Chin Up and Tits Out for the Recently Ditched No. 10

[googoomama]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether you are a new dumpling or a vet, feel free to join us in our quest for serenity
:) :(

Oh, sov. He probably won't do it but obviously you are desperately worried. I think it is probably too dramatic to be a real attempt. People who commit suicide usually have it planned and it's not a spur of the moment thing so although they might talk about it as an idea when it comes to actually doing anything they would make sure they would not be interrupted or thwarted. So, it's unlikely they would say, 'right I'm off to do it now'.

Clearly, he's troubled and feeling very negative but hopefully he's ok. But this is still not your problem. You've got enough on your plate. You can still care about him but you are not responsible for him.

LC can he not be sectioned if he is acting like this ?

Keep posting Sov. This has been done to distress you and frighten you and manipulate you and I agree with LC when she says it's too dramatic to be a real attempt. HOWEVER, I completely understand that this must be bloody awful for you - if it was my exh I would also be very distressed.
This is totally and utterly not your fault - how on earth can it be? He is a free human being and has made his own choices. However, by running off like that in such a state, he has made you feel that you are responsible for making sure he is ok. He KNOWS that you are a good person and that as long as he has gone awol you are going to be tearing your hair out with worry. I think that this is another way of punishing and manipulating you tbh. You have done the right thing to tell SIL. Perhaps you could also phone the police and explain - they will look for him. Sov - I am angry about this on your behalf. He is being selfish and putting you through hell. Again. Keep strong, FWIW I think he will be fine. Much love x

Mental health is not really my thing (personal circumstances excepted) but it is actually very difficult to be 'sectioned' so it sounds unlikely from what sov has said.

When I say difficult, I mean the citeria is very specific and stringent. It is a serious step as it deprives a person of their freedom.

Sov - are you ok? Really worried about you and the situation...sending hugs, even though they are of no use.
Tea, Patience, Starting, Getting et al - are you there and have you read the thread? I think you may be better at helping than me (LC you're doing a grand job)

Wondering how you are sov. I'm fighting my own demons at the moment but keeping my head above water. It's do-able. Hope you are able to go to bed tonight and get some peaceful sleep.

As an aside, my mate said to me that she had an abusive x and she used to say to herself that he looked like a piece of chocolate cake but when she took a bite it tasted like shite! Easy mistake to make. Liked that analogy.

Hope you are ok LC - I think you're doing a great job at keeping your head above water when you feel crap. Remember it's early days my love. You are right. It's do-able x

im here, thanks for the support i really appreciate it, spoke to X 10 mins ago and he said to tear the letter up
he says this is all my fault cause i messaged his mate (OW) last week and now none of his friends will talk to him and that he has no-one to talk to, i said he didnt have to see me ever again and there was ways of doing it and he said thats not enough

I texted his sister and told her after this episode he wouldnt see the kids again without a court order so she's threatening to phone social services and have the kids took off me, she says it's clear i can't cope even though she hasnt seen me or them since september

I'm sick of all the drama and the pain, i will contact a solicitor and take all messages and the letter with me and leave it in their hands, i cant cope with anymore

I really didnt want it to come down to this but i feel like i havent been left any choice

Why does he hate me so much when all ive ever done is love him?

Actually Googoo et al I think you've done a grand job. Only just got on here as I've been out for a hair cut tonight whilst Ex babysat and then had to bath the DCs, get them to bed and eat some dinner. I had to take DD with me as H was getting stressed.

Sov - I agree with Googoo I too think that this is another way of punishing and manipulating you tbh and make you feel bad. Selfish, horrid man. I agree with everything that has been said. I hope you're ok, please post when you can and let us all know you're ok. Big ((hugs)). Maybe at the very least supervised contact needs to be arranged for him from now on. He's too unstable and this isn't good for the DCs But perhaps professional contact arrangements, I'd speak to a solicitor about it all.

x posted. There needs to be solid decent evidence to remove kids from you and not hearsay from a relative on his side. Try not to worry. Heck Social Services are so keen to keep children with their mothers that children like Baby P are failed. YOU are a good mother! Glad you'll be speaking to a solicitor. I'd go to arranging things by e-mail now.

