcome! Have a G+T from me. You are a strong woman. Hope you are coping ok. You're in very good company here and I'm so glad you've joined us
I'm doing a lot of at the moment. Makes a change I can tell you. And it's mostly because of this thread!

ooh thank you tea, though I may start slurring and being over-friendly after the second sip

Sov - his behaviour BEGGARS BELIEF!
Hold on

googoomama - I'm going to be pissed by the end of this thread with the drinks being handed.
Thank you for the welcome and for pointing me this way. This seems a lovely place to be in the circumstances

"Sometimes I do fancy a really good Christmas snog with a devastatingly handsome man who will pay for all my g&ts and then go away. I'm not ready for anything else yet though." Me too Maybee Defo do not want anymore.

Sov I wouldn't be surprised if he knocked on your door again later as his heads a mess. Can someone stay on your sofa tonight and answer the door if he knocks again so you can get a good nights sleep without anymore headf*ckery? (Such rude words you're all a bad influence on me but I cannot think of a better one right now)

I'm off to bed as I cannot keep my eyes open, safe in the knowledge that all these fab dumplings on here are with you Sov in spirit x

Welcome Makedo, i too am having a bottle of wine :o i will take a look at your thread tomorrow as i wont take anything in right now but we will all be here for you

Am going shopping tomorrow Goo to look for an outfit for friday night and i can't wait :o

Oh aye, yes please.
I promised Patience that I would put up a risk assessment for our Scottish trip. Must do that tomorrow!
Get that outfit bought lady - make sure it's classy yet clingy pet. That's my motto! You're tops you know...:)
And Makedo - this is a VERY nice place to be. It's transformed me so far...

Good grief millions of posts I cross posted with

I meant to include a with my joke about bad influences.

Ahhh makedo you'll fit right in, I'll read your thread tomorrow too as I'm away and need some shut eye.

Definately going out on friday night, soooooo need it, will dance the night away in a lovely 80's club :o

Dont have anyone that can stay over Tea, but unless he wakes DC i will just ignore it i'm a good sleeper when i'm drained like this, sleep well x

Welcome Makedo,
Wine is going on the top of my shopping list tomorrow. Payday yeeha!
Sov Get yourself some cool gear and enjoy Friday night.

Sov i just think its dysfuction and immaturity,he hasnt grown up and he is using the final thing he can for you to become the rescuer again , you had a co dependent relationship for so long and you were the enabler that allowed him to lead such a life {me too btw just explaining it as i see it not judging you }When we jump out of the triangle they try and fill the roles with others ,but the will never have the relationship we had with them ,then desperation kicks in ,they have fucked up big time ,even their closest friends distance themselves ,then the guilt kicks in ,prob worse at this time of year ,but none of this is your fault ,you have stood firm and created a secure family unit ,became empowered and raising ur boundaries re acceptable behaviour ,its bound to smart innit ,just a bit ,the woman they treated like a doormat because she loved them ,aint takin it anymore.I certainly didnt see all the doormat stuff SOV theyy are good at manipulating us to let them live the life they choose .Well he aint living that life anymore and he's pissed off .Its not that easy eh!You get a bit older ,you dont take any responsibility for yourself or your kids and all of a sudden everyone thinks ur an arsehole.They got away with it as teenagers and they get a bit bored or get a taste of goin out again without us and the kids but they get greedy and lose the lot.Good idea re HV nothing wrong with getting everything noted down ,also will put ur mind at rest talking to HV and SOL .You are doing great ,you have the choice to jump off this merry go round [ur kids dont btw the responsibility is urs]and i think tonite you have .He has to step up to the plate now re dcs and offer them secure and regular visits ,its up to him.That is why i am sticking to my guns re car seats this time ,like i said b4 its been a year ,get organised you twat and make an effort for ur kids !!!!

whats ur story make do

the thing i dont get is he doesnt love me, or want me and hates my guts and wishes we'd never met (by his own admission) so why the hell does he do all this? why not just carry on seeing DC and crack on with it?

Will also be asking HV about the councelling im still waiting for, could really do with it right now

PS he still ringing and texting although it is dying down now so hopefully he has got the message and will leave me alone
I'm quite proud of myself for not caving TBH as normally i would have done but he went too far this time

PPS DS2 being sick again :( best get off for the night

Take care all x

He is just in a very messed up place just now SOV .Just be glad ur not in his head tonite .Look after urself and ur dcs and enjoy ur night out when it comes.

Does anyone own a zhu zhu pet?

Waves to all.........

Manic day so only catching up now as had to spend past few hours cleaning!

Sov, Patience has summed it up v well & the drama triangle stuff is spot on. One important thing to remember is that the only way out of a drama triangle is through the perpetrator role i.e. the person who leaves the triangle & breaks the pattern is always the bad guy (bitch in your case). My xh used to threaten to kill himself too & tbh there were lots of times I actually thought he would do it . The worry is horrific & you are right to take a strong stand on this. You can't stay stable for your dc's in the midst of mind games like that. You are doing great & are doing the right thing by detaching completely from xh atm. They go to a bad place & do everything in their power to bring you with them. The only way to end the drama is to detach completely, sadly they usually then move on to someone else & the drama/dysfunction starts all over again.