Talk about him messing with your head tonight. You poor thing x

Ah, big fat hairy ones to them all, sov. Let them lick their wounds for a couple of days and then see if they contact SS. I doubt it. Concentrate on what is important: You, You and You. If you're ok then your dc's will be ok. Truly, if women took as much care of themselves as they do of their leeching partners then some of us wouldn't be posting here (holding up the mirror to myself here )

Glad he's ok though. For your sake. x

i'm glad he's ok but i am now emotionally drained, i text him and told him it was the last message he would get from me and that he is to delete my numbers and never contact me again, he's rang a few times then text saying he'll take me to court, s.s whatever it takes, im not even going to respond

i cant take anymore, i wash my hands of it all now, that was the most selfish thing he could ever do and i can never forgive him for it, he wasnt thinking about our DC when he was contemplating doing that i'm finished, i have nothing left to give now

it's my DC's turn to be put first and mine

He needs someone to blame SOV did you ever google the drama triangle ,its about transactional analysis .It opened my eyes ,basically you have three points to the triangle ,victim[ur X] rescuer [you for many years]and perpetrator [you now in his opinion eg the its all your fault stuff]So basically you told his friends the truth about what was going on with ur X and one of the other blokes partners and they have turned their backs on him.
Now the rescuer is the SIL ,he is still the victim.
Only way i deal with this is too jump out of my Xs triangle ,ultimately he will concoct hugely fabricated stories with new GF if i continue contact at all .The are both very full of dysfunction and want to make me into mad psycho bitch.Already X has threatened me with allsorts and although i know it is all bluff and bullshit ,i know that they are both in a very unstable place ATM and i can chose not to become involved in that .Its the only way i remain stable in this situation ,if i had to deal with this dysfunction everyday of my life my head would explode .Just remember he is the one running around threatening himself with a kitchen knife ATM ,not you ,he is the one incapable of caring for the kids, not you,and he is the one taking drugs everyday ,not you.All i know in my own experience was when i was clear of my Xs headfuckery its amazing how i became more balanced in my day to day life ,my kid's teacher said to me today its like a new child since we moved house ,do what you need to ,to create that peaceful enviroment and dont question ur own judgement because of ur X ,you know what is best for ur DCs ,just trust ur instincts and dont listen to their empty threats x

So glad it's ok Sov - he's a selfish bastard and he's punishing you. It's HIS behaviour that has lead to his friends not wanting to know him anymore - they too can identify a selfish loser when they see one. And FWIW my exh has also at some point threatened me with SS and did nothing further. He's on a very short leash temper wise and lashes out when he's cornered. One of my friends' neighbours got SS round once because she went to the shops fir fifteen mins and left her DS (13) to look after her DD (12) - she's a single mum. They came round, took one look at her nad then the house and were straight round to the neighbour's to tell then to leave her alone and that going to the shops for 15 mins was perfectly acceptable. As a teacher, I agree with Tea. It's virtually impossible to have your kids taken from you and you CEERTAINLY aren't going to have them taken away due to exh having a paddy and running off with a knife, OR because you told his mates about OW. I mean, what the heck is SIL going to tell them? They'll laugh at her! She's as bad as him. Nobody has their kids taken from them because their ex is a drug addled twat. I'm virtually slapping him for you now. I also agree that you should go to the sol with the letter and anything else and then he will have to have supervised visits. My sol at the time of my divorce told me that I was well within my rights on the basis of my exh's behaviour to demand this. And all contact from now on should be formal or emailed. Change your phone number etc. You need to look after yourself and DCs - he has put you all through enough and it sounds as if this behaviour is likely to continue. My exh used to be very good at playing to my vulnerability because he knew I was scared of him. Now that I'm not, 3 years down the line, he just sulks instead. And tries to make me feel guilty. And I ignore it. You will reach this point too. Much love you are a lovely and strong woman who is having to put up with way too much.

typos due to anger. sorry!

Brilliant post.

My H never threatened any of that to me, so I am out of my depth but Patience is so right, it all makes sense Sov x

ooo loving Googoo's post too. Ring Womens Aid tomorrow Sov they are used to this and highly knowledgable and will tell what you need to do to protect yourself and DCs and your rights etc.

I know my earlier threats may have sounded flippant SOV but i was so sick of all his cheating lying and fucking off and leaving us i just thought oh grow up you twat when he phoned me last xmas ,it was probably 2 days to go ,i didnt have presents for the kids ,just trying to keep it all together and he throws in a phonecall re suicide threat first thing that came into my head was im too busy to deal with this ,im on the way to a babysitter ,trying to manage shopping in 2hrs flat ,are you coming to ours for xmas or what i need to know what food to buy etc .Only way i can cope is to keep things calm SOV ,however i can END OF ,TOP PRIORITY !!!

GGM loving the shoes btw .
Rom glad u had a laff ,hope you have plateaued on the weight loss or you will flippin' dissapear !
Tea nice one re pampering U2 GGM x

Should have read posts not threads and def not threats SOV oops x

Sov, we've all been low. I'm very low right now. I have thought 'I wish I don't exist' or 'I wish I could disappear' and 'I don't want this life' but I would never use these thoughts to manipulate others. That is the difference. I have told a couple of people about this (and of course now the whole virtual world knows) but I always reassure them by saying 'I will not harm myself, I promise, I couldn't do it, I'm a coward, I'd never leave my dc's, etc etc' and I totally mean it. Your x is trying to manipulate you. Don't let him.

Thank you everybody
I did google the triangle before and recognised some of the traits then and i am definately jumping out of that loop, there is only so much i will take and can forgive and this time he has gone too far, i have lost more friends than i needed to through depression and suicide and also my uncle when i was 7, he knows all this and still he did it, everyone has their breaking point and that was mine

I will contact WA tomorrow and also my health visitor who has been very supportive all this time, i have made sure that she knew everything that was going on so will need her backing if it comes to it
As for XSIL, i have a temper and right now i would love to go and use it on her, how dare she threaten me but i am instead talking to you and drinking a bottle of wine :o

Mobile is now on silent as he keeps ringing and when i call tomorrow to pay the bill i will ask them to change the number, i could block his number but he can then call off another one so it's just easier to change it completely

I dont think he thought about what my reaction to this would be, but then i dont think he thought about anyone but himself so he only has himself to blame now, i refuse to be made a scapegoat for his problems

Hi everyone,
Sov I hope you're ok, I think the advice you're getting is wise but how stressful for you. I hope your kids are picking up again. See a sol, I still need to do that too. Be careful what you say to his family, never trust them too much or tell them too much. There will be a way through this great puddle of shit he's put in your path too and you will find it. Put yourself and the kids first all the way now. My x has said he will need to go to a homeless hostel next week. I doubt it v much. Could you get any time out for you at all?
Goo red shoes sound fab! I'm in all my red sparkly gear from the Christmas party at work today.

Talking of kissing men, I actually thought about what a laugh Christmas used to be with mistletoe at the discos when I was a teenager! In those days I just thought I'd travel the world get married some day and live happily ever after. Never thought it would be this complicated. I hope some of those fairy tales about handsome princes and all that nonsense have been rewritten at least.
I'm noting all the stoners out there that have caused so much pain. Its an eye opener, I wish I'd known years ago. I thought I was the only one or at least the only one that hated having a stoner partner out there. Some of my x's pals were similar and their women turned a blind eye. That meant he could say i was just a control freak and I actually wondered if it was true sometimes. Then again the first time we split I felt so isolated - like I was the only single mother in Glasgow even though I knew I wasn't statistically. Thats why I think forums like this give you so much strength and support.
I read that new thread linked above and its so chillingly similar to my experience and others on here. I hate when the self doubt creeps in and they start telling you that you're paranoid. Its so wrong to mess with someone's head like that. I hope that poster gets some peace - I feel for her big time.

Sometimes I do fancy a really good Christmas snog with a devastatingly handsome man who will pay for all my g&ts and then go away. I'm not ready for anything else yet though.
Take care everyone.
x

pmsl @ I know my earlier threats may have sounded flippant

that actually made me chuckle

LC when i felt that low i didnt tell anyone, the thought of leaving my DC was why i didnt do it

You are all right he used it to manipulate and hurt me, why? why would he want to hurt me like that? i just dont understand any of it anymore and it hurts my head and my heart to try

Tits - just posted this on the other thread not knowing it was full and now feel, frankly
But can I be in your gang? googoomama very kindly pointed me this way when I posted a week ago.
I haven't had time (or energy at mo tbh) to do more than peruse but I will I promise! Don't want to hijack - just want to come and plonk myself in the corner with a large glass of wine if I may?