Goo, really glad to hear you're taking care of yourself & enjoy your outfit tomorrow

Kate, I almost smiled reading about your x going to a homeless hostel (victim perhaps ). Mine did similiar & slept on couch in work for 7 wks despite being well able to afford a hotel or being able to stay with friends or rent somewhere! He then of course told everyone that I'd thrown him out & he had to sleep on a couch in work .

Patience, got such a great laugh over your battery story . Also really great to hear what ds's teacher said .

Well xh sent someone to house tonight to put xmas cards & money in the letter box for dc's. He wrote how much he missed them, thought of them everyday & was praying for them every night . Eldest dd got upset , ds didn't seem too bothered & youngest dd couldn't have cared less but flung hers on the floor in a strop because the card was not a princess card . He gave them 250 & of course dd said omg he gave soooooooooo much money! I had to smile & say yes how lovely & that we'd either do something nice with it or they'd each pick out something for themselves. This is the same fr that I've had to fight for a paltry maintenance payment & never know when it might arrive . The same fr that is looking to fuck me over financially in the separation . And of course he couldn't have just given me the 250 to go towards xmas expenses no he had to be the big fg shot as usual! F* Grrrrrrrrrrr

Ok, am grand again after ranting that out lol...........

Short version of serenity prayer......Fuck em!

Yes Startin @and then fuck Norm LOL ....no batteries required x

Thankyou for adding to drama triangle expanation ,it sums my life up just now.
All i know is it is his dysfunction not mine and the more pain he sends my way the easier it is to detatch.Holding onto that is what has always kept me going ,if our marriage was meant to be then none of this would be happening ,he would love and respect me and seek help but he chose not to ,he chose to stay the victim,slept rough in his car ,went on binges and now off with a 21yo ,he wasnt going to be with anyone stable was he ?he has to be with someone he can control.I will pick myself up but i always worry how this will affect my kids ,i guess we are lucky it is 2010 and not such a big deal to be divorced ,and i guess the most important thing is creating a stable home and if daddy didnt make the grade so what ....mummy did x

starting It was Maybe who mentioned the hostel...lol, my ex is comfy in the family home, living the single life and waiting for the day when the love of his life decides she does want him after all. Tosser :)

I really do not like zhu zhu pets but they're everywhere. Sainsbo's has a huge display of them. Bet DD when she's older will persuade me to get her one

Sov - How are you today?

Makedoandmend, had a read of your thread this morning that you linked for us. So to summarise, mid life crisis, so he leaves you for a 26 yr old and you with your 2 yr old DD to cope alone, he hasn't started the affair yet but hopes to, as she's told him she likes him Easier than working through things with you and being there for his DD And your MIL is so selfish that rather than worry how you are and her grand daughter she's making comments; "she keeps talking about my exH's need to 'dip his wick with this new girl' when I don't really want to think about it sad And she also moaned that this sort of thing always happened to her at Christmas." Good grief!

Bit early to offer you another glass of wine, but how is your DD now? My DD was very unsettled to begin with and used to come into my bed.

DS1 has asked for a zhu zhu pet for xmas, i dont see the point of them myself

Having a really really shit day, i keep bursting into tears and completely stressed out, didnt get an outfit for tomorrow as i just felt nothing looked good on me only hightlight of the day was DS2 was a shepherd in his school play, he looked sooo cute but even he's been playing me up today and screaming and shouting at me and DS3 keeps doing his version of the exorsist and screaming and shouting
X has rang about 6 times and im sure it will be more before the night is over, i keep ignoring them but am starting to wonder if i should be ignoring phone calls for someone who 24 hours ago threatened to kill himself i just dont know what to do anymore, i dont want this to be my life anymore (meaning i want to be happy and stressfree and have the life i always dreamed about)i feel like they are taking away everything from me, starting with my sanity...oh i need to get away from all this but cant :(
DM just rants and raves and tells me what i should do and if i dont do what she tells me then she will disown me but she doesnt help out in any way, shape or form, im ultimately on my own and i dont want to raise 4DC on my own :( i love my DC but it is so hard especially since im not in a good place atm i am in bad need of a break or some space and i know none is coming

HOW DID MY LIFE END UP LIKE THIS???
i'm so confused

Sorry to hear you are having a shit day. Me too - travelled for an hour to get to my work Christmas lunch to find it was cancelled because of snow. Came home to an empty house because my ds is with his dad tonight.

Have also been in tears asking how my life ended up like this...

It's shit.

Hey Sov

My girls got them for Xmas last year - plus lots of accessories. They played with them at Xmas but not much after that. They are on offer for £8 in Argos I noticed today if you do decide to get one.

You are in such a horrible position, and you must feel under such pressure...all this crap while you are trying to bring up your 4 dc. You sound like you do have strong days..but I know they must seem far away at the moment...but don't forget you are a strong, capable woman...you are just coping with such a lot at the moment.

My girls were ill at the weekend and I ended up just sitting,head in hands sobbing and asking WHY? but there are no answers. You can't reason with unreasonable people and you should not have to deal with your ex's behaviour - we can't control what other people do to us - but we can choose how we react to the situation. And you are doing admirably.

I wish we could come round and give you a hug - tell you it WILL be OK, but please know that we are here, small as it may seem...people are concerned and here to offer support, albeit virtually.

Keep strong